All About Me In 80 Questions!!!!!!

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All About Me In 80 Questions!!!!!!

Basics

Name. Tanya (after Tania makeup)Mary Johanne (after my maternal grandmothers) Dannielle (confirmation  name) Deegens (maidens name) Kelly (Married name).
Nickname. Ms.T, Yoda Guru
Age. 43
Birthday. September 2nd, 1976
Birthplace. Blacktown Hospital Sydney New South Wales
Current LocationAt Home In Sydney, New South Wales, Australia 
Eye Colour. Hazel 
Hair Colour. Dark Brown 
Piercings. 5 Piercings (2 done by myself)
Tattoos. None. Would love one but worry about getting a bad tattoo artist who will  leave me with a tattoo nightmare.
Boyfriend/Girlfriend. Stephen John Kelly (Been Together Since September  22nd, 1995.
Siblings. Brendon  (November 25th, 1974), Tracy (April 11th, 1978.
Favs.  
Colour. Blue, Medium/Dark Purples,  Olive Green, Silver, Charcoal Grey
Music. Music for me is a life line… my tastes in music rely heavily on the feelings and emotions of my day to day life.  There are way to many to list.
Sport. As a child I play netball (center, goal attack), softball (out fielder), indoor hockey, & volleyball. I like to watch clay shooting, archery, fencing, diving skeet shooting these days.
Holiday. I someday want to travel to greek islands or go on a Mediterranean cruise. Maybe see fiji, hawaiii, cocos islands or an african village. I am not much of a traveller, I like being home where I feel safe.
Food. I like many varieties of food.. Steak (medium to well), spaghetti bolognese, cavity stuffed chicken, pasta dishes (most)…  love bbq food, homemade Chinese 
Number. My Favourite Number Has Always Been #3
Movie. Dead Poets Society – Robin Williams 
Celebrity. Oprah Winfrey… A person who has steered my thoughts about me being myself in the direction of self acceptance.
Place. Yellow Rock & Woolongong Light House Are My Calming Places
Drink. Love Cocktails, Moscato (wine)..Jack Daniels & Great Northern Beer. Enjoy  orange juice, ice water and frozen drinks.
Day Of Week. Friday & Saturdays…. no run days
Month. September because it’s spring – a time for new life to begin… all is new and fresh
City. Sydney… couldn’t imagine being anything other than a Sydney sider.
Animal. Sloth.. cute and sleepy… Meerkatt… cute and sneaky, penguin … awkwardly built and fun to watch
Time Of Day. Morning, The Break Of Dawn… love the early morning quiet time … the waking of the earth and it animal sounds.
Smell. Cup cakes baking & Estee Lauder, Red Door Perfumes & Disinfectant (gives me memories of my grandmother Mary and her always clean floors).
Tv Channel. Foxtel & Music Channels On Foxtel
Song. Cher. You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me
This Or That
Hugs Or Kisses. I like either… but love the comfort of a kiss the build up & longing  of tender touch
Pepsi or Coke. Pepsi… coke is harsh
Burger King or McDonald’s. McDonald’s if I had to make a choice
Vanilla or Chocolate. Chocolate not a van of vanilla unless it creamy and not icy
Lover Or Fighter. I love hard… and am willing to fight if I am provoked or if my morals and personal values are challenged
Friends or Family. My Self Made Family Is My Preference … i love everyone that i hold in my inner circle at equal parts of who I am.
Love or Money. Love, money isn’t as important as being with people I love. Love  keeps me in grips of riches beyond  any value of money.
Listen To Someone Talk or Talking. I love To Listen… but enjoy a deep and meaningful two way conversation
Personality or Looks. Personality… I have known people who are appealing to look at and they are often vein, cold, superficial or just boring. Looks sre nothing… if tour connect with someone the persons being is all that matters
Magazines or Comics. Magazines. Enjoy a good read and catchup on worldy gossip and new trends
Pop Star or Wordup. Word up. As I do Love a mental challenge
Love
Are You In Love. I know my heart was with Steve since I was near the age of 16. My feelings and thoughts of him have never diminished.
Have You Ever Been In Love. Love takes me a long time in finding my security within it… but yes I have been
Do You Believe In Love At First Sight. I Knew That I Loved Steve Before I Truly Knew or Got To Know Him… soo yes indeed I do. I remember telling a friend of our that Steve was going to be the person that I married one day. I made this statement after only meeting Steve on two other occasions.
Longest Relationship. Comming into the 25 year stretch (September 22nd, 1995)
Kiss On The First Date. Depending… but physical connection isn’t the same as the mental and mindfull connection that I seek in others. As a rule usually no.
Ever Cheated On Someone (be honest). Yes… was awakening moment that  took me to discovering & understand ing the values and morals that I hold true and dear. We knew our relationship was over but we stayed anyway.
Random
Do You Do Drugs. Nope & Never Have
Do You Drink. Yes I Do .. I like a social drink or two
Do You Have Any Regrets. Yes… Not Becoming The Teacher That I Always Wanted To Be As A Young Child.
Ever Want To Get Married. Wish That Steve & I  Did Get Married In 1996. We did marry in October 2000.
Want Kids. Always Wanted 3 & Had 3
– Sean John Les Kelly – August 30th, 1997
– Nichaalus Adam Kelly – April 12th, 2001
– Katijana Mary Margaret Kelly – May 14th, 2006
– Lucas Jack Russell Russell Kelly – February 28th, 2017.
Do You Believe In Yourself. Yes I do… I work hard at learning all about me and the life that I have lived and want to live… I see the value in all that I do for others.
Last Movie You Saw At The Movies. Venom. Was It Good. I didn’t expect to like the movie venom because i am not a Batman or spiderman fan… but I enjoyed venom and it comical story line.
Can You Handle The Truth. I prefer truth and honesty over a made story or answer.. truth hurts at times but real and lasting relationships are made up every little struggle we go through.
Biggest Fear. Dying Alone
Most Missed Memory. Childhood events that I chose to forget to save me from heartache 
First Thought Waking Up… arrg what time of day do tou call this? Most days up at 4am
How Do You Want To Die. Holding the hand of Steve… one breath at a time speak nothing but my love for him
Do You Get Along With Your Parents. Yes when our attitudes and differences are aligned 
Do You Swear. Yep at times like a sailoYep a puppy. Lucas Jack Russell Kelly (February 28th, 2017) got him at 5 weeks old
Have You Ever Passed Out. Yeah .. once drank a whole ready to drink pack with a friend and slep out my backyard for a few hours. Crashed car back in 1997 and passed out… been sick a many a times and passed out also.
Do You PartyDo when I do.. but  not often
Did You Get Good Grades. Yes except for my  10th year when I deliberately set out to fail. Have always been and keen to learn student.
Do You Believe In
God. I believe that there is higher than ourselves.
Religion. We all believe in something… religion may not be the title of our belief…but yes in some ways I do.
Aliens. We cant be the only living things in this entire world and universe… yes I believe there is something out there.
Ghosts. Yes I certainly believe that we when we dye never completely passover for one reason or another.
Afterlife. I at time believe that we live in a world between hell and earth… that we when we passover go to earth or hell.
Myself. Like I said up above…  I work hard at learning all about me and the life that I have lived and want to live… I see the value in all that I do for others.
Karma. Yep I believe that there is most definitely an equal, opposite and reactive power to everything that we say, do and am.
Magic. I believe that we all have the ability to be shown differences in the reality of what we are actually supposed to be seeing.
In A Boy
Eye Colour. Any
Hair Colour. Dark
Short Or Long Hair. Either but well taken care of is a preference.
Height. At least- 5 foot 6 and above
l Either way as long as they have meaning and are well represented.
Just Cute Or Sexy. Looks are nothing… personality and honourable behaviour all the way.
Hobbies. I like a man who has interests that he loves, enjoys and wants to share what his experiences are or have been.
One Girl Man. I am not a person who can share.

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There We Go…. some short Q&A’s about me…. I Challenge you to look the above Q&A’s and answer them with yourself in mind… & if you are wanting to know anything else about me… please drop me a line.

Signed

Tanya

http://365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Writing Exercise Given To Me By My Online Writing Friend.

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Last Monday (August 19th, 2019), I waa given a writing task by my online writing friend Maggie McLeod.

Maggie & my other online writing friend Lauren Swanberg feel that when I write something in any my daily writings that I write in a long winded manner snd have little to no self restraint in keep to a word or time limit… well I am not ashamed to admit that they are right in calling me out on my inability to just cut to the chase of my daily writings… & yep if I don’t have to keep to a time limit or word count then things seem to appear on my page or computer screen in a long winded verbal stout that happens between my mind that is always full of thought and my pen & paper that seems to dribble snd scribble out all that I hold within.

So the exercise instructions were this… write 1 page daily writing (no more, no finishing a sentence or thought on the next page… write 1 page and stop, even if I an to stop mid thoughts… oh geeeze 1 page…I never write just 1page)… when done send it to our online, anytime chat yo be reviewed on

Monday August 26th, 2019… well my dearest friendly writing accountability writers… I told you that I can write in short and that I don’t always need to write in a long winded manner…

So I took on my writing accountability friends and their daily writ& proposed that she send me a topic or subject line every day through this weeks writing task, I asked that she sent her daily topic or subject daily so that i would be held accountable for each day’s writing in each days here and no without being able to see the following days writings… I asked this of a Maggie because I know me…. I knew oh to well that if I was to be given the weeks topic or writing subject that I would just sit down and get the rask at hand done… I wanted to experience each days writing topic/subject as it came; 1 day at a time.

Challenge Excepted (please don’t tell Maggie that I Love Love Love challenges and love even more the concept of someone else asking me questions that they would like to have me answer… or have me look at topics that they think up.

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Day # 1 –

“ Who would you choose to play you in the move of your life & why? ”

In my weekly catch up meeting with my two American friends, I was given a 7 day writing task that would have me answer 1 question daily for 7 days.

Question 1. Who would you choose to play you in the move of your life & why? The answer to this question would be a toss up between Mary.J Blige &

Christina Aguilera, both these women have fought hard to pull themselves out of the betrayals of their youth, sexual abuse and the very deeply felt feelings of shame and uninpowerment.

Believing that we were not only powerless but also the very reason they were violated and devistatingly hurt beyond all trust. They have both become powerful delivers of messages of self worth through their voice their musical words & lyrics.

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Day # 2 –

“ Do you think that we die with the same soul that we are born with?”

I personally don’t feel that anything ever stays the same. How could it?… we are always learning and changing aspects of who we are in order to keep in touch with life’s changing ways.

I do however believe that our soul no matter what we experience in life is ever completely written over, there for sure would be part of our yesterdays soul, this part of yesterday’s soul I feel would find it’s way home in the morals, ethics and values that we build for ourselves and our lives that we build for ourselves.

Our souls are the purifiers of all that passes through our mind, bodies & heart. The bearer of all that we are.

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Day # 3 –

“ What does being spiritual means to you? ”

It is worth me noting that there was a time that religion had a place in my heart, what I am saying here is this; I am not not religious it is just that religion has left me with

Far more questions than the answers that I seek.

For some people religion and spiritual connections go hand in hand, but in my life I feel that religion and spirituality live in worlds that are far apart from each others realistic vision, earthy vibes & of course what they mean to the people believing in the practices of both.

Spiritual means what it is that I feel inside, the power that gives my body the fuel and the inner moral standing to stand tall in the face of everything that wants to hold me down.

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Day # 4 –

“ What is the value of laughter in your life? ”

The value of laughter in my own selves day holds an important imprint in my life. I feel that laughter is the souls life line, the medicine that gives us the opportunity to connect with others in a moment of light heartedness, no real emphasis on a behaviour, but instead laughter is a mood & a well being lifting experience that allows the mind and body to have a good giggle and jiggle.

For me, a life without laughter would be like living a life in mono-tone, I would never be able to read the non verbal cues of a person who displays no external expression.

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Day # 5 –

“ What do you most love about yourself? ”

What I love about myself is the recipe of of me that keeps me on track to becoming the best me that I can be.

I love how i am always there for people, even when I know that my friendship and giving bus has has long since sailed.

I love hard and forgive far beyond my own hearts explanation, I hold people within my inner circle closer than I do anything else in my life.

Secondly I have a few moral and value traits that I follow & abide by in my day to day life. I believe in these values and morals and stand firm footed in the belief of them, unmovable & unapologetically stuck in the core morals and values of me.

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Day # 6 –

“ If money was no object how would it change your life? ”

I have been asked this question many a times and my answer is this… of money was no object I would have to become a far greater humanitarian to others than I already sm. My best and worst parts of who I sm is the giving side that I freely begift to others. I have been told that I would rather give than receive, really a more cut my nose off to spite my face kind of a person…. I have a giving nature, so what can I say?

Money may make the world and its habits go round, we would all like a money pile, but I am a person who has all the wealth I need in the people that I have & hold dear to my heart. Money would have me sharing with those in need.

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There it is my week long writing task given to by my online writing friend Maggie, spurred on by other online writing friend Lauren…. thank you guys for giving me a time and page limit writing challenge that was a challenge to do in terms of actually writing daily… but it was in the keeping of the 1 page limit – stopping

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Signed

Tanya Kelly

http://365daysomethings.wordpress.con

”Breaking My Pride – Evelyn Fonsec

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Breaking My Pride – July Faith Journal Prompts
Reference – https://www.thescribesportion.com/july-journal-prompts-pride/

I came across the referenced link titled ”Breaking My Pride – Authored By Evelyn Fonsec when I was doing some research for my daily blogging writes. From time to time I seek a written prompts that have been written by a fellow author.

I have for the last few weeks been feeling a little off in my daily writings… so from time to time, I call upon a save Pinterest posts that see me through the days when my writing energy’s and or thoughts are just not wanting to be called on or written about.

I often look for Pinterest posts that offer up a varying degree of questions… I like that the prompts or thoughts that I choose to write about give me a deeper look into my self & the inner parts of my inner thoughts…

As for Evelyn’s pinterest prompts I like the no outs of her questions and how she evokes a deeply personal thought in my response to her questions rather than having me sit wondering what I was going to write about in a daily write.


So here is a prompt authored by Evelyn Fonsec’s from her Pinterest Post ”Breaking My Pride” of which I offer up my answer to.

  • How Much Do I Struggle With Pride?

    Well in a self-critical moment I have put myself on the spot and delve into my insecurities… So here am I asking the question ”How Much Do I Struggle With Pride?”  Well, I am very much a self-driven person and hold a great deal of inner self-pride within and for myself… I have always been a person who has gone through things alone rather than taking up offers of help or companionship… I have on and off throughout the years tried to offer myself to people in my own self’s right-minded kind of way… I have never been one to trust easy and my pride is my reason as well as it is my self shelter… There is much time when I have chosen to remain self-contained and closely guarded and for that matter, I have also chosen when I allow myself to feel encircled by others 7 this is one thing I am not all to proud to admit to… but there are many little quirks about me that may not at all be endearing to others for these reasons and or quirks I feel that there are times when people have and do put me into the too hard basket… These reasons also seem to make me look as though I am to outwardly proud to have others bestow things, time or moments of compliments upon me. 

    Below are just a few of my inner pride tendency’s… 

    • I find it hard and almost embarrassing for someone give me gifts that mean a lot to me
    • I am always grateful for the offerings that other people offer up to me, but I find that saying thank you make me feel very open and vulnerable.
    • I try very hard not to put myself into the position where I have to say thank you to some for doing admirable things for me… I always find myself questioning then persons motives and reasons for doing things that they may do honour for me.
    • Sorry is a hard word for me to say… However when and if I find that the word sorry has to be said I am at all times honourable and meaning in my deliverance. I admit that I rarely put myself in the position of finding my self in the position to say sorry.. this may sound self conceited but sorry isn’t a word that I like to use because I at all times strive to be the most honest person that I can be.
    • more than anything else I absolutely hate being raw and vulnerable to people… Especially to those who I feel have a very deep place in my heart.. I am so very very scared of being hurt by the actions of others using what is me and my true self against me.
    • I feel so very strongly about the relationships and friendships that I hold for those who I chose to be around that I spend a great deal of time in getting to know them and their ins and outs before I actually can openly admit that I truly trust them.
    • I am always honest with people and am very much aware of how intimidating my honesty and truth riddled ways can and does at times makes others feel uncomfortable or that I myself make myself hard to get know.
    • I have many levels of friendships and it is true that I allow very few into my inner circle… I also admit that some of longest known friends are still in be known to them are still very much exist in my utter circle due to lack of trust, or even some of them rarely show their degree of loyalty to me… This could be over something as simple as watching me from the outside when they could very much be helping and standing by me in my troubled times.
    • I may act as though I am tough and hard to like, to get to know, or even in getting to love but the truth is that this is one of my self preservation modes… I rather be hard on the outta exterior of myself and allow room for others to climb over my tightly enclosed walls.
    • I’m a giver and give way to much… I love to share with others the things that I love.
    • I take forever to learn to love and for that matter to like others… But when I do love and like some one love and love hard with all that I am… Love of a mate or a friendship is a forever thing for me. 

I may never break the ”Breaking Me Pride” that makes up me… I am not ashamed to admit that the above things that I have shared, they are just a few of ingredients that have helped in making me into the person that I am.

I have always been told that I am and act way to proud; that I hold myself way to tight and way to within my outer bounds… I have over the last year worked very hard on not listening or taking into myself the word’s and thoughts of others… But there is indeed a major part of me that does indeed listen to others…why do I listen…? Because I pride myself on listening to the people that I am in communication with… And for those people who I see as part if my tomorrow’s future, I offer them my personal respect in hearing them both verbally and none verbally… But. Am aware that I do have at time a lack of filter when it come to the parts of a conversation that is used in a detrimental way to about or against me…

Another of my fault lines is that I need to learn to put time into hearing about  me and my own life’s endeavours within my own hearts words and not in and around the words of others. What “Breaking My Pride” means to me is, me stopping the internalisation of things that people say to or about me… Learning to filter the negative aspects of what keeps me sitting down at a table with people who offer me little layer acceptance to whom it is that I am… My pride is indeed the mechanical part of me that keeps me locked into the cycle of not allowing my pride to say ”this isn’t respectful to me and or to the way that I feel; that I have the right to be treated as I would like to be treated”… My pride keeps me from truly being the very person that I am…I hide myself deep within myself… Far deeper than many are willing to delve into… And then pride part of me is ok with the level of sacrifice and international behaviours that others have to and for me.

I will now say this.. My pride is the very thing that keeps me upright.. Balanced… Self assured and feeling safe in my own convictions… Stubbornly this is the part of me that I won’t ever change or renege on… Remaining who I am is very important to me… The above is part of my integral makeup as well as these ingredients are the mechanical mechanisms that drive me and my inner self-pride parts of me to be the person that I am in my today ’s here and now… these “Breaking My Pride” convictions will  drive me to remain the very person that I am in my todays and the very person that I will become in my many tomorrows.


Breaking My Pride… I will never be completely comfortable in learning to break my pride…  I like my level of “pride” it is who I am after all.


Daily Quote
Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the highroad to pride, self-esteem, and personal satisfaction.

Author. Margaret Thatcher


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Finding ḾⒺ

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Here is a shortened reason for my distance from many that know and want to be around imagesL8Y8BD26.jpg
me as well I offer up an explanation not an excuse for my lack of writing at my blog as of late.

Courage, fire & energy wraps around me tightly… encircling me, empowering me to take each stride in my path one step at a time… I have grown more comfortable.. and I am continuing the practice of listening to my inner self more and that inner critic less… I am learning to like myself and the person that I am… and I am learning to let down the personal security guards that I employed to guard my mind and its thoughts as well as my hardened heart and fire sale of a soul… they did the job that they were asked to do… but maybe to well… they eventually worked at keeping me from  the many events and social circles that were once very rich in my life.

Listing to that inner voice that we all have living  within us is a practice that we all strive to harness…. but what I have found in the  years of me learning to actually sit and listen to that inner voice, is that I had without noticing it, put way to much reliability on my inner self and as for my inner critic & my self’s security team, I most definitely allowed them to take up way to much ownership of who I am… I became way too comfortable in not being truly present and liked not living the truest e that I could.

I know now that listening to that inner me, that very inner me that for so long had me wrapped me up so tight that I became an out of control tornado when I let the spring out of my wrapped arms that held me in their grip in the last few weeks… I had to take a moment to breathe and set the new me on my life’s wanted path…. all along my security team and inner critic had me self sabotaging all the good that I was doing.imagesw24t1s4d.jpg

I have come out of the eye of the storming tornado… and plucked my ass off the ground… I am back on track and the new me is in the process of moving in…

I know that I have relied to heavy on the inner security and at times I have allowed myself to be hidden in the shadows of their protection… what it is that I am doing now and in this my now life, my now new normal is I am learning to live life in a world where my self-protection is assured but that I need not have all the emergency systems going at all times…

A far harder lesson to learn is learning to be less headstrong and more open-minded to see the life that I want to have… that life that I want where I could find myself not needing to be in control of every aspect of my life’s days… living in the here and now and without a head full of stress and a closet full of yesterdays scars is where I want to be found… I am here to say that I am no longer go to live as a resident of my own heart and soul’s darkness and the world that I have been hiding from.

I know & have known for the longest time that I needed to draw a new normal and let go of all the parts of me that hold me back from the life that I want to be living… I had to give room to the new me and my new energy and give flight to all that has been holding me back.

In my high-stress moments all that lives within me (all but my vital organs that is) shuts down and I simply go into silent mode… ( I call this time “my filling cabinet time” – the time where I put everything into my inner self and throw out all that isn’t serving me & throw imagesRXAXR83Cit away for good. I have experienced this level of inner shut down before and know that my daily writing’s always take a hit… I choose to not write about my daily thoughts in times like this because all that comes out of me is the negative energy that keeps swallowed up and buried deep within my darkened soul. But what happened to me in the last few weeks is that I took the time I needed.. and I am back here as the new me… ready to put the work in that the new me needs to see.

We all need time to rebuild the us that we are inside, there is in all of us a place and time that lingers within us that holds us together at our fracturing point… stress & strains gets to us all from time to time & for some of us, we need to see our selves to a place where the waters of our lives are less turbulent and far more replenishing than we are used to… “A Stop Revive Survive Moment For Us & All That We Hold Inside.”


Today’s Daily Quote

“The guarantee of safety in a battering relationship can never be based upon a promise from the perpetrator, no matter how heartfelt. Rather, it must be based upon the self-protective capability of the victim. Until the victim has developed a detailed and realistic contingency plan and has demonstrated her ability to carry it out, she remains in danger of repeated abuse.” ― Judith Lewis Herman


I wake up and look in the mirror,
and I’m really not sure who’s looking back at me.
My heart is filled with pain,
but I still have a smile on my face.
Im living so many lives,
that I dont even know who I am.

So Im on a mission to find myself.
To seek for the person that’s waiting to be found.
I dont want to find the person that people want me to be.
I just want to find me.

I will search in my heart,
and I will search in my soul,
but once Ive found this person,
I will never let go.

Once I have found the person I am looking for,
I will bring her back to me,
to have her be the one looking back at me
when I wake in the morning.
She can show me the way,
so I can be myself day after day.

Im on a mission of finding myself, ,
To find who I want to be,
And Im not scared of who I’ll find,
Cause I’ll have to find me.


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

“ I’m Still Whispering To Myself ”

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Today’s daily writing is brought to the forefront by the below meme Written By – Rachel – Bruised But Not Broken –

Reference – https://www.facebook.com/bruisedbutnotbrokensoulwork/

I’m still whispering to myself, Talking my way through the horror. “You’re not a little girl anymore you can do this.” And as I do, I question how many other little girls Are still clawing their way back up From the battlefield within And I make the conscious decision to raise my voice “You’re Not A Little Girl Anymore, You Can Do This.”


By now and through the reading of my daily writings you can see that not only save/collect but also use meme’s or quoted poems, sayings or blog phrases that other authors have written.

Why do I use the writings of others in my daily writings you ask? The answer is quite simple… I use the writings of others to convey in a shortened pose the meaning/message of my daily writings… sometimes the memes that come across my computers screen say the very thing that I want to say or am feeling at any given moment in a meaningful and condensed way… you see my writings are often long-winded and full of explanation… explanations that are not giving my readers or myself a long-winded blah blah blah conversation that leads them into a long-winded reason for my writings, my thoughts, my deepest minded feelings… the long-windedness of my writings is for my benefit… I like to write in length for I feel that someday when I find myself back at my writing on a page that I will be able to see a visual of myself through the words that have been given a descriptive voice on the days when my writings were written… I have indeed tried to write in short… but I find that I am not as in touch with the daily accounts and feelings that I was feeling on the actual day of my dated writings.

My daily writings are for me a written chronicle of my life and its many stories… the chronicled stories of my yesterday’s past my today’s accounts and my tomorrow’s dreams… my writings are for my future’s years… the days that I will look back on the journey that has mouldered me into the me I am…


What I want to see in my future self are the tears that I will cry when I re-read the journey that has given me the life that I have lived… I can’t wait to relive the moments and the memories that may or may not have escaped the vault of my mind… but more than than anything I cannot wait to see the growth of that little 8-year-old inner child “who I have named Karen” looking back at me through the open doors that my chronicled story es have open and given her life from… I want that little girl to remember how far we have come through the hurting and the pain that we once endured only you become the survivors of the hand that we have been delt…

I cant wait to see her growth that very growth that will never see her grow older than the 8 years that she is today… and I can’t wait for her to tell me that no matter how old I get and how aged my outta appearance gets that she too see’s me as that 8-year-old holding onto her as the years passed us by.

What was once our line of worded survival “You’re not a little girl anymore you can do this” will someday be the memorial to that little girl that once was us; that same little girl who clawed her way back up from the battlefield that loomed in us for those many many years in our earliest of yrars, that same battlefield that gave us the winning front line that saw us become victorious to our demons and the darkness of our inner introverted self that we preferred to live within, but what I want more than anything in days when I re-read this chronicle of daily writings is pride and gall that I had for that very day when my voice roared into a powerful allie and gave me the gift and conscience decision to say that my life was worthy of finding a greater existence both in snd outside of the walls that I built for myself thise many years ago in and around my 8th year of life… that very day when I raised my voice and screamed “You’re Not A Little Girl Anymore, You Can Do This.” What I was saying way than was… I could tell my story and empower myself with the power of no! and self-survival… no to inner hurt that I felt so deep, no to the pain that engulfed me and my mind & no to staying stuck in a world that had me being my only real friend, my own self’s one and only understanding of the true me that was hidden deep within …

Someday I will remember that little girl that will always be yesterday’s part of me… I will not have to say anything for all that had to of been said would have been chronicled in my daily journey and daily writings and on this day I will reword & chant the following…

You’re so hard on yourself. Take a moment. Sit back. Marvel at your life at the grief that softened you, at the heartache that wisened you, at the softening that strengthened you. Despite everything, you still grow. Be proud of this.

Original Wording Reference – https://pin.it/ehcvajrill4sml Author. Zandra Brown

Reworded this written verse will say…

We have always been hard on yourself… All us… me, you, I and our inner critic Hard for sure, but not that hard that your heart was made of stone. You grew a voice and became our backbone & through it all, you never wished away Any part of your yesterday’s shadows Instead with nurturing arms Your took us all into your heart… You reinvented yourself And became who it is that lives and breathes Our endless words and endless dreams. Here we are in sitting in reflection; Marvelling at the life that is all of us in one, Looking fondly at the grief that softened you, at the heartache that wisened you, at the softening that strengthened you. But more importantly, we are looking fondly at The hell of a journey That delivered us much inner love and peace. Despite everything; the all that we have been through… We have grown into proving That inner strength lives in all of us. Yes, we grew And we made our path flourish… A journey of inner growth, perseverance And shear courage that kept us fired up But unscathed by the burn of our life’s paths building.

Written By Tanya Kelly July 7th, 2019


In conclusion of today’s daily writings, I will be sharing the following meme or written verse titled “The Ocean You By Author. Nikita Gill”

The Ocean You

Every time you think you are broken, Know this; you are never really breaking. No one can break an ocean, Darling, all that you are doing, Is breaking the glass that is holding you back, Diving deeper into your own depths, Discovering yourself in pockets Of the most somber waves, Rebuilding your heart with coral, With seaweed, with moon coloured sand dust. Do stop trying to hold yourself back inside that glass, It was never meant to hold you. Instead, break it, shatter it into a thousand pieces… And become who you were always meant to be, An ocean, proud and whole.

Through the words of Nikita Gill I have had an ahh ha… yes yes that exactly what I am saying about me, we and us in the journey of our life…

My thousands of pieces kept me held back from the inner growth that was life’s blueprint… the journey that should never have been changed or altered by another… but sadly it was… instead of being the ocean that grew in it tides and became sombered waves in my personal growth I was the very glass that held myself back from the world that was beckoning me to live within its atmosphere and natured roads… the glass couldn’t hold me when I became hurt and lost… and strangely enough I know that if it wasn’t for my heartache my protective glass would have broken anyway… I became my own self’s warrior and built up the survivor within me to not only stand up with my own backbone intact… but also as the nurturing arms for others being melted down… those who are lost and screaming out for a hand to hold.

The concreted heart became delicate coral and a nurturing home, full of strength and proof that inner forgiveness builds growth and strength. Seaweed and moon coloured sand dust not only became the footings to my new proud and whole me… they have also grown in their qualities and empowerment’s and lent a hand to many.

The glass of me that once was me shattered into a thousand pieces is today that shattered glass choosing to be that thousand pieces… yesterday reflecting tears and heartache… today a kaleidoscope of all the pieces of my past that today tell the stories of how I became me.

Written By Tanya Kelly July 7th, 2019


And finally another written meme/verse by Nikita Gill that will help to end today’s daily writings.

Reinvent yourself. Over and over again. Plant new wildflowers into your spirit. Set a wildfire inside yourself and then regrow. Take the wildest thing about you and nurture it till it blossoms. Tend to the sea that resides inside your heart and listen to its storms, washes you anew. How else will you let go of everything that causes you such terrible harm if you are still living inside the old you, the person who was so damaged by it all?

https://www.facebook.com/bruisedbutnotbrokensoulwork/

I’m still whispering to myself, Talking my way through the horror. “You’re not a little girl anymore you can do this.” And as I do, I question how many other little girls Are still clawing their way back up From the battlefield within And I make the conscious decision To raise my voice “You’re Not A Little Girl Anymore, You Can Do This.”


By now amd through the reading of my daily writings you can see that not only save/collect but also use meme’s or quoted poems, sayings or blog phrases that other authors have written.

Why do I use the writings of others in my daily writings you ask? The answer is quite simple… I buse the writings of others to convey in a shortened pose the meaning/message of my daily writings… sometime the memes that come across my computers screen say the very thong that I want to say or am feeming at any given moment in a meaningful and condensed way… you see my writings are often long winded and full of explanation… explanations that are not giving my readers or myself a long winded blah blah blah conversation that leads them into a long winded reason for my writings, my thoughts, my deepest minded feelings… the long windedness of my writings is for my benefit… I like to write inength for I feel that someday when I find myself bavk at my writing on a page that I will be able to see a visual of myself through the words that have been give a descriptive voice on the days when my writings were actually written… I have in deed tried to write in short… but I find that I am not as in touch with the daily accounts and feelings that I was feeling on the actual day of my dated writings.

My daily writings are for me a written chronicle of my life and its many stories… the chronicled stories of my yesterday’s past my today’s accounts and my tomorrow’s dreams… my writings are for my future’s years… the days that I will look back on the journey that has mouldered me into the me I am…


What I want to see in my future self is the tears that I will cry when I re-read the journey that has given me life that I have lived… I can’t wait to relive the moments and the memories that may or may not have escaped my minds vault… but more than than anything I cannot wait to see the growth of that little 8 year old inner child “who I have named Karen” looking back at me through the open doors that my chronicled story es have open and given her life from… I want that little girl to remember how far we have come through the hurting and the pain thst we once endured only yo become the survivors of the hand that we we were delt…

I cant wait to see her growth, that very growth that will never see her grow older than the 8 years that she is today… and I cant wait for her to tell me that no matter how old I get and how aged my outta appearance gets that she too see’s me as that 8 year old holding onto her as the years passed us by.

What was once our line of worded survival “You’re not a little girl anymore you can do this” will someday be the memorial to that little girl that once was us; that same little girl who clawed her way back up from the battlefield that loomed in us for those many many years in our earliest of yrars, that same battlefield that gave us the winning front line that saw us become victorious to our demons and the darkness of our inner introverted self that we preferred to live within, but what I want more than anything in days when I re-read this chronicle of daily writings is pride and gall that I had for that very day when my voice roared into a powerful allie and gave me the gift and conscience decision to say that my life was worthy of finding a greater existence both in snd outside of the walls that I built for myself thise many years ago in and around my 8th year of life… that very day when I raised my voice and screamed “You’re Not A Little Girl Anymore, You Can Do This.” What I was saying way then was… I could tell my story and empower myself with the power of no! and self survival… no to inner hurt that I felt so deep, no to the pain that engulfed me and my mind & no to staying stuck in a world that had me being my only real friend, my own self’s one and only understanding of the true me that was hidden deep within …

Someday I will remember that little girl that will always be yesterday’s part of me… I will not have to say anything for all that had to of been said would have been chronicled in my daily journey and daily writings and on this day I will reword & chant the following…

You’re so hardd on yourself. Take a moment. Sit back. Marvel at your life at the grief that softened you, at the heartache that wisened you, at the softening that strengthened you. Despite everything You still grow. Be proud of this.

Original Wording Reference – https://pin.it/ehcvajrill4sml Author. Zandra Brown

Reworded this written verse will say…

We have always been hard on yourself… All us.. me, you, I and our inner critic Hard for sure, But not that hard that your heart was made of stone. You grew a voice and became our backbone & through it all you never wished away Any part part of your yesterday’s shadows Instead with nurturing arms Your took us all into your heart… You reinvented yourself And became who it is that lives and breathes Our endless words and endless dreams. Here we are in sitting in reflection; Marvelling at the life that is all of us in one, Looking fondly at the grief that softened you, and at the heartache that made you wise beyond your years, at the softening that strengthened you. But more importantly weare looking fondly at The hell of a journey That delivered us much inner love and peace. Despite everything; the all that we have been through… We have grown into proving That inner strength lives in a of us. Yes we grew And we made our path flourish.. A journey of inner growth, perseverance And shear courage that kept us fired up But unscathed by the burn of our life’s paths building.

Written By Tanya Kelly July 7th, 2019


In conclusion of today’s daily writings, I will be sharing the following meme or written verse titled “The Ocean You By Author. Nikita Gill”

The Ocean You

Every time you think you are broken, Know this; you are never really breaking. No one can break an ocean, Darling, all that you are doing, Is breaking the glass that is holding you back, Diving deeper into your own depths, Discovering yourself in pockets of the most sombre waves, Rebuilding your heart with coral, With seaweed, with moon coloured sand dust. Do stop trying to hold yourself back inside that glass, It was never meant to hold you. Instead, break it, Shatter it into a thousand pieces… And become who you were always meant to be, An ocean, proud and whole.


Through the words of Nikita Gill I have had an ahh ha… yes yes that exactly what I am saying about me, we and us in the journey of our life…

My thousands of pieces kept me held back from the inner growth that was life’s blueprint… the journey that should never have been changed or altered by another… but sadly it was… instead of being the ocean that grew in it tides and became sombre waves in my personal growth I was the very glass that held myself back from the world that was beckoning me to live within its atmosphere and natured roads… the glass couldn’t hold me when I became hurt and lost… and strangely enough I know that if it wasn’t for my heartache my protective glass would have broken anyway… I became my own warrior and built up the survivor within me to not only stand up with my own backbone intact… but also as the nurturing arms for others being melted down… those who are lost and screaming out for a hand to hold.

The concreted heart became delicate coral and a nurturing home, full of strength and proof that inner forgiveness builds growth and strength. Seaweed and moon coloured sand dust not only became the footings to my new proud and whole me… they have also grown in their qualities and empowerment’s and lent a hand to many.

The glass of me that once was me shattered into a thousand pieces is today that shattered glass chooing to be that thousand pieces… yesterday reflecting tears and heartache… today a kaleidoscope of all the pieces of my past that today tell the stories of how I became me.

Written By Tanya Kelly July 7th, 2019


And finally another written meme / verse by Nikita Gill that will help to end today’s daily writings.

Reinvent yourself. Over and over again. Plant new wildflowers into your spirit. Set a wildfire inside yourself and then regrow. Take the wildest thing about you and nurture it till it blossoms. Tend to the sea that resides inside your heart and listen to its storms, wash you anew. How else will you let go of everything that causes you such terrible harm if you are still living inside the old you, the person who was so damaged by it all?


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

“ Kintsugi & Mushin – Broken & Repaired Japanese Pottery ”

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“We are all broken, that’s how the light gets in…”

Call me strange but I quite like the broken pieces of me that helped in moulding me the very person that I am… the struggles that I have endured in the years of my life haven’t kintsugi-statueA funny and slightly rude saying has been playing over and over in my head for the past few days “ I Am Completely Fucking Broken Inside ”

(I know  you hate the word broken Ms. Maggie… But being broken has taught me many things and those things have given the person that I am in my here and now a many gifts).

What a funny little saying it is if you don’t mind me saying… I bet that you have heard the famous quote thought up and written down by Ernest Hemingway about broken people and or about the broken parts that make broken people them….!! always been a walk in the park & they most certainly haven’t been days, months & years that haven’t brought on moments of questioning, double takes and tearing moments of fear… but what my broken pieces have given me is a strength unmeasurable by any measurement known to man… the very fact that I am here writing down my many chronicled stories of my life this far gives me and my many thousands of pieces a place to call home.

I have never felt the burden of the imperfections of my broken self… I love that life hasn’t had me living in a bubble protected from the reality of the real world…

I see my self as a nurturer of the many parts of me that are quite capable functioning just as well as a normal person does and would. What the hell is normal besides the setting on the dryer? There is no such thing as normal… not one living and breathing person is extinguished from feeling the wrath of life and its many hiccups and speed humps that we come across in our day to day lives.

I like to tell people that my broken pieces resonate well with the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery; an art called Kintsugi 金継ぎ – meaning golden repair… Kintsugi is where broken pottery is repaired by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum, a method similar to the make-e technique. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise. So I see myself at a piece of art with a titled name of Kintsugi 金継ぎ…. the genuine, tender and morally driven parts of my heart, mind and soul are the golden lacquered joinery’s that are very much a part of my life’s history.. the historic parts of me that hold me in an upright stance; taking life head-on without flinching or diversion. I am through the many lessons that life has thrown at me become a broken piece of pottery named Kintsugi 金継ぎ who embraces all her broken pieces and belies that my broken pieces make my heart, mind, soul and the vessel (my body) a person that has far more beautiful qualities within the aura of my broken pieces.

I see myself as a whole and a working wonder of much good that I do to and for others in my life… I love my life and all that I stand for; happily, I stand firm in my well-built footings, standing strong in the winds of life that swirl in and out of my life… I am living my life embracing all parts of me… broken, flawed, imperfect or otherwise.

In some roundabout kind of way, I am working toward living my life in a some sort of mixed matched Japanese Philosophy called “Mushin.”

When I say that I want to live my life eventually in some sort of mixed matched version of a person who wants to encompass a certain lifestyle of the Japanese philosophy of Mushin in her life I mean that I want to build a personal aura of which I am built on having a free mind … one free from thoughts of anger, fear, or ego during combat or everyday life. There is an absence of discursive thought and judgment, so the person is totally free to act and react towards an opponent without hesitation and without disturbance from such thoughts. At this point, a person relies not on what they think should be the next move, but what is their trained natural reaction (or instinct) or what is felt intuitively.(Discursive – a life that is built on and includes lots of facts or opinions that are not necessarily relevant to the life that I am wanting to live… not forgetting them as being part of my past, but not allowing them to rule my future self or my future life’s journey).

As much as I love the definition and meanings and symbolism of both Kintsugi and Mushin I don’t want to become of a version of myself that has “no mind” and I certainly do not wish to wish to live my life where I no longer consider myself as a “fighter”… I’m happy to adopt the part of the Japanese philosophy where I see myself as living being that is living and brokenmeisokbreathing as well as moving through space…. & I also have no interest in living a life with no attachment…this is what I mean by a mixed matched version of a person living her life in line with the Japanese philosophy of Mushin…. for me it is very important that at all time not only remain true to myself but that I must also remain morally in touch with who it is that I am… I didn’t work to be who it is that I have become just to throw it to the winds of a Japanese philosophy that I only partially embrace my heart and arms around… I am for self-acceptance of change… I won’t embrace my new lease on life… I want to embrace the new beginnings of new and reinvented self… living my life where I am not afraid to show the roads of my life that have given me my scars… I don’t want to disguise the history of my yesterday’s… I want to embrace them and build my life around the branches that they have been grafted to.


I found a beautiful essay that went on to say though it’s message of the Japanese art of repairing a piece of pottery the following:-

instead of the break “…diminishing [the bowl’s] appeal, a new sense of its vitality and resilience raised appreciation to even greater heights.” The bowl has become more beautiful for having been broken. The true life of the bowl “…began the moment it was dropped…”

“So it is not simply any mended object that increases in its appreciation but…the gap between the vanity of pristine appearance and the fractured manifestation of mortal fate which deepens its appeal.”

Reference – http://www.camiimac.com/good-juju-today-blog/kintsukuroi-more-beautiful-for-having-been-broken

How beautiful is the written line The bowl has become more beautiful for having been broken. The true life of the bowl “…began the moment it was dropped…” this line of writing depicts me in my story of self-awareness, self-growth and the inner reinvention if the mooded me growing into the me that I was truly intended to be… with my scars uncovered & my journey’s off-road path well marked throughout the stories of my written words.


A Poem Comparing A Bowl With Repairs & A Life That Has Some Cracks & Scars

By Author. Peter Mayer

I’m like one of those Japanese bowls That were made long ago I have some cracks in me They have been filled with gold
That’s what they used back then When they had a bowl to mend It did not hide the cracks It made them shine instead
So now every old scar shows from every time I broke And anyone’s eyes can see I’m not what I used to be
But in a collector’s mind All of these jagged lines Make me more beautiful And worth a higher price
I’m like one of those Japanese bowls I was made long ago I have some cracks you can see See how they shine of gold.


In closing of today’s daily writing titled “ Kintsugi & Mushin – Broken & Repaired Japanese Pottery ” I share a poem written by a favourite author of mine –
Nikita Gill titled “ Kintsugi ”

Kintsugi

On the days when you feel ashamed of your scars, Your mind only registering how ugly they are Rather than beauty, they prove that you have survived, Remember that there is an entire art form dedicated to filling the cracks of broken things with lacquered gold.

An entire art from the proves that Even the broken and damaged history of an object Is beautiful and should be treasured.

Remember how much more you are Then an object. Remember your survival, your journey, Your scars deserve to be treasured to.


shinesthrough
There it is… my daily writing that offers up how I relate myself to a piece of broken & repaired piece of Japanese pottery and how “ I Am Completely Fucking Broken Inside ” and embracing my life for all it’s faults, fractures & broken pieces.

So Mr Hemingway a dedication to you… Your written quote goes like this – “ We are all broken, that’s how the light gets in…” I embrace my broken pieces and I am most certainly absorbing line light that is helping me to grow into the person that my life has me wanting to be… My broken surely is shedding its light on me… And I am embracing it… repairing me but keeping perfectly fixed with flaws and all the work to shine the light on me from the outside in.


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Strength In Friends

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wordsnhugs.jpg

In a passing conversation  that I have had with two others not only today but also with the past few weeks I have been asked to surface and show that I am ok…. they know that I am not completely without connection or words of ok…. but they also know that something within my few answered words just isn’t right.

What can I say?… I say nothing … I have no words to say; I do not speak a word in reply I bow my head and sigh… they know that daily writing are the very things that get e through my days… but it has a very long few weeks where no words have been written, no words have been shared… and even fewer conversations that normal are had…. they tell me with one caring strong arm to take all the time that I need; my some time for rest and time to rebuild one’s self… but all that I can hear in a far off distance is them screaming my name…
my silence isn’t golden to their caring hearts… I miss them with all that I am  and have burning inside…. but how can I re-join them and the life outside my own bubble when all that I feel is being gestured is a hand that once lent a hand? I want to tell them that I need to back… I want to tell them that I can see how far I have wondered and fallen away… but more than anything I want them to hear the message that I do not verbally speak but instead speak with my eyes…. that I am trapped in a darkness that shares a light when it wants to… a room with no floor, no walls and no celling… I am in outer space with no tethered line… and uncertainty of where my feet need to find the ground that re-earths me.

If  I could convey one message to them right now it would be that “I know that I am brave enough to find the courage to find me in disconnection that I feel… I want them to know envelopehearts
that the burden of a spine that has been built on strength can only withstand so much when the wolf is continuously at its core but more importantly I want them to know that there is a reason for why some people are given a place at the table of another’s life… and the reason for why they are here they will find in the mirrors that shine their reflection… they are the sincerity and the honesty that my heart loves to hear and they are the strength that has become the very thing that we all rely on.

Dearest friends; if only I could float to you my noted page… upon its inked and worded page you will both find a worded song that sings worded verse they convey gratitude and thanks… you both know that there are no words that need to be said but I hope that you can both see and understand that there has been no one real reason for why I have stepped away… I just needed to “I hope that you understand.” I had to give myself the permission to take a few weeks of leave… I have been strong for so long… I know this you do see… but I had to give myself the permission that I have been needing to sit still in my silence.

You both asked me for a few words… short and sweet… and I gift you with the heartfelt words of thanks for the unsaid words that whisper to me that you both care… I don’t question this for I know that your words are true… I won’t stay away for much longer… I am the rebuilding me one day at a time… this rejuvenation time of one’s self is almost complete I will be signing name again shortly… reinvented, rejuvenated and soring to my heights in the me that I am becoming…”Prevalere Phenix” – the journey of me finding I in a world where I am known as I…. where stories of overcoming  life’s struggles and hurdles will unveil a survivor who has been built up by all that she has been through.”

I thank you both from the bottom of my heart for being the gift that you have been… delivered over ocean, through nodes and connections of time… knowing that you are both their struggling, growing and enjoying the journey of your own days is all the encouragement that I need to bring me back to the space that we all find much comfort in the silence of our unspoken words.

I hear you and I have never not done so… understand that I needed this time to give me strength and permission to give myself a place at my own table.
___________________________________
In part todays writing is a letter to my online friends… the people that have become the strength that we all take turns in leaning on…I have been gone and disconnected for some time now… I know that I must return to where my mind and writing heart are happiest. Beside them and with… giving them the very time that I have ask for in letting to sit still in silence.
___________________________________
This note is love towards your understand and comforting words of we miss we… You both know who you are.

Signed
The M.I.A 3rd Side Of The Triangle

I’m Learning To Know Myself – Day# 4

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—>> Continuing On With – “Plan B’ing My Life” <<–

This week it was proposed to me that I enter a call to myself mission and put a few of my loose ends into the spotlight and find a workable model that will serve to enhance me and my life’s journey.

My Journey in this my life thus far has been one of much learning. I have been a pharmacy assistant, a child care worker, a secretary, a computer/web technician, a web designer & a counsellor… amongst my little skill sets that I have shared with others.

I have taken the plunge and started the movement in footsteps towards my new journey…. I am interested in setting my goals and dreams… yesterday I was ready to take my first steps… and today I am committed !idea_plan_action.jpg

I spent my day doing what I promised myself that I would I took my diary’s today’s “to-do entry” & started making tangible progress to follow through with my “call to me mission.”

I Today have the F.A.B Model running along side me in my day to day life’s journey.
(What does F.A.B stand for ? F.A.B = Focus -> Attitude -> Belief – turning my can’ts into I Can, I Will Do & I have Done So…

Till Tomorrow’s Daily Write.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

I’m Learning To Know Myself – Day #3

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“Plan B’ing My Life”

This week it was proposed to me that I enter a call to myself mission and put a few of my loose ends into the spotlight and find a workable model that will serve to enhance me and my life’s journey.

“T.I.L.Y.B” an acronym given to me by my fellow ‘sista scripta’s’ an acronym that I will reveal its meaning and the outcome of its 7 days of learned experiences to in a weeks time.

My ‘sista scripta’s’ have become my unofficial accountability partners… they call me on my bullshit, they call me out on my days of lack of self acceptance… all with love, care and genuine concern to give.

To my Sista Scripta’s…

Let the journey to accountability, self discovery and self acceptance begin.

Today I awoke with a spring in my stumble filled walk… & after some reordering of my minds thoughts this week … I have been putting some of my life’s plan A movements into the background so that I can spend sometime in “reskilling in my plan B.”

Sorry to be vague right now… but still getting my ass off the fence where it has been busy collecting splinters – “Sharon Pearson.”

Sharon Pearson writes “change the objection into the objective”… so that is exactly what I am doing… I was just this week called into “A Call To Me Mission ” by my fellow Sista Scripta’s… so here is my day #3 call to me… the do something for me… stop procrastinating and meandering around things – stop going around things the long way let the winding path that I have been living find a more directional path… it’s time to end the circuitous path in this my journey through life.

Curious about what I am rambling on about? You will have to stay tuned…

I was asked one question this week and it was… “In a years time where do I want to be”… now that I know my direction “I Am Off … Treading Footsteps Plotting My Plan B Path”…

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

I Am Learning To Know Myself – Day#2

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Today it was proposed to me that I enter a call to myself mission and put a few of my loose ends into the spotlight and find a workable model that will serve to enhance me and my life’s journey.

“T.I.L.Y.B” an acronym given to me by my fellow ‘sista scripta’s’ an acronym that I will reveal its meaning and the outcome of its 7 days of learned experiences to in a weeks time.

My ‘sista scripta’s’ have become my unofficial accountability partners… they call me on my bullshit, they call me out on my days of lack of self acceptance… all with love, care and genuine concern to give.

To my Sista Scripta’s…

Let the journey to accountability, self discovery and self acceptance begin.

Day #2

In celebration of my “T.I.L.Y.B” call to self mission a searched for a writing that had me defined in a well written verse.

I wrote for hours today; written verses about myself… describing me and standing to the world but nothing I wrote seemed to say all there was to say… so I searched my saved memes… words written by other authors – written memes and verses a plenty and many seemed to have me in the winds of their words when describing me and my ways to a tea.

I chose a writing by author Jennifer Sebits – An Author who writes for
“The Minds Journal”… this is her worded meme that has become a daily verbal moment that I celebrate secretly with in my mind.

Here I am… standing my ground
Not running away. Not making excuses.
Not giving up on hope or faith.
Not forcing anything.
I’m waiting patiently to see
How it’s all going to play out
When push does finally come to shove.
Waiting to see who’s meant to be
And who’s not.


Not to be out done by the spoken words of another writer soulful words I share with you a little something that I wrote sometime ago that I think sums up me…

I once was a person
who stood tall in the face of an argument.
I would stand on that very ground
That offered me nothing more
Than the even ground I stood on.
& either stand my ground
Till the cows come home; or till the other party walked away.
I would stand my ground; loud and proud
Mouthy, raw & full of my own conviction
But to I refuse to stand on that same ground
& defend myself in either in my now life or my past
I stand in silent defiance to arguments built on ignorance & contradictions to spoken lies & untold truths.

Written By Tanya Kelly. 2017

tanyakelly2017


Through this personal journey of writing about me & about how as a person I have healed myself and continue to heal myself so that I could make room in my world, in my heart, in my mind and most importantly within myself to bring about the changes that will work with me in order to bring myself into my happier self.

I will not go as far as allowing myself to blame others for the rough spots that have plagued my life, I own my share in my unhappiness & am more than ready to continue rebuilding myself into the person that I know exists in me.

I have known hardship. I have lost myself. But here I stand, still moving forward, growing stronger each day. I will never forget the harsh lessons in my life. They made me stronger.

I know now that I am ready for me to love me… farewell to the days that I have said tomorrow is another day… I am so ready for that someday of building and wanting the changes in my day to be today.

In a quote written by

Heidi Delliare – LoveWideOpen.com

I sit in agreement with her pictured quote that goes like this: –

You have to heal
Your own heart
And then
The right
things will come
Into your life.
What this pictured quote says to me is this: –
in order for my heart
To enter its amended state
I must at first
Own my wows
My heart aches
And uncloak my inner struggles
And let them finally be seen
Own them
And be allowing of me so proud of their journey
Bringing me forth to the me
That is free of the struggles that weigh
Ever so heavily upon me.
Freeing me from my hearts hurt
Delivering me to the changes in my life
That Will shortly after follow.


I know that in the past few weeks that I have been writing a fair bit about me, my inner child, my inner hurts, my inner pains, my memories, my life events, the people that surround me…

Before I started writing full time again back in January I was already aware of the benefits of writing things down. I knew that by writing letters and owning my thoughts that I would be free of my burdens someday.

I knew that the letters and the thoughts that flowed through me; were the very Barriers that held me back. I knew that I was becoming isolated within and by myself and I knew that if something didn’t change and soon that I would become a made-up version of myself.

I was very much in the know that I had become closed off and in need of something or something’s to change.

Things were piling up in my mind & the stress was starting to show… so I thought hell why not go back to the one thing I knew that I could do (write) and mix it with my counselling skills and practices… I sat to begin my writing therapy and have learned that my inner demons were demanding an identity and their story was yelling to be told.

I am not saying that I have pulled out of my writing therapy without opening wounds that I wasn’t in the know of their existence … I knew that I would at some point feel flat and exhausted by the experience but I knew oh too well that my road wasn’t going to be an easy one and I knew that the very part of me that I thought I had forever hidden and forever vanished to be ignored would eventually surface.

In process of the issues in me surfacing I knew that I would face my darkness the barriers buried deep within me that would someday help me to heal my heart.

I am living and breathing and I am by no means free of my demons; but I am free of the hurting heartache that prevents me from being me.

I am not cured but I am finally free to be me and as open as I can be.


There is a song that sums up my journey of me becoming me… the happier me… the guarded me who knows that I was ready to fight for me and the very ideals that work to make me strong, healing me from my inside out.

This song’s title is the (“Fight Song – By Rachel Platten)

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
Losing friends and I’m chasing sleep
Everybody’s worried about me
In too deep
Say I’m in too deep (in too deep)
And it’s been two years I miss my home
But there’s a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe
And all
And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong (I’ll be strong)
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
Know I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

This song reminds me of my strength and metamorphosis into the person that I am intended to be. Flaws and All


There it is day #2 of my “T.I.L.Y.B – I Am Learning To Know Myself – “Call To Myself Mission”

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

I Am Learning This Week To Know Myself

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Today it was proposed to me that I enter a call to myself mission and put a few of my loose ends into the spotlight and find a workable model that will serve to enhance me and my life’s journey.

“T.I.L.Y.B” an acronym given to me by my fellow ‘sista scripta’s’ an acronym that I will reveal its meaning and the outcome of its 7 days of learned experiences to in a weeks time.

My ‘sista scripta’s’ have become my unofficial accountability partners… they call me on my bullshit, they call me out on my days of lack of self acceptance… all with love, care and genuine concern to give.

To my Sista Scripta’s…

Let the journey to accountability, self discovery and self acceptance begin.

Day #1

T.I.L.Y.B… this week you have vowed that recruit yourself into the movement of finding your life of 10’s… a movement of getting to know oneself on a deeper level.

I am no stranger to the stories that make up my life… but I have come to recognise that I hide behind the persona of the person that I have put a happy & smiling face to whilst hiding the true self that lives in me from my own reflection in life’s mirror.

Part of this weeks task put forward by my sista scripta’s in to look for and identify my own life and where I see I am on a scale of 1-10… a task that will enable me to see my life & its levels for what it truly is… no bullshit and no sugar coating… just a scaled rawness of me and my life of 10’s.

So here I am on day 1 of a 7 day journey where I will find myself & where I am in my life’s journey through a series of self discovering activities.

(Level 10 life is a thought process, a way of life, and a journey to becoming a better person through personal development, receiving and providing mentoring, self-help, and changing behaviors, attitudes, beliefs and cognitions.)

Tomorrow’s activity will be based on the wheel of life assessment tool… by the end of day 7 I will have a clearer picture of who I what my level of satisfaction is in 10 areas of my life… a self discovery tool that will put me on the path to levelling up who I am in my own life.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly

365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Education Rollercoaster – Dyslexia & Dyspraxia

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I am sitting here tonight alone in my own company and alone in my own thoughts… I am a little mentally exhausted but feel a little calmness in what I see as a safety net that gives me a little teary moment that has me feeling somewhere in between the feelings of being hopeful, grateful and a little unsteady within myself.

Today I had a meeting for one of my children who have now adult age has taught me that being a mother doesn’t end when a child comes of age.

Yesterday I was on the border of losing my composure when I thought about the meeting that I had to attend today.

Firstly what was the meeting for?

The meeting was about my son’s course curriculum and the struggles that are starting to show within his course work.

Years ago when I not only found out that son would spend his years struggling with his education but I found it hard to hear him say that he felt that he was starting to see that he was a waste of time for those trying to educate or teach him… I saw the years of his struggles go on and on… and the more that I encouraged him to keep his head working the grindstone the more I saw him become more and more discouraged by the shortfalls that he was making… I found it harder still to watch that he was working hard to find his passion with his learning abilities and scope of what he wanted to learn… but no matter how many accomplishments he made and no matter how man ahhh haaa moments he had… that invisible line that always seemed to have a new learning curve level always seemed to be on the move and that line always seemed to be out of his reach.

There are so many “I’s” in my sons story… hour after hour I worked with him on assignments… hours after hour I sat with him whilst he spoke about himself in such hardened words… and many more hours after he crumbled under the weight of his small accomplishments and his “word on hard.. not quite there moments “ I sat in my own silence wondering why it is that one person would have to be seeing himself as not being that kid who didn’t quite get it…

I sat and told him so many times for so many hours and told him that learning wasn’t all about textbooks and endless pages of note-taking… the skill sets that he possessed in his own self were of physical accomplishments… but those accomplishments we were told were not measuring on his academic register.

As he has hrown he has proven to be strong willed and strong witted… he gas climbed heights and grown a great deal of determination to prove his academic and critical defeatests that he could accomplish great things… he knew that the school environment was not ever going to be the place that he flourished in …. but each and every day he showed up anyway and chose to be a participant in his learning rather being the codependent defeated person that would have given into that daily grindstone and the negative energy that circled his learning abilities.

He was always going to be that tough kid who learned things not so easily… and maybe a little too far in the hard way direction… being born six weeks premature and being told told that he may not live long enough to take his first breath was the day that I as his mother knew that he wasn’t going to walk a path of golden cobblestones… but there he was… so very underweight and he had beat the odds and was breathing on his own… he began to feed and began to put on weight… but from the get-go it was a struggle to get him to gain the weight that took him off that “underweight label”..

So here we are many years past the years of his underweight label and we are now headlong into the label of “learning will always have its setbacks…

Back in February in 2019, I allowed his high school years to come to an end… I asked him some years ago to push through all those closed doors and put his best foot forward (change your schedule into the subjects of interest, forget about the academics levels and do the subjects that were of interest… ignore the grades both

good and bad and just finished year 10).

Year 10 started and finished and I was surprised when he told me that he was going back to start year 11… I was surprised because school was like gaol and he wanted to bust out… standing around in classrooms where he knew that he was always going to sitting at the bottom of his years had for many years been weighing him down… so his decision to start year 11 had me going hmm … he wanted to commit himself to finish his hands on subjects of construction and woodwork and he seemed to find a sense of himself in the completed projects that he had put all his efforts into… instead of taking the easier road of quitting school he not only started his 11th year at school… he pushed through sucking up his grades and his small but yet self-powered accomplishments and he finished his year 11 studies… and not at the bottom of the class…. I told him that his progress wasn’t in the grades that he had worked hard to change but they were in the comments and compliments that I read in his reports and the many meetings that we had with his teachers and school.

He started back at school for his year 12 studies… he gave me the completion of his year 10 studies that I had asked for… he pushed ahead and pushed himself to start and finish his 11th year… but I knew that he was out to prove himself to a world that had him written off in his academic achievements… so when I saw his life passion flash up on my screen I knew that school was going to end for him without him ending it himself… further education but in a facility that was built on the foundations of wanting to learn a skill set of choice and wanting following a passion over the academic grades that fitted you into scaled levels against his peers.

So when I received a call earlier this week from one of his teachers that had concerns that he was not going to pass with a competent level… I was oh dear god here we go again… in my mind, I was scared again for the defeat that I had seen for those many years in his high school years very much an everyday look on his face.

He and could talk about how he was struggling but in the same sentence he gently asked am I out of the course that I want to do? So I asked his teacher the question that he wanted to answer to … & with a gentle no of course not from his teacher… with an agreement for a meeting and some extra learning support from he and his other teachers if he has the push to head first back into the grindstone… choices, changes and accomplishments could be made.

My son is why does he need me his mom yo attend this appointment that was put into simple terms… If He wants to be here .. we as a teaching network are here to support his wants… cone to the meeting, meet with me and a few of his others teachers and let’s make a plan…

I rolled my wheelchair into today’s meeting feeling somewhat sad but for the first time, I wasn’t heavy in my heart… I wasn’t heavy because his calling teacher gold me snippets of his own learning story… he told me that he too has what my son has… dyslexia (in short dyslexia is:- is a learning disorder characterized by difficulty reading due to problems identifying speech sounds and learning how they relate to letters and words. Also called specific reading disability, dyslexia is a common learning disability in children)… I have heard this many times over the years that we have watched the struggles of my sons learning… tests with the words inconclusive is the words that crossed the table many times.

As a parent I personally have given many hours to the struggles of the homework table, I am no stranger to the anguish that has tantrums across its wooden surface. I thought (probably selfishly on my part) that my daily being there and my many hours of pushing and putting things into small workable parts would soon enough and with hard work in toe would eventually have him clicking into the oh I got it now line… but I can’t help but see my part and my faults in his education… I am not sitting here pushing myself to the point of blame, but I can see that my pushing him to try at the very least… to hand in something, to try harder to understand was just the compounding bricks that pushed my son to see his unworthy failures…

So I attended today’s appointment with my son hearing that he is quiet and reserved… the opposite to the young man that I know… then it clicked in me “quiet and reserved means struggling… it means I turn up and I try to do what is asked of me … but silently I am struggling”… not so silently I said to him… I know you and now its time to let us all know myself, himself, his dad and 3 of his supporting teachers what it is that he wants from his chosen career and course.

I remember asking did they feel that my son should end his course because he was in the midst of struggling yet again with his workload… I fought the tears so hard had they gave said anything other than what does he think … does he want to stay, go or work hard with a support group with extra time and guidance beside him I think the tears would have fallen…

One of his teachers began to tell us that he too has dyslexia (this he had already told me some weeks ago).. but he told me that his spelling was atrocious and that he rarely wrote on the board for his reasons, that he preferred powerpoint presentations and others means of teaching over the endless notes being delivered on the whiteboard at the front of the class… he went on to tell us that he struggled hard also in verballing the things that he had to remember… and he told us that despite his struggles that he to has had to find ways to cope, that he has had to find other ways to learn and that despite his road and story being similar to my sons that he today has many completed levels of academics… then he has had to work hard to be all the “hats” that his education has afforded him & that he never thought that he would be the struggling student now in the teaching role.

I could write many more thoughts about this teacher… I could write about how I sat staring at him and was waiting for a negative word that discredited every beautiful word that he spoke… I waited and waited but he did so much to comfort the scared parent that saw nothing but a struggle of a young man trying hard to do his very best… that struggle that comes with no guarantees and no end date.

I could and tell of how bad I wanted him to tell me the opposite of what he had told me… but he comforted one (and I hope all of us in that room) with his words “if you want this you will have to put in double maybe tripled the hours of other students that the hours will be long but the accomplishment and completion of his chosen wants were not out of his reach.

I was taken further into my admiration when another of his supportive teachers told us her story that I call segmented attention… she told us of how she has an audio issue that has her also struggling to maintain her own self’s attention span in her own learning abilities.

There she was a well dressed and well presented beautiful looking woman comes across as a well spoken and a diversified and educated woman with many accomplishments under her belt… & of course she is… but she presented herself in a manner that had me seeing her as an educated women without a struggle in her learning experiences… you know what they say about judging on first appearances… shame on me from failing to head the words that I often speak “judging a book by its cover makes you look stupid when actually look, read and finish reading the many unturned pages… “

Then there is teacher number 3 who was running against her own busy teaching schedule to attend today’s meeting… talking about how she would work with my son against his own learning tide… to work with him to give him more tuition hours (all teachers have given this verbal agreement & dedication to today’s meeting )…. but teacher 3 emailed her promised emails of assistance and extra teaching/learning materials and has offered to assist in setting up this if there was a need… she went on to set my tears flowing with a message of support to the mom that was sobbing in her own mirrored reflection…

I knew before her message came through of the dedication and time that I have for my son that he has become who he is out of hard work and determination on both my part and his… I was not crying or silently sobbing because I felt I had failed my son (as it has been expressed to me many tomes over the tears)… I was crying or silently sobbing because of the fact that my son had found his niche, his want for his life and that he was finally free of an education that wasn’t working for him and his needs… & there it was his struggles laid back on the table for all to see…

What teacher 3 said was this…

“Anytime you are concerned or need to ask anything, please just give me call”

“I know he can achieve this, a little extra work and extra support will definitely help.

You are doing a great job with Nichaalus.

One thing I know about student’s with learning disabilities, once they put their mind to something, they will achieve the goal they have set for themselves. I see that in your son”

My son hates meetings and has always seen them as a negative vortex… struggles in education and learning never really come with positive thoughts and or self-driven aspirations waiting in the waiting room of a kick-ass meetings… I knew he was not liking bits and pieces of what was being said… but what I hope for is that he could see that all the different parts of his needs and barriers needed to laid out on the the table so that the picture could be redrawn and given a new story and outlook.

My only negative thing yhst came from today is that I so wanted to be in background of my sons wants for learning… for some reason i figured (stupidly) that allowing him to go to Tafe to follow his want for a career when take the struggles that his education has always given him and suddenly allow him to have his ahhh oh I get it time and moment.

He is 18, no longer a child and I am still being called in for meetings… which may I add teacher number explained thst he knows that my son is 18 and I could say no and that my son could refuse me access and or attendance to the meeting but he with nothing but a want to support my son asked for me to come in and help him , to help the other teachers, to help my son plan an assault course on and for his learning abilities.

I know that Tafe is a different environment and I honestly could see the support and the drive that all 3 teachers had for my son and the support that he is going to need… being offered an extra 2 hours of tution and support of teacher 2 just blew my mind… 1 hr was her usual scheduled time… again I could have cried… help with assessments and extra understanding tutoring time from teacher 1 was heart warming and is full of my heart’s gratitude. Teacher 3 was the wrapper upper of the mood when she told me that he was great with his computer knowledge and that my son wasn’t struggling as much in her class as he was with teacher number 1… after throwing around thoughts… the conclusion was technology assisted learning… use what you have to your advantage was the message.

What was a hard morning was indeed a sweeter pill to swollow …. what could gave been a derailment of my sons wants for a career was a building exercise of the people that are his education community…

Maybe just maybe his dislexia & dyspraxia

may now find their place and get its official diagnosis…

_______________________

What’s the difference between dyslexia and dyspraxia?

Both dyslexia and dyspraxia are learning difficulties that can cause children and adults to struggle at school—so what’s the difference between them? In general, a key indicator of dyslexia is to do with literacy skills such as reading, writing and spelling. On the other hand, dyspraxia veers more toward movement and planning difficulties.


What is dyspraxia?

The Dyspraxia Foundation defines dyspraxia as ‘ a form of developmental coordination disorder (DCD).’

Older readers may recognise the unfashionable term “clumsy child syndrome”.

Now it’s more appropriate to call it either Developmental Co-ordination Disorder or Dyspraxia. Dyspraxia impacts on motor coordination skills and can cause children and adults to perform movements poorly and out of order.

It is neurological and affects everything from preparing to organising and performing movements, sometimes extending into speech and memory ability. Dyspraxia can upset articulation of spoken language as well as thought process and perception.

Symptoms in young children may present as developmental delays, feeding and sleeping difficulties, high sensitivity to noise and a lack of interest in construction toys, including building blocks and Legos. Adults can lack hand-eye coordination, have poor balance and struggle to grasp small objects or perform daily grooming routines.

Compromised coordination greatly affects everyday activities for individuals with dyspraxia, causing difficulties in school activities like reading and writing, as well as recreational activities like riding a bike and driving a car.


What is dyslexia?

There is some controversy about a definition of dyslexia, but in 2007 The British Dyslexia Association Management Board accepted the following: “a specific learning difficulty that mainly affects the development of literacy and language related skills.

It is likely to be present at birth and to be life-long in its effects. … It tends to be resistant to conventional teaching methods, but its effect can be mitigated by appropriately specific intervention, including the application of information technology and supportive counselling.” (BDA Management Board, 2007)”

Individuals with dyslexia struggle to process phonemes or sounds and can sometimes take longer to perform routine language tasks such as decoding in reading and spelling in writing. It can also impact on working memory.


What do dyslexia and dyspraxia have in common?

Dyslexic and dyspraxic children and adults tend to be holistic problem solvers and intuitive, creative thinkers.

People who are dyslexic and dyspraxic thus find that learning often takes longer and is more tiring than for others without Specific Learning Difficulties.

Individual learners will benefit greatly from identifying their own relevant learning strategies. A unique learning style means that they may struggle to learn by traditional methods. This has resulted in some teaching practices and materials now being helpfully labelled “dyslexia friendly”.

A “dyslexia friendly” approach includes multi-sensory learning delivered in small incremental steps, at the learner’s own pace and with lots of opportunity to repeat and to receive positive reinforcement. Everyone can learn from an approach that is “dyslexia friendly,” including children and adults with dyspraxia.

Individuals with dyslexia and dyspraxia can have good days and bad days and both children and adults often show a discrepancy between their oral ability and their written work. This can lead to them being unfairly labelled as not trying or lazy or unco-operative where a specific learning difficulty has not been recognised.

Written work may also be poorly presented. They may have difficulty copying from the board. Students who struggle to write things down may always struggle with writing.

Learning to touch-type so that writing becomes automatic, and applying this skill to note taking and preparing assignments by computer, can be extremely helpful. Did you know that high school students with specific learning difficulties who can type faster than they write may be permitted to use laptops in exams?

Reference – https://www.readandspell.com/us/difference-between-dyslexia-and-dyspraxia


So with all that said… there is concern and a lot of work ahead for my son… ut what I walk away with is a great deal of admiration and respect for the meeting that has my circling in my own thoughts… none of what I heard or was told today was new information… but it was a whole new experience brought on with interventions, strategy and committed help in its wake.

I am emotionally tired and so exhausted by the struggles that one person must go through.. but I will sleep better knowing that I don’t feel alone in the struggle of helping my son see the light at the end of a very long 18 years in the making tunnel.

I am a very grateful Mom tonight … Teachers 1,2 & 3 have my respect, admiration and my hand on heart thanks.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

” Me… I’m The Empty Cup “

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It seems that I am learning the hard way about how much of myself I not only extended to others but also how much of myself I actually poor out & into my hands, the volumes of me that I feel that I have plenty to give.

img_4252.jpgI wonder have I crossed the line my inner tummy grumbles yell at me and are always  reminding me to listen to that I am at the drought filled stages of all that do for others….? will I learn my lesson before I feel the full force of having emptied myself to far…?
The answers to both these questions are …. (no surprise) … most probably not.

But I am aware that I am feeling a little empty and a hell of a lot tired… awareness is half the battle won… the other half of that battle comes from falling back & giving time to regroup…

I have been working on a lot of self-care writings in my journal and have taken up meditation (only getting in a few moments through out the day at this point) but I am reconfiguring my weekend schedule so that I can give me the time that I need to replenish my low level half filled cup.

“When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”

I have had to learn the hard way that I am the vessel and that I am carry the weighted needs and wants of many in my already low levelled cup… & that if I want to continue to be the everything that I am to and for the people I serve, that I must be the spring in my own brook… it’s time to stop & revive so that I can survive the self built hurricane in my life.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly

365daysomethings.wordpress.com

“…Stop Long Enough”

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I was commended today for the courage and strength & support for others that I process but rarely claim ownership of… I was told to stop being so hard on myself, give myself a break and for once stop long enough in my controlling of things and give myself the chance to see the strength in those that I give my love, heart, trust, loyalty & protection to.

Before I had a chance to open my mouth and put my opinion across to what was brutal honesty being spoken to me out of love and concern… I heard the words “now don’t get your back up… I only said what I said because I give a damn… & once when I needed this pep talk not only did you deliver it to me… but you were a hell of a lot more direct and you didn’t even apologise !!”

I smiled like I have never smiled before… because I knew that the person who was grinning like a cheshire cat … laughing because they finally got a spoonful of my own medicine into the deliverance of a sentence… was right !!

I laughed and said wipe that smirk off your face… “this roll reversal will not last forever.”

It seems that the universe is delivering me messages bothe verbal and symbolic that are telling me to stop and be present in my here & now.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

“So Many Lessons” – March 12th Journal Entry

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Here is a write up that I wrote in my personal journal dated March 12th, 2019 – Titled “So Many Lessons” I thought that I would share it as it can help you, my readers, to understand why it is that I had to take a few days off from my writing and spend those days in self-care mode…. some of my thinkings are full of honesty.. some play around with mixed messages and meanings & then there is the diary entry that flows onto my March 12th journal page the truthfulness that I harbour deep within me… but truthfulness that is rarely show.

It is only early March of 2019 & yet I feel that there has already been an influx of ahhh haaa moments being thrown and thrust into my life, my world and the environment that I am treading water in.

There was an occasion this past month when a written pictured quote found its way to my desk and writing mind… there have been a few of these moments actually that have occurred throughout not only in this past month but also over the past few months…

Maybe the universe is trying to get my attention, maybe there is a lesson in the writings that find me and my thoughts on a day to day basis.

I write today about the following symbolic worded verse:- “The hardest pill I had to swallow this year is learning how to pick myself back up and cope without the people who I thought would be in my life for a long time. I had to realise that you have to do shit for yourself because the only person that will put you back on your two feet is you.”

Hmm for me the I was initially scared and afraid of what my future without my thought to have… supporting and loving support system was a path and a future that I ignored and refused to see.

The very thought of going through life and the varying degrees of my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis ailments and inabilities scared the absolute bejesus out of me… I was so scared and I cried a great deal; not to or with others but so very heavily when I found myself in my alone time…

The more I cried the harder my understanding of what was happening to me and I began to wonder where I sat on the care factor meter of those around me… I initially struggled so hard and the more I struggled the more I looked for the arms of comfort of those around me… I can’t sit and put an understanding of why I feel that others seemed as though they were distant and or distancing themselves from me… but there is my speculation of why this was happening even if it was and still is in my mind… whatever their reasons I do strongly believe it has a lot to do with medical diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis… secondly I feel that the people around me are struggling to see their lives without me… or at the very least… they have not come to terms with what is going on and are preferring to live in their not informed and educated bubble.

I often get told how strong people think that I am… often I am asked why I feel that I have to be who it is that I am… when asked what is meant by this question I get told “why do you have to be so strong? Why do you have to live as though there is no one other than myself in my world? Why can’t and won’t I let people into the ins and out of what I am going through? Well, I have asked myself these same questions…

I for so long have hated on myself for so long and I have begged myself to find an answer or 3, to build a resolution for what I in my mind find that I am struggling with… but there was a point in my life when I gathered my thoughts and the thoughts of the many voices around me and simply threw them off the tactical side of my life’s sparring mat and said to myself out loud in a voice that was full of moments of self actualisation and self realisation that “I have to be my own worlds inhabitant.. the person that I could not only rely on but would guarantee that I would be present in my own life’s here and now… standing open hearted, open minded to an unknown reality that was with the utmost certainty starting to engulf my life as I knew and am now knowing living today.

I knew in these moments and in the days to follow that I had realised that I was the only person that I could fully rely on… so many people have told me over the 5 years since my “actual date of my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis “ that my stubbornness & my struggles and well defined inner strengths are going to be the weakness that see’s me and my heavy load crumbled to the ground….

There is a big part of me that knows that these voices are speaking the truth… I know oh to well of the existence of the walls that I have built up around me… These walls I myself know are built out of sheer determination to ignore the ignorance’s and uneducated thoughts of those around me… the cement that holds my walled in structure together is a mix of the many years of seeing the true intentions of others in the accountable moments that they chose to ignore… maybe ignore is the wrong world… but I did get tired of watching and hearing the distance and disassociation of those around me… I learned the hard way to see that the only hand that was going to raise me the grips of my Multiple Sclerosis mooed diagnosis was me…

What I wanted and what I have always wanted from those around me was and still is the guarantee of the fight to keep me healthy wouldn’t be my life’s walk .. alone and left wondering where my life would be taking me.

I gathered information and tried with all my might to help educate not only those around me… but I too wanted to read all that I could to educate myself… I needed to know what plan my body was signing itself up for.

I tried and I tried and I tried to give myself the community of support that I knew I would eventually need… I wanted to scream and I wanted to yell… and I tried with all that was in me to open the floodgates to my vulnerability’s… there I was in the early days of my diagnosis alone in a room full of people… not even my tears would give me the right to have a moment.

“If a single person is surrounded by other people, especially in a social situation such as a party, you can realize that you don’t have a real connection with any of these people. When you are alone, you are not confronted with the superficiality of your relationships. But when you are in a room full of your friends, you can suddenly realize, “I don’t actually like these people. I have nothing in common with them. They don’t really KNOW me, who I am. Why do they seem happy while I’m miserable?” You can discover, unhappily, that you’ve outgrown your social circle which can make you feel isolated and disconnected.”

I didn’t just say that I dislike my community or the people around me… what I did say is that I dislike seeing the connection that I have with, and for them.

“I think it’s better to feel content alone… If you’re content, you are closer to happiness than feeling alone in a crowd. Being alone and empowered is far better than being in a crowd and feeling lonely and sad…

I am most definitely not sad lost or depressed… the very descriptive words that I have heard since my ppms diagnosis… over and over again. I have just learned other ways to cope and other ways to fulfil my day daily journey and the daily symptoms that plague my walk and direction.

“I often find myself alone in a room… alone with myself, my computer and my thoughts. My mind is always bustling with thoughts, possibilities, questions and curiosity whether or not I’m with people. I always wonder what other people think or like other people’s perspective on things; I think it’s awesome to get a glimpse into someone’s mind and see alternate points of view. Many of these moments there are actually living and breathing people in this same room… why do I then see myself as being alone??? Well, when I look up I see nothing other than their eyes in my diagnosis; them taking on a role within my existence where they spend their moments wishing that it wasn’t my life’s reality to have my body living with “My Story” at the helm.

I give a lot of credit to those around me for the thoughts and disbelief of my life now being in the hands of my ppms diagnosis but I want more than anything for them to see me minus the world that they font truly see or know.

Imagine sitting in a crowded lunchroom by yourself. Hundreds of conversations are taking place, yet not a single one included you… I know that my community members are concerned and scared for what my tomorrow’s will actually bring to my now wavering but still strong well-footed foundations… but I long for them to see me.. just me… nothing and no diagnosis that describes my life’s here and now.

The deafening silence can bring a person on the brink of insanity. I spend hours hoping that I won’t have to endure this anymore, or even for much longer but a part of me knows that’s this deafening silence can be cruel, and being different in the eyes of others can be a death sentence when those very people sometimes unknowingly fail to see me for who I am, the me without the Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis.

For these reasons when I am alone; I can ignore the images, the sounds and the disconnections of others and I have probably learned way to well the skill of distracting myself with my daily workload, my writing, my blogging, music and even reading. Being alone is where I am most comfortable, and probably the most self-aware… I learned the art of convincing myself that loneliness doesn’t matter … but deep within my way down into the burrows of deeply hidden soul, I know that the way I feel does truly and deeply matter to me.

It’s a lonely world living out the day to day comings and goings of my unpaved road… something to be said for a life being lived in weakened moments of loneliness… but never in the path of a life having room for boredom.

So in the wrapping up this daily write; I will say this “Solitude is a highly judged area. Society lays down a lot of rules here — there are definite rights and wrongs on how much time you should spend on your own. And people don’t hesitate to lecture you on what those rules are if you are caught enjoying a bit of peace and quiet. If you’re not careful, you can find yourself being dragged into a social situation against your will and for your own good.

It wouldn’t matter so much if it didn’t come with the risk of being characterised. A loner is ‘sad’. A recluse is a ‘billy-no-mates.”… I not a loner I just like my alone time… I can think, I can write, I can be productive… and I can find my solace in my many daily writings… I don’t feel “all be”.. I just see my aloneness in my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis… alone but no afraid… living moments of my day in solitude… and many more in the company of “My Story “… I only wish that I didn’t feel the disconnection of those around me purely because it would be easier for me to tell them that I am not the person who is struggling with what is my now ppms life.


Thank you for reading my March 12th very personal journal page… it may be honest and very raw but it is for a big step in learning to shed some light on the vulnerability that I work so hard at hiding…

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

“Relationship’s Matter”

Quote

relationshipsmatter1.png
Not everyone gets the same version of me

One person may tell you
That I am an amazing beautiful soul.
Another person may tell you
That I am cold hearted.
Believe them both
For I act accordingly.


I am not 100% certain of where I found the above written quote, I copied it down into my notebook without referencing where it came from (so not like me) but where ever it cane from; it comes with a message that is truly unique to our individual needs. I have since found this written quote on TheMindsJournal website…

What this written quote says about me is that I am not the same person to everyone… that there is a small part of me that is able to exist in a whole different personality then the one that others usually meet & see.

This by no means doesn’t mean that I am not being my true self at all times… it simply means that some people have a way of ruffling my feathers and the nice, happy, kind and the do anything for anyone side of me gets tired of being pushed to the ground… the result of this usually results in my personality altering itself and its perceptions of people… a fight and flight mode erupts in me and I end up choosing that done people are just not the people that I want in my circle or around me for any reason.

If I had to choose a symbol that represents my friendships and relationships that I set to make or have made with others it would be that of an onion… there are many layers to an onion and just like an onion there are many layers to being known as a friend to me… I admit that I may not be as accepting or as open to making friends as some other people maybe… I make no apologies for my own selves self preservation mode that always has my back…

Being friends with someone is a very personal adventure… I take on all my friendships and or relationships in a very personal manner… it may take me sometime to make trusting and long lasting relationships with others but once I have I hold onto them for life.

There is no sugar coating how it is that I feel for others and there certainly is no time for glazing over the responsibilities that my inner self has in keeping me from the making connections with people that in the long run do not serve the needs of not only myself but also the person/s on the other end.

As  written by Mark Manson in his post titled “Every Successful Relationship Is Successful For The Same Exact Reasons”
(copied & written both in and out of context of Mark’s wording)

Communication, no matter how open, transparent and disciplined, will always break down at some point. Conflicts are ultimately unavoidable, and feelings will always be hurt. The only thing that can save a relationship & or friendship is unerring respect for one another… thus is the case for any relationship… relationship or another status of connection.

Without that bedrock of respect underneath you, you will doubt each other’s intentions. You will judge their choices and encroach on their independence. You will feel the need to hide things from one another for fear of criticism. And this is when the cracks in the edifice begin to appear.
relationshipsmatter.png

I consider myself to choosy no picky when it comes to making friends… I believe that some people were meant to cross paths… some people were meant to come into our lives… they start off as strangers and end up becoming our world, our tribe, our people and others are just bridges in the journey of our life they are a means to an end… a pathway to our next adventure and or destination… I maybe choosy in what relationships & connections that I to form with others, but this is because I respect myself enough to hold on long enough to have the people around me that work within my needs and scope of things to fulfil me and moral standings.

I admittedly always enter a relationship with trepidation, I try so very hard to leave my need for interaction and connection at the door of the opening to my soul… I am probably to much in the know of what my soul needs in a friendship and or a relationship and this is where I personally falter…  I always walk quietly and silently, sitting in on conversations friedships101.gif
where I quietly sit listen & observe the interactions and conversations of those in the room…

Then there comes a time when I feel comfortable enough to move on into the  building blocks of my connections & I am ever so aware that I am guilty of putting myself online in the hope that my wants and needs of and for a relationship are met… I am also guilty of being so bloody honest (both a blessing and a curse)… I often tell people of my expectations, my wants and my needs “in face value; I can see how this can be seen as intimidating and in your face.” I with most probability come across as being to head strong, to wanting… and I am most definitely guilty of carrying a check sheet of what I want in my connections with others… guilty guilty guilty !

In the end what friendships, relationships and those momentary connections do for us is that they give us different perspectives and chances to learn difference and tolerances that teach us how we want to be treated and how we when all is said and done go through our lives treating others.

Simply putting it… Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there. They are meant to serve some sort of purpose, to teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are and who you want to become & on the other side of the flipped coin we often know within ourselves who isn’t meant to be in our lives… sometimes we convince ourselves that someone is meant to be there when they actually serve no purpose at all… sometimes out of guilt, pity or reluctance to move on we keep what is known and comfortable to us out of fear of change or the fear of the unknown. Every person has something to teach us… whether a person stays in our lives for an hour, a day or 10 years.. they are the right amount of time for you. Simply all relationships & friendships have a life span… time us the only unknown factor to expiration date of those we connect & relate to. 

Time is a perspective of numbers… & people are with us for as little time or as long of a time that our inner selves learn the lessons that they come bundled with.

“If you find yourself in my friendship circle then you have proven to me that you come with the same things that I need and want in my own life… & you have also proven that you are friendships.jpg
in for the long haul or that you come with the lessons that will guide us both to where we need to be. I never come into any of my connections with others in a one way circle… I give a lot of myself in my willingness to learn & be taught how I want to e treated and in how others wish to be treated in return.

Friendships & relationships are not just a destination for me… I always cone on board the friendship & relationship train with long jeopardy in my heart, mind & soul… I don’t expect the same level of connection from those around me… but I hope that other people understand that when I no longer feel that my friendship and relationship status is being served; that it is then that I must move on…

As  written by Mark Manson in his post titled “Every Successful Relationship Is Successful For The Same Exact Reasons” 

Shitty, co-dependent relationships have an inherent stability because you’re both locked in an implicit bargain to tolerate the other person’s bad behaviour because they’re tolerating yours, and neither of you wants to be alone. On the surface, it seems like “compromising in relationships because that’s what people do,” but the reality is that resentments build up, and both parties become the other person’s emotional hostage -Author Karen-

For many of us, our friends are an extended family — and family can be hard work. But I think it’s worth remembering that we have as much control over the people we socialize with as the people we date, and thinking of each individual friendship as its own love story can help us evaluate our own needs and behaviours. That might entail discovering friendships that have passed their expiration date, but it can also mean renewing our appreciation and affection for the ones that haven’t.

“Friendship is everything. Friendship is more than talent. It is more than the government. It is almost the equal of family.- Don Corleone”

Who ever said that making friendships, relationship & connections with others was easy… certainly hasn’t been through the mill of connectedness and bust ups with others. In the end what matters is how we serve our own personal and interpersonal needs and how we hold ourselves both morally and judgementally in all that we seek to gain and receive from others. 

“The fact is relationships are imperfect, messy affairs. And it’s for the simple reason that they’re comprised of imperfect, messy people—people who want different things at different times. Mark Manson in his post titled “Every Successful Relationship Is Successful For The imagesT6NC2FVG
Same Exact Reasons”
 

When all is said & done relationships, friendship and connectedness with others are hard work but they are also worth the time in putting your best self and efforts into building & maintaining their fragile inner and outer cores.

Friendships, Relationships & Connections are all about Nature & Nurture. Nature is learning the skills & art of maintaining a Friendship, A Relationships or Connections with others… & Nature is harnessing the gits that our Friendships, Relationships & Connections give us, giving us time to grow and change in our wants and expectations of others as time passes by in our relationships with others.”


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

“My Uitwaaien Time Out”

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As with all languages, there are certain common Dutch words and phrases that simply don’t translate into English. Many of these linguistic curiosities beautifully capture specifibreaktime.jpgc aspects of Dutch culture, whilst others resonate with English speakers despite their cryptic nature.

Today’s daily write is about a word that describes why I haven’t been keeping up with my daily blogging posts and daily writings for the last few days and or weeks.

We writers tend to live in our heads and its necessary for us to step outside and enjoy the sunshine more than every once in a while. Shaking up your routine can sometimes, inadvertently, lead to you generating some of your best material”
~ Mitchell Martin Jnr ~

The word that I am dedicating today’s daily writing to is UITWAAIEN –
Pronunciation l aut-vwl-en (OUT-vwy-ehn) & the origin of this descriptive word is Dutch.

Uitwaaien is a verb, and it is an “untranslatable” Dutch word with no perfect or equivalent English translation. It is pronounced something like OUT-vine.

Uitwaaien, literally translated means “to walk in the wind,” to take a brief break in order to clear one’s head.

Uitwaaiening is a verb that represents itself by its rough translation; that being – taking time out to go walking outdoors to gain better insight or calm down after a stressful event. Although ‘Uitwaaien’ usually connotes forest paths or windswept beaches, its possible to ‘Uitwaaien’ in parks or even gardens.

Why would a person take an Uitwaaien moment… well a person would take out an Uitwaaien moment in order to clear their head in order to lift or release the burdens of a person’s heavy heart or over worked mind & life… an Uitwaaien is done by taking a brief break in nature or open space.

For the last few I have been feeling a little over run and a hell of a lot overwhelmed by the fast pace and the happenings of my busy life.

I am guilty of allowing things to overwhelm me.. I have had my busy mind trapped by a pile of paperwork and many different feelings and emotions.

I knew that I was becoming very inwardly tired and I certainly felt the weight of the world on my shoulders… the affects of this very deep level of exhaustion was holding me down and I felt as though I was going to collapse under the weight of my life’s pressures and struggles.

I felt very strongly that the best thing that I could do for myself was to allow myself the right to take a small time out… I needed a break from my ever winding was writing here and woman-walking-away_largethere but most of that was being done in my scribbling’s and notebook. My scribbled notebook writings unwritten and just like the Dutch word Uitwaaien my written words were not being written and uploaded to my daily blog writings.

In all honesty I thought that taking a break from my daily writings. Would give me the much needed break that both me and my mind needed in order to find a patch of calmness and quietness in my mind… but if I have to be completely honest; I became even more weighed down but the words and the daily writings that I wasn’t writing than the actual reasons for me needing to take out my few weeks of Uitwaaien.

I found interests in some of my other long forgotten musings… i.e. crocheting and reading… I was able to start a new crochet blanket (I was pleasantly surprised how quickly the flow of my stitches cane together). As for reading; I haven’t read like I actually did in my Uitwaaien moments for some years… I was reading 1-2 books a week and I found myself on many occasions loosing myself in the words and characters of the writings of my chosen books..
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For the first time in a long time… my crocheting and reading musings had me locked deep into a period of reflection and thought… I thought about many things and I found that I was longing to offload my mind in a mind map exercise; an exercise that had me working on reprioritising my daily workload and the many thoughts that were flooding my mind and thoughts…

I yearned everyday in my own absence the permission to pick up my pen and go back to my writing; the place where I knew that my solace was in my writing… I knew oh to well that I was never lost or lonely when I was writing but for some reason unbeknownst to me… I became uneasy and unable to string together my thoughts and words that up until this lost in my self moment my writings flowed with ease… I saw myself struggling and wondered what the hell was happening… & in the long run I decided to not fight my overwhelmed seld and the very things that were weighing me down and I allowed them the time and space that they needed to find the fresh air that they needed.

At first I put pressure on myself to return to my daily writings on an everyday basis and then I decided that what I needed was a date a date that would have me returning to my love of writing… in setting this date I chose to not set it in concrete and the pep talk began “take as much time as you need to unwind and untangle my mind and thoughts..” and hear I am back with a clearer mind and thought process… still not 100% back so happy to find that familiar solace in the words that fill my heart, mind and soul with contentment.

I knew from the get go that all I needed was some time in my own space, where there was no schedule and no need for me to control my every thinking and thoughts.


M.E. Time
By Gordon David
Reference – https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/m-e-time/

This is me time
To do what I gotta do
So please just let me be
I’ve always been there for you

Yes it’s me time
I owe you no apology
You’ve had nearly all I’ve got
Now I must be on my way

Because it’s me time
I just wanna be on my own
I’ll do what’s best for me
So I need to be left alone

Yes this is me time
I just need to do some thinking
Some peace and tranquility
You know I won’t be drinking

For it’s me time
Can you see it in my eyes
I need some time for me
I’ve always hated goodbyes

This is me time
I can deal with the physical pain
It can’t really hurt me
I think I’m just staying sane

This is just me time
I’ve gotta think of number one
Instead of everyone else
To undo all the knots I’ve done

I just need some me time
Do things I feel I need to do
I’ve nothing left to give
It isn’t me this time it’s you.

I need my me time
I am trying to make you understand
That it’s not easy being me
So with a virtual wave of my hand

this is me time,
time for just myself
I’ll be in touch some day
when I’m in better health


I am so happy to be back with my pen in hand.
penwrite
Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Song Appreciation – “The Greatest Showman – A Million Dreams”

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greatest-show_mini.jpgSong Appreciation – “The Greatest Showman – A Million Dreams”
Sung by – Artists: Hugh Jackman, Ziv Zaifman, Michelle Williams
Movie – The Greatest Showman
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“The Greatest Showman – A Million Dreams” – Lyrics

I close my eyes and I can see
The world that’s waiting up for me
That I call my own
Through the dark, through the door
Through where no one’s been before
But it feels like home

They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy
They can say, they can say I’ve lost my mind
I don’t care, I don’t care, so call me crazy
We can live in a world that we design

‘Cause every night I lie in bed
The brightest colors fill my head
A million dreams are keeping me awake
I think of what the world could be
A vision of the one I see
A million dreams is all it’s gonna take
A million dreams for the world we’re gonna make

There’s a house we can build
Every room inside is filled
With things from far away
The special things I compile
Each one there to make you smile
On a rainy day

They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy
They can say, they can say we’ve lost our minds
I don’t care, I don’t care if they call us crazy
Runaway to a world that we design

Every night I lie in bed
The brightest colors fill my head
A million dreams are keeping me awake
I think of what the world could be
A vision of the one I see
A million dreams is all it’s gonna take
A million dreams for the world we’re gonna make

However big, however small
Let me be part of it all
Share your dreams with me
You may be right, you may be wrong
But say that you’ll bring me along
To the world you see
To the world I close my eyes to see
I close my eyes to see

Every night I lie in bed
The brightest colors fill my head
A million dreams are keeping me awake
A million dreams, a million dreams
I think of what the world could be
A vision of the one I see
A million dreams is all it’s gonna take
A million dreams for the world we’re gonna make

For the world we’re gonna make

Video Clip Url – https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pSQk-4fddDI


greatest-showman
Song Appreciation – Questions

1. What does the title of the song tell you it is about?

The song title is a “A Million Dreams” – what it says to me is that someone has spent some time dreaming for sometime or even a million times over for the life or the being that they want for themselves.


2. Read or listen to the song quietly. What is happening?

When I listen to the song “A Million Dreams”… I hear the love and passion of uncharted territory… the long of a love that has lived its presence in million long dreams of a heart longing touch.

I hear the youth of a new love showing its maturity in the yearn for the unknown hold that love installs in the hearts of every single person or every single soul that has ever love anyone in a far greater capacity then he or she has ever loved another.

A Million Dreams is a vivid song that flutters colours and euphoria in the love that is seen in those million dreams… sing breath, belief and reality into a world that is yearning to be real.


3. What is your first impression of the song? My impression of the “A Million Dreams” is the very feeling that reminds me of the love that I felt when My Dreams of loving my husband in the flesh and not in the dreams and wants that I had for him.

Our wedding song by Savage Garden – I Knew I Loved You talks about my exact feeling and connection that I had for some years before Steve and I actually became one.

There’s just no rhyme or reason
Only the sense of completion
And in your eyes, I see
The missing pieces I’m searching for
I think I’ve found my way home
I know that it might sound
More than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

I understand the euphoria that the song A Million Dreams
Conveys…

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I’ve found you
Is how my story started… my story & its reality, beautiful colours fade away the world and the people around you when you find reality in the dreams that colour the world of love that fills the world and hearts of two finding love for the very first time.


4. Now read the song a second time. Notice how it is punctuated. Do any images
stand out to you?

The image that comes to me is a prom dance night, the lSt dance of the evening where nothing exists but the music and the lights flickering the colours of the falling glitter and confetti into the euphoria that exists when two hearts find each other.


5. Is there a rhyming pattern? What is it? Is there a noticeable rhythm to the words?

The rhythm that tge song A Million dreams is of an out of breath person in love talking quickly so that they can talk of the love that has ones heart in it grip…

Patterns painted in coloured huge flashing light hitting the skys…

Deeply felt is love in yearning that it has a noticeable heart beat that beating fast in the story the song A Million Dreams sings.


6. Is there an obvious meaning to the song?

Yes absolutely there is an obvious meaning to A Million Dreams… and sing so beautifully of its expectations of a love that is dreamed of over and over again, soon to be live in reality that will soon breathe life into its world & words.


7. Is there an implied meaning?

The implied meaning is known “A Million Dreams” all of the same story.. the deep and burning yearn for the vivid love that ones heart dreams of; over and over again.


Song Facts
Reference – https://www.songfacts.com/facts/ziv-zaifman/a-million-dreams

Written by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul for The Greatest Showman soundtrack, “A Million Dreams” is sung by the young P. T. Barnum (Ziv Zaifman) to his future wife Charity Hallett (Michelle Williams). He tells her of his dreams for the future and explains his confidence that if they work hard for it, they will come true.

“We wanted to show a couple of things. One, that this flame of a dreamer that is Barnum always has a vision. He always wanted life to be larger and colorful than it was. We wanted to show that’s the kind of thing that ran through the character from when he was a kid to being an adult.

But for the story, we thought it would also be interesting and ironic that he expresses this dream as a kid and when we meet Hugh Jackman as an adult now. He still has that same dream and he still hasn’t found that thing. He still hasn’t built the house, so to speak. He hasn’t been good on the promise he makes to himself and Charity. So that dream is kept alive.”

This was the first tune that Pasek and Paul wrote for The Greatest Showman and it served as their audition for The Greatest Showman. However, nothing was assured. “Every song in the movie we wrote in a competitive way, because we were never hired as the songwriters for the movie,” Pasek told Billboard. “We had to submit a song for each song moment.”


More Facts

Reference – https://www.songmeaningsandfacts.com/a-million-dreams-by-ziv-zaifman-featuring-michelle-ingrid-hugh-jackman/

PRE-CHORUS
The people around him think he is losing his mind for dreaming of such. Yet despite this opposition he is committed to achieving a reality based on his fantasy. Indeed he can’t sleep at night due to nagging yet wonderful imaginings of a reality he feels he and his fellow believers are able to create.

VERSE 2
The second verse then gets more specific in identifying that the song is indeed about a particular person. As such we get a gander of what it is he is actually conceptualizing, which are exotic items that bring joy to peoples’ lives, even on depressing days. Likewise the business P. T. Barnum was engaged in was circuses.

CHORUS
The subject of the song then switches from a young P. T. Barnum into his adult form. Yet once again he is expressing the same sentiments as in the pre-chorus. In other words, the adult P. T. Barnum possesses the same colorful aspirations that he had as a youth.

BRIDGE
During the bridge, P. T. Barnum’s wife, Charity, joins him in singing. She expresses that she shares his vision and is there to support him throughout his journey to make it come true. He relays the same sentiment to her.

OUTRO
The song concludes on the note that P.T. and Charity are indeed actively engaged in creating “the world” that they both dream of.


Quick Facts about “A Million Dreams”

This song was performed by actors Ziv Zaifman, Hugh Jackman and Michelle Williams. These stars, including Jackman, actually sang this song.

Songwriters Justin Paul, Joseph Trapanese and Alex Lacamoire are credited with composing this track.
“A Million Dreams” was produced by Benj Pasek and all three of the song’s writers.

The song appears on the soundtrack album to The Greatest Showman. That album is titled The Greatest Showman: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack. It was released on December 8, 2017.


My Interpretation Of “A Million Dreams”

Through the doors of the world we built
I walk on in
I scan the room for the familiar smells
That beckon me to your side

All day long I have day dreamed of holding you
Caressing passion burning bright
Where I in my mind I have kissed you a thousand times

Words are meaningless b445ed0913dbd8b55a7ce48c9c018504-hidden-doors-surrealism-art.jpg

Silence encircles
No words are needed in exchange

Slow motions
Mirror the two of us
Wrapped up in the euphoria
Of the lost hours where our eyes didn’t cross
Nothing better than falling into the abyss
Of our hearts in tune

“I close my eyes and I can see a world that has spent it’s hours waiting for me”
There I hug you
Standing tall in a stance
Where my heart lights up the sky

I’m not crazy
And I haven’t lost my mind
You are the earth my footsteps walk on for
Cradled heart
Two minds as one
There is nothing more wanting
In my beating heart
Than the love that wraps us in its warmth

You are the vision
That I once used to dream
Now your standing
Heart to heart
Arms in grip
Nothing could ever top this feeling
For I have found my reality
The million dreams that I used to dream

Those dreams of you
Were once so vivid
Now I feel your breath breathing with mine
Cradled in arms
And hearts deeply entwined
You are my world
And my only one.

You are the million dreams
I no longer dream
For you are the unfolding of was once just a dream.

By Tanya Kelly


I love this song that has me writing about it in my today’s writings… it takes me right back to the day when my hubby Steve became real flesh and blood, the touch and feel of a person that I had met some 3 years on three separate before.

As written on May 19th, 2018 – What Words Would I Have Spoken To You On Our Wedding Day –

istockphoto-500117975-612x612.jpgYou Are My Best Friend,
My Sense Of Completion
The Missing Pieces That I Was Searching For
We Both Complete
Now That We Are One.

& again talked about my euphoria of love for my hubby Steve in my writing dated:- October 27th, 2000 – Here’s To Our 18th Wedding Anniversary October, Saturday 28th, 2000 where I wrote the following:-

Through the sands of time, Many days went by But I never let go of your picture in my mind. I promised myself that I would someday find you Reconnect with you And make you mine.

You’ve always been hidden Far back in my subconscious But every now and then There would be a whispered word Nudging me telling me that you are never far That someday soon; You will materialise and become forever mine.

There was a time in those years Where I gained a glimpse of you But the mesmeric fields of love Never aligned us on the same path.

Your name was heard In the traps of other peoples words… And just as I accepted That our love may never to be; Like a genie in the wind, You appeared in the flesh And there you were in front of me.

A stolen kiss from a stranger in person But in my dreams, this certainly wasn’t our first. Then it came That you become mine Loving you always And far more than one lifetime should allow.

Written By
Tanya Kelly
2018


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Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 138 – Writing Challenge Question “Tarra – Nicholle Nelson”

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Ok so today was day #1 of a 10 day writing challenge.. (like I need any other self imposed Tara Nicholle-Nelson.jpg
projects in my daily schedule).

The Writing Challenge I Am Undertaking is – The SoulTour Community – 10 Day Writing Challenge – Tarra – Nicholle Nelson –
http://www.taranicholle.com/30-day-writing-challenge. This writing challenge will go from March 19th, 2019 – March 29th, 2019  (10 days as the name suggests.
_______________________________________________

So here is the Writing Prompt of the Day #1: What’s Your Game Name Now?

After an example of what  Daenerys Targaryen “Game Of Thrones Heroine calls herself and why… I thought Ok… ” How Hard Could It Be To Write About Me In A Mouthful Of Formal Descriptiveness? “

Daenerys Targaryen’s name goes like this: “Daenerys of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queen of Daenerys Targaryen.jpg
Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regnant of the Seven Kingdoms, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons.”

Tarra – Nicholle Nelson goes on to say in her writing instructions of Day #1’s writing prompt that Daenery introduces herself with her name followed by a long list of clauses that detail her feats and describe who she is — and wants others to know she is — at her essence, now, constantly updating her name as she lives and evolves.
___________________________

So…. knowing that I have Only seen season 1 complete, and part of 2,3 & 7 in bits & pieces, & not truly knowing anything about Daenerys Targaryen … lol I thought … how hard could this exercise be..?

I wont bore you with my long drawn out version … but here is what I wrote…
_______________________________________________
Tanya House Of Kelly, Of Australia – Sydney, (Will Be Forever Known Under Other Known Aliases. Ms. T (Pen Name), RiteMinded (Pen Name), 365 Day Somethings (Blogger Name), Angelfacepoet (Pen Name), Tan (Shortening Of Name), Wife Of Steve, Mom To Sean, Nichaalus, Katijana & Human Wanna Be Lucas Jack Russel Kelly, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Friend, Relation, Cousin, (All Rightfully Earned Names) Web Designer (Career), Writer, Author, Blogger (Chosen Hobbyist Names), Ms Warrior (Illness Known Since Diagnosis In 2014) , Counsellor (Last Known Educational Qualification).
_______________________________________________

582 characters long… do you think that you will fit on my drivers licence, or on the signature line of any important document ? … ” nah yah right probably not ! ! ! ” We have to be grateful of our simple language at times… even a badly written paragraph of text is far easier to read then the formal writings of yester years… don’t you think ?
Come Join Me @ The
The SoulTour Community – 10 Day Writing Challenge – Tarra – Nicholle Nelson –
Click Here

If You Are Intrigued about what Tarra offers up in the ways of writing prompts in her 10 Day Writing Challenge at “The SoulTour Community.”
_______________________________________________
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Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #137 “Why I Write Verse”

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Today in my day-to-day research and daily writing endeavours I came across a small verse  that I would live to share with you.

This verse gives me the reasons and the validity to why I sit here everyday and write as whywrite2.jpg
much and as often as I do.

Maybe it won’t be famous.
Maybe it won’t be a movie,
but that is not why I started it
and that’s not why I’ll finish.

Author. Ryan Reudell
Legendary Writing

This about verse is the very reason behind my writing; I don’t seek fame or fortune and I don’t seek a box office hit, my only goal for my writings is for my heart, mind & soul to find peace in every word they write.

I personally write everyday to leave a legacy and some documented evidence of my life and of the lives of those who paved their way before me… a memoir, an autobiography, a collection of unedited thoughts… a well researched family tree or a box full of priceless documents that show who our ancestors once were.

” When She Came To Write Her Story; She Would Wonder When The Books & The Words Started To Mean Not Just Something, But Everything.
~ Markus Zusak ~ The Book Thief  ~

I can tell you that my writings have always meant the world to me, but as I have gotten a little older, mainly since my children have come to need less and less of the every moment of my everyday… I have found my voice in my written words and those words have become the everything that I am, Someday’s I spend hours writing and as of late I have begun to chronicle the stories that my Family future generations will some day lean upon for historical reference and unspoken reference… For me personally I know that I would be lost if I couldn’t write… if my words failed to fill my pages; I would certainly cease to exist… so whilst my mind is sharp and willing to bare the long hours of writing I will sit and write until there are no more words to be written.

I don’t write for other people, but love it when I read what someone has written about my
whyiwrite.jpgdeep and sometimes mindless written thoughts, I write for myself and for the stories that need to be told… the reminders of our history… reminders and keepsakes for the generations of youngsters that will follow in mine and my ancestors well walked path.

 I write because it make me feel alive in the every word that I write… & when I have a moment of tearyness of stories a long time forgiven – but begging to be told, I will look upon the scripted words laying written on my page and think of them as a moment in clarification and as a moment in spent unburdening my soul.

For those who think my writing is frivolous (not having any serious purpose or value), I say this… To you my writing hours maybe be torturous and tedious and those hours tapping away on my keyboard or scribbling in my note filled books may seem to be a waste of time…. Call & see my written and writing adventures however you may see them, but I will serve out my years; chronicling to my day’s end.

Maya Angelou says all that needs to be said for why it is that I and others write… ” The Idea is to write so that people hear it and it slides through the brain and goes straight to the heart.”
~ Maya Angelou ~

A story that impacts on another person life or reading heart of another person is a story worth its reading time… even the simplest of written words can and will have an impact on someone’s life.

“There is something about words. In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner. Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk, and when you are so enthralled you cannot move, they pierce your skin, enter your blood, numb your thoughts. Inside you they work their magic.”
~ Diane Setterfield ~

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Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #134 “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” – Part #4

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“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”
Reference/s –
https://themighty.com &
https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf


img_3811-1When I write about my story of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis I write in a personal way… I write about PPMS as if he was a real person , with a real identity…(I have humanised him and even given him a name and a gender, his name is “My Story – and his gender is Male”

There are times throughout my writings where “My Story” himself makes an appearance & he is allowed to have a voice and even writes in the first person, I choose not to write for him (as a person telling another person’s story – in a disconnected third person kind of way)… “My Story” does have his own identity and he in fact as of late has started to identify himself as a comedian… (a self amused writer… as I personally see him).

I do think that in giving a human form to the identity of my PPMS, by giving him a name & a gender, by allowing him to speak in his own voice, in allowing him to identify himself as a comedian I think that I am just putting a lighter side to a diagnosis that exists in my body… that works against me in my everyday life… pushing its boundaries and “kick ass attitude” into my even white knuckled painful daily journey.

I have written before in and throughout my writings about my PPMS about how I feel that I am in my day to day life of having Ms test I know that I am in a fight with myself and my diagnosis to maintain who it is that I am…. and who it was that I was before my diagnosis of PPMS came to be a small part of who it is that I am now. I have written about how it is important for me to maintain my mind, my thoughts and my ability to learn new things.

And I have written on numerous occasions of my fears of how I would struggle to lose the who and the what parts of the very person that I am… what would I do without my thoughts and my mind processing and working abilities?? I would hate to think… my god I think that I would be better off being lost to this world than I would be if I had to live in this world with a diminished reality of whom it is that I am.

And there are times when I share a personal side of my PPMS story and how it affects me … just recently in a post I wrote the following:- “My Story”… I even thank him kindly when he makes me crash head first into the walls of my hallway… I don’t particularly find it funny when he trips me up on my many times folded socks (I have small feet and my socks have a mind of their own, together “My Story” and my socks work hard at pissing me off), but I give them a mouthful.. throwing my sox into the washing basket screaming “you deserve far worse treatment but maybe a spin in the washing machine will teach you who is boss..”

It sounds ridiculous… but getting mad only feeds the pain and symptoms… of “My Story” and my PPMS… I have found that humour humiliates both my symptoms and my ass-kicking socks and momentarily I feel a release of it’s at times overwhelming pain threshold that it can at times have over me.

I do tell people who ask about my Ms… that I Have Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, It Can & Will Kick Me In The Ass When It So Has The Need & Or Want To… But Humour Keeps It’s Hold On Me From Knocking Me To The Floor.

I do choose to get up everyday knowing that at this moment in time that there is no cure for Ms, that there is only trials, treatments and day to day struggles…I have on many occasions been told that I am way to positive about my PPMS diagnosis “Like Really – Was That A Sentence, A Statement Or A Judgement ?”

I have told many people over the years since my diagnosis that there is truly no point in seeing the bad side of my Ms diagnosis, that crying & screaming “why me ?” isn’t for me… I tell people that at times Ms may have a tight grip on my pain threshold, but I believe that humour and giving it an identity like I have keeps the strong hold and the amount of medications that I have to take down to the minimum.

So I say to you my readers …. that maybe I am way to positive or even casual about my PPMS and its diagnosis/symptoms and maybe that positive attitude is too positive of an attitude for some people to handle… but for me, having a positive, humanising, humorous attitude about my PPMS is how i cope and get by from day to day – being positive works for me and whilst my positive attitude may not dwell well with others… I say to that…. What others think and how they feel about my positive attitude is just that “their thoughts” I choose not to weigh into the thinking’s and thoughts of other people… my journey and the way I go about it is what makes my Ms story personal to me…I choose to laugh in the face of my own diversity…  ” I refuse to use MS as a crutch or an excuse for the bad days that may block my day-to-day paths, I put on a brave face each & everyday… wearing strength & inner perseverance like a super hero cape even when the days have me feeling like I have no energy to power on.”


Awhile back I wrote the below poem titled “This Is Me”… A summation of the everything that I am… & I feel its a perfect summation of  today’s scrawling’s and my inner thoughts.

“This Is Me”
I’m not a stranger to the verbal words spoken behind my turned back
I see the finger-pointing
& I feel the stabbing pains that dig me deep within my heart
Pushing me to my breaking pointing
Expecting me to run
Run as far as it takes where no one can see me
All because they say its fun
To pull away at my inner workings
To see how I tick and toc

They want to see me hurt
They want to feel my need
All so that they can say that they were the ones who saved me!

I walk alone in my own stained glass tears
Pushing forward with all that wills me
Through the barricades of people who hold me back
& onto the footpath that I have built for me
And when the darted words make my life unbearable
I choose to walk tall vowing that my tears will never fall.

Silent moments and a flood of tears
Away from watching eyes and cheers of laughter
Silence becomes my comforter
As my legs raise me to where I am ok again.

I am not scared to have to have an opinion
& I am not scared to make it known
& whilst I certainly do not walk without fear
I am comforted by my guiding morals and values
I make no apologies,
I welcome my strength and know that this is who is me.
And when their words
Try to bend and break my resolve
I put on my brave face
& walk proudly on.

I am me
I am unique
I am the best me that I can be.
No hesitations
No apologies
& certainly no damn sorry’s
For I am being who it is that I was meant to be.

Written By
Tanya Kelly
2019


So… “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” …. Hell yah it is… & his name is “ My Story, He Is Male, He Identifies As A Comedian” and together “ My Story & I ” live with a positive attitude that has a humanising element of who & what “My Story”  & PPMS” is to me…

PPMS, “My Story” & I  are the elements of me that make me; me!


So there it is my thoughts and perspectives on an interesting question came into my inbox.. (“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”)… the very thoughts that got me thinking about my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, and about how PPMS, “My Story” & I  are the elements of me that make me; me!

Reference/s – https://themighty.com & https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf


Thank you for sticking with me & my long winded writings and thoughts. I hope that through my words you gained a greater understanding of what Multiple Sclerosis is and how the many of thousands of people who have it get through their every day’s.

Multiple Sclerosis may have altered some of my body’s workings & it may have altered the way that I do thing in my day to day life… but I am strong and I live each day to the fullest with a hope that the generations that will follow in my footsteps will live a life without Multiple Sclerosis or any other autoimmune disease in their timeline.


<== This Blog Post’s Other Pages ==>
Introduction  –  #1  –  #2  –  #3  –  #4

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Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


Day #133 “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” – Part #3

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“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”
Reference/s –
https://themighty.com &
https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf


img_3811-1So to answer the question put forward at the beginning of this daily write:- “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”

Well the answer is yes… yes of course my condition & diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis is part of who I am… but not in terms of “Am I Who Is It Is That I Am Because  I Have Been Diagnosed With Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis?” Well the answer to this is no, no my PPMS hasn’t made me who it is that I am & I certainly do not write about the things that I write about in my daily scrawling’s because of my Ms.

Some Background To My Daily Writings

I have been writing since I was very young & I have always written  at some level for these many years but on January 9th, 2018 I took up my daily writings as part of an agreement that I made with myself.  (I wanted to start up journaling again but was seriously concerned about the safety and security of my writings because some years ago my journal was stolen and handed around my teenage community of friends – from that moment I vowed to never journal again).

So in January last year I started writing on a daily bases and submitted my daily thoughts at http://www.750words.com&#8230; this writing forum was locked by a username and password… so I began writing and submitting my daily scrawling’s and felt secure in doing so.

So time rolled in and I was already dabbling in my thoughts of blogging… but there was no way that I was going to post what I had been writing about in my 750words.com’s daily postings… some of it was ok to use… but there was a degree of “personal anonymity that I want to keep.. for both me and my writings sake.”

I was so bogged down by my initial setup of my blog because I wanted to use my web design skills to create a website/blog that was all mine… I was do weighed down by the designing process of my blog that I becoming very overwhelmed by the whole idea of blogging, so I bit the bullet and put my design wants aside and began a free blogging site with http://www.wordpress.com – a site that is today known as 365 Day Somethings (http://365daysomethings.wordpress.com).

What I write about at 365 Day Somethings isn’t all about my diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis… there are posts about my PPMS but it rates the occasional mention and only from time to time.

Before I was diagnosed with PPMS I was a writer with much to say… but writing poetry & daily journaling was where I was in my wants for my writing journey.

As a child I did have ideas and or thoughts of becoming a journalist or a columnist but these parts of my secret thoughts and wants for my life were avenues and aspirations that I never pursued.

So before blogging and daily writings at 750words I was a web designer and the occasional writer of poetry… & when I say occasional writer of poetry what I mean to say here is that I probably have a few hundred pieces of written pieces that I have written over the past years.

After my actual diagnosis of PPMS I do think that I became more serious about my writing abilities and my wants for my many stories and hidden thoughts to be written…

There was a part of me that thought that my stories would be of some comfort to my Family and Friends in the event that my PPMS was to take a turn… I wanted to write and share the things that I kept within and didn’t share freely with others… I suppose that you could say that I saw a need to get writing and to finally download my many thoughts.

So in terms of the question at hand “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” Mmm… like I said … yes no and maybe in a small way it it… but I have always had a writing voice and I have always had an opinion about many things… but I do feel that I dont use my writing voice, my many daily writing avenues and my diagnosis of PPMS to have my say… in fact I more of a “prolific personal writer – an author of many writings “ but in saying that I am not a writer that chooses to write about things that are going on in and around the world… I have written about things in a more open stance before but I feel that my writings could be seen as a “personal collection of memoir elements that put together will tell the many stories of who it is that I am.”

Writing about my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis is a small part of who I am, there us apart of me that want to write as a Warrior and a voice of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis… I do have moments where I want to use my writing abilities to bring a voice and an awareness to Multiple Sclerosis and the life altering symptoms that causes Ms’ers the many limitations that’s its diagnosed disease brings… yes there is a part of me that has a want to advocate for the awareness, the education and the voice for Multiple Sclerosis… but I selfishly want to tell the stories of how my own personal journey and diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis affects and impacts me, my loved ones, my immediate family and my many friends near and far.

My personal stories will with hope become my personal memoir… a story of who I am that will in some sort of left handedness will serve to educate others about the fight and cause of  the disease know as Multiple Sclerosis.


<== Please Go To Blog Post #4 To Continue Reading This Blog Post ==>
Introduction  –  #1  –  #2  –  #3  –  #4

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Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


Day #132 “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” – Part #2

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“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”
Reference/s –
https://themighty.com &
https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf


img_3811-1I personally see my own Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis battle as it is a “Symbiont”) – An organism in a symbiotic relationship. In cases in which a distinction is made between two interacting organisms, the symbiont is the smaller of the two and is always a beneficiary in the relationship, while the larger organism is the host and may or may not derive a benefit from the relationship.

And then there are times when I see my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis as a parasite (Parasitism is a kind of symbiosis; a close and persistent long-term biological interaction between the parasite and its host. Parasitism is a relationship between species, where one organism, the parasite, lives on or in another organism, the host, causing it some harm, and is adapted structurally to this way of life).

Why can’t Ms be known as a parasite?… after all what Ms does to the body is that it eats away the insulating covers of nerve cells, the brain and the spinal cord causing quite a bit of damage and leaving scars along the way… disrupting the ability of parts of the nervous system; causing it to miscommunicate with the body, resulting in a range of signs and symptoms, including physical, mental, and sometimes psychiatric problems.

So What Is Multiple Sclerosis In A Nutshell?

Ms is a demyelinating disease which means that it is a disease of the nervous system in which the myelin sheath of neurons is damaged. This damage impairs the conduction of signals in the affected nerves. In turn, the reduction in conduction ability causes a deficiency in sensation, movement, cognition, or other functions depending on which nerves are involved.

However, a person chooses to take on the plentiful gifts of Ms &it’s many symptoms is purely up to the person who has been given the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis.

In my journey I choose to have a sense of humour (that I hold “My Story) responsible for), I keep busy with my web design/computer technician work, my many writing adventures & of course my blogging journey. I’m a busy Mum of 3 and a Wife to a very supportive Husband who all work hard to keep me grounded and on top of my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis ailments.

I may sound chipper and it may seem that I have a can do, will do & have to do attitude about this whole life-altering story that has me in a not so bad of a way; let my words be heard but please don’t think that my journey has been and will be in the future an easy one, I have many many hard says and some land me in bed for days at s time… I work hard to keep myself on top of things & I work even harder to complete my own self appointed daily schedule… some days are more of an ass kicking than I let on… some days are full of self-talks and muttering moments that spur me to get a move on…

My Diagnosis of Ms has given me many hours of self-doubt… but I will never let myself get to the self-pity stage… I get angry for my family who has to endure the struggles that are not theirs (they also have to take on some of chore lists when “My Story” decides that he isn’t going to be a team player and work to get the house and its many chores done)… I am afraid of what tomorrow will bring… to be frank I am scared shitless of the unknown… I am in constant question time with my mind and souls governing body, it always seems to be in censorship that I am way to busy and mindfully active for someone who has PPMS but being busy in my many daily habits, Family and work life is where I get to be me… the me who has a diagnosis of Ms but is able to push through and just get shit done.

The best advice I could give to anyone struggling is this… get a notebook and write, write, write… Write about anything, writing is the best therapy that you could give to yourself.

Find a hobby, join a book club, take on a new adventure… but please whatever you do… “DON’T SIT STILL” sitting still and giving up will allow Ms and any other autoimmune disease to take over the cognitive functions of who it is that you are…

Like the saying goes “Strength In Numbers – When Referring To Bullying “ I believe that “A Can Do Attitude & Willful Strength Will See Those Brain Fog Days & Kick Ass Symptoms As Moments Of Resting Time For One’s Inner Courage.”

Building strength and determination that will help you to reach deep within… giving you the power to see you through your toughest days is what makes up the best defensive game for you and your Ms journey… will yourself every day to never give up… Ms doesn’t have to be the end of all your life’s ambitions… every person’s Ms is different so it is up to you to draw what will be the map of your life’s path.

“Ms Doesn’t Get To Wear The Warrior Costume & You Don’t Need One; Getting Up & Everyday … Pushing Hard To Be The Very Person You Can Be… Will Become The Grit & Grind That You Hold Onto Strength & Sheer Determination Will See Your Foggy Days Clear… Your Own Warrior Journey Will Be Your Best Run Race The Warrior In You Will Be Victorious When You Take Ms Head on Into Battle.”


<== Please Go To Blog Post #3 To Continue Reading This Blog Post ==>
Introduction  –  #1  –  #2  –  #3  –  #4

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


Day #131 “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” – Part #1

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“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”
Reference/s –
https://themighty.com & https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf


img_3811-1An interesting question came into my inbox this week.. this question got me thinking about my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, about me & about how the two parts make me; me…

The question that was asked is this “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”

So this question by “The Mighty Community Website – which is a supportive community for people facing health challenges and the people who care for them.” got wondering and then all of a sudden I went all sci-fi on my identification of what Multiple Sclerosis may actually be…

My thoughts are kind of a funny now that I am taking the time to sit down and read what it is that I have written. I actually sat down to put some serious thought time into the question at hand…

Blame it on my pain meds or on “My Story – (Ms for short) for the way it chooses to humanise himself with his spits and spats and tit-tat moments of humor… you see… from time to time “My Story” plays out his days as a comedian… he does thinks he is funny… I like to to laugh at him deliberately because I find that he is nicer to me in the days after he has had a good night laughing with his audience… when he has a feeling that my laughter is being disingenuous (not laughing because he is funny… laughing because I know it benefits me and weeks level of suffering)… he serves me a great big bloody hug… taking the air out of my winded sails and forces me to tap out… collapsing into an unscheduled nanna nap.

At first … when I began writing this piece… I wondered in some kind of a half arsed thought; if I was actually living in some sort of codependent relationship with “My Story “ at the helm.. I started to wonder if I was actually the one that was codependent on “My Story” … relying on him soon became over run by the thoughts in my head – screaming out “You codependent on “My Story” oh what a laugh… (seriously I couldn’t be reliant on “My Story” what does he bring to the table besides the attention that he brings me by adorning my body with its ping-ponging funky walk)…

I quickly thought nah to the thought of me living in a codependent relationship with “My Story”… I ‘m not an attention seeker snd my funky walk … well after 6 nearly 7 years of it actually being in existence… it isnt that funny anymore… being flung into my wardrobe as I stumble off balance whilst trying to dress is just not funny anymore… let me not even entertain you with my many stories about my 4am meetings with my hallways door handles that love to stamp my body with bruises.

Who knows; maybe it’s “My Story) that is actually the codependent person in our relationship… after all the definition of codependent is (behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity)… he certainly has a need to be attention seeker, he thinks he is funny, seeks approval by forcing me to laugh at him or he causes me to hurt… and that funky walk he has me doing !! Immaturity Right There !! Yep “My Story” most definitely has a reliance on me for a sense of identity… as warped as it maybe!

Now with all seriousness & with “My Story” & his identity aside…

Maybe just maybe; Ms requires us its life-altering subjects to have life-altering symptoms for it to gain what it needs from us ie myelin and energy…. maybe it has a substance issue and the symptoms that people with Ms suffer from are the very things that Ms is physically or psychologically addicted to…

My theory is that maybe when Ms doesn’t get its fill… it falls into a relapse and drains its human host and land him/her into hours and days of suffering the symptoms of its temper tantrum… stepping up in intensity… proving that it is in charge by allowing the human hosts immune system to eat away at the bodies protective covering of its nerves… tap dancing from head to foot … stopping from time to time to hug its host… making sure that they know that it’s not yet time for Ms to return to its plateau – where it sits in quiet, entering a state of quiet where it has little activity or progress in the progression of its severity and or symptoms.

Then I had a questioning moment where I asked myself with some degree of curiosity… Is My Body A Vessel that carries Ms along in its journey? Or is my Ms a succulent (adaptive and able to absorb and manifest itself and its altering conditions to suit it’s here and now… able to grow into what it wants to be … knowing that it has little to no medical intervention or medication regimes to stand in its way.

Then another thought came by… Is Ms an organism, unfounded, unidentified by today’s scientific world… is it possible that Ms may actually be a parasite or a symbiont feeding on my fatty myelin, whilst wrapping itself around my nerve fibres either to keep warm, or maybe Ms is wrapping itself around my nerve fibres in order to fill its own energy reserves for the purpose of altering me, my abilities, my onslaught of symptoms and of course the level of ever-changing disabilities.


<== Please Go To Blog Post #2 To Continue Reading This Blog Post ==>
Introduction  –  #1 –  #2  –  #3  –  #4

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


 

Day #130 “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” – Introduction

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“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”
Reference/s –
https://themighty.com &
https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf


This is a preliminary post about what I will be blogging about for the next few days. This post that I wrote is quite long so I thought that I would sit down and post it to my blog over a few days.

So what are the next few days of blogging to be about? Well in my e-mail’s inbox a few days ago a question caught my attention… so I thought that I would sit down to write out an answer to the question being asked… (apologies in advance)… It’s seems that my thinking thoughts ran away with my finger tips and together they got a little busy…  unfortunately for you I seem to be a marathon writer – I like to write lengthy posts… but even I think that this one may be a little to long… (but I just couldn’t cut it down to a reasonable & a read worthy size).

So I have placed my thoughts into a few blog posts so I don’t bore you to death.

(I even created the graphic to the left of this blog post to give you a clue of what I will be writing about).


So here is the question that I found in my e-mail’s inbox.
“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”

Referenced Websites
https://themighty.com &
https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf


<== Please Go To Blog Post #1 To Continue Reading This Blog Post ==>
Introduction  –  #1  –  #2  –  #3  –  #4

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


 

Day #129 “Prettiest Wreck You’ve Ever Seen!”

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Here it is 1.17am March 12th 2019… in the aftermath of a Sydney induced dizzy day.

I was reading the mornings newspaper (Facebook) hoping to kill a few moments before I try to put my blogging thoughts and the fact that I am a little behind in daily writes/blogging post to bed for just a few hours, before I rise and shine and try against the hash deliverances of my week and my “My Kick Ass Ms Week” dressed & ready to push through the heated days that are still engulfing Sydney in this being the beginning of Autumn 2019.

So in reading the early morning edition of the life’s self imposing newspaper (Facebook), I came across the following pictured message.

Yeah I’m Hurting…
But on goes  the mascara & lip-gloss.
That’s right,
I’ll be the prettiest wreck you’ve ever seen!

prettieswreck.jpgI often get asked why it is that I bother to get dressed most days.. not only get dressed in clothes, but why do I bother to attempt to tame my freshly washed hair and make myself up in what has been described as “my life’s colouring book pallet” by one of my closest friends.

Well why the hell not I say?

I like being dressed I often say… and I like that my use of makeup helps me to feel less sick or fatigued… and I certainly like that don’t have to look like I am dying even though my Ms can at times leave me feeling as though I am about to crumble to my knees. There is also that small part of me that feels confident in who I am and in what I am offering to others throughout my day when I am dressed in clothes & face etched in colours and tones… what ever my reason… my makeup and my everyday get up and get dressed attitude is who I am and want to be !

Why do I bother? I often get asked… well in my own true to myself spirit I ask in the same curious tone “Why The Hell Not.. & Why Don’t You Bother To Colour You In With Human Made Colours & Hue’s… without sounding like I have a bee in my bonnet about the need for people to ask me why I bother to wear makeup… I want people to know that I wear makeup and choose to put myself together because I truly do not like seeing my Ms down trodden self in the reflection of a mirror…

“Fake It Till You Make It… I Say – or Makeup Yourself The Colours Of Happiness That You Wanna See… Instead Of The Colour Blue That Ms Has You Laying On The Lounge Feeling Sorry For Yourself…”

That is why I put the effort into me and the colour pallet of happier hue’s that make me feel more like me minus my Ms struggles.

I am grateful to those who say that I don’t need to dress up on their account, or that I don’t need the makeup that I take the time to apply.. all so that I can make myself feel alive and living in a brighter sate of mind… I love those who say that they appreciate and love me more in my natural state… but I like my colour pallets and I love being the human colouring book that gives a shit about looking like the person that I see with myself.

“I don’t really care what other people see me as. I seriously don’t. I’ve always worried about what my opinion of myself is… Ms is aprart of me, but it doesnt define who I am… who I was a well dressed person who went to work everyday freshly showered, presentable and happy within myself and my many jobs that I have taken on throughout my days… My makeup doesn’t define me & it certainly doesn’t make me who I appear to be… it just helps colour my world when I am feeling blue.”

My advice to you my readers would be…
“Paint your life however you want it doesn’t have to be the way others paint it.
Your own attitude will always be your best paintbrush, giving you different shades when you need them the most.”
Quoted Reference Link Here


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #124 – “Memoir Writing”

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Guess What Dearest Readers, Writers, Subscribers & Anyone Else Reading My
“365 Day Somethings” Blog…?

I just popped into give you an update on what I have been up to today.

I hope that I don’t disappoint any of you, but today’s blog post will be a short 1.
memoir.jpgWhat do I mean when I say a short 1..? well a short 1 – no 1000 -3000 long-winded writes.

Why…?

As if I needed to add anything else to by self-imposed daily busy schedule I have signed up for a course titled “Kick Start Your Memoir – Writing Exercises” with Udemy “A Global Marketplace For Learning & Instruction.
Course Link & Details Here

I am working hard at chronicling my life’s story in my daily writtings so I figured that taking a course that would not only spur on my thoughts but I was hoping to find an ‘ah ha moment’ in how to put the story of my life together in some sort of chronicled write.

My course instructors name is Dale…
Dale is a writer, coach and author. Her aim is to teach you how to Kickstart Your Memoir by going through a set of wonderful writing exercises. (exercises, assessment tasks, assessments.. oooh how I look forward to these).

I am looking forward to starting and undertaking the 10 chapetrs of this Kickstart Memoir Writting Course, I look forward to taking under my wing and nurturing the memories that will flow from theworkbook that is supplies, the many exercises and of course the flood of writting that I expect to scrawl into my notebook. I know that this writing will also help till fill out my daily journaland other daily writing adventures.

Why a Memoir Writting Course.. Why A Memoir ??
The answer to these questions are simple for me to answer… I want to leave my Children & My Future Decendants a story & a timeline of how we as a Family began our days.. & how as individuals they grew to be the people that they are… whilst learning from me all about me and my life’s story.

Here is where I will begin my Memoir Writing – Yet Untitled & Ready To Be Written.

Who are you?
What is your story?
Why are you writing your memoir?
What is the most important thing you want to discover?
What are the life experiences that make you who you are?
If you were to view your life from an outsider’s point of view, what would you know about your life?

So Udemy & The The Early Days Of Writting Of My Memoir Here I Come…
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Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

 

Day # 123 – “Words I Stand By”

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This week in my many hours of reading, taking notes and drafting my daily & future blog posts I came across a meme that smacked hard into the very core of who and what I am.

This meme was only a few words long but for me it said everything that I stand for in just a few short words.
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The simpleness of theses written words “Who Am I To Judge Another… When I Walk Imperfectly” for me does not talk about judging other for the good and the bad that a person delivers, these words do not even convey the disapproval that I may have towards the choices and or the path that another person may take in and throughout the journey of their life…

“Who Am I To Judge Another… When I Walk Imperfectly” for me is worded sentence that shows my support of people who are going through times of struggle in their life… I choose to sit and listen in an open-minded capacity rather than with a mouthy and question riddled mind.

I have walked through the hospital corridors for many years seeking medical interventions and treatments for my Spina Bifida Child, who today is a happy-go-lucky young man who works long hours and snobs at anyone who feels that they have the right to label him and his inabilities. His Spina Bifida has been his journey but it will not impede on his life’s story… strong-willed or stubborn mmm get to know him and then make up your own mind about which one he is.

Through my own struggles I get asked how it is that I can be so positive and happy to help others out through the trials and tribulations that they find themselves in… the answer is simple… ! My struggles are everyday but if one person can have someone put some faith and hope into their struggles, than I with good consciousness am and will be the person to see a person through to the light at the end of their tunnel.

Why help another out when I myself find myself without someone standing for me and my needs, for my struggles and for the fight against my body and its primary progressive diagnosis? well this is the point of the words “Who Am I To Judge Another… When I Walk Imperfectly” just because I have primary progressive multiple sclerosis doesn’t change the person that I am… I have had many judgements placed on me and the ailments that my body now presents with… my position and personal standing in my life is to stand as an advocate for other people, the very people who do not have a voice that carry’s the determination to stand ones own ground… not because they don’t know how or unable to stand in their own knowingness or convictions… I advocate for others because I believe that it takes a village to fight of an enemy… numbers speak volumes & I know that it often takes multiple voices to spike the attention and the understanding of someone in the position to help out a person with a need or a cause.

Medically I have seen how doctors have passed judgements onto my Spina Bifida Son and his body’s inabilities… I stood tall and starred them down and told them I will never back down.. for he is my Son, my young man who deserve far more than a blanketed judgement that doesn’t fit him or his medical issues at all.

Personally I chose to lend people an open heart and a listening ear… I try not to counsel people, I just try to be there and show that someone does care.

“Who Am I To Judge Another… When I Walk Imperfectly”
I am not this person I say…
I walk with a funky walk and a presence that is hard to ignore.
My struggles are varied and difficult at times
But I with all good consciousness
Cannot see past a person who is carrying a heavy load
Afraid & feeling the emptiness of the burdened soul.

So ! “Who Am I To Judge Another… When I Walk Imperfectly”
Not I
Not Me
Not Today
& Certainly Not Tomorrow.
For I literally walk imperfectly with a funky gaited walk…
I don’t like being told that I am drunk
But I don’t mind when people ask me why it is that I walk the ay that I do…
I don’t the generalisations and or judgements that medical persons pass at me…
But I know that I can not sway the opinion
Of someone who thinks that they know more about me and my body
& the things that make me; me…

I know who it is that I am
& who I am is this…
I am a person who stands up for what she believes in
Judging no other, because in my life I too walk imperfectly.
Maybe not in my uncertainly,
But certainly symbolically in my funky gaited walk.

I believe that judgement of others cheapens who it is that we are….
Passing judgement is a statement that states our intolerance
Judgments and intolerance of others sends out unspoken messages
That warns people that the safety that we seek in  times of need,
Will not be found in this person.


I Choose To Not Judge People
Because There Is Always A Part Of Their Story That Lays Untold
& This Part Of Them I May Never Be privileged To Hear About.
I May Never Fully Unfold Their Life’s Map & Or Journey
The Only Thing That I Have To Offer
People Who Often Are Their Own Worst Judgment Callers
Is An Open & Supportive Ear.

Do not judge others
By the judgements of their past
Instead I embrace them
& their help them regain contentment
For them & their scorned & hurting heart.

Written By Tanya Kelly


A Lesson To Be Learned In The Art Of Judging Others Is

Before You Assume…. Learn The Facts.
Before You Judge…. Understand Why.
Before You Hurt Someone…. Feel.
Before You Speak….Think.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #122 -Task “Personal Affirmations”

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What a busy week of writing have I taken on this week…journaling, blogging, 750words daily writes, daily blogging and anything else I can fit into my days schedule.

So thanks to two of my writing buddies; We have taken on a small daily writing challenge permissiontoshine.jpg
that has us writing 10 daily affirmations or self talking to’s that we will write and own as we stand in our own mirrored reflection.. standing in our mirrored reflection give us the opportunity to hear and own our own words… reflecting our own conscious thoughts back at ourselves, giving ourselves a moment to what we want and need for ourselves.

Our Affirmation / Self-Empowerment writes will be undertaken over a 7 day period, I will post up my affirmation writes at the end of the week.

In this my second day of writing my daily 10 affirmations I do see that I do in fact have a need for this “reboot time” I need to be honest with myself and aspire to look deep within for the things that my body, heart, mind & soul needs. I am looking forward to the next few days of exploring myself and inner most needs, writing about myself and making agreements with myself to make the changes that I feel I do need to make.

I also look forward to hear what affirmations and self-empowerments that my writing buddies will be making for themselves and their lives.

Positive affirmations are important and when they are undertaken in a consistent and proper way, they can prevent you from thinking negatively and self-empowerment can also help to prevent you from sabotaging yourself and your life’s wants. Affirmation and or self-empowerment can help to reprogram your mind and help you to eliminate or stop your own self’s limiting beliefs & barriers.

Self-Empowerment helps us to see and acknowledge ourselves and our wants, by writing affirmations we reprogram ourselves and begin to live in our own here and now.

We are in this exercise empowering ourselves… The general meaning of Self-empowerment is taking control of our own life, setting goals, and making positive choices. Basically it means that we have to understand our strengths and weaknesses, and have belief in ourselves.
i am.jpg
It is very power for us as human to have a handle on our self-worth and our self beliefs… Action Words are written through out the writings of our own personal affirmations and or self-empowerment. Words and sayings like “I Am Strong, I Can Do This, I believe In Myself leads us to “I Am Doing This”…. us living in our truth, our true selves, our actualised selves… & in our here and now.


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The Song Lyrics F Bachelor Girl through the song “Permission To Shine” sums up what writing affirmations and working to self-empowerment can mean and do for a person in their reprogramming days.

Hey, what would you say
If I can’t play the hero tonight
‘Cause lately I’ve been feelin’ like
I can’t get anything right
I’ve been fading into the woodwork again
And I’m feelin’ like I just want to hide
But guess what
I’m gonna try something just a little bit different this time
I’m gonna give myself permission to shine
I’m gonna shine so bright
Gonna make every head want to turn
You’re finally gonna see me
Give myself permission to shine
Gonna light up the night
Shine a little of my light on the world
I’ve been crazy
I’ve been holdin’ myself back for so long
But I’ve got so much I can give
Don’t want to be afraid to be wrong
You know I’m not too good at too many things
But I’ve been gettin’ real good at gettin’ down on myself
But guess what
I’m gonna try to break free from this prison I”ve built
I’m gonna give myself permission to shine
I’m gonna shine so bright
Gonna make every head want to turn
You’re finally gonna see me
Give myself permission to shine
Gonna light up the night
Shine a little of my light on the world
Oh, that’s right
I’m gonna try something just a little bit different this time
I’m gonna give myself permission to shine
I’m gonna shine so bright
Gonna make every head want to turn
You’re finally gonna see me
Give myself permission to shine
Gonna light up the night
Shine a little of my light on the world
I want to light up the night
Shine a little of my light on the worldReference – View Here – “Permission To Shine” Video Clip
inside job.png
What Bachelor Girls Song relays to and for me is this…Tonight I am taking a break from being the everything to everyone;
It is time that I be that reliable someone to and for myself.

Lately;
I have been feeling the push and the pull
From a world that has me running around being the mother hen
to anyone who needs me in their moment of need.

Taking it’s toll, I have emptied myself;
Leaving myself spare and with no energy to spare.

Time is now that I have to give myself permission for a period of reboot,
A moment where I can and will fill my own cup with
What I am missing in my own life’s hectic path.

In order for me to continue in giving my helping hand
I need time to empower myself
Light up myself in my own world
To see myself in my own lit shadow.

I owe myself this permission
For I can be nothing to you if my own light doesn’t shine bright.
I will light up my way and my own life’s path
& someday soon return replenished stronger than ever.


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #118 – Elvis Presley – “In The Ghetto” (Part 2 – Renamed “Mt Druitt”)

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I am retagging today writing “Mt Druitt”, The Area, It’s Residence” The Real Story” Not Struggle Street & Not the Ghetto.

Read Part #1 of “Elvis Presley – “In The Ghetto” Here

To recap.. Elvis Presley’s Song “In the Ghetto was a song that was originally titled “The Vicious Circle” when it was written by Mac Davis in 1969.


The song “In the Ghetto” that was made famous by Elvis Presley has a special place in my heart.

As a young adult coming through my year I wondered for many year what I would be like as a parent, would I be a person that my children liked, would I be a parent who rules with an iron fist or would I play fare but have a strong hold on the guiding rope that I held within my grip? so many questioned loomed in my mind when I found myself growing a little person inside me… I like most parents had many questions and many more trepidations – there was so much about my future back then that brought the very meaning of trepidation to the very forefront of days every moment. The meaning of trepidation is a person who has a nervous or fearful feeling of uncertain agitation.. well back in 1997 with my arms full of my babysitting and childcare experience thought that I had Motherhood in the bag….

Well “Wakey-wakey!” Mumma bear…! this mumma stuff I would soon learn wasn’t all shits and giggles – it was long hours and many unconfessed moments of oh my this is truly learning on the job.


What some don’t know about me is this (and for those who do know me personally, you will know that my childhood postcode is not the who and or what of the very things that defined me as a person).. I know oh to well where I came from.. I know that my childhood home town is now known and immortalised on tv as “Struggle Street” (ps. I don’t think that struggle street could ever go down in history as a place that has gained everlasting fame dur to the t show “Struggle Street” – if anything I don’t think that “Struggle Street” has helped the image or preconceptions that others have of “Struggle Street – Community members in Mount Druitt, in Western Sydney, say they only agreed to take part in the SBS documentary because they believed it would be about the issues facing the area. Community. “).

Struggle Street – My Childhood Home – the half told story can be view here – Reference – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kopA7V1LmVI&list=PLUeQbxrqtbjH7e6_aN8rIgPT7IheeO4Jm


I that the story of “Struggle Street, My Childhood Home & The Town Of Mt Druitt is a Story Half Told because, what sbs’s betrayal of “Struggle Street & Mt Druitt” didn’t show was the hard working & tax paying citizens that have worked for many many years, some for all their lives – bringing up their families to be responsible and community minded citizens.

Call me biased, but I do have an insight to what it was like growing up in “The Druitt” as struggle street is better known as. I have seen the poverty and I have seen the drug related social and economic battles that these concerns have had on the community and its members… but I have also seen the people who have put blood sweat and tears into the property’s that they rent from the government “those run down housing estate and housing commissioned houses are not the profile or the existence of every person living in the “Druitt” area…. many of my childhood family’s and neighbours both still living in the area and long since moved have owned their own home and for those who rent the government based housing commissioned house they are not all run down squat holes like they have been shown to be by the SBS’s tv show titled “Struggle Street.”

There are indeed many family’s living on the poverty line in Mt Druitt and there are many of the towns citizens living off welfare checks and living hand to mouth… both with and without alcohol & drug dependencies.

I know that there is a lot of truth in the series production of “struggle street” but why oh why did the SBS have to only show one side of the already well publicised “Druitt” – “The Hole” – “The Wrong Side Of Town” – “The Houso Estate” – “The Drug Capital Of Sydney” – “The Drop Off Place For Low Income & Under Privileged Families With No Hopes For A Future, the doomed town with no likely hood of growth past being labelled the nicknames and the reputations that it is know because of. There are indeed many names that “struggle Street & The Town Of Mt Druitt are known by…. but what the people viewers of struggle street were denied in their viewing of struggle street was the hard working and life long members of the Mt Druitt community that come together to support each, to lend a hand when they are needed… the true Aussie spirit of Australia and the mateship that Australia is known for certainly lives in the people of “Struggle Street & Mt Druitt.”

Mt Druitt has many people striving to pull themselves off the poverty line and into jobs and education based training programs…. some of the citizens of the Druitt are Nurses, Counsellors, Forklift / Warehouse Operators, others are Doctors, Lawyers, Care Takers, Machine Operators, Childcare Teachers… I even know one of “Struggle Streets Ex-Community Members who busts her ass off each day and has done everyday to process the milk and other products that the snotty finger pointers need for their very existence…there is also a well know ww1 veteran who has received little recognition for his service over the years and has lived in homeless state in the Druitt are for many many years.

There is just as many people busting their asses off in the streets of “Struggle Street” as there are in any other part of the world. “Struggle Street” – “The Druitt” all of those names are labels given to a community of people or to the town itself by people who think that they know the streets of Mt Druitt… the tv told them and showed them all about “Struggle Street and it’s people… so that’s it “Struggle Street” the defamed and misrepresented town with a name that has many people cringing when they are told there is housing available for them in this area.

I myself left “Struggle Street” when it was still known as Mt Druitt & not as the defamed name “Struggle Street.”

The prejudice that I have received when I tell people of where I grew up is all giggles to them until I tell them that I am not ashamed of the hard work and the manicured gardens that my parents have put into their home… that I am not ashamed of the hours that they worked to put the food in our tummy’s and the shoes & clothing on our backs…. & I am certainly not ashamed to admit that I have seen both the good and bad parts of Mt Druitt and the people that live within its corridor’s. My bring up in the Druitt are doesn’t define who I am, but it certainly has made me value how it was that I was raised and it has a huge barring on how I treat people in my now adult years.

I moved out of “The Druitt” in 1994/1995 but I still have Family & Friends in the area… My Family home is still my Family’s home and we often meet as a group to shoot the breeze and enjoy gathering that go on for hours… My families homes are not squalors & the children with these homes are happy & busy being education both within the community and in schools surrounding the area.

I personally went to a selected High School and have attended private tuition and gamed secondary studies as a counsellor, my Mother is a Registered Nurse & My Father A fitter & Turner by Trade… I have an Uncle who owns his own Lawn Mowing business – he has been able to afford himself many homes both in the Druitt are and in surrounding areas over the years… I have another Uncle who has just socked up 40 years of service in the State Emergency Service, He himself worked for the City Of Blacktown and served his local community until his retirement, he to own his own home. I have friends who have put themselves through school and become teachers and social workers & have other friends who have pulled themselves off the poverty line and taken themselves back to school to prove that in diversity there is a way out of living day to day – hand to mouth.

“Struggle Street” community members are not represented very well in the SBS series “Struggle Street… the people are not spoken for, “Struggle Street” blanketed the whole town of Mt Druitt with a tared brush and made many of its residence either targets of its bad publicity or tagged citizens who are know for being good for nothing citizens that no one cares for. “Struggle Street” isn’t me or the people that I know and love and “Struggle Street” isn’t the people that are finding themselves through the truth of what has been shown to the world… “Struggle Street is a name, a hash tag… a description that isn’t at all accurate to the struggles that many people have had to face to be recognised for the hard work that they have endured.

“Struggle Street” is everywhere… It isn’t just Mt Druitt….!! & many people throughout the world are just one pay check away from getting first hand knowledge and experience of what a the tag of a socioeconomic, unemployed, government sucking homeless person would go through to survive each and every day.


Elvis Presley’s Song – “In The Ghetto”

As the snow flies On a cold and gray Chicago mornin’ A poor little baby child is born In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

And his mama cries ‘Cause if there’s one thing that she don’t need It’s another hungry mouth to feed In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

People, don’t you understand The child needs a helping hand Or he’ll grow to be an angry young man some day? Take a look at you and me Are we too blind to see Do we simply turn our heads, and look the other way?

Well, the world turns And a hungry little boy with a runny nose Plays in the street as the cold wind blows In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

And his hunger burns So he starts to roam the streets at night And he learns how to steal, and he learns how to fight In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

Then one night in desperation A young man breaks away He buys a gun, steals a car Tries to run, but he don’t get far And his mama cries

As a crowd gathers ’round an angry young man Face down on the street with a gun in his hand In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

And as her young man dies On a cold and gray Chicago mornin’ Another little baby child is born In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

And his mama cries (in the ghetto) (In the ghetto) (Aah-aah)


Oh the words of “In The Ghetto” sing to me….

All my life I have been aware of where I come from and I have heard the stories that have been whispered both through the media and from the mouths of those who feel that they have the hole story of a town that has been blanketed by the many for the socioeconomic, unemployment, government sucking homeless people and stories that have forever been told.

I remember the day that I moved out of Mt Druitt and was Tried and Convicted by the finger pointers that I chose to land in… who knew that I would be seen as a person from the wrong side of the tracks by my new community and as a person who sold out and game up by a handful of people in my old neighbourhood. Being told that you are a person of no worth or as a snot who is trying to be better that they actually are by both their old and new communities makes the struggle to become a person who has strived to work hard for all they have and are given well worth the energy & perseverance in being better than the tag lines that have fallen into my descriptive personal references.


I never cried so hard until the day that I found out that I was bringing my first child into this world… was my label of being brought up in Mt Druitt truly the thing that was going to define me and my abilities as a Mother?

My children are hard working and educate people who have had to work hard to earn everything that they have, if being brought up on “struggle Street” has taught me one thing it would be the value in hard work and pushing oneself to work hard and play hard for who they are and what it is that they want.

My children may never know what it is like to grow up on the streets and in the community arms of “Struggle Street” but I carry with me the lessons that I was taught in being respectful for what I have, being appreciative of what I am give… and work ever so bloody hard to get what I want and where it is that I want to go.

I live each day praying and hoping that my children will return to my fold after they leave the safety of their home for an education and a pay check that will take them from what I hope is my home – the home that I built with and for my fairly – in hopes of having a better tomorrow… As a parent the best that I can hope for us a better future for my children, hoping that they learn and gain enough knowledge to better themselves…. with enough self motivation to take themselves to a better tomorrow…

Maybe our now home will be someday known as tomorrows ghetto…. no matter what the future of any living arrangement or community housing area… I assure you “A Mumma Will Cry For Her Family, For Her Children, For A Better Tomorrow no matter where they find roots in their life’s geo-location.

I don’t live on the streets of “Struggle Street” and I am not that label that its members have been tagged with… “I have Climbed The Hill Of Mt Druiit & Struggle Street” and I am here to tell its story… “Struggle Street” isn’t who I once was and it certainly isn’t who it is that I am… but the ingredients that made me who I am wee forged in the community of struggle street & for that I say struggle street is and will forever be the place that I know as home.


The only thing bad about living in the “The Vicious Circle – The Ghetto” is the negative vibes and ignorance’s that other people so easily spew out.

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& Ummm let me state the obvious…
there is crime, poverty, low income family’s, drug & alcohol as well as substance abuse everywhere… Mt Druitt is just the name of a suburb located in Western Sydney…
No Town, place, country or suburbs is free from the ugliness of addiction.

I survived growing up in Mt Druitt…
I have an education, a Higher School Certificate (I went to a selected High School)… A Diploma In Counselling as well as various other awarded studied areas… I am a web designer, a writer and a blogger, a mom of 3 and I have been married for nearly 19 years… Mt Druitt & it’s residents are not all walking & talking drug and alcohol addicted people… There is a whole new side to “Mt Druitt & Struggle Street.”

Mt Druitt was a different place when I was growing up there… things have changed and so have the people…. but I do believe that a home is what you make of it and for myself and others I know… Mt Druitt was home and I am no way embarrassed to say that is where I grew up… My childhood home & some of my family still live in the area like I sad in my writing above… Many Mt Druitt peeps are proud people who work hard & play harder… they raise their families against the diversity that the name “Mt Druitt” has given them… someday I hope “Struggle Street” has the other side of its story told.


” In The Ghetto ” resinates with me
because Mt Druitt is know as the Ghetto Of Western Sydney, but it should be known for the hard working & educated people that have proved that home is where you are raised and it is the journey of our lives that makes us who we are… where we come from is only part of our story…. My advice is “Don’t believe everything that you hear about Mt Druitt… whilst some of it’s true… there is some gemstones in the roughage of Mt Druitt.

Elvis Presley’s Song “In The Ghetto” is every towns, every suburbs, every Mumma teary story… “Then one night in desperation A young man breaks away He buys a gun, steals a car Tries to run, but he don’t get far And his mama cries”… crime happens every where and there are many Mumma’s around the world loosing sleep and worrying about what it is that their children are getting themselves into. Children need a hand no matter who theyt are and no matter what walk of life they live and walk in.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #117 – Elvis Presley – “In The Ghetto”

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What A Songs Beat or Unwritten Lyrical Words Do & Say To Me… Is This

Part #1 – “Elvis Presley – “In The Ghetto”

intheghetto.jpg


Sometimes I see my life written in the lyrics of the songs that I play & hear, sometimes the lyrics of songs show a clear outline of the story that the lyrical verses are singing , speaking and saying in and throughout their words but there are time when the words are more hidden and more obscure than the words that I actually read and hear.

Sometimes its the tune that plays that spurs the heart strings into a flutter and at other times the written words are right for my moments mood; & then the are times when the lyrics that have been written find a need for me to rewrite them so that they fit my life’s story & my life’s events … re-written with my thoughts and feelings verbalised in my own worded prose.

Whilst these re-written lyrics take on a totally different direction, meaning or tone to elvisman.pngwhat the song writer authored them to be… for me the few moments of stolen and solitary time that I find myself lost in the tune where I am spurred on by the thoughts that bring forth moments in my past, moments in my here and now’s or even moments that even I have long since forgotten is the very thing, the connection that I look for when falling for the movement that a song brings to my hearing ears and tune loving heart.

I look for an emotional or memory spurred on moment, a connection with a song, it’s lyrics or its tune. These are the very things that I look for and want to hear in the made up parts of a song. When I do have and or find these connections with a song; I often hear what isn’t written… I see a vivid memory’s flashes through the strumming or drumming sounds that keep the tempo of the playing songs meaning. The words that I hear in the words of another’s lyrics flood me with emotion and beckon me to sit for awhile to play out my story in and throughout their lyrical words.

When this connection with a piece of music comes across me… I instantly become a record player playing over and over the tune in my head… sometimes its the actual lyrical words that the song writer actually wrote that I play & sing reading the lyrical words over and over… and at other times I am the dreamer, the writer taking the song on snd into another written worded journey all together.

Whether its the lyrical words that I change or the unspoken journey in the beat of the unknown energy is always an unknown factor until I actually sit to listen over and overlove-me-tender-elvis-presley-1956_u-l-q12pjim0.jpg again to what I hear in the tune and what I read in both written and unspoken meaning of each and every word.

There is also times when I find myself lost in the lyrical words of a song that have been re-recorded by another artist… the original not resonating with me… but some how the tune and beat of the same song gives me a connection or a feeling that I may or may not at the time understand what or why it means something to me when another artist sings its words and verses.

Sometimes the cover is the thing that helps bring me a different perspective and on other occasions I feel that what was written should be left alone to grow old – to grow it’s own meaning through the years of time… meaning that sometimes it upsets me that another artist works to put their spin on a song and takes away the meaning and the feelings of the song.

Sometimes what is beautiful about a song is neither the original take or version… and sometimes it is the interpretation of another artists way… sometimes it is what isn’t written in a songs written words or the tone that places a tune into my heart… what ever way a song finds a meaning or thoughts within in is a song and a moment dependant thing…  when the tune, the mood, the lyrics or the unwritten hidden thoughts and feelings come across me I know that my connection with a song has moved me in some kind unexplored way.


gordonhendricks.pngThe song “In The Ghetto – By Elvis Presley” is for me one of the many songs that have touched my heart, my mind and my thoughts over my life time.

But just recently I saw an Elvis Tribute Artist “Gordon Hendricks.”

(Gordon Hendricks is an award winning Elvis Presley tribute artist. Constantly on the move, Gordon is selling out theatres and sharing his talent throughout the world. Gordon continues to entertain people all over the World with his shows which keeps the memory of Elvis very much alive. He has received accolade after accolade for his performances and concerts – it’s as if Elvis himself is on that stage – maybe, just maybe he is.

http://www.gordon-hendricks.com  … singing his version – his interpretation of
Elvis Presley Famous Song “In The Ghetto.”

I so loved Gordon’s interpretation… after listening to him sing “In The Ghetto” I got to writing about what was brought through to me whilst listening to Gordon sing.


Background To Elvis’s Song ” In The Ghetto”

“In The Ghetto” was written by Mac Davis and was originally titled “The Vicious Circle”. In The Ghetto was made popular by Elvis Presley in 1969 when it was released as a 45 rpm single.

“In The Ghetto was Elvis Presley’s first Top 10 hit in the US in four years, peaking at number 3, and his first UK Top 10 hit in three years.

The song tells the story of a young boy who grows up in the ghetto, to a mother who really didn’t need another baby to care for, and in a world where nobody else seems to care either. As the boy gets older, he starts wandering the streets, learning how to steal and fight. And he’s hungry… he’s so hungry.

It often happens, petty crimes turn into more serious offenses. Before long, the young man has bought a gun, stolen a car, and been caught in the process – sadly, with fatal consequences and the cycle begins again… It may be another ghetto, in another neighborhood, but as it’s told in the story, somewhere out there – at this very moment – is another young mother giving birth to her child – a child that she won’t be able to care for, and that the world still isn’t going to want.

As her young man dies,
On a cold and grey Chicago mornin’, another little baby child is born
In the ghetto
And his mama cries.


This song is about poverty, describing a child who can’t overcome his surroundings and0743219732026.jpg turns to crime, which leads to his death. It was the first song Elvis recorded with a socially conscious message. He was reluctant to do it for that reason, but knew it would be a hit.

“Elvis was hesitant to do ‘In The Ghetto,'” Lacker told Goldmine magazine. “Colonel Parker had always drilled into his head, ‘Don’t do message songs. If you do message song it’s just like taking a political side. Whatever side you’re gonna take is gonna offend the others’. I was in the control room after Elvis and the musicians had been working on ‘In The Ghetto’ a little bit. He said, ‘Look, I don’t think I should do this song’. I said, ‘Elvis, if you’re ever gonna do a song like this, this is the one’. He looked over at Chips and Chips said, ‘This is a hit record. But I’ll tell you what, if you don’t want it, can I have the song?’ Elvis didn’t blink. He said, ‘No, I’m gonna do it.”


Here are the words to Elvis Presley’s Song “In The Ghetto”

As the snow flies
On a cold and gray Chicago mornin’
A poor little baby child is born
In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

And his mama cries
‘Cause if there’s one thing that she don’t need
It’s another hungry mouth to feed
In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

People, don’t you understand
The child needs a helping hand
Or he’ll grow to be an angry young man some day?
Take a look at you and me
Are we too blind to see Do we simply turn our heads, and look the other way?

Well, the world turns
And a hungry little boy with a runny nose
Plays in the street as the cold wind blows
In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

And his hunger burns
So he starts to roam the streets at night
And he learns how to steal, and he learns how to fight
In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

Then one night in desperation
A young man breaks away He buys a gun, steals a car
Tries to run, but he don’t get far
And his mama cries

As a crowd gathers ’round an angry young man
Face down on the street with a gun in his hand
In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

And as her young man dies
On a cold and gray Chicago mornin’
Another little baby child is born
In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

And his mama cries
(in the ghetto)
(In the ghetto)
(Aah-aah)


In the ghetto is about poverty, describing a child who can’t overcome his surroundings and turns to crime, which leads to his death. It was the first song Elvis recorded with a socially conscious message. He was reluctant to do it for that reason, but knew it would be a hit.

“Elvis was hesitant to do ‘In The Ghetto,'” Lacker told Goldmine magazine. “Colonel Parker had always drilled into his head, ‘Don’t do message songs. If you do message song it’s just like taking a political side. Whatever side you’re gonna take is gonna offend the others’. I was in the control room after Elvis and the musicians had been working on ‘In The Ghetto’ a little bit. He said, ‘Look, I don’t think I should do this song’. I said, ‘Elvis, if you’re ever gonna do a song like this, this is the one’. He looked over at Chips and Chips said, ‘This is a hit record. But I’ll tell you what, if you don’t want it, can I have the song?’ Elvis didn’t blink. He said, ‘No, I’m gonna do it.”
elvisstrip.png


In tomorrow’s post I will tell you how & why Elvis Presley’s Song
” In The Ghetto ” resinates with me.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

 

Day #116 – “Heavenly Silence No More”

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This is a poem that I wrote many years ago – it’s title “Heavenly Silence No More.”

I wrote Heavenly Silence No More after enduring a 7 day stint of  nursing a restless & sick baby who would only sleep when he was held.

Oh how the days and the nights seemed to blend… how my eyes begged with every cry the want for silence and a moment of solitude in a heart teary house. I remember sitting in the hallway  sitting in a mindless crouching slump awaiting the Mumma Calling tears from the door way that my feet dared not to leave.

I sat for hours tears strolling in wonderment for the wrongs that I could have possibly of made… wondering if there was ever going to be such thing as “silence” ever again…

Heavenly Silence No More

Heavenly Silence
Comes to me as I stand in the hall.

No Boo Hoo’s or hollering,
No slamming of the doors.

The flaw in the floor boards,
The silence amplifies their squeak.

There’s only the tiniest shimmer of light,
From the pane of glass in the door.
Enough to show direction;
To little to show it’s delight.

The darkness of the evening,
Comes crawling towards the dawn.
The moon goes behind a blanketed cover of cloud,
As the sun takes it’s solemn place.

Darkness and dimid light,
Will soon be replaced with;
Footsteps and the slamming of the door.

Heavenly Silence No More
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

You know what it is that  have learned since writing “Silence No More”… & sitting for those many sleepless hours in the door way of my child’s room, the very room that my feet dared not to leave?

Silence isn’t golden & the child crying out in pain, in hurt for his Mamma’s touch is the very thing that I today long for as I sit in that same door way longing and willing for the headlights of his car that tell me that my once crying child is now safely home.

Those darkened hours between curfew and the mornings light
Now longs and wishes for the silence to be broken by the footsteps
&
the slamming of the door.

Now I greet that dim morning light with a smile
& know that all those tears cried in solitude
Have shown me that the shimmer of light
Will forever be the light that guides my child home.


I learned man lessons & words of wisdom for those parents struggle to understand the very tired in their eyes, but think the poem below written by “Kahill Gibran” sums up my every thought.”

“Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.\

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the make upon the path of the infinite,
And He bends you with his might that his arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness.
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
So He also loves the bow that is stable.”

Reference


Other Quotes That Sum Up & Put Meaning To Today’s Blog Post Are:-

Wise parents prepare their children to get along without them. They provide opportunities for growth as children acquire the spiritual maturity to exercise their agency properly. And yes, this means children will sometimes make mistakes and learn from them.
– Elder Larry Y. Wilson
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.
– Joyce Maynard
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.
– Angela Schwindt
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did – that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that – a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.
Debra Ginsberg
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
” Simply Putting It… “

” We as parents shouldn’t wish away the baby years of our children.
The days may be long and the hours may leave us weary…
But that is where unconditional love & a parents patience grows from.

Our children are children for the shortest of years in time;
Let them show us their ways,
& Let us be patient in their growth
For what when all is said & done,
Is how much we miss their tendered years.

As our baby’s grow into people of the world
 It hits us in our silent hours;
 That its those many hours of unconditional love
That we wish would fall asleep in our arms again.”

By Tanya Kelly
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Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #115 – “Reach Out & Touch Somebody’s Hand”

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img_3588So this morning started off in the usual way… school run, catch up with fellow writing buddy’s touch base with a few close friends, answer my phone’s messages… check email (scrap the thought of reading them all, just filter through & move on)…

As I sifted through the social media newspaper I saw a post from an “Anonymous Poster” who was seeking a connection, a hand of friendship, someone to talk to… someone to hear what she or he had to say.

“Anonymous Poster” was struggling with a recent relationship break down & felt as though they were failing to keep the down trodden cycle of sadness from overwhelming them.

I didn’t go into my initial reply to “Anonymous Poster” as a counsellor… I went in as a concerned person who thought that due to the many responses that “Anonymous Poster” already had to his/her posted message would simply wade past my short and sweet response that simply said in reply to all his other messages offering support Happy to talk also“….

So I went on with my morning and decided to turn my attention to my mass of email messages that was certainly not on the top of my to do list, but never-the-less I knew that they had to be looked at… so why put it off I thought.

Glancing at my phone’s social media’s social networking notifications & messages I saw that there was a message from “Anonymous Poster”.. a simple message of “Hi” was written on my screen… we began to small talk and I ask how they were…  “Anonymous Poster” told me of his/her struggle (which I will not repeat here) and we began to talk openly back and forth.

I didn’t want to go into this conversation as a counsellor or even find myself in a img_3528-e1551191999401.jpgcounselling role… so I informed  “Anonymous Poster” that I was indeed a counsellor. I offered  “Anonymous Poster” other avenue of gaining support and even offered he/she a counsellor who I thought would be in a far better position to help… but the reply was “I’m 100% happy and comfortable with you. Which is kind of weird cause i have never been able to talk about this stuff comfortably before” and so we went on chatting on and off through out days work loads.


“Anonymous Poster” may have thought that they were the ones finding some clarity through the clouds of his/her struggles…

But what made todays stretched out hand moment a beautiful moment was the replies that I received late tonight in my social media’s inbox. What was written was this:-

“I read all of the comments and yours stood out I didn’t even know until after I had been talking to you for a while and actually looked at you’re profile that you were a counsellor or anything about you. Just that your comment stood out and something told me too reach out to you.

I really mean it something just told me to reach out to you and not in a whisper it screamed at me. I didn’t even want a counsellor just an ear and wow you have given me both and I hope the start of a lasting friendship.

We are what we are, our hearts lead us to our calling and our gifts, our job is to share them with the world this is, I believe the meaning of life.

I am glad that I reached out and found you.”

“Anonymous Poster”


Today I found that a simple moment taken out of my day – stretching out my hand to speak with someone who feels that they are failing themselves, his/her life & the people around them was such a rewarding experience when they in turn take a moment to say thank you for your time, that they are now finding his/her way and feeling better about what is scaring them in this his or her moment of time.

I took the chance today to help someone through a rock path in his/her life and day…. & what I saw was a hand of gratitude and a connection with an  “Anonymous Poster” who just needed a place to blow off steam…

 “Anonymous Poster” may have found it important to show his/her gratitude for the ear that I gave them today, but I also think that it is important to respond with my thanks to him/her for finding the strength to do what many people have trouble doing “asking for help, seeking help, and admitting that they are weighed down and struggling to unravel his/her jumble mess; whilst trying not to fall apart at the same time.


How can I finish up today’s blog post without dedicating a moment to
“Anonymous img_3571Poster”. Through the song “Reach Out & Touch Somebody’s Hand – By Diana Ross (1970)… I share with you the lyrics of her heart warming words… the words that sung to me this morning when I saw your message appear on my computer’s screen. I will not put a name to you

for “Anonymous Poster”  I know that you know who you are… please find sometime to listen to this dedication that I send to you… not anonymously instead straight to you.”

Click here to view “Diana Ross’s – Reach Out & Touch Somebody’s Hand” video clip and heart warming words.
img_3522Reach out and touch
Somebody’s hand
Make this world a better place
If you can
Reach out and touch
Somebody’s hand
Make this world a better place
If you can

Take a little time out of your busy day
To give encouragement
To someone who’s lost the way
(Just try)
Or would I be talking to a stone
If I asked you
To share a problem that’s not your own
We can change things if we start giving
Why don’t you
Reach out and touch
Somebody’s hand
Make this world a better place
If you canReach out and touch
Somebody’s hand
Make this world a better place
If you can
If you see an old friend on the street
And he’s down
Remember his shoes could fit your feet
(Just try)
Try a little kindness you’ll see
It’s something that comes very naturally
We can change things if we start giving
Why don’t you
Reach out and touch
Why don’t you (Why don’t you)
Reach out and touch somebody’s hand
Reach out and touch
Somebody’s hand
Make this world a better place
If you canReach out and touch
Somebody’s hand
Make this world a better place
If you can

Before you signed off from the beautiful message of gratitude that you sent to my social media’s inbox you sent me the following message:-

“thank you for the love and support that you (a complete stranger) has shown for someone in crisis. I only hope that i will be strong enough to do that for someone else one day”  to which I replied with “You will remember this and you will return the favour… maybe not today… but you will see yourself being someone else’s strength in their troubled day…”

“Anonymous Poster”

I have no doubt “Anonymous Poster” that you will come through your rough patch, you will find the strength to pick yourself up and carry on with the life that you will sew for yourself  & no matter what direction your life takes from this day forward, it will be the life that you had envisioned, it will be the life you would have built through the struggles and rubble of your yesterdays life.”


Your posted today the following pictured quote that a friend in support of you sent to you earlier today.

“It’s Your Time, This Is Your Story”

” Know that wherever you are in your life right now is both temporary, and exactly where you are supposed to be. You have arrived at this moment to learn what you must learn, so that you can become the person you need to be to create the life you truly want. Even when life is difficult and challenging – especially when life is difficult or challenging – the present is always an opportunity for us to learn, grow and become better than we have ever been before – Author Unknown”

“Wise words to live and learn from “Anonymous Poster” the best that anyone can ask of you and you of yourself is to simply get up each day and put your best foot forward… working each day to be a better person than you were yesterday.”


A final thought for you before I go.

“Forgiving someone for what they have done is not a sign of weakness, its a statement telling them they do not control your emotions and you will not stay stuck in your past – Written  By Steve Aitchison”


“All the best to you “Anonymous Poster”

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #114 – Part Of My Long Daily Write

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Today’s blog post has been spurred on by the movie “Still Alice” – is based on a novel of stillalice.png
the same name published in 2007. The novel was written by Lisa Genova, a neuroscientist who was inspired by her grandmother’s development of Alzheimer’s disease to write about the disease from a firsthand perspective. Still Alice is a compelling debut novel about a 50-year-old woman’s sudden descent into early onset Alzheimer’s disease, written by first-time author Lisa Genova, who holds a Ph. D in neuroscience from Harvard University.

Alice is a celebrated Harvard professor at the height of her career when she notices a forgetfulness creeping into her life. As confusion starts to cloud her thinking and her memory begins to fail her, she receives a devastating diagnosis: early onset Alzheimer’s disease. Fiercely independent, Alice struggles to maintain her lifestyle and live in the moment, even as her sense of self is being stripped away. In turns heartbreaking, inspiring and terrifying, Still Alice captures in remarkable detail what’s it’s like to literally lose your mind.

See The “Still Alice”  Movie Trailer Here

Reference – https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2153405.Still_Alice


Please be aware that this daily blog post is an abridgement of my daily written works.

The part of the movie “Still Alice” that got me to writing down my thoughts in yesterday and today daily writes is this:-

” I’m still alive. I know I’m alive. I have people I love dearly. I have things I want to do with my life. I rail against myself for not being able to remember things – but I still have moments in the day of pure happiness and joy. And please do not think that I am suffering. I am not suffering. I am struggling. Struggling to be part of things, to stay connected to whom I was once. So, ‘live in the moment’ I tell myself. It’s really all I can do, live in the moment. And not beat myself up too much… and not beat myself up too much for mastering the art of losing.”

These written words have become very dear to me, they mean the everything that my heart is screaming out to those people who are both curious and worried for me and my PPMS kick ass moments.

fightingms.jpgI want people to know that there are days where my PPMS Diagnosis & its alter ego “My Story” get together and kick my ass from one end of my days path to the very end of its last second of its days time. There are days when I am left feeling pushed beyond my limits, there are certainly days when I question who it is that I am and who it is that I will become, and of course I do grieve for the life that I had, the hours that I spent playing with my kids, the hours I worked hard to bring home a pay check that would buy my family new adventures and new foods to try, I will forever have the memory of jumping into my car – turning up the stereo and zipping down the road to a place that comforted my soul… but in the end I am not unhappy for all the things that my PPMS has altered, varied or taken away… I know that I can still do these things, I just now have to be aware of how go about things & how I use up my daily energy allotment.

Like Alice “I Am Still Alive” – I have a great family and some beautiful friends that except me and my attitude’s against all odds… I know who it is that I am & I know what I am able to do, I know that I have a varied skill set and I know that my PPMS diagnosis doesn’t define who it is that I am. I know that I have had to and will continue to have to alter my daily schedules and the how’s and the when’s that I will be able to do things… but I know that I also have a lot to live for and a lot to look forward to… Alice may have contemplated suicide – ending her life by taking a bottle of pills ““You are not living the life you want to live,” Alice writes in the note, which provides her with instructions on how to take a fatal dose of the pills she has hidden in a drawer. “You have chosen an outcome that is the most dignified, fair, and respectful to you and your family,” the note assures her” but have no want for my life and its journey to end…

I love my life and who it is that I am in it… even if that means that I must live the years that I have left with my shadows PPMS & “My Story” busily working in the forefront working hard to trip me up with its designated companion “Funky Walk” working along side in their team. I love with all that I am those people in my life that I treasure… my Family and Friends are my everything and my inner circle is the strength that keeps me pushing forward for the everything that we deserve in our lives.

I to have many things that I want to do with my life… for now my want is to write and write and write… I want to journal and blog about my life.. detailing my stories, my sorrows and my most intimate thoughts and feelings…. there is apart of me that wants to return to my studies of in the counselling field “finish my bachelors” but I am now torn between writing a Colum, Journalism, Writing For The Media, or Becoming A Full Time Blogger. Writing is where I find myself being the happiest me that I know how to be… I feel free and at peace with my life and my story when I am busily writing.

Right now my PPMS isn’t affecting my memory… I know oh to well that this may in my future become the case.. writing now will be my memory that I will gift to myself when and if my memory begins to fail me and my ability to write… just like Alice my phone, my notebooks, my scrawlings, my daily writes, my blog and my every written word are what keeps me going – they mean a great deal to me… writing is my muse, writing is who I am in all my rawness & and in all my truths.

The very moments in the day of pure happiness and joy are very much wrapped up in what I have written above… My Family, My Friends, My Writing… I am certainly not depressed or looking to place a tag of anger on what is my life… I am contented and I am finding the good days in my PPMS diagnosis that is now having to learn to live with and beside me.

The ending quote of what drives me to write about the movie “Still Alice” – And please do not think that I am suffering. I am not suffering. I am struggling. Struggling to be part of things, to stay connected to whom I was once. So, ‘live in the moment’ I tell myself. It’s really all I can do, live in the moment. And not beat myself up too much… and not beat myself up too much for mastering the art of losing.”

I am indeed not suffering… I am chronicling & recording my life in a factual and detailed way. Maybe this way is hard-headed and even confronting… but living my life as authentically as I can is important to me… I am driven by my moral standings to stay true to who it is that I am. Like I wrote above “I am not bullshitting to myself and I am certainly not bullshitting any other person who find a sense of curiosity in what has been happening to me and in my PPMS dilly dalling world… I stand for what I know is the truth in me and within my life’s story. I am struggling. Struggling to be part of things, and I do struggle to stay connected to people who have different ideas of who it is that I should be, or for that matter how I should be living in the wake of my PPMS… I work Hard to maintain my relationships that I love and hold dear with others… but someday’s I find that I have to give myself permission to say “Not Today & Maybe Not Tomorrow” – people have and will have to learn to see that someday’s I just need to get lost and be alone with myself and my thoughts.

As for not beating up on myself and or not taking the burdens of the words of others to heart.. well this part of my “need to do for me list” will take just a little longer to accomplish and or learn to do… don’t hold your breathe though… I am not one for being selfish and I do take to heart all that people say… I am after all an empath – (An empath is someone with the strong ability for this – to feel the thoughts, emotions, and energy of others and generally, people who are empaths are affected by these influences sometimes to the point of it becoming debilitating). I will never be that person that beats myself up for mastering the art of losing… I am not loosing… loosing “what am I loosing” I am gaining the person that I am, the person that has always lived in me… and if that isn’t enough of a self appointed conviction ” I have gained the Author in me that see my dark days and raise them into the light and share with them the beauty in my happy moments, the happiness in & for those who encircle me & I am most defiantly not loosing out on living… PPMS – “My Story” & I may not be friends or even close acquaintances but we are written into each others unpaved paths… we will have to learn to guide ourselves and our varying ways; through, around and over the terrains in our way.


Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis doesn’t define me, its try’s to trip me up from time to time… but it has given me the kick ass attitude that will not allow me to disappear behind the diagnosis that now part of my life.

illnevergiveup.jpgSigned
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #113 – “My Take On My PPMS & My Struggles That I Have With It”

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So today it hit me that I am in a fight for my life… “I am busy fighting to maintain that “who person  that I am” whilst maintaining my mind and its ability to learn and maintain
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information” I would struggle to lose the who and the what parts of the very person that I am… what would I do without my thoughts and my mind processing and working abilities?? I would hate to think… my god I think that I would be better off being lost to this world than I would be if I had to live in this world with a diminished reality of whom it is that I am.

I think that we all have the same thoughts that I have just had… & just like me it isn’t that these thoughts stick around to burden me everyday, they come and go just like night and day… I think that it is quite normal to start questioning ones self and ones own sanity when it is that they find themselves in the position where their health is not 100%…

For me personally… I don’t feel sick or ill, and I most definitely don’t feel lost or even depressed… I think that I am simply having one of those reflective days where I found myself wondering who and what I would become if my own mental minds capacity were to run away with the pixie’s and take up residence in a locked prism deep within me.

On many occasions when I do actually go for a doctors visit; he has an almost definitely spoiled story would ask me “if I was stressed out, finding things were getting me down, if I was having moments of self loathing or down trodden days or if I was simply taking on too much in and throughout my days”. I can’t help but tear down the generic look on his face and laugh at what I see as a silly lot of questions… I mean I know that he has a job to do and that part of his job is to gauge the welfare of his patients… but truly doc…. I do always tell him “that I don’t come to the doctor because I am feeling like a hundred bucks… that no one in most instances would go to see the doctor because they were feeling great…. I laugh and say I rarely come as it is….” he does his best to not me see his generically motioned facial expressions and always finds an oompa loompa dance to mimic my funky walk… some day he may walk like me… but kudos for his trying lol.

I try hard to lighten how it is that I am feeling by saying to him in my just as generic voice… “who wouldn’t be feeling the “race manoeuvres” of day-to-day life?

So what’s going on with me that prompted today daily write..?

As of late my daily pain tolerance levels and headachy moments have been happening on a very regular basis, have just come off a 14 day stint of constant pain and migrained day and nights.. I am telling you that I am not feeling anything else but a deflation in my energy reserves and my general persona and attitudes to say the least have me feeling pretty low… there have been far to many of these migrained and energy sucking days to count & far to many in a row to see anything positive from having these beat down days happen.

I am not bullshitting to myself and I am certainly not bullshitting any other person who 52856398_1262809810523825_7982153112813043712_n.jpg
find a sense of curiosity in what has been happening to me and in my PPMS dilly dalling world… some days I find that people leave me alone, that they would rather be distant because they have little understanding of what is happening and don’t want to pry or look ignorant in their questioning… but then there are days when I am over ridden by people questions, moments where they become curious to what is actually happening… or may be they become active questioners of mine because they can feel my distance or reluctance to hold a one-sided conversation where it seems that I am holding a question and answer time or a mini lecture on my PPMS symptoms and my life’s daily journey. I do what any of these people would do or say, how would they hold their facial expressions and eye contact, if these people in these moments of un-thought-out question time would actually feel burned and scorned by the harshness of my answers to their questions that want me to spend time in answering.

How would these people feel if I was to give an 100% pointed answer to their questions… no made up fluff chucked in order to lessen the burdened blows of their answered questions… but I never or rarely do answer with a 100% connected and true answer… I always ask questions like ” how much do you truly want to know..? are you ready for the answers to the questions that you seek..? do you have time to listen to what it is that I am saying ?.. are you actually going to hear me without interruption, without prejudice and without judgement?… It never shocks me anymore to see the squirming discomfort on the faces of people of people who are nodding yes and are saying “of course I have time… & of course I will listen.. I am hearing you they say as they shuffle in their seats.

I try so hard not be intolerant of the expressions and the squirming of those around me “conversation closed” I often say as I choose to lessen their discomfort and kindly move on to a conversation that doesn’t bring on awkward moments of silence… moving on to conversations that usually revolve around their intended visit and or no real substance conversations.

I do often find myself wondering where it is that fit in to those people around me and when the conversations of those around me find my audience… sometimes I cant help but wonder when things became so awkward… has it always been this way ? or is it my PPMS that has brought out the awkward moments and silences that often come and are associated with my time with others ? I do feel that some people just have nothing to say and feel guilty for not having anything to say, an excuse that they use to hide their discomfort or uneasiness in finding my PPMS a confronting and in your face moment of seeing that my PPMS has in some way changed the person that I have always been, the remarkable thing that has metamorphosed me into anything other than the person that I am.. the me rather than the PPMS version of me that they now see.

I do feel that 9 out of 10 times (maybe a light inflation of how any times I actually think and
feel these times happen)… never-the-less; I often feel disconnected or misrepresented or
even unheard in conversations where people find themselves in a time & space where there are no words truly spoken to me & when there is no room within a conversation for 50818512_558460904669329_9114011225921945600_n.jpg
listening… I have given up trying to express how it is that I think and feel in moments when these disconnections actually arise… my eye rolling moments still exist at times… I am not completely expressionless when I am shut down, shut out of even disconnected from a conversation… I have somehow learned to keep silent in my “here we go again” moments.

Back in 2014, the very year that my PPMS actually started to show its untimely moments of funkiness to the world and to those I knew… I was very aware that there was indeed something wrong, I did have an awareness that things were not right.. I cant describe the feelings and thoughts that I was having.. I just remember saying to myself that I dint recognise myself in my thoughts or in my funky walk. I put on a persona that had me looking and acting normal (if normal was who I once was … I do often wonder what sticky description am I & do I play in my today’s journey) but as per usual I was able to push through my down … allowing me to see the sunshine in my dawning tomorrow’s.

Not everything was or is as it seems… there was a many a years where I was able to push through the tough days & the varying levels of exhaustion, I don’t like to think of this time as me being ignorant or even as days where I was able to bluff my way through the days of the onset of my concerns… then there was imposed questions asked of me that made me questions whether others were actually seeing what I was already aware of… I remember thinking “oh my gosh… I’m not going crazy – I am not imagining things… there is something wrong with me & I am not the only one who can see it…. but there were long periods of time & many days in between bouts of not feeling quite right within myself… I was able to find some sense of reconnection and normality with my bodies happenings when it became apparent that what was happening wasn’t all in my imagination.
I do often wonder how other were able to pass over what I and them were seeing… how were they able to ignore what was going on? why did they say very little? all the questions leading from are you not feeling ok, never went any further into what was actually happening to me… I did have many moments where I thought I was going insane…. I couldn’t grasp how I could be the only one who truly cared about or could see that what was going on with me.. it was obvious to me that something was wrong… I knew that others were questioning me… but they just put it down to being generally unwell… or like every other ignorant excuse that had to just have a reason for what was going on there always seemed to be a weight reason or a need for me to live a life where I was a little less stressed or even a little less busy and preoccupied by my studies or my many hobby’s. I did wonder if anyone could truly see me and or that my outward self was changing.

“I often thought that I was going crazy, thoughts overwhelmed me as I thought that I was making myself sick or giving myself the torment’s that my body was enduring & of course moments like this were met with worded speeches like if you are unwell go see the doctor, take a pill & have a nap – you will feel better tomorrow… I have spent many hours feeling and hearing my own questioning self asking me if I starting to become loony.. well maybe in hindsight I was… maybe I did have a hand in making myself feel this way.. after all how was I to know that what laid deep within me was the reason for the years that even I didn’t understand what was going on within myself, my body & my mind… all I could hear my questioning self and the how much of a toll things were taking on me and my burdened heart.writtingbook2.gifThere was a small part of me that talked above my questioning self, this part of me knew that I wasn’t going crazy.. some how this part of me kept me from cracking under the weight of my own self’s pressure…. my body too knew to well that there was something not right… it was my mind, my thoughts and my very deep thinking’s that had to play catch up with what was going on.

I can hear myself tapping away, thinking loudly in my head and talking myself through this very daily post… “even I am asking myself am I depressed, am I sleep deprived”… mmm those generic questions again… see even I ask them to myself… there is a small part of me that questions myself and the workings and going on’s of my body…. crazy bloody talk I say because the evidence is right in front of me… my body is its own evidence.. the pain, the funky shuffled walk, my hair falling out, the constant and life altering fatigue… all evidence of what is happening… & here I am questioning myself and the happening of my PPMS diagnosis… the energy that it takes to appear normal and undefeated by my PPMS is so bloody exhausting… it is no wonder that I was given into the burden of feeling me holding onto “the normal me” and let go in my own awareness… I am still bluffing my own normality from time to time… and I find that this normally that I fake is person dependant …. for some people see the rawness of my PPMS and others see the “I’m Doen Ok Me”…. sometimes in the midst of the watching eyes of other people’s questioning it is easy to ignore my PPMS and fake a controlled walk.. for I have found that people can be very hurtful in their questioning (unbeknown to them) they ask question like will exercise or weight loss help… ? did you get MS from being on your computer all the time ? why don’t you rest or take a pill… ? and then there is the classic and most heard “oh I am so glad that it is you that has Ms and not me… I had the flu last week… that was bad enough.”

I want it to be said here that I am not depressed and I am certainly not going crazy, a pill wont fix me and I am certainly not faking what is happening with me … PPMS and I are now life partners… amusement parks in the ways that we walk… my PPMS story is my journey and his name is “My Story” – I do get very frustrated with the happenings of my body… & and do indeed see some days and the events of the bad days as an endless list of chores and I have to get it done’s… the stop starts to my daily journey at times has to take a back door to my fatigue levels – the very thing that see’s me need to take time out of my day for a nap… ” a lazy moment no!!! ” – without these down time moments I feel, and I know to well that I would be even worse than I am on a bad day… a possible scenario would be that I would find myself collapsed and in the hospital if I was to ignore these down moments.

I have become aware… oh so very ware of how frustrated I have become with my PPMS, my fatigue levels, my funky walk and the many other symptoms that I and my highly decorated PPMS body & mind … they ar my daily reminders… the reminders that now happen each imagesO3YH4W05.jpg
and every day without even so much as a day’s break… there is no such thing as a PPMS, fatigue & funky walk free day… PPMS has taken many years to rear its existence in my
body… it is here to stay… embrace it or suffer the consequences of day long pain and suffering are my daily choices… I so many years ago used to love to find myself lost in my hustle and bustle of busy work, studying and hobby riddled life… PPMS now reminds me of the breaks that I should give to myself… whilst my work load and hobby lists have changed some.. I am still the me that I was yesterday… I have the same interests and the same wants… I just now have a frustrating life altering shadowing walking through life with me.

 


Here is my long thought-out thoughts for the day… my daily write… my take on my PPMS and my struggles that I Have with it… but it also shows how I embrace it and except that “My Story & PPMS” is now how I roll but that it hasn’t changed that me that yesterday. This is my personal story, my journey… this is the no bullshit side of me.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 103 – “Ms Laugables”

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Since my diagnosis of ” My Story – Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis” – way back in 2014… (“My Story” is the name that I have given to my PPMS companion) I have had to make friends with “My Story”… I even thank him kindly when he makes me crash head first into the walls of my hallway… I don’t particularly find it funny when he trips me up on my
7576335a846b8cc89f65011fa62172c6.jpgmany times folded socks (I have small feet and my socks have a mind of their own, together “My Story” and my socks work hard at pissing me off), but I give them a mouthful.. throwing my sox into the washing basket screaming you deserve far worse treatment but maybe a spin in the washing machine will teach you who is boss..

“I have had PPMS for far more years than I have actually had a diagnosis… I just told myself for nearly 20 years that I would be share_Maxine_65_20150302_0650_088306.png
ok after a good nights sleep… that tomorrow would be a better day… “My Story” decided that he wanted to come out & then he decided that he was here to stay”

It sounds ridiculous… but getting mad only feeds the pain and symptoms… of “My Story” and my PPMS… I have found that humour humiliates both my symptoms and my ass-kicking socks and momentarily I feel a release of it’s at times overwhelming pain threshold that it can at times have over me.

I Have Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, It Can & Will Kick Me In The Ass When It So Has The Need & Or Want To… But Humour Keeps It’s Hold On Me From Knocking Me To The Floor.

I have on many occasions been told that I am way to positive about my PPMS diagnosis “Like Really – Was That A Sentence, A Statement Or A Judgement ?” I have told many people over the years since my diagnosis that there is truly no point in seeing the bad side of my images9GRSBMNI.jpgPPMS & its day-to-day struggle… I get up everyday knowing that at this moment in time that there is no cure for Ms, that there is only trials, treatments and day to day struggles…

Crying down & screaming “why me ?” isn’t for me, Ms on some days may have a tight grip on my pain threshold, but I believe that humour and giving it an identity like I have (I call my PPMS “My Story – Ms For Short” keeps the strong hold and the amount of medications that I have to take down to the minimum.

I do have bad days and there are days when my fatigue and pain levels are through the room, there are days when I find new bruises on my body and marvel at the 280-interior.jpg
colours that they come out in & there are days when my furnishings and my wall structures & door try to make friends with me…. I do have bad days… I do have days when I find myself in bed but it’s my mind, body & souls choice to get up everyday and see each day as a chance to see a new dawns breaking & the end of the days sun’s setting.

I want those who question what Ms is truly like, is it a chronic illness that gives its diagnosee’s symptoms that can be used for sympathy or empathy from others… ? to those people I say “I hope that you never are on the position where the Ms Karma but has its sight aimed and driving directly for you… Ms is not an illness that can be faked – it is a truly painful chronic condition with far more symptoms than this blog post covers.

Ms is a chronic, often disabling disease that attacks the central nervous system (the brain notgoingdown.pngand the spinal cord). … The progress, severity, and specific symptoms of MS in any one person cannot be predicted.

No two people with Ms suffer the same way, the symptoms and levels of disability vary from person to person. Multiple sclerosis is not contagious, but it is progressive and unpredictable. … A person with MS can will and does learn to live with their day-to-day symptoms and their level of disability…

I want people to know that people with Multiple Sclerosis are real people with real feelings & they can most defiantly hear you when they hear people say “are they faking ?, are they for real ? Ms warriors are approachable people, they may surprise you in their knowledge and life’s lessons that they have learnt for their years of living with Ms and it many varying symptoms.
images5PEWCZ79I will put it to you way ….
Stop Starring, Stop Questioning & sit down and learn something from someone who lives each day with Ms in their life… Ms isn’t curable and it certainly isn’t contagious… & Ms warrior are people with real lives, they work, they have families, they are mothers, fathers, daughters & sons – Ms warriors are built tough because they know what it is like to fight for the strengths that they carry in their stories.

” I refuse to use MS as a crutch or an excuse for the bad days that may block my day-to-day paths, I put on a brave face each & everyday… wearing strength & inner perseverance like a super hero cape even when the days have me feeling like I have no energy to power on.”

” I May Have Ms, But Ms Doesn’t Have Me !! “

Written By
Tanya Kelly


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Get Back Up Again by Anna Kendrick

Hey!
I’m not giving up today
There’s nothing getting in my way
And if you knock knock me over
I will get back up again, oh
If something goes a little wrong
Well you can go ahead and bring it on
‘Cause if you knock knock me over, I will get back up again

Whoa oh oh oh oh, get back up again, whoa oh oh oh oh oh (I’m okay)
Whoa oh oh oh oh
And if you knock knock me over, you knock knock me over
I will get back up again

I’m marching along I got confidence
I’m cooler than a pack of peppermints
And I haven’t been this excited since
I can’t remember when!
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Please Watch This Beautiful Video Clip By Anna Kendrick – Titled ” Get Back Up Again ” & Listen To It’s Energising Words & Know That This Is How I Truly Feel When I Am In The Cross Hairs Of “My Story  & My Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis Bad Days.I draw strength and the courage that takes up much of my energy because I have a want and a will to live… I know what’s important to me & I know that my Family & Friends give me the air in my lungs to see the bad to through to their rises and falls.

Being strong isn’t always an easy feat… but I do the best that I can in my every day’s journey’s.

https://youtu.be/Yf5o-d0qg1g
_____________________________
Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 100 – “Kaleidoscope Of Me”

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light inPictured Quotes Author – Sara Bareilles
Original Quote – Ernest Hemingway
Reference – The Minds Journal
www.facebook.com/themindsjournal
www.themindsjournal.com


The idea behind a kaleidoscope is that
It’s a structure that’s filled with
Broken bits and pieces, and somehow if
You can look through them, you still see
Something beautiful
& something recognisable by you.

The kaleidoscope symbolizes the release of blocked creativity and it gives you the opportunity to see yourself in the bigger scope of life, and connect to the meaning of it. The various colours and forms in a kaleidoscope can symbolize your escape in time of difficulty and self-doubt. A kaleidoscope constantly generates changing symmetrical patterns from small pieces of coloured glass, and therefore a kaleidoscope symbolizes anything that changes constantly.

Reference – https://www.auntyflo.com/dream-dictionary/kaleidoscope

Many of us are broken; in fact all of us are broken in one way or the other. And it’s okay to show. Every blow teaches us how to defend ourselves, every pain teaches us how to bear it, fight it and leave it behind, every failure shows us a new way to succeed. It is in these dark hours that we can see even the tiniest bit of light clearly. In a closed dark room, all it takes is a crack for the light to sneak in and fill it, helping us see.

Reference – http://piclry.com/meaning-broken-thats-light-gets


I have since seen the written pictured quote sat down to re-write these words in a verse that mirrors Sara Bareilles – The Minds Journal, written pictured quote.

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Just like a kaleidoscope
I too am made up of the broken pieces
Of my life’s journey & past.
I am the vessel that all my broken parts exist in;
Some are beautiful
& some are dark
But I am the very vessel to which they live.
I am their protector
& they are my stories.In all of their beauty and in all of their sadness’s
They bounce and reflect
From places within…
Heart offering reflection
& the soul placing trust
Together they mirror and beam what is to my mind.

Beautifully clustered colours of triangled thoughts
Offer mirrored reflectiveness to all that hold within.
& whilst my triangle thoughts may seem to be nothing other than clustered shapes
There is always a reason for why they are there
Positioned and angled to reflect light to where it needs to go.
Those broken pieces may unrecognisable to some
 But they are all images of stories once lived or told
Living now as broken pieces of what yesterday once was.

With a twist or turn
My kaleidoscope’s broken pieces are moved from this place to the next
Those broken pieces come together pirouetting into stitched up & mended spaces

Where new stories will someday will reside.

What comes of yesterdays mirage images
Is that they are tightly packed into a never ending slideshow;
Never to be forgotten
But instead a play of images to learn & grow from.

Unrecognisable by self
Yesterdays images in time rewrite
There are some however they stay and linger awhile
They serve the purpose of keeping ones mind, soul & heart in check
Shaping its new self’s design, pattern and giving shape to the one’s life.

Our kaleidoscope life’s story
Broken pieces of our whimsical selves;

Once unnoticeable & uncharacterised by our heart break
Always learns to twist & turn itself back into a definable shape
& becomes perfectly framed in natures mirrored toy.

That was once understood to be broken and unviable becomes perfectly framed in natures mirrored toy.


colours-of-me.png
There is a lesson in my words

when I write about the kaleidoscope of life
That are stated  and worded without rhyme
And that is that the broken pieces
That lives within each of us
Can serve as a source of light
And a deserving lesson that teaches us
That even broken pieces
Make beautiful masterpieces out of all the pieces
That we’re at some point broken
But with time and resolve; they too can become whole again.
In the end my life’s internal kaleidoscope colours
are the colours that make me; me.


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly

365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 99 “Bullying Is Never Ok”

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” When You Judge Me; You Don’t Define Me, You Define Yourself” – meaning that you show your lack of acceptance of others, and your uncloak your lack self worth in tour actions.”

I have written this blog post as a reference to why bullying is not ok… but I am also hoping that this blog post titled “Bullying Is Not & Is Never Ok” will inspire those who are being bullied to talk up & out about what is happening to them – giving bullying a voice images57EQQPH8and a plan for action with hope with deter the bully’s from their not so funny hurtful ways.


I have always been a very strong minded & strong willed kind of a person… but I am not immune to the gossip and talking’s of others … the internal war that that the spoken words of others have done their damage in and throughout my past… Like I said not even I was immune to bullying…

I was always teased for being a nerd “this in fact was who I was at school – preferring to43530288-stock-vector-two-colorful-overlapping-faces-on-a-white-background.jpg knuckle down and get my studies, my homework & my assessments done. My life outside my school life was a busy one, having many day trips with friends, going to the club disco’s and dancing all nite, many get togethers, bbq’s and birthday party were always a hit… swimming and travelling to the beach.. I wont mention driving unlicensed or for that matter to fast… cb radioing over the weekend to friends near and far… yep I was a normal teenager with normal interests and hobby’s…. but I liked to do school work and I loved to sit and read, preferring reading over drinking and blowing my brain cells out at a drug fuelled party. I preferred to have my school life and friends to be separate to that of my weekend/home friends… I liked that I had my sanctuary of friendly faces in my down times and downtrodden moments.

nerdy.jpgI also had a semi nerdy look for a while – I wore glasses for many years… until a volleyball smacked me full on in the face – smashing my glasses and my security blanket… “a volleyball attacking me gave me the strength and courage to allow me to take my glasses and put them in the garden bed of my homes front garden.

I became free… & I found that fewer people found it necessary to tease me… but that wasn’t the end to the bullying… I changed school’s and some silly girls decided that they didn’t like me… “their reasons were stupid and plentiful.” Anyway one sport day one set my highly hair sprayed hair a light with a cigarette lighter… “I wouldn’t smoke so they smoked my hair instead.”
bully88765.pngThere were so many of these moments that I stood out to a bully… I have had my bag emptied, my earring ripped out of my ear, money and processions taken & at one time I was even escorted home by my bully’s crew… then there was the time when I was set upon by an ex-friend who decided that she needed to give my 2 day old appendectomy wound a “does that hurt touch test.”

See not even I was immune to bully’s

How Did I Get A Bully To Leave Me Alone ? ?

Well I did try to walk away, and I did try to stay out of their crosshairs… but enough was imagesOM3A37LT.jpgenough and I decided after seeing one of my bully’s alone in a laneway that I would ask her “why on that day was she leaving me alone?” – I followed her asking her over and over the same question – I must have become annoying because she turned around and trying to smack me a good one… I did say try… funny how her crew kept me from stepping back on our usual hit slap sessions… grabbing her hand I made her smack herself and asked her “how she was feeling.. & did she want another?”.. of course she said “I don’t want to fight you… leave me alone…” the more she asked the more she just accidently hit herself… funny enough that was one bully down…

images2JNCJ5NCI believe that you should always walk away from a fight or a bully attack… but I believe that I had taken enough.. 8 months of day to day bullying … she had to be stopped.

Walk away If you can… & stand your ground if you must… try to never be alone… and if you find yourself in your bully’s crosshair – stand and defend yourself !


Whilst I may be able to defend myself.. my bully squad never saw that I could… I knew what I could do to them if I was pushed to far and figured that they would soon tire of picking at and on me. I am a person who can and will defend herself if pushed hard enough, I prefer to walk away and leave a bully  to stand in hi/her/their own shadow. I never wanted to be a bully or a retaliator of a bully… Bully’s I feel bully because they are jealous of you or something that you have i.e. friends or good school grades… bully’s have their own hang ups and many bully’s bully so they don’t feel like they themselves are a target or reason for what ever is going on in their own lives.

imagesE2HP1ZDYAre you surprised to hear that I have been known to be a very out spoken person in defence of others who do not have the voice that I have… people who know me know that I don’t stand for the tournaments of bullies… I myself was bullied as a teenager for reasons varying from my inner quietness to having to much knowledge to people being threatened by my way of doing things… truth be told it will never matter what or who you are to others their will always be someone in your days daily walk who is going to stand and question your ways as a person.

What bullying is in a nutshell isn’t as easily defined.. bullying is no longer “sticks and stones may break my bones” moments… bullying can include all sorts of behaviours.. ranging from verbally abusing someone, teasing, gossiping, spreading rumours, physical assaults, cyberbullying, threats, teasing, passing judgements on or at others, prank calling, victimisation… the list can and does go on. Bullying is everywhere, and its is rare that you hear someone say that they never been bullied.imagesBHO7NR4A.jpg

“Bully’s Are Bully’s Or They Become Bully’s For Often No Apparent Reason.”
But you can bet your lunch money on “Social Popularity” being on the top of the list of reason’s for why bully’s bully.


No one is immune to bullying & no one is immune to the judgements of others… the sad reality is.. that bullying isn’t just a school thing.. bullying is often found in peer groups and in the workplaces… in social setting… even in family groups.

Bullying isn’t relatable to the school yard only, it can, will and does happen everywhere and in every walk of life. Just like when a child is bullied at school an adult can also find themselves the target of bullying in the workplace or within the circle of their friendships. “Bullying is a “Hasbro Game” – anyone and everyone can play.

As strong as I am I too am not immune! to the hurt that others have and do cause me; I imagesUL7MS0K2.jpgam guilty of allowing others the way of burrowing under my skin, I am guilty of allowing the spoken words of into my mind, heart and soul – allowing them the access and ways to alter who it is that I am…. & the worst part of me not being immune to these moments is that when I get my backup and stand for my right to be who it is that I am… & when I stand and become defensive of these judgments and judgemental moments I open myself to more scrutiny and the barrage of people’s questionings… sadly I have often been seen as the instigator, or the game player or even the bully’s bully.

I myself have had to learn to choose what battles are worthy of my time in standing and fighting and what battles I have had to walk away from… I personally would rather stand my ground and be unmoved by these moments of trespassing times that others choose to use against me and I would far rather stand and fight for what I believe in and what I feel is my rights… but there have been times when I admit that standing strong, tall & unmoved has only served to fuel the intensity of these unsettling times… so what do we do ? I hear you ask… sit and draw up a pro’s and con’s list is my best advice… give yourself both an in and out strategy… and do not put yourself into the corner of having to defend yourself….

I am guilty of reacting to the brutality of a bully… and I am proud to say that I prefer to walk away over retaliating  to them.. and I am even guilty of standing up for myself.. allowing no one to walk over me.. I have fired back and made the bully his own enemy.

ambeing1I am also guilty of staying strong and sticking to myself in these testing times and allowing myself to seem as though I am unaffected by the words and actions of others… often taking myself out of social settings to save face or to make the environment a less bitter and hurtful place. Easier said and not so easily done in the true practice of things I know… these testing days are a game that has us walking a fine line between allowing others to cast no judgements against us – standing up for oneself & ignore what we hear and feel and just let the actions of others be like water of a ducks back.

So yep ! … standing up for yourself and or choosing to let the harshness of others rush over you is often a no win, loose situation. Sometimes you just have to ride the wave and other times you have to be boxing bag that swings back in the bully’s direction.ambeing2.png


There is much that I could say about bullying, and with great certainty would be able to tell you more that I have told you here in this blog post… I personally through the years that I myself have had others walk in judgment of me and my ways… I have been able to outwit and outsmart many of the people who have criticised or judged me in the past… but being capable and able to outwit and outsmart others has also made me a target for bullying and perceptions of my inner strength…

bullying77887.png“My advice to you would be for you to stay true to yourself – without diversion and without fear of who you know you are… I know that sticks and stones do in fact break bones & I know oh to well that the words of others last a life time in ones soul.

“There is no other way to say it than this… “you will never please everyone.. there will always be someone ready to tare you down… & there will always be someone who you will be smarter or not as knowledgeable then… you will always find that there is s person who doesn’t like you or the way you dress. “But there will always be that something about you that sticks in the nerve endings of a bully or a judgmental person… & there will be many hours of tears and down trodden moments when you sit and hate on yourself for the reasons that others pass onto you… as hard as it is to say.. bullying doesn’t always go on forever in a day…

I personally over the years have grown a thick hide & I have grown an even bigger
” what ever attitude ” that has had made others question if I truly have a care for others…talktosum1.png & of course the answer is yes ! yes I do very much care and I have a great big giving heart that want nothing more than for me to be accepted for who I am… ( I don’t want others to accept me or love me bout of obligation)… love me or hate me… be my friend or just stay out of my face !

When push comes to shove the best thing that we can do for ourselves & for these trying/testing times is to build ourselves some coping skills and learn to be our own best friend… easier said then done .. yes indeed this is true… but what I have learned is that running away solves nothing.. standing my ground can often create more trouble than its worth… “I have a fight and flight strategy that I deploy when I need to… choosing what battles I can win over those that are futile… just because I prefer to stand up for myself & stand in my own defensible shadow… I have also had to images4TJUPUWBlearn that being the strong person that I am often makes me stand out and often makes me a target to the testing times of others… in the words of country singer Kenny Rogers ” You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run.”

I always try to teach those who I sit in therapy with to define if the reasons why that people do and say or even act out what actions and words that they do is because they themselves are struggling with inadequate moments or judgements in their own lives… sometimes a bully is a bully because he or she is also a victim of bullying and is acting out their frustrations or judgements on others to help them to define their own self worth… sometimes a bully is a bully because they just don’t give a shit who they hurt !


There are always going to moments when a bully keeps coming at you.. there will be times when no matter how many times you choose to walk away from a bully; there will always be another day or another moment where they will stand again in your face.

What Can I Do To Help Myself ??

– talk to an adult; a teacher, a parent or a trusted person, report incidents to someone in howrobotscan.jpgauthority (I hear that this can often make things worse).. find yourself that go to person… someone will hear you.

– keep a journal & write things down as they occur… keeping a journal will help as writing things down helps to keep your stories truthful and precise… writing helps you remember things and not your perception of how things went down.
(Write about what happened.. why and by whom ?)

imagesULS7CBG0– Avoidance. Take a different route home… (steer yourself out of a bullies path… self- preservation isn’t a sign of weakness its a sign that you just want to be left alone… hopefully they will get the message and get bored and find something else to occupy their time).

– Be Brave. Acting brave can sometimes stop a bully. (Stand up for yourself, but don’t add fuel to the fire… “please leave me alone” or “I wont be hurt by you” or “I will not fight with you” may be a strategy.

– Don’t Fight Back. Resist the urge to fight. (Always choose the high road and walk away from a fight when you can… resist the need to go to arms for as long as you can).images31ZPC61E.jpg

– Find a Friend. Stick with a friend. (Bullying hates audiences, bullies prefer to take people on when the victim has no one else is around them… bully’s often have their own groupies and very rarely choose to victimise another alone – safety in numbers).


images3HDUPTB2Bullying will never be an exact science… bullying doesn’t come with a clear definition of what it is or how or why it occurs… education on what bullying is and how it affects others is key… reminding people of the consequences of what bullying can create is often a big lesson and an even bigger learning factor that that help to detour people away from bullying.

– how we handle ourselves in the moments that we are being bullied… standing strong, don’t mouth off or verbally make the situation worse.

– how a bullies themselves act, we don’t always know why bullies bully… they themselves may have underlying issues that force them to ac out on others… they may just as well be choosing to bully so they can become popular within their peer groups.. we may never know the true reason for being bullied .

images8ZTXLVF5.jpg– bystanders themselves have a choice here also.. choosing to stand in and pull the victim of bullying out can put you in danger also .. but choosing to stand as a witness makes you no better than the bully themselves… bullies hate audiences and stronger groups of people…

– telling someone of authority… it’s agreeable that sometimes teachers and parents don’t want to become involved … sometimes early preventive measures can be the key to lessening bullying but people of authority need to learn that bullying has real consequences and that sweeping incidents under the carpet can often fuel a bullies fire as they become aware that there are no consequences for their actions.


Bullying is never ok. It’s hurtful and can impact someone for a long time. Remember, you’re not alone.bully8892.png

If you find yourself being bullied go into a workplace and ask for help, call the police and seek advice, talk to your family and friends, talk to our teachers of boss.. what ever you choose to do… Don’t become the one thing that you hate “The Bully” don’t become someone else’s reason for the tears that they shed. Be the friend that you would like to have for yourself…

A great resource that talks about bullying can be found here – (this resource is an animated video for students (9-13 years) which helps you learn what bullying is and what to do if you are bullied. Teachers can visit Resources/Lesson plans for supporting materials for the classroom.
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Download Video (right click “Save as…”) MP4 format
Download Transcript (right click “Save as…”) TXT format
Link  To This Video – https://bullyingnoway.gov.au/resources/videos/pages/videoplayer.aspx?VideoID=183
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Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 98 -“Your Name Becomes Indissoluble When It’s Written”

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We Are The

Creators Of Magic,
The Lovers Of Dawn
& The Keepers Of Light,
If Our Ink Falls Upon You,
You Shall Live Forever.

Today’s Pictured Quote’s Latin Translation:
“Verba Volant, Scripta Manent”

“spoken words fly away, written words remain – “spoken words might easily be forgotten but written documents can always be relied on for conclusive proof of the written words existence.”

Here is a word-for-word analysis of  the Latin translation of todays pictured quote
“Verba Volant, Scripta Manent.”

Verba
1.verbum Noun = word

Volant
1.volare Verb = fly

Scripta
1.scriptum Noun = something written, written communication, literary work
2.scribere Verb = write
3.scriptare Verb = write, compose

Manent
1.manere Verb = stay
2.manare Verb = flow, pour, be shed, be wet, spring
– – – – – – – – – –
Reference – https://www.latin-is-simple.com/en/vocabulary/phrase/2023

Another Translation Of “Verba Volant, Scripta Manent”
“spoken words fly away, written words remain – “spoken words might easily be forgotten but written documents can always be relied on for conclusive proof of the written words existence.”


“We are indeed the creators of written magic when we put pen to paper… the magic of the written worth can bring memories that are both happy (memory provoking) and sad (reluctant flash backs to time better forgotten).

When we talk & write about being lovers of dawn, we are talking and writing about the romantic nostalgia that sweeps over us when we find ourselves captured in moments that we find hard to forget and long for again in our awakeness.”


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I Absolutely adore this explanation, meaning, & or reasoning’s behind today’s pictured quote:

“We Are The Creators Of Magic,
The Lovers Of Dawn & The Keepers Of Light,
If Our Ink Falls Upon You,
You Shall Live Forever”

Latin Translation-

“Verba Volant, Scripta Manent.”

Verba Volant, Scripta Manent (“spoken words fly away, written words remain” ) is the words or rather the motto of a writer who truly loves every piece he pens down.

Verba Volant, Scripta Manent (words fly away, writings remain) is so much more than a simple motto, it means that when you want to make sure your words stay alive, you have to write them down. If you wants your pain to be felt, beyond what your presence can do, you should write them down. Words have always been the key to the world, but lies have become second nature for more. So for them Verba Volant, Scripta Manent (words fly away, writings remain), also means that their lies can be seen as the truth, as people tend to take printed words as honesty.

Words fly away, writings remain), means that you should understand that words do flyinkpen.png away, and some are meant to be in the sky, and not in your mind.

We are indeed the creators of written magic when we put pen to paper… the magic of the written worth can bring memories that are both happy (memory provoking) and sad (reluctant flash backs to time better forgotten).

Reference – http://www.vinovenitas.com/2014/11/22/verba-volant-scripta-manent


When we talk & write about being lovers of the dawn, we are talking and writing about the romantic nostalgia that sweeps over us when we find ourselves captured in moments that we find hard to forget and long for again in our awakenings. We yearn for the sentimental return of past days & or memories that serve to evoke feelings that once blanketed us with cherish loves or painful tears.

The Keepers of the dawn is symbolic to what we see and feel as we awaken to every days memorable moments, unforgettable thoughts, and of course the people, places and times that we know & love – the very things that give us inspiration for every written word that we write, sing, hear & feel.

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“I do  truly believe that when we are mentioned or scribed in a written peace of heart felt words that these words enter the universe with an indissoluble life span (indissoluble – impossible to take apart or bring to an end, or existing for a very long time). I think a written word is a lot like the death of a loved one, just because they have left our world as we know it doesn’t mean that they are no longer.”

“My personal belief on death is that a person isn’t truly dead or gone from our world until the last person whispers their name.”

So when the ink, led or painted stroke is spilled out on a page; you will forever remain within the written words scribed upon a page will remain indissoluble through years & time.

“Words bound for an indissoluble time
Cursed & spoken;
One word at a time.
Scripted in order to be remembered,
With no end or defined time.

Written By Tanya Kelly


The Power Of Words
By Omkar Atale

Words can make one happy,
Words can bend one’s mind;
Words can make one grumpy,
words can make one kind.

Words can illuminate a man,
Words can make one weep;
Words can hurt so much,
That a man cannot even sleep.

Words can hide the truth,
Words can strike the heart;
Words can provoke the youth,
To make a revolution start.

Words can give one freedom,
Words can push one to heights;
Only words have such powers,
To separate wrongs from rights.

Words are more than missiles,
That can make one just die;
but words, if hit, cause much damage,
That makes one forget to try.

Words before being spoken,
Are under our total control;
But after we speak the words,
We fall under their control!

Reference – http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/the-power-of-words-17


Bless The Written;
Blame The Pen
Love & Kisses
— Amen —


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Here Are A Few Of My Favourite Quotes That Inspire My Writing & My Written Thoughts:

“If there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet,
then you must write it.”
– Toni Morrison –
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“One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.”
– Jack Kerouac, The Dharma Bums –
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“Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.”
– Benjamin Franklin –
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“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.”
– Anaïs Nin –
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“A book is made from a tree. It is an assemblage of flat, flexible parts (still called “leaves”) imprinted with dark pigmented squiggles. One glance at it and you hear the voice of another person, perhaps someone dead for thousands of years. Across the millennia, the author is speaking, clearly and silently, inside your head, directly to you. Writing is perhaps the greatest of human inventions, binding together people, citizens of distant epochs, who never knew one another. Books break the shackles of time–proof that humans can work magic.”
– Carl Sagan –
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“Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depth of your heart; confess to yourself you would have to die if you were forbidden to write.”
– Rainer Maria Rilke –
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“Writers live twice.”
– Natalie Goldberg –


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 97 “Growing My Crone”

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growingmychrone.jpgToday’s blog submission’s title & reasoning’s came to me whilst I was in a conversation with two of my fellow online writing friends. We were busily chatting back & fourth about this and that when a question provoking a thought was offered up… “What word or descriptive name have you been named by, by others?”

Maggie was talking about how her friends related her to a “crone” – Maggie had at first thought (& so did Lauren & I) that a crone was a thing that resembled an out of this world oddly looking alien… we were very amused with each other & our thoughts on what a crone is or was… we then stopped giggling long enough to admit that we thought that a crone was something ugly and out of this world.

What Is The Meaning Of Crone?

The dictionary definition of the word of chrone is “an ugly old woman, hag or witch” – For a long time, to be called a crone was an insult. The very word implied a wrinkled, hunchbacked old woman, unwanted and unloved. Women who had reached an advanced age were dismissed as useless hags. Into today’s modern age and era being called a crone is a term of endearment.

A Crone is a woman concerned with life needs and necessities… i.e.. housing, healthcare, relationships with others. A Crone is a retired woman, a soon-to-be retired woman or one who still works, an empty nester who desires good health, a great life, and independence. A Crone is a woman who chooses to adapts to and embraces the process of aging; yet remaining in the feelings of feeling younger. A Crone is a woman who is comfortable with her spiritual self, her intuition, and her creative power.

A Crone may be a woman of any colour, race, religion, sexual orientation, economic status, educational level, lifestyle, or political persuasion. She may be disabled or abled, introvert or extrovert, single, married, widowed, or partnered. She is like you and me. What does set the Crone apart, however, is her willingness to tell the truth about her life.

Being called  a crone todays is a respectful word that means a woman has through her years has gained much wisdom from all that she has seen learned and had bestowed upon her. Today, the most common definition of a Crone is a “wise old woman.” Thus, a Crone is a woman who has moved past mid-life and who acknowledges her survivorship, embraces her age, learns from the examined experience of her life, and, most likely, appreciates the wrinkles on her face. Crone women refuse to be put down. They do not walk meekly on the road to old age. They are keen to assert their presence if not their influence.

A Crone is an older woman who has learned to walk in her own truth, in her own way, having gained her strength by acknowledging the power, wisdom compassion, transformation, healing laughter, and bawdiness that grows and burns within her… having a life that is made up of the totality of her experiences. She is “a wise old woman.

The word Crone is derived from the old word for crown, suggesting the wisdom that emanates from the head like a halo. Her own child baring days are past; she is the wisdom keeper, seer and healer and midwife, whose knowledge is sought out to guide others during life’s hardships and transitions. (Reference – https://www.goddess-guide.com/crone.html).

images1WL5SIV3.jpgThe concept of crone existed tens of thousands of years ago, when women’s life patterns were broken up into in three stages — Maiden, Mother, and Crone. The Maiden was the youthful, independent woman. The Mother was a woman who guided others, as a biological mother or as a teacher. The Crone was the postmenopausal woman who enjoyed a special, revered status. This elder woman was viewed as a fount of wisdom, law, healing skills, and moral leadership; her presence and leadership were treasured at every significant tribal ceremony and each personal occasion from birth to death. (Reference – https://www.cronescounsel.org/who-is-crone. Note:  in recent years some women’s groups have added “matriarch” as the third stage before Crone.  The Matriarch was the head of a family or tribe.

Crones, hags, and witches frequently were leaders, midwives and healers in their communities. The meanings of these three words, however, were distorted and eventually reversed during the 300 years of the Inquisition when the male-dominated church wanted to eliminate women holding positions of power. Women identified as witches, who were often older women, i.e. crones and hags, were tortured and burned, and the words witch, crone, and hag took on the negative connotations. (Reference – https://www.cronescounsel.org/the-ancient-crone).


I have indeed heard the word or the term “crone” prior to Maggie telling myself and Lauren today that her friends are known for relating her to and identifying her as a crone… but I do openly admit that my understanding of the word “crone” was still in the dark ages of when wise women and the word crone itself was directly linked to witch craft. There is something about me that has me in between stages of all the three stages of my own life’s patterns… I am busy writing each chapter of my life in a learning and wise manner; whilst living in awareness that I am planting the responsibilities and learning of each of my 3 stages of my crone’s life cycle into those who walk my well trodden path “learning from each chapter/stage & writing my life/learnings wisely.”
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I am on one hand a Maiden –  A youthful soul at heart who can still related and hold my own in my younger peer groups, I was very much a fiercely independent woman so many years ago but I have learned that marriage and family relationship had a need for me to become independent in helping my family grow but not be independent in the sense of going through my life alone as a single person…

Another part of me processes the Motherly part of me who is still raising my children and 609f9c77bdc3f898654322ff10edc375.jpg
choosing to liv my life within and for the good of my family.. I guide my family with love and support towards their life’s path.. with arms full of skills and teachings… that will help them in developing their own life’s meanings and pathways.

Then there is a small part of me that is starting to grown into my crone role… I am still a fledgling or a crone in training… I am not postmenopausal but there is a big part of me that
has experienced much throughout my 42 years of life. The roads that have led me through turbulent and cross winded paths have led me to becoming far wiser at times then my years have carried me.

As a counsellor I have learned the skills of giving advice and sitting in a silent stance whilst listening and guiding others to their own self actualised beings. I may not be old in terms of age, but my experiences and knowledge have given me skills of  wisdom, law, healing skills, and moral leadership; her presence and leadership… so whether I am a crone before my images0067IT03.jpg
time or I am a fledgling or a crone in training, my skills are indeed already instilled in me and I am ready for the years that will follow me on from my Motherly stages of my life cycle… I do call this stage that I am in “the fledgling stage” because I feel that I have tendencies and characteristics of all my 3 life cycle stages… I am not ready to stop being the youthful maiden who has the ability to fit in with the younger youth & I am certainly not through my Mothering years either… whilst my children may need me less and less as the years go by… I know that a Mother’s duty has no end… I am not a full fledge crone as I do not as yet have all the characteristics of a fully encircled crone… For me as long as I am here I might as well be content in playing a role in of my life’s 3 cycles… or unfortunately I would cease to be any of the 3 stages of my life cycle altogether.

I am not yet an older woman of age but my continued presence in my world and in the world of others has my many skills and learnings showing in and throughout my years of learning and growing in my life’s role where I gained the skills and abilities that wisdom, laws/morals, healing abilities and leadership can bring. My life is busy passing through my days and years… slowly growing my stars and stripes that will eventually turn my comforting and softly covered downy feathers into the unmoveable foundations of my youth & my life’s experiences.333crone.jpg

I still a nestling maiden who has fledglings neatly tucked into my downy feathers, they not being yet fully grown but they are more than capable of taking flights of trust on their own.. I am in hurry for their soft down to turn into the years where they take on their own life’s roles, they will be someday soon be ready to spread their wings…. but today is just not that day; just as I wont ever be ready to become my croning self… but time and stage of my life will come without any awareness that it has arrived.

I do however look forward to the years where I am held in esteem for the skills , the abilities the wisdom, the laws/morals, the healing abilities, the knowledge, the teachings and the leadership that I have had a hand in instilling into others… Someday soon I know I will no longer be known for being wise beyond my years.


Thank you Maggie – author of – https://fromcavewalls.wordpress.com & Lauren – author of – https://lssattitudeofgratitude.wordpress.com for our thought provoking conversations that have led me to write todays daily blog post titled “Growing My Crone.”

I appreciate you both immensely for the lessons and the knowledge of your years that you both share and pass onto me, you are both very worthy of the dedication that I have written here… “Croning Sista Scripta’s.”


” —- Ps. In a sense and if you follow me into my thoughts we 3 (Maggie, Lauren & I) make 333crone2.jpg
up the “Triple Goddess or 3 Stages Of Life” – they being The maiden, The Mother, & The
Crone…. each of all have a role I am the Maiden for I am still parenting and nesting… Lauren is the Mother – she has the teacher role and has much wisdom and teachings to share, she isn’t at this very moment ready to hang up her teachers hat… but retirement is the cross road that she  will soon be standing in the centre of & Maggie is the crone – A because her friends have told her that she takes on the wisdom role, they go to her and seek direction and advice… she also has entered retirement & is building a life for her in her own right —-“

Written By
Author. Tanya Kelly
& Croning Sista Scipta – Stages 1, 2 & 3
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 96 – “4 Months Of Blogging & Counting”

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I began creating these gifted awards for my fellow online writing group members. There was a group of who took on a 365 Day Blogging Challenge both with & alongside our mentor Maitri Libellule. Initially discussed with us as a group about how it would be great for us to all to have our own blog, working alongside each other in our own blogging/writing challenges; each with our own idea’s about what it is that we are would be sharing with each other, our reading subscribers our community… all whilst supporting each other in our journey along the way.

Well initially the first few days of my own 365 day blogging challenge was spent simply finding my way, getting each daily post written & posted. I worked hard at presenting content that would entice my readers and my fellow bloggers to my daily writes. I came into the challenge of writing everyday with nothing more than my heart on my sleeve and a hope that I would do nothing more but appease my own love of writing but what I found was a comradery and a group of people who spend their days and nights writing their own daily posts and then turned their hands to supporting the rest of our writing group… inspiring & supporting the worded journey of all our fellow writers.

Over a very short period of time we became a tight-knit community of woman; each of us writers in & on our own journey but together we became the driving force that spurred and inspired us all on in our journeys. We are a very diverse group of woman from all corners of the world, we share the love of writing and enjoy very much the company of each other and our written words.

As the first month went by we all settled in and began to find our stride… we each took on a degree of mentoring each other, answering questions and pushing the development of each of our daily writes towards the greatest of potentials that we all had in our own individual writes.

By creating these monthly encouragement awards I feel that I was playing my part in encouraging us all to stick with our 365 Day Blogging Challenge.

My relationships with many of my fellow daily bloggers was more than a comradery and far more than a group of people who banded together in the undertaking of a writing journey… they had in fact become my daily highlight, and they became a big part of my daily routine.

Many of my fellow writers offer up much of themselves in their thinking in and through their daily writes, I truly wasn’t expecting to grow the relationships that I have grown throughout my journey… I knew that we as a group of women writers had something special but I didn’t expect the comradery and the support systems that we all took the time to grow to develop as much as they had.

Gifting my fellow 365 Day Blogging Challengers a monthly merit of encouragement was for me just a small token of gratitude for all the support that not only was continually being bestowed on me but it was also for the encouragement and the sister hood  of “sista scripta’s” that grouped as often as they could to hold each other up in their daily mind grinds.

What began as a writing group that sat weekly in the company of each of us, gathering to write and listen to the words that we  offered to share had indeed developed into personal relationships built on the mutual love of our written words.

Many of us gather on a regular basis to touch base and continue on with supported our conversations that offer solutions and feedback to our writing and written thoughts… many of us are still journeying towards and to the end of the end days of our 365 Day Blogging Challenge. What was just over 100 days ago the beginning of a writing/blogging challenge is now the journey of scripted words and a comradery that will continue to develop into personal development through the sisterhood of our encouraging pens & typed words.

We are not just a writing group that has come together from the many corners of the world, we are the strength of every single word that we write and offer up to share in both our private conversations and in the words that we offer up in our daily blogging writes.

I may speak for myself but I feel that there will be a number of us that will remain friends and support systems to each other long after our 355 Day Blogging Challenge is ended. Many of us will continue to write and share what at the beginning of our weekly writing group brought forth many hidden away thoughts and feelings.

The monthly encouragement awards that I have drawn up for each of the past 4 months I will continue to draw up and present to my fellow writers until month 12 of our 365 Day Blogging Challenge, encouraging and supporting each of my fellow writers to the end.

Today’s daily blog post is a dedication & a thank you to each of the 365 Day Blogging Challengers who continue to support and offer up genuine friendships & comradeship in the challenge of finding our stride & voices in our journeys and our written words.

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Day # 87 – Brink Of Madness

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There are somedays when I think that today’s pictured quote that reads “My thoughts may be on the brink of madness, but they all sound perfectly normal to me – By Christine .L. Starkweather – Reference – CLS Poetry – https://m.facebook.com/clspoetry

I have now doubt that we all as single human entities feel we are being seen as out there or as different from others that those people who stand in our shadows in judgment. 

I feel that I am drawn to the above pictured quote by”- By Christine .L. Starkweather – Reference – CLS Poetry” because “I have been told that writing is a lost art, a waste of time… that writing is a word filled talent that shows people can string words together; that writing becomes a talent too it’s author when she or he has no other talent to draw on.”

I have written since I was a child & whilst I have a few things published in published books, most of my writings are help in my own personal collection. I haven’t put a great deal of thought into being anything other that the self disciplined writer that I am… maybe someday I will think about putting pages to my unwritten book.

Harsh reality is than no one gives a shit if you can write or can string a sentence of words together… it is only when a writer becomes famous that he or she is rewarded with earnest critiques that explain why one writes are good or bad.


“Better To Write For Yourself & Have No Public, Than To Write For The Public & Have No Self.”


Personally “I Write Because I Like To Have Writing & Thinking Moments With My Mind My Soul & My Inner Child. – Tanya Kelly.”

People have from time to time been very critical of my daily writing routines, these people annoy me with their dislikes and ignorance’s of  what I love to do… these people who choose to be critical show  that they have a great deal of time to spend in judgement  and ignorance whilst having little dedication to of their own chosen loves or arts.

Write it you have the urge to
Write for you and no one else
Write till you are all worded out.
Listen to no other than the pen in your hand
& whatever you do

“Stick To What You Love… For someday you will find yourself
In the writings of your written words.”

Tanya Kelly


“I write to say the things
I need to hear.
To be my own advice,
When I don’t have
Anyone near.
I write to tell myself that
I’ll make it someday.
To prove to myself,
That all will be ok.”

– Author Unknown –


“I write to say the things
I need to hear.
To be my own advice,
When I don’t have
Anyone near.
I write to tell myself that
I’ll make it someday.
To prove to myself,
That this will all be ok.”

By Brianna Vigil


Written By
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com.

Day # 86 – Thank You Ernest Hemingway

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ernisthemingway

Today I pay homage to Earnest Hemingway – His written quote – “Write Hard & Clear About What Hurts. Don’t Avoid It. It Has All The Energy. Don’t Worry, No One Ever Died Of It. You Might Cry Or Laugh, But Not Die.” – Earnest Hemingway gave me an inner strength and a self-disciplined writer that I am very proud of.

January 8th 2018 was the day that I started my journey of returning back to writing every day… I have put my commitment to my writing to the forefront of my daily to-do list. So on January 9th I did start my journey of getting back to my writing…& on January 11th was I told myself that writing every day would be the best therapy that I could offer myself… writing would help me in the long run to unburden my heart, mind & soul… I knew that my commitment to my writing was there but it was always the mind’s fear of offloading my thoughts, feelings and souls hidden words that held me back from revisiting and re-committing back to my love of writing.

The quote – “Write Hard & Clear About What Hurts. Don’t Avoid It. It Has All The Energy. Don’t Worry, No One Ever Died Of It. You Might Cry Or Laugh, But Not Die.” – By Ernest Hemingway’s” was a quote that I stumbled across early in the return to my writing…  I didn’t have the conviction in my writings to pay homage to Ernest Hemingway’s words. Starting to write was always going to be my biggest barrier  but I knew that I had to start somewhere and Ernest Hemingway gave me the platform to door that has opened my soul to the inner depths of the words that I have for the longest time longed to write. Ernest Hemingway has become a big part of my daily writings and the journey has certainly changed who it is that I am… not only as a person but also as a writer.

How I hear you ask..? I thanks to Mr. Hemingway and my leap of faith of picking up my ehemmingway2.jpgpen again have become a calmer and a happier person inside & outside of myself. I have also noticed that my frustration levels have been able to take on an attitude change … I can see how much the burdens of my thoughts and feelings have been redirected and changed … they have been given permission to have their say.. to say from the heart what I have always dared not to say & at some unknown point my deep thinking’s and my writings became the changed and an awakening to all I held in deep. I have worked hard & dug deep at writing exactly what my heart had yearned to say..  I worked hard in trying to write with transparency as well as authentically as I could.

 

At times my daily writings left me feeling empty, emotional and very heavy-hearted… the reasons behind me feeling this way I believe that I knew that my writing my thinking’s & thoughts down and owning the burdens  would and could hurt others… the moral person in me made me feel that I was doing the wrong thing because other were bound to get hurt if my thinking’s & thoughts once again had the wrong eyes gazing on what had spilled out and on to the page… showing others another side to my version of the truth that they had previously not seen… altering their opinions and their beliefs.

I had for the longest time shied away from the journey of trampling through the dense jungles of my heart, mind and soul… I never did think about how it would feel to unburden myself from the in-depth stories that I had never before told. It never occurred to me how I in the aftermath would feel… I did indeed carry my inner pain and burdens around in a tightly packed suitcase and have worn it like a suit of armour… and as a security blanket that served to protect my inner self and me.

Ernest Hemingway gave me the self-discipline to “Write Hard & Clear About What Hurts. Don’t Avoid It. It Has All The Energy. Don’t Worry, No One Ever Died Of It. You Might Cry Or Laugh, But Not Die.” at first I wrote within the safety of a password protected forum… & out of the blue I yearned to have my journal & my daily writings join me in my journey. I always knew that getting back to writing and trusting my every thought to the nib of my pen was always going to the struggle that had me questioning what it was that I was doing… 

As months past I became more and more at ease with every pen stroke that I made… my empty pages and cursor adorned computer screen soon started to fill up its white spaces with written and unscripted thoughts…

Just this month of January I have celebrated my year anniversary of returning back to my love of writing. I have grown as a writer, and so has what I write about, I have added to my daily writing ritual many other writing tasks… I spend many hours of the day even in thought with a roughly written drafted page… & I am openly sharing many of my unforetold stories of my past.

I may never truly write myself into a healing place… there may forever be a lingering something that lets the light shine through the cracks that are now scars of yesterday’s past… but what was yesterdays burdens are todays lessons of inner self-love… & my lord what a learning experience and a year-long journey to becoming openly and self-aware has  it been.

I pulled my inner lost thoughts and feelings from deep within my soul… giving them a voice and tone and when the days were long and tough & I had little left on my tank… worded and pictured quotes saw me to a guided thought.. one borrowed thought and one word at a time became many.

 

I made a promise to myself not to give up… each and every day I pulled on my big girl panties and allowed my tears to stream… I gave ownership to my inner burdens 1 single authentic word at a time… my beginning commitment to my daily writes began at a 750 word a day count… and soon enough I found that my words and thoughts had grown into a scripted personality of their very own.

Through Earnest Hemingway’s life altering words I did exactly what they said… I Tanya Kelly pulled myself together and gave my self the gift of an empty book of paper & told myself to write… & when I found myself in my darkest hours… when the tears fell & blotched my page.. Earnest Hemingway’s words “Write Hard & Clear About What Hurts. Don’t Avoid It. It Has All The Energy. Don’t Worry, No One Ever Died Of It. You Might Cry Or Laugh, But Not Die.” kept me on the path to what was slowly unveiling me to my greater inner, calmer & loving self.

ehemmingway.jpg
I on occasion have based my writing journey on the teaching of another o Earnest Hemingway’s quotes …”I learned never to empty the well of my writing, but always to stop when there was still something there in the deep part of the well, and let it refill at night from the springs that fed it.” I have become more disciplined in my daily writings and I have learned to more thought-out and I have become more disciplined  & authentic in & throughout my daily writes, but I never leave myself without a list of un-thought-out thoughts… I write down my unworked thoughts and keep them unpublished for rainy days. I have vowed to read, write & think with my pen – ensuring that my learning & worded well never dries up.

Ernest Hemingway showed me that “All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” from the reading of this above quote I looked deep within me for just a starting word, a sentence or a deeply hurting thought, he taught me that simply beginning was the hardest part of  my heart-felt and life altering journey.

Through the prolific worded lessons of Earnest Hemingway I have learned that the power of writing can help ones inner hurting self to get what is “life’s burden”… out in the open where one can learn simply breathe.

For me, one of the most important things that I have learned is this… “If I don’t give myself permission to write every day then I am denying myself the right to live in a world where I am capable of resurfacing my paved road and coming to the crossroads of my life where the decision of where to next is mine.”

I am indeed a work in progress and my deepest thoughts and feelings are being re-storied and given lessons that life has handed me a far greater view to look at. I am the young seedling that has been planted into the clearing of the me; of whom I once was.


Today’s daily blog post pays homage to Earnest Hemingway – a daily write titled
“Write Hard & Clear About What Hurts. Don’t Avoid It. It Has All The Energy. Don’t Worry, No One Ever Died Of It. You Might Cry Or Laugh, But Not Die.” – Earnest Hemingway gave me an inner strength and a self-disciplined writer that I am very proud of.
Ernest-Hemingway-Quotes-2.jpg

Thankyou Earnest Hemingway for your worded and scripted teachings… you are the shining light that steered me in the direction that has me uncovering me. Earnest Hemingway I am sitting down, writing daily and am learning the skills of sitting down and writing the bleeding words that live within me.


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com 

Day # 85 – “I Can Do It” – Louise Hay – 365 Days Of Daily Affirmations (Jan 3rd)

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I was gifted a present for Christmas.. from my blogging buddy Lauren, Her gift was a 365 daily affirmation calendar by Louise Hay – Titled “I Can Do It.”

So I was on receivership of Lauren’s well packaged “contacted” (book wrapping/covering) covered package.. I told her that I would embark on a writing journey where I would go day by day through the 365 day affirmations calendar  (with no sneaky peaky looksie’s at what affirmations are coming up).

So for each day of Louise Hay’s 365 Day Affirmation Calendar I would sit & write something for each written affirmation page that I turn.

So today being January 1st… Louise Hays daily affirmation was…” I Now Do Work That I Love. And I Am Well Paid For It.”

©Louise Hay “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations


What this written quote by Louise Hay says to me is this:-

There has come a time in my life where I have had to comes to terms with how my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis is, has & will affect me in not only my personal and working lives but more importantly in my yesterdays, in my today’s & in my tomorrow’s.

I will never say that having the commitment of a job to go to is something that I wanted for me.. I never thought or saw coming; the struggles that my diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis would bring…. just lately “My Story” has began kicking my ass.

I know write in the form of daily journaling, blogging, writing poetry, morning pages as well as other writing avenues.. “I Love My Daily Writing Workload… & My Pay Check Isn’t In Monetary Value… It Is In The Gifts Of My Calmer Mind, Heart, Soul, Thoughts & Of Course The Biggest Pay Check Is In The Fear That My Inner Child No Longer Feels.


So there it is my daily blog based upon Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations. (Dated January 3rd).

So thanks a bunch Lauren for getting my cogs spinning in a moment of self giving. A writing journey that will show me that the inner power & attitude of “I Can Do It” does indeed live in me.

I will be from time to time be sharing what I write in my writing journey of Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations. I am inspired explore my thinking’s and thoughts as well as what the meaning of Louise Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations in a 365 day writing challenge.

Written By
Author.
Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress

Day # 84 – “I Can Do It” – Louise Hay – 365 Days Of Daily Affirmations (Jan 1st)

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I was gifted a present for Christmas.. from my blogging buddy Lauren, Her gift was a 365 daily affirmation calendar by Louise Hay – Titled “I Can Do It.”

So I was on receivership of Lauren’s well packaged “contacted” (book wrapping/covering) covered package.. I told her that I would embark on a writing journey where I would go day by day through the 365 day affirmations calendar  (with no sneaky peaky looksie’s at what affirmations are coming up).

So for each day of Louise Hay’s 365 Day Affirmation Calendar I would sit & write something for each written affirmation page that I turn.

So today being January 1st… Louise Hays daily affirmation was… “I Am Moving Into A New Era Of Life That Is Far More Satisfying Than Anything I Have Experienced Before. This Is Just The Beginning Of An Amazing Year.”

©Louise Hay “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations


What this written quote by Louise Hay says to me is this:-

For me 2019 will deliver me the okayness to be me… standing strong within my moral and standing even taller in my own convictions… whilst I have always been very headstrong and capable of standing up for my beliefs there is a part of me that is hidden from others is the side of me that is an independent people pleasure…

On one hand I am outwardly independent and stand proudly that I rely on very few fo my existence in this world…. some see this quality in me as that of me being stubborn and driven to prove a point but there is a small part of me that knows that this quality isnt about being and or proving that I am strong minded & willed …. for me being stubborn is my self defence wall that is afraid of others seeing my vulnerabilities out of fear of reprisal and the misuse of the powers that my vulnerabilities may harbours.

On the other hand I am but just s speckled bleep of human existence. I bleed just like everyone else on this planet… and I certainly feel pain like everyone else does.. but what few people see from me is how hard I can truly cry… I may appear strong  and even stronger willed… but I am very much the opposite to who others see me as.

Self confidence is how many see me… strong minded, strong willed and morally driven but the true and rarely seen me is child like and scared of physical, mental, social & relationship abandoning… I am very much afraid of coming unravelled… I am afraid of the unseen characteristics that may come of my unravelling… afraid of the unknown and afraid of what will come of the instability of my loss of self control.

So day 3 of Louise Hay’s 365 Day Calendar Affirmations brings me to say this about todays daily affirmation… 2019 is about me standing & giving myself the okayness to let the things that I am afraid of not be the parts of me that I keep hidden … I want to give myself the support that I feel that I deserve… but the biggest part of me letting go of my outward self confidence is becoming ok with the consequences that my vulnerabilities may exposes.

In 2019 the new era of me want to learn how to say no! … & I want to find the inner strength to learn… learning what saying no will bring & I want 2019 to be the year that my decisions and my needs either come first outweighing the many needs of those around me…

2019 for me tells me that  I want to be my priority and that I want to be the receiver of my much needed long standing in the wind needs.

“ I am moving into a new era of life that is far more satisfying than anything I have experienced before. This is just the beginning of an amazing year! ” … this whole year will be new territory for me… will my self’s self promotion make me the target of the misgivings and misunderstandings of others… to become my priority I have to find  the inner strength to be ok with the consequences of me becoming my own priority…. and letting others deal with their own difficulties in accepting that I am entitled to stand in a line for my share of personal time.. just as others are.

An “Amazing Year” mmm  well with no negative or double meaning… bring on 2019… I am ready to become my own priority.


So there it is my daily blog based upon Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations. (Dated January 1st).

So thanks a bunch Lauren for getting my cogs spinning in a moment of self giving. A writing journey that will show me that the inner power & attitude of “I Can Do It” does indeed live in me.

I will be from time to time be sharing what I write in my writing journey of Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations. I am inspired explore my thinking’s and thoughts as well as what the meaning of Louise Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations in a 365 day writing challenge.

Written By
Author.
Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 83 – Pep Talk Day

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Very few words were spoken today, instead I spent the day pep talking myself, giving myself the strength and the time out that I needed to find inner peace within me.

Firstly this pictured quote that I am found strength in writes:

“Respect your body when it’s asking for a break.
Respect your mind when it’s seeking to rest.
Honour yourself when you need a moment.”

Author.
Notes Creator

This pictured quote gave me the greatest strengths today.. it told me in a symbolic embrace to see myself and my body’s pain in all it’s here’s and now’s… let the trying moments of my hurting days to be allowed to take the break that it needs to replenish its strength. This Pictured quote was a message that gives me the message of “learn to respect me and how my body feels and needs time to heal.”

This self respect message came to me when I needed it most… I have been pushing hard to be all to everyone – putting myself way past the end zone of my own needs. “I know I need a moment to find the time that my body needs to build up the strength that it needs to carry me on through to the junction in my road. Its time to listen to my body… and today I heard it loud and clear.


img_3165.jpgIn this pictured quote the message that has the following words scribed into it says:

The strength of your soul
Was born on the backs of moments
That brought me to my knees.

Author.
S.L. Healon

The message that was delivered to me in this pictured quote was a strong reminder of how I became me.

I have indeed seen some of the worst sides of human nature and the behaviours that make up people. I have indeed been hurt and felt the greatest of pains both in my heart and throughout my body… so what this pictured quote reminded me of is the many times that I have been brought to my knees, but have found the strength and the courage to bring myself to an upright position, placing my head high and my eyes set firmly on the path that was ahead of me…

Proving to me that even at the worst stages of my life I was able to be my own backbone and I am here today because I chose not to give up on any of my previously hard days.


img_3168.jpg
When Life’s challenges become harder,
Challenge yourself to become stronger.

Author.
Unknown

This week I have had to learn to breathe deeply… my week delivered me and Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis – “My Story” an ass kicking and a reality check into what happens when I don’t listen to my body need to say enough is enough… I failed to heed my bodies warning signs and it in return decided to turn the outcome into a lesson of gruelling pain.

My body challenged me emotionally, physically and mentally this week & it has left me a little weaker than I would like.. but I have learned the message that it was screaming at me “I know now that I must take time out for my body to catch its breath and pace”… I will indeed take this weeks challenges and lessons and be the mindful strength that my body and I need.


img_3160-1.pngThis pictured quote is a quote that I found whilst looking for memes that relate to Multiple Sclerosis.

This meme’s Author is.
MSMultipleSclerosis.net

Ms continually challenges me
To find balance between
Pride & Humility.

I wrote the following this week in another written blog post:

I guess I now know what extreme heated days , fatigue & Multiple Sclerosis can do to a person… what I haven’t said is that I have also lived with my light weight cardigan in my lap this week… because I have not only had extreme heated body temperatures taking me out of the realm of my comfort levels… I have also had moments where my temperatures plunged to the ground and had me putting my cardigan and socks on and off… I must have looked like an igloo man coming out of the Antarctic lands straight into the desert waste lands and only to return back again to blazing sun heat days.

I know that there will be days when my Ms symptoms will spend the days peeking to their highest levels of annoyance… pushing my pain level and my tolerance to the to the highest level of my pain threshold… but I am optimistic & hoping for a better week.. emotionally, physically, mentally & socially… this Truly was my worst week ever since my Ms Diagnosis… I am hoping to not have many more of these days… “Here’s Hoping For A Better Week.

This week has taught me a valuable lesson in asking and in seeking help… the heated days and nights defiantly took e beyond my limits… I knew that I was feeling week, but it is never me to give up… but I know now that continuing on and pushing myself harder to complete my daily’s jobs was the very thing that undid me and turned my bad days into nightmare driven painful moments that took 6 days to come through.

I am to proud for my own good… I don’t like asking for help… I knew that I needed it but my pride forbid me to ask for it… yes I had a low level outlook of my own needs and importance.. I took my body for granted and it gave me a spin rinse and wash.


This pictured quote depicts what it is that I have leant this week in my trying times and how I should prevent a repeat of this week happening ever again.

When I am resting

On a “Fare Up Day”
I need to remember that I am not wasting the entire day doing nothing.
I am doing exactly what I need to do.
I’m recovering.

Author.
Unknown

Simply putting it I walked the long road to learning the words “Not Today”
I pushed my body and my mind set out of their pyjamas and right back into the rat race of life…
I took it upon myself to allow myself to feel that others were relying on me to be me and to simply get things done
… when my body needed rest it screamed and screamed… falling on deaf ears my “flare up” became my bodies enemy and it certainly took care of me…

It is usual for me to feel guilty for the things that I didn’t get done throughout my day..
& being told that I am lazy or relying to heavily on other to see that my needs and wants are met; serves to spur me on and pushes me out of my rest. I thought that I was a person who cared little for the what others had to say… but clearly my thoughts are incorrect or I would have stayed in bed to rest.

Taking a day here & there doesn’t mean that I am lazy… I know this oh so well
When my body signals its warning signs
I now know to stop & listen.

Rest isn’t for the weak or lazy,
It’s for the greater good  of this vessel that I call my soul & body.


There are so many lessons and words of advice that I could offer to those who are standing on the outskirts of a loved one or a person in their midst… giving them the knowledge of what it it is like to have a life altering illness… but I think my time would be better spent encouraging them to hear the many messages that scream to with in no-verballed tones to simply lend a hand…

Firstly the worst thing that a person could tell a person with a life altering illness is  to “tell them to get over it”
There is a degree of ignore in the toned voice of these very words… why instead of watching the struggle don’t you just get down to a struggling person’s out stretched hand ” & help them get through it…”


Another important lesson that I would surmise to teach is:-

Never underestimate
The pain of a person,
Because in all honesty,
Everyone is struggling.
Just some people are
Better at hiding it
Than others.

Author.
www.healtyplace.com

Not every  persons pain is visible and no two people feel pain in the same way… and for some people (myself included) we choose to keep our inner struggles and our inner woe’s to ourselves – preferring to suffer in silence then to see pity and disgust on the faces of the people we love and trust).

Truth be known we are all struggling in some way shape or form… no-one has the perfect life of no aches, pains or groans… empathy & compassion will go further in the
life and world of someone needing a moment of care and understanding.

A written quote by Lupie Linda sums up my every thought…

When you have a chronic illness,
How you feel Changes from day to day,
Hour to hour
& even minute to minute.
I never Know how I’ll feel.

For those standing on the outskirts of a person with a chronic illness; it may seem that plans get changed or even broken … and that excuses of tiredness and exhaustion are the words that are often spoken… “I read a meme just this week that said.. no matter how much rest I may take, my tired symptoms rarely leaves me to just be me.”

Lessons Learned In Life writes on their meme the following words of wisdom and offers upimg_3179.jpg a great word of advice:

No matter what you do
Someone will always talk about you.
Someone will always question your judgement.
Someone will always doubt you.
So just smile and make choices
you can live with.

I say right on  “Lessons Learned In Life”… run your own race at your own pace… listen to everything that you are told and hear, divide it in half, throw one half away and what you will be left with; is what you know and believe is the truth.

I have gained much personal insight this week into how it is that I cope when I am in grips of strong handed pain… and I have most defiantly seen myself in the grasp of unrelenting pain… I have seen the not so likeable me pushing to offer assistance as far away from me as I could get them… I have seen those around me struggling to take away my pain… I have seen as I have yelled and screamed that no one can hear the words that scream out “I Need help !”

I have also learned another very valuable lesson that cuts me to my core.. & that would be well founded in the words of the bellow written quote:
img_3182-e1548086246840.jpg
My biggest regrets in life are
Being to damn nice,
Apologising when I didn’t do anything wrong
& making unworthy people
A priority.

What I Learned this week in the depths of my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis’s death grip is what true humanity, love and plain & simply who gives a shit…

I have been in a position to watch the people that I love and know be in position of unmeasurable pain… I cant ever remember a time when I turned my back and simply walked away… it may be true that pain changes who it is that we are, and how it is that we act when we are brought to the kneeling stance praying for a moment to breathe… but nothing has prepared me for the ignorance that some blank faces have shown me… my diagnosis of PPMS has shown me the raw bones of my inner smile…

There is so much strength in a person who is seen the strength of strong pain… there is even a far greater strength on those who use their pain to find the inner strength to stand and scream “wow.. shit what a ride” – laughing at the grips that tighten around their every in and outed breath.

I so hope with hand on my heart hope that this weeks onslaught of weathered heat and body driven by Ms pain never meets again… I certainly have had my share of ups and downs and I have seen my sanity take a dive… but the one thing that I take from this weeks painful body blows is that I am strong and very capable of standing and admitting to my deep and raw pain… I appreciate that I could see the bad side of hat my pain can do to me… and I can appreciate now the lessons that I should have all along been listening to… that sixth sense that tells me something’s can sit on the back burner that it is time for my body to rest.

This week was most certainly a week of  humility smacking my pride in its face.

“Now, every time
I witness a strong person,
I want to know;
What darkness did you
Conquer in your story?
Mountains do not rise
Without earthquakes.”

Author.
Katherine MacKenett
The Minds Journal

I was that person that the above written quote talks of, just this week in my
“Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis’s Earthquaking Journey”

Whilst I may have seen the inner darkness of my pain and it’s tolerance, I know that I will never conquer my “Ms Story” or the path that lies in its ruins… but I am a witness to my own body’s lessons and now it is up to me to find the time to sit in the wake of my pain delivered memories and learnt what it is that my body is telling me.

I will finish  today daily blog submission off with a quote that I saw today.

” Bend Don’t Break Be Flexible Yet Stand Firmly Rooted “

oh yah before I forget… here is my final thought

” wow.. Shit What A Ride “


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 82 – Can Dementia Forge Forgiveness?

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Here Is Some Background To My Today Daily Blog Entry

There was a time so long ago when the phone would ring and I would be happy to hear your voice asking me how was my day…

Then without waning the heavy rain clouds just holding onto their accumulation of evaporated water from the earths atmosphere… burst open up and stormed their way back to the earth & grounds below…

The above is my euphemism is for the “family battling quests” that would rain down into and onto the seemingly civilised family conversations that of course threatened to cause tirades of hurtful words & times.

I battled on for so many years coming and going from the table that often swayed between the good time celebrations and the inevitable 6 monthly down trodden finger pointing moments.

I at time struggled under the unclear &  muttered words of love that were barely spoken but where implied that they existed… I struggled to accept the hugs and the greetings that came my way but seemed empty in their embrace… I eventually began to see a pattern forming and at some point & within a few months into my loving relationship; I knew at the slightest of glances that the time for family gatherings and laughter would soon be replaced with harsh words, angry faces and distances that would span on for the minimum time of 6 months (at the longest point there was a 6 year feud).

So Here I Am Today… & Here Is My Conundrum…

Just the other day in one of online groups I decided to take my turn at a mentored moment. I raised my hand with the symbolic icon knowing very well that I would probably not get picked; there were from what I was seeing a far greater number people also awaiting their chance to speak… & that had in fact been waiting in line instead of waiting in their minds like I had been prior to me getting some Dutch courage to raise my hand.

Hello Tanya I heard… if I wasn’t already sitting on the floor in front of my stacked coffee table full of my days daily to do list … I think I would have fallen from my chair…

I had a topic but no real thoughts behind my mentoring seeking moment… I did think about what I would say if I was chosen from a room full of willing participants… but had no real plan in delivering my thoughts, so I caught myself in the pictured view of my recorded moment on camera… good one I thought… “at the very least you could have remembered to get suitably dressed” so i plucked up the courage and began to speak…

If someone you love has come and gone from your life through harsh moments and poorly miss spoken words… attacked you with all their cruelness and kept you on the side lines until they needed you to around… how could a person with their sanity unassured ever return back to the scene of the crime .. the very place where you were just an insignificant object and just another mouth to feed at an ever so beautifully dressed ns seated table…

I caught myself and realised that these words I didn’t actually speak…I was mumbling in mindless thoughts but no words were coming out of my mouth… my bottom lip trembled as it often does when I don’t have the answers to life’s questions… I knew that I had to hold back the tears that have forever laid dormant and hidden… I’m not a crier but I could feel my eye lids pooling… all eyes were upon me…

I began to speak out loud… and I started to ask my question that wasn’t very well thought out… I stumbled and my words were jumbled… and a small trickle of soldiered tears rolled down by pink flushing cheeks. Deep inside I was actually pep talking myself and asking myself a barrage of small talk questions “How can a person forgive someone for the harshness that they have for so many years spoken..? How can I possibly help out a person who has all but destroyed me..?”

Funny enough none of the questions above rolled off my “heart hurting earth burnt tongue” but eventually after a stuttered start… out come the question that I put out into the open supported room… ” How Is It That I Can Forgive A Person Who After 25 Years Of Being Married To Their/His/Her Son Has Been Given The Diagnosis Of Dementia?? & all of a sudden they now feel the stretch of my distance & they now are feeling the burden of loneliness and unwontedness. (broadly speaking – Dementia is a broad category of brain diseases that cause a long-term and often gradual decrease in the ability to think and remember that is great enough to affect a person’s daily functioning).

The background to my question happened just a few days ago…

hands.pngAfter a span of nearly 2.5 years I get a phone call from a local police officer seeking me out… he proceeded to tell me his name and told me that he has in his company at his own personal home my Mother-In-Law who had given him my name and asked for his to give me a call… he told me how he got my number (she was unable to provide that) and proceeded to say that my Mother-In-Law had presented to him confused claiming that she no longer lived in the house that she has lived in for nearly 8 years… that was located just across the way… as my Mother-In-Law and the police officer were neighbours he did for her all he could… after making her feel supported safe and comfortable he called me and tells me that my mother-in-law was asking for me that I would know what to do for her in her time of need.

As I am not privileged to all the family’s comings and goings I told him what I knew of her medical diagnosis of dementia. I felt a tear roll down my cheek & questioned quietly to myself “why me… ? She hates me… she hasn’t spoken to me in such a long time”

I sternly looked at myself as I passed the mirrored stand to the dresser in my room… of course I will come I uttered… I knew & thought it was the right thing to do to fill the neighbourhood policeman in that my mother- in-law were indeed in a long moment of not talking…

I caught myself in my moment of outspoken thought and said of course I will come… i wiped away my tears and knew oh to well that if she was seeking to see me that she was truly needing help.

I ushered instructions of where I was going to my children without going into any details for why I was going there… of course they were suspicious… they knew that their Grandmother hadn’t been in their lives for sometime. Calling my Hubby, I ordered my husband without reason to come home… he knew that I wouldn’t just have called for no reason… but all that he got from my conversation is your mum needs our help.

I muttered a few words to my online friend.. there was no need for explanation as she has heard my stories plentifully… I was so un-thought out but I made my apologies for having to put off our live and on camera weekly meeting…

With orders barked and my meeting cancelled a quickly brushed the wild out of my hair… I put on a splash foundation in hopes that I could hide my tear lines… I was dressed, smelling nice and pushing my now home husband out our front doors entry.

That is my story of just a few days ago when my “Found In A Confused State – Mother-In-Law asking for me to come see her… to help her… for in her say so… I would know what to do.


img_3187.jpgToday as I was researching for written thoughts for my daily writings & here is what it said:-

You can forgive someone
And yet not want anything to do with them.
People need to understand
That forgiveness is for past reconciliation,
Not for future consideration

Authored By: Attitude To Inspiration


I am not confused or questioning if I want to be at my mother-in-laws side to help her through her toughest days & I am certainly not questioning why it was that at a moments notice did I drop everything to be there.. to help her.. to take her home… to place a moment of trust and caring back into her confused mind.

My questions now that now dig away at me are leaving my eyes wide open at night.
I lay at night wondering if she and her diagnosis of dementia are at the stage where her mind is slowly slipping by… do I actually have it in me to forgive her one last time?

Is the she still present or is her dementia the present occupant of her mind? Does she at all remember the years that we haven’t crossed paths? Is it her or her altered state that I should find it in me to forgive….?

I do have some hidden questions that I feel are just a tad selfish and I do feel wrong for even writing it but I would truly like to know the answer to the questions that keep me up at night… Is the mother-in-law that she is to me aware of all the wrongs that have been made? Is she aware of all that’s been said and if she isn’t at all able to remember what and how much do I tell her? How do I answer her someday questions without her having to relive her part of parts in our distant relationship all over again or maybe even for the first time.. ONE MORE TIME???

Lastly my final questions I am aware that I may never get an answer to…

How Can I Simply Forget, & Be Left Alone With Yesterdays Hurtful Memories… ???
Am I To Go It Alone In Memory Flash Backed Mind…??
How can I become ok in my acceptance of yesterdays wrong doings & be there there to be the comfort… the family member & loved one that I can obviously and clearly see that she is seeking and will someday soon may be needing?

This Blog post was a heart challenging moment full of questions that are directed to no forgive-and-forgetother than myself and my hearts beating conscience… can I move towards forgiveness even if it means that I am the only one that will actually have the memories of my 25 years of hurtful and family altering pain…? Only time will tell I guess… but I know one thing for sure and that is no matter which way I sway… “either I go to her or I don’t – either I find it in me to forgive her – or I choose that I cant” fences and bridges cannot be mended and rebuilt sitting on my ass in front of my computing seeking answers from this very blog post…. I have pep talked myself long enough.. and I have made the choice to go visit with her again and go from there after we have good old heart to heart.

The only thing I know for sure is this…” I maybe able to find it within my heart of hearts to forgive the reasons for the lessons that I have been taught, but as for the lessons themselves I may never be able to forgive the hurts that they have caused.

Can Dementia Forge Forgiveness??? Only Time & The Testing Of The Waters Will Tell Me The Answers To My Lengthy Questionings.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 81 – “Me The Paradox” – A Writing Exercise On The Opposites That Make Up Me

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One of my favourite psychology theorists is Carl Rogers..
he wrote the following quote that I feel sums me and my everything that I am up in a few words of meaningful text. (I came across the pwritten pictured quote when I was studying for my Counselling course & qualifications).
DAcjVOzWsAQSG8f.jpg
“She is a paradox.
She is faithful and yet detached.
She is committed and yet relaxed.
She loves everyone, and yet no one.
She is sociable but also a loner.
She is gentle and yet tough.
She is passionate but can also be platonic.
In short, she is predictable in her unpredictability…”

She is faithful and yet detached.
She is committed and yet relaxed.
She loves everyone, and yet no one.
She is sociable but also a loner.
She is gentle and yet tough.
She is passionate but can also be platonic.
In short, she is predictable in her unpredictability…”

Author – Unknown


In my day-to-day life I work hard to there for others where I humanly can be… offering up my time and self to help when and where I am needed, but what others cannot see in me is the paradox that lives deep within.. the very part of me that I hold back from the eyes of others.

I feel that I work hard in my personality to be the very person that I need to be for the people around me to see me as loving, giving and worthy of feeling safe around… but there is a huge part of me that lays safe in my own depths secretly hidden away from others and their emotional woes. I always have a small percentage of myself hidden and held in reserve for the days where I need to have a certain pick me up / a reserve for the bad days where my energy and emotional state needs to be nurtured. The very person that I am on the outside… the person that I portray myself to be; in the eyes of others is so very self-assured a stable, yet flexible in her own abilities… but deep down I am a scared and uncertain version of myself that is paranoid by failure and being seen by as anything other than being committed to being the best that I can be… I do not seek or promote that I am perfect.. and I truly do not wish to be perfect… but for me being told that I am far lesser of a person than actually am is the most heart-rending emotional attack that could ever be projected at myself.

The exhaustive reflective self that I am at the end of the day is so very harsh on herself… I am not negative towards myself… but it is so very difficult to see the positive self in the world where I am at most times of every event or happening that encircles my life.

How am I a paradox of myself…?
well I in myself feel that I am the total opposite of my outer self… I give my all at all times, striving hard to make the life of others around me meaningful and worthy of being remembered and treasured…
Yet the paradox of this is I struggle hard to understand why I give what I do, why I feel that others deserve what I figure them to be the worthy receivers of…
I to many people seem to be the extrovert,
the person who makes the decisions and brings everyone together
but the paradox of this side of me is that I am naturally quiet and a person who would rather keep to herself rather than being in the forefront of everything…
I am in most cases the giver of much and at times far more of a giver then I should be…

but there is a part of me that is left standing like a child with empty hands … I have to be my own giver in most instances of my life and struggle hard to see the many people being given to me before I am even considered.

I hate feeling lost in where I fit in, I hate feeling that I see my necessary need for me to be in this family and in the lives of others around me… but I certainly see a huge degree of disconnectedness in the environments that I exist in.

To others, I show that I am emotionally together..
that I have the 3 children, the husband the house (life’s ideals that everyone wants)…
& to me I just get so frustrated that people feel that they can tell via their words that I am unworthy of receiving my life’s treasures …
I in most occurrences of people telling me of how lucky I am for having all that I have just want to scream at them telling them how friggin rude they are being… going further into telling them that they hypocritical and judgemental of the life that their ignorance steers them away from….
but true to form my paradoxical self-kicks in and without much more than” its all been hard work, long hours and much rewards” muttered under my breath I just let it be…

There is s huge paradox In myself that many people take for granted and that is my attitude paradox. The person is stuck between the good and bad attitude that I do possess … even in my “angel – devil self” I can switch between having the attitude and have it come in and out of it being hidden at any one time…
I am very much in control of my attitude and for my paradoxical attitude it always exists but I am only ever able to control the degree of how far I go in the deliverance of my attitude and how far I am willing to go when I need to bring it out..

So in my daily write, my quoted statement is
“She is a paradox. She is faithful and yet detached. She is committed and yet relaxed. She loves everyone, and yet no one. She is sociable but also a loner. She is gentle and yet tough. She is passionate but can also be platonic. In short, she is predictable in her unpredictability…”


” Here Is What I Mean When I Say That I Am A Paradox Of Myself “

I am the opposite of who I am and how I am perceived by others…

I can hold myself well in both roles but I am more comfortable being the me that I hide from others but being an extrovert at times just happens to get shit done.

She is faithful – yet detached Well, I am indeed very faithfully involved in my marriage and put his needs way ahead of my own… I give so much to many people and push hard for my own self-made family to see the worth and need of others also. I see the greatness in people but can very much see the worst in them also… What makes these two a paradox is that although I seemingly connect with people I work very hard to not allow people to never get to close to me, never get to know the real me… I keep many people at arms distance and allow very few in. Self-preservation or self-security maybe but it is just my preference, my path, my way, this is the detached part of me.

She is committed yet relaxed…
this statement doesn’t resonate with me much … but if I had to say something here it would be that I am always committed to doing my best for anyone at any time – but struggle hard to fulfil the commitment that I should show to making myself happy… I always put the needs of others first .. and more often than not leave myself behind in the race… I can honestly say as for the relaxed part of this quote… that I am far too highly strung to be relaxed… my mind doesn’t allow inner relaxation to filter through too often.

She loves everyone.. yet no one… I certainly yearn to have people around me… and absolutely adore many things about many people.. in my giving, I have been hurt so often and when asked if I can forgive I often respond with yes I can but I shall never forget and certainly can never place myself into the same group of people again. I keep these people close enough to know what they are up to but not close enough to be friends with them. Once bitten twice shy kind of thing. I love the friendships that I have and treasure them with all that I can am but rarely allow myself the putting myself and my feelings on the line to make the friendships that my heart yearns for. I prefer my small circle of friendships as I know what to expect from them.

She is sociable but also a loner… mmm so very me!! ….. happy to play my part in social groups and meetings with others but will not seek to make friends with others just because I can…If you will I rather not put myself on the line to fill myself and my world with friendships that may or may not be truthful and honest in their giving.

She is gentle yet tough…. often gave a been called a hard-headed person… tough against people who have downtrodden my world and my path… tough in the fact that I don’t take shit from many people ( obvious to me that I take more shit from people then I allow myself to admit to) but the paradox of me being seen as tough and hard-headed is that I am such a giver to everyone around me… I treasure people more than people know and see.

She is passionate yet can be platonic… very much me us this paradox… I hate to admit it that I have built my world around my husband and hate that I am so deeply attached to him that he is the existence that I breathe… I have never allowed myself 100% connectedness to one person as I have with Steve …. there are in many other friendships that I have with other people have a huge degree of separation from the people around me… that even though it seems that we are friends to them… I see them as people I know… people who I occasionally associate with but have no deep connections with them. I keep them at arm’s length and see them when it suits me… but the feeling makes  no difference to me or our friendship.

I am So.. “predictable in my unpredictability” In a nutshell people think that they have me, my thoughts, my emotions worked out in their own minds and understandings… and this can in most instances be far from the truth… my walls… my thoughts, my feelings, my behaviours are very unpredictable in the understandings of the many people around me or by the very people who claim that they know me.

So here it is… my thoughts on my Paradoxical Self and my submission of today’s. Tomorrow I am sure another curtain to me and my inner self will open up and show the raw deep inner vulnerability’s that make up me.


There Is todays daily write; a writing exercise that explores the oposites that make up me.
“Me The Paradox”

My paradox’s are not made up versions of myself & they are most definantly not lies; they are snippets of myself that leaves my vulerbility hidden deep within but leaves room for the reveal of who it is that I am to come out and be seen once comfort and security with others is sought and found. I am at all times truthful to the people that I meet, I just hold my heart of cards close to my chest.

Interesting Perspectives Of Myself Hey!

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 80 – Way To Go Ms… “You Kicked My Ass & Took Me To The Peek Of My Tolerance”

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What a week hey… such an exhausting week both mentally and emotionally… spurred on by Australia’s sunburnt country weather…imagesreo7bdhk.jpg

This week in Sydney the temperatures have ranged from 36 – 45 degrees… the days are long and spent eating ice-blocks and sucking the cool air up from the air conditioner… our fans are busily working overtime and there never seems to enough cool air or personal space for the airspace around any of us.

So this week in the long hours of 36-45 degree temperatures and the extremely high humidity of 98%, I have learned what having Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis truly is and how it alters you as a person.

img_3171.jpgI have over the many years since my diagnosis had many a tough days but honestly nothing like I have experienced in the last 5-7… my fatigue levels have been through the roof and my body has been playing tiddlywinks with my body’s capabilities and abilities… I can’t remember ever being so damn tired… my week has been a never-ending revolving door of “Wake Up ==> Pretend That I’m Ok ==> Sleep…. & Repeat “… it would be great if all my fatigue symptoms gave me the sleep that my required.. but nope… I can’t tell you how overwhelmed I have been by my bodies fatigue levels.

Being tired and having feelings of feeling overwhelmingly tired hasn’t helped me or my attitude much this week… possibly a trigger to what has been a mammoth kick ass Ms moment. The moods that bring forth the need for an attitude adjust have delivered me many hours of self-inflicted isolation… I have found that this past week was a week where people need not have been around me… how truly hard-hitting has my Ms kick ass attacks have been on me this week are unmeasurable…

Right now it is a lot cooler here in Sydney.. but sadly the temperatures will spike again next week… & as you can see the humidity is still pretty high… but the temperatures have cooled the mountains that I live in by well over 20 degree’s…

I think I have had my ass handed to me this week… for the first time in 5 years my Ms and my lack of empathy driven body has felt the heat and the full force of its agonising symptoms…

I guess I now know what extreme heated days , fatigue & Multiple Sclerosis can do to a person… what I haven’t said is that I have also lived with my light weight cardigan in my img_3160.pnglap this week… because I have not only had extreme heated body temperatures taking me out of the realm of my comfort levels… I have also had moments where my temperatures plunged to the ground and had me putting my cardigan and socks on and off… I must have looked like an igloo man coming out of the Antarctic lands straight into the desert waste lands and only to return back again to blazing sun heat days.

I know that there will be days when my Ms symptoms will spend the days peeking to their highest levels of annoyance… pushing my pain level and my tolerance to the to the highest level of my pain threshold… but I am optimistic & hoping for a better week.. emotionally, physically, mentally & socially… this Truly was my worst week ever since my Ms Diagnosis… I am hoping to not have many more of these days… “Here’s Hoping For A Better Week.


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 79 – Gratitude Towards My 10 Days Of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End Of Year Reflection Review Questions”

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My past 10 days have been spend working on Nadalie Bardo’s
“100 Personal End Of Year Reflection Review Questions”
Reference – https://itsallyouboo.com/personal-end-of-year-reflection-and-review-questions

My gratitude is very personal and I couldn’t be more grateful for the person journey that I have been on. I have learned much about myself and the journey that I have been on… I final_846247321.gifhave learned how I have been and continue to be affected by my life’s well trodden
path… & I have learned how to be more understanding of myself and my thoughts and I have learned that as a person that I should be more giving, more understanding and more forgiving of life’s journey and my future’s untraveled path..

I am in gratitude to Nadalie Bardo and her well executed and well thought-out thought provoking questions.. but more than any other thank you … I thank Nadalie for giving me the courage to look deep within myself.. for giving me the courage to examine my own needs & for helping me to navigate a starting point and or the beginning to my 2019’s pathways.

I would highly recommend Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End Of Year Reflection Review Questions”… for anyone wanting to  spend sometime in self reflection of themselves or their own pathways. Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End Of Year Reflection Review Questions” has given me much to think about and a whole lot of retrospect – I look forward to looking at Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End Of Year Reflection Review Questions” at the end of 2019 & in the beginning days of 2020.

“I have enjoyed my last 10 days in review of myself and in answering Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions,
the end results have indeed opened my eyes to what my journey through 2018 held in its hands for me… the personal journey of my
2018 is now etched in my honest thoughts and words… I wasn’t at all surprised with what came out, and to be honest I didn’t struggle to answer any of the questions being asked… the questions for me were surprisingly in how much I wrote and not in the content of my answers. My honest reflections of me and my year of 2018 was certainly an interesting 1 that was full of self growth and also a full year of gravitation to me finding me again through my written words.”

Nadalie Bardo’s
“100 Personal End Of Year Reflection Review Questions”
can be found at the below link
https://itsallyouboo.com/personal-end-of-year-reflection-and-review-questions


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com