Day # 138 – Writing Challenge Question “Tarra – Nicholle Nelson”

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Ok so today was day #1 of a 10 day writing challenge.. (like I need any other self imposed Tara Nicholle-Nelson.jpg
projects in my daily schedule).

The Writing Challenge I Am Undertaking is – The SoulTour Community – 10 Day Writing Challenge – Tarra – Nicholle Nelson –
http://www.taranicholle.com/30-day-writing-challenge. This writing challenge will go from March 19th, 2019 – March 29th, 2019  (10 days as the name suggests.
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So here is the Writing Prompt of the Day #1: What’s Your Game Name Now?

After an example of what  Daenerys Targaryen “Game Of Thrones Heroine calls herself and why… I thought Ok… ” How Hard Could It Be To Write About Me In A Mouthful Of Formal Descriptiveness? “

Daenerys Targaryen’s name goes like this: “Daenerys of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queen of Daenerys Targaryen.jpg
Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regnant of the Seven Kingdoms, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons.”

Tarra – Nicholle Nelson goes on to say in her writing instructions of Day #1’s writing prompt that Daenery introduces herself with her name followed by a long list of clauses that detail her feats and describe who she is — and wants others to know she is — at her essence, now, constantly updating her name as she lives and evolves.
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So…. knowing that I have Only seen season 1 complete, and part of 2,3 & 7 in bits & pieces, & not truly knowing anything about Daenerys Targaryen … lol I thought … how hard could this exercise be..?

I wont bore you with my long drawn out version … but here is what I wrote…
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Tanya House Of Kelly, Of Australia – Sydney, (Will Be Forever Known Under Other Known Aliases. Ms. T (Pen Name), RiteMinded (Pen Name), 365 Day Somethings (Blogger Name), Angelfacepoet (Pen Name), Tan (Shortening Of Name), Wife Of Steve, Mom To Sean, Nichaalus, Katijana & Human Wanna Be Lucas Jack Russel Kelly, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Friend, Relation, Cousin, (All Rightfully Earned Names) Web Designer (Career), Writer, Author, Blogger (Chosen Hobbyist Names), Ms Warrior (Illness Known Since Diagnosis In 2014) , Counsellor (Last Known Educational Qualification).
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582 characters long… do you think that you will fit on my drivers licence, or on the signature line of any important document ? … ” nah yah right probably not ! ! ! ” We have to be grateful of our simple language at times… even a badly written paragraph of text is far easier to read then the formal writings of yester years… don’t you think ?
Come Join Me @ The
The SoulTour Community – 10 Day Writing Challenge – Tarra – Nicholle Nelson –
Click Here

If You Are Intrigued about what Tarra offers up in the ways of writing prompts in her 10 Day Writing Challenge at “The SoulTour Community.”
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Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

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Day #137 “Why I Write Verse”

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Today in my day-to-day research and daily writing endeavours I came across a small verse  that I would live to share with you.

This verse gives me the reasons and the validity to why I sit here everyday and write as whywrite2.jpg
much and as often as I do.

Maybe it won’t be famous.
Maybe it won’t be a movie,
but that is not why I started it
and that’s not why I’ll finish.

Author. Ryan Reudell
Legendary Writing

This about verse is the very reason behind my writing; I don’t seek fame or fortune and I don’t seek a box office hit, my only goal for my writings is for my heart, mind & soul to find peace in every word they write.

I personally write everyday to leave a legacy and some documented evidence of my life and of the lives of those who paved their way before me… a memoir, an autobiography, a collection of unedited thoughts… a well researched family tree or a box full of priceless documents that show who our ancestors once were.

” When She Came To Write Her Story; She Would Wonder When The Books & The Words Started To Mean Not Just Something, But Everything.
~ Markus Zusak ~ The Book Thief  ~

I can tell you that my writings have always meant the world to me, but as I have gotten a little older, mainly since my children have come to need less and less of the every moment of my everyday… I have found my voice in my written words and those words have become the everything that I am, Someday’s I spend hours writing and as of late I have begun to chronicle the stories that my Family future generations will some day lean upon for historical reference and unspoken reference… For me personally I know that I would be lost if I couldn’t write… if my words failed to fill my pages; I would certainly cease to exist… so whilst my mind is sharp and willing to bare the long hours of writing I will sit and write until there are no more words to be written.

I don’t write for other people, but love it when I read what someone has written about my
whyiwrite.jpgdeep and sometimes mindless written thoughts, I write for myself and for the stories that need to be told… the reminders of our history… reminders and keepsakes for the generations of youngsters that will follow in mine and my ancestors well walked path.

 I write because it make me feel alive in the every word that I write… & when I have a moment of tearyness of stories a long time forgiven – but begging to be told, I will look upon the scripted words laying written on my page and think of them as a moment in clarification and as a moment in spent unburdening my soul.

For those who think my writing is frivolous (not having any serious purpose or value), I say this… To you my writing hours maybe be torturous and tedious and those hours tapping away on my keyboard or scribbling in my note filled books may seem to be a waste of time…. Call & see my written and writing adventures however you may see them, but I will serve out my years; chronicling to my day’s end.

Maya Angelou says all that needs to be said for why it is that I and others write… ” The Idea is to write so that people hear it and it slides through the brain and goes straight to the heart.”
~ Maya Angelou ~

A story that impacts on another person life or reading heart of another person is a story worth its reading time… even the simplest of written words can and will have an impact on someone’s life.

“There is something about words. In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner. Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk, and when you are so enthralled you cannot move, they pierce your skin, enter your blood, numb your thoughts. Inside you they work their magic.”
~ Diane Setterfield ~

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #134 “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” – Part #4

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“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”
Reference/s –
https://themighty.com &
https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf


img_3811-1When I write about my story of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis I write in a personal way… I write about PPMS as if he was a real person , with a real identity…(I have humanised him and even given him a name and a gender, his name is “My Story – and his gender is Male”

There are times throughout my writings where “My Story” himself makes an appearance & he is allowed to have a voice and even writes in the first person, I choose not to write for him (as a person telling another person’s story – in a disconnected third person kind of way)… “My Story” does have his own identity and he in fact as of late has started to identify himself as a comedian… (a self amused writer… as I personally see him).

I do think that in giving a human form to the identity of my PPMS, by giving him a name & a gender, by allowing him to speak in his own voice, in allowing him to identify himself as a comedian I think that I am just putting a lighter side to a diagnosis that exists in my body… that works against me in my everyday life… pushing its boundaries and “kick ass attitude” into my even white knuckled painful daily journey.

I have written before in and throughout my writings about my PPMS about how I feel that I am in my day to day life of having Ms test I know that I am in a fight with myself and my diagnosis to maintain who it is that I am…. and who it was that I was before my diagnosis of PPMS came to be a small part of who it is that I am now. I have written about how it is important for me to maintain my mind, my thoughts and my ability to learn new things.

And I have written on numerous occasions of my fears of how I would struggle to lose the who and the what parts of the very person that I am… what would I do without my thoughts and my mind processing and working abilities?? I would hate to think… my god I think that I would be better off being lost to this world than I would be if I had to live in this world with a diminished reality of whom it is that I am.

And there are times when I share a personal side of my PPMS story and how it affects me … just recently in a post I wrote the following:- “My Story”… I even thank him kindly when he makes me crash head first into the walls of my hallway… I don’t particularly find it funny when he trips me up on my many times folded socks (I have small feet and my socks have a mind of their own, together “My Story” and my socks work hard at pissing me off), but I give them a mouthful.. throwing my sox into the washing basket screaming “you deserve far worse treatment but maybe a spin in the washing machine will teach you who is boss..”

It sounds ridiculous… but getting mad only feeds the pain and symptoms… of “My Story” and my PPMS… I have found that humour humiliates both my symptoms and my ass-kicking socks and momentarily I feel a release of it’s at times overwhelming pain threshold that it can at times have over me.

I do tell people who ask about my Ms… that I Have Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, It Can & Will Kick Me In The Ass When It So Has The Need & Or Want To… But Humour Keeps It’s Hold On Me From Knocking Me To The Floor.

I do choose to get up everyday knowing that at this moment in time that there is no cure for Ms, that there is only trials, treatments and day to day struggles…I have on many occasions been told that I am way to positive about my PPMS diagnosis “Like Really – Was That A Sentence, A Statement Or A Judgement ?”

I have told many people over the years since my diagnosis that there is truly no point in seeing the bad side of my Ms diagnosis, that crying & screaming “why me ?” isn’t for me… I tell people that at times Ms may have a tight grip on my pain threshold, but I believe that humour and giving it an identity like I have keeps the strong hold and the amount of medications that I have to take down to the minimum.

So I say to you my readers …. that maybe I am way to positive or even casual about my PPMS and its diagnosis/symptoms and maybe that positive attitude is too positive of an attitude for some people to handle… but for me, having a positive, humanising, humorous attitude about my PPMS is how i cope and get by from day to day – being positive works for me and whilst my positive attitude may not dwell well with others… I say to that…. What others think and how they feel about my positive attitude is just that “their thoughts” I choose not to weigh into the thinking’s and thoughts of other people… my journey and the way I go about it is what makes my Ms story personal to me…I choose to laugh in the face of my own diversity…  ” I refuse to use MS as a crutch or an excuse for the bad days that may block my day-to-day paths, I put on a brave face each & everyday… wearing strength & inner perseverance like a super hero cape even when the days have me feeling like I have no energy to power on.”


Awhile back I wrote the below poem titled “This Is Me”… A summation of the everything that I am… & I feel its a perfect summation of  today’s scrawling’s and my inner thoughts.

“This Is Me”
I’m not a stranger to the verbal words spoken behind my turned back
I see the finger-pointing
& I feel the stabbing pains that dig me deep within my heart
Pushing me to my breaking pointing
Expecting me to run
Run as far as it takes where no one can see me
All because they say its fun
To pull away at my inner workings
To see how I tick and toc

They want to see me hurt
They want to feel my need
All so that they can say that they were the ones who saved me!

I walk alone in my own stained glass tears
Pushing forward with all that wills me
Through the barricades of people who hold me back
& onto the footpath that I have built for me
And when the darted words make my life unbearable
I choose to walk tall vowing that my tears will never fall.

Silent moments and a flood of tears
Away from watching eyes and cheers of laughter
Silence becomes my comforter
As my legs raise me to where I am ok again.

I am not scared to have to have an opinion
& I am not scared to make it known
& whilst I certainly do not walk without fear
I am comforted by my guiding morals and values
I make no apologies,
I welcome my strength and know that this is who is me.
And when their words
Try to bend and break my resolve
I put on my brave face
& walk proudly on.

I am me
I am unique
I am the best me that I can be.
No hesitations
No apologies
& certainly no damn sorry’s
For I am being who it is that I was meant to be.

Written By
Tanya Kelly
2019


So… “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” …. Hell yah it is… & his name is “ My Story, He Is Male, He Identifies As A Comedian” and together “ My Story & I ” live with a positive attitude that has a humanising element of who & what “My Story”  & PPMS” is to me…

PPMS, “My Story” & I  are the elements of me that make me; me!


So there it is my thoughts and perspectives on an interesting question came into my inbox.. (“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”)… the very thoughts that got me thinking about my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, and about how PPMS, “My Story” & I  are the elements of me that make me; me!

Reference/s – https://themighty.com & https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf


Thank you for sticking with me & my long winded writings and thoughts. I hope that through my words you gained a greater understanding of what Multiple Sclerosis is and how the many of thousands of people who have it get through their every day’s.

Multiple Sclerosis may have altered some of my body’s workings & it may have altered the way that I do thing in my day to day life… but I am strong and I live each day to the fullest with a hope that the generations that will follow in my footsteps will live a life without Multiple Sclerosis or any other autoimmune disease in their timeline.


<== This Blog Post’s Other Pages ==>
Introduction  –  #1  –  #2  –  #3  –  #4

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Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


Day #133 “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” – Part #3

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“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”
Reference/s –
https://themighty.com &
https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf


img_3811-1So to answer the question put forward at the beginning of this daily write:- “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”

Well the answer is yes… yes of course my condition & diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis is part of who I am… but not in terms of “Am I Who Is It Is That I Am Because  I Have Been Diagnosed With Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis?” Well the answer to this is no, no my PPMS hasn’t made me who it is that I am & I certainly do not write about the things that I write about in my daily scrawling’s because of my Ms.

Some Background To My Daily Writings

I have been writing since I was very young & I have always written  at some level for these many years but on January 9th, 2018 I took up my daily writings as part of an agreement that I made with myself.  (I wanted to start up journaling again but was seriously concerned about the safety and security of my writings because some years ago my journal was stolen and handed around my teenage community of friends – from that moment I vowed to never journal again).

So in January last year I started writing on a daily bases and submitted my daily thoughts at http://www.750words.com&#8230; this writing forum was locked by a username and password… so I began writing and submitting my daily scrawling’s and felt secure in doing so.

So time rolled in and I was already dabbling in my thoughts of blogging… but there was no way that I was going to post what I had been writing about in my 750words.com’s daily postings… some of it was ok to use… but there was a degree of “personal anonymity that I want to keep.. for both me and my writings sake.”

I was so bogged down by my initial setup of my blog because I wanted to use my web design skills to create a website/blog that was all mine… I was do weighed down by the designing process of my blog that I becoming very overwhelmed by the whole idea of blogging, so I bit the bullet and put my design wants aside and began a free blogging site with http://www.wordpress.com – a site that is today known as 365 Day Somethings (https://365daysomethings.wordpress.com).

What I write about at 365 Day Somethings isn’t all about my diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis… there are posts about my PPMS but it rates the occasional mention and only from time to time.

Before I was diagnosed with PPMS I was a writer with much to say… but writing poetry & daily journaling was where I was in my wants for my writing journey.

As a child I did have ideas and or thoughts of becoming a journalist or a columnist but these parts of my secret thoughts and wants for my life were avenues and aspirations that I never pursued.

So before blogging and daily writings at 750words I was a web designer and the occasional writer of poetry… & when I say occasional writer of poetry what I mean to say here is that I probably have a few hundred pieces of written pieces that I have written over the past years.

After my actual diagnosis of PPMS I do think that I became more serious about my writing abilities and my wants for my many stories and hidden thoughts to be written…

There was a part of me that thought that my stories would be of some comfort to my Family and Friends in the event that my PPMS was to take a turn… I wanted to write and share the things that I kept within and didn’t share freely with others… I suppose that you could say that I saw a need to get writing and to finally download my many thoughts.

So in terms of the question at hand “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” Mmm… like I said … yes no and maybe in a small way it it… but I have always had a writing voice and I have always had an opinion about many things… but I do feel that I dont use my writing voice, my many daily writing avenues and my diagnosis of PPMS to have my say… in fact I more of a “prolific personal writer – an author of many writings “ but in saying that I am not a writer that chooses to write about things that are going on in and around the world… I have written about things in a more open stance before but I feel that my writings could be seen as a “personal collection of memoir elements that put together will tell the many stories of who it is that I am.”

Writing about my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis is a small part of who I am, there us apart of me that want to write as a Warrior and a voice of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis… I do have moments where I want to use my writing abilities to bring a voice and an awareness to Multiple Sclerosis and the life altering symptoms that causes Ms’ers the many limitations that’s its diagnosed disease brings… yes there is a part of me that has a want to advocate for the awareness, the education and the voice for Multiple Sclerosis… but I selfishly want to tell the stories of how my own personal journey and diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis affects and impacts me, my loved ones, my immediate family and my many friends near and far.

My personal stories will with hope become my personal memoir… a story of who I am that will in some sort of left handedness will serve to educate others about the fight and cause of  the disease know as Multiple Sclerosis.


<== Please Go To Blog Post #4 To Continue Reading This Blog Post ==>
Introduction  –  #1  –  #2  –  #3  –  #4

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Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


Day #132 “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” – Part #2

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“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”
Reference/s –
https://themighty.com &
https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf


img_3811-1I personally see my own Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis battle as it is a “Symbiont”) – An organism in a symbiotic relationship. In cases in which a distinction is made between two interacting organisms, the symbiont is the smaller of the two and is always a beneficiary in the relationship, while the larger organism is the host and may or may not derive a benefit from the relationship.

And then there are times when I see my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis as a parasite (Parasitism is a kind of symbiosis; a close and persistent long-term biological interaction between the parasite and its host. Parasitism is a relationship between species, where one organism, the parasite, lives on or in another organism, the host, causing it some harm, and is adapted structurally to this way of life).

Why can’t Ms be known as a parasite?… after all what Ms does to the body is that it eats away the insulating covers of nerve cells, the brain and the spinal cord causing quite a bit of damage and leaving scars along the way… disrupting the ability of parts of the nervous system; causing it to miscommunicate with the body, resulting in a range of signs and symptoms, including physical, mental, and sometimes psychiatric problems.

So What Is Multiple Sclerosis In A Nutshell?

Ms is a demyelinating disease which means that it is a disease of the nervous system in which the myelin sheath of neurons is damaged. This damage impairs the conduction of signals in the affected nerves. In turn, the reduction in conduction ability causes a deficiency in sensation, movement, cognition, or other functions depending on which nerves are involved.

However, a person chooses to take on the plentiful gifts of Ms &it’s many symptoms is purely up to the person who has been given the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis.

In my journey I choose to have a sense of humour (that I hold “My Story) responsible for), I keep busy with my web design/computer technician work, my many writing adventures & of course my blogging journey. I’m a busy Mum of 3 and a Wife to a very supportive Husband who all work hard to keep me grounded and on top of my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis ailments.

I may sound chipper and it may seem that I have a can do, will do & have to do attitude about this whole life-altering story that has me in a not so bad of a way; let my words be heard but please don’t think that my journey has been and will be in the future an easy one, I have many many hard says and some land me in bed for days at s time… I work hard to keep myself on top of things & I work even harder to complete my own self appointed daily schedule… some days are more of an ass kicking than I let on… some days are full of self-talks and muttering moments that spur me to get a move on…

My Diagnosis of Ms has given me many hours of self-doubt… but I will never let myself get to the self-pity stage… I get angry for my family who has to endure the struggles that are not theirs (they also have to take on some of chore lists when “My Story” decides that he isn’t going to be a team player and work to get the house and its many chores done)… I am afraid of what tomorrow will bring… to be frank I am scared shitless of the unknown… I am in constant question time with my mind and souls governing body, it always seems to be in censorship that I am way to busy and mindfully active for someone who has PPMS but being busy in my many daily habits, Family and work life is where I get to be me… the me who has a diagnosis of Ms but is able to push through and just get shit done.

The best advice I could give to anyone struggling is this… get a notebook and write, write, write… Write about anything, writing is the best therapy that you could give to yourself.

Find a hobby, join a book club, take on a new adventure… but please whatever you do… “DON’T SIT STILL” sitting still and giving up will allow Ms and any other autoimmune disease to take over the cognitive functions of who it is that you are…

Like the saying goes “Strength In Numbers – When Referring To Bullying “ I believe that “A Can Do Attitude & Willful Strength Will See Those Brain Fog Days & Kick Ass Symptoms As Moments Of Resting Time For One’s Inner Courage.”

Building strength and determination that will help you to reach deep within… giving you the power to see you through your toughest days is what makes up the best defensive game for you and your Ms journey… will yourself every day to never give up… Ms doesn’t have to be the end of all your life’s ambitions… every person’s Ms is different so it is up to you to draw what will be the map of your life’s path.

“Ms Doesn’t Get To Wear The Warrior Costume & You Don’t Need One; Getting Up & Everyday … Pushing Hard To Be The Very Person You Can Be… Will Become The Grit & Grind That You Hold Onto Strength & Sheer Determination Will See Your Foggy Days Clear… Your Own Warrior Journey Will Be Your Best Run Race The Warrior In You Will Be Victorious When You Take Ms Head on Into Battle.”


<== Please Go To Blog Post #3 To Continue Reading This Blog Post ==>
Introduction  –  #1  –  #2  –  #3  –  #4

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


Day #131 “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” – Part #1

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“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”
Reference/s –
https://themighty.com & https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf


img_3811-1An interesting question came into my inbox this week.. this question got me thinking about my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, about me & about how the two parts make me; me…

The question that was asked is this “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”

So this question by “The Mighty Community Website – which is a supportive community for people facing health challenges and the people who care for them.” got wondering and then all of a sudden I went all sci-fi on my identification of what Multiple Sclerosis may actually be…

My thoughts are kind of a funny now that I am taking the time to sit down and read what it is that I have written. I actually sat down to put some serious thought time into the question at hand…

Blame it on my pain meds or on “My Story – (Ms for short) for the way it chooses to humanise himself with his spits and spats and tit-tat moments of humor… you see… from time to time “My Story” plays out his days as a comedian… he does thinks he is funny… I like to to laugh at him deliberately because I find that he is nicer to me in the days after he has had a good night laughing with his audience… when he has a feeling that my laughter is being disingenuous (not laughing because he is funny… laughing because I know it benefits me and weeks level of suffering)… he serves me a great big bloody hug… taking the air out of my winded sails and forces me to tap out… collapsing into an unscheduled nanna nap.

At first … when I began writing this piece… I wondered in some kind of a half arsed thought; if I was actually living in some sort of codependent relationship with “My Story “ at the helm.. I started to wonder if I was actually the one that was codependent on “My Story” … relying on him soon became over run by the thoughts in my head – screaming out “You codependent on “My Story” oh what a laugh… (seriously I couldn’t be reliant on “My Story” what does he bring to the table besides the attention that he brings me by adorning my body with its ping-ponging funky walk)…

I quickly thought nah to the thought of me living in a codependent relationship with “My Story”… I ‘m not an attention seeker snd my funky walk … well after 6 nearly 7 years of it actually being in existence… it isnt that funny anymore… being flung into my wardrobe as I stumble off balance whilst trying to dress is just not funny anymore… let me not even entertain you with my many stories about my 4am meetings with my hallways door handles that love to stamp my body with bruises.

Who knows; maybe it’s “My Story) that is actually the codependent person in our relationship… after all the definition of codependent is (behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity)… he certainly has a need to be attention seeker, he thinks he is funny, seeks approval by forcing me to laugh at him or he causes me to hurt… and that funky walk he has me doing !! Immaturity Right There !! Yep “My Story” most definitely has a reliance on me for a sense of identity… as warped as it maybe!

Now with all seriousness & with “My Story” & his identity aside…

Maybe just maybe; Ms requires us its life-altering subjects to have life-altering symptoms for it to gain what it needs from us ie myelin and energy…. maybe it has a substance issue and the symptoms that people with Ms suffer from are the very things that Ms is physically or psychologically addicted to…

My theory is that maybe when Ms doesn’t get its fill… it falls into a relapse and drains its human host and land him/her into hours and days of suffering the symptoms of its temper tantrum… stepping up in intensity… proving that it is in charge by allowing the human hosts immune system to eat away at the bodies protective covering of its nerves… tap dancing from head to foot … stopping from time to time to hug its host… making sure that they know that it’s not yet time for Ms to return to its plateau – where it sits in quiet, entering a state of quiet where it has little activity or progress in the progression of its severity and or symptoms.

Then I had a questioning moment where I asked myself with some degree of curiosity… Is My Body A Vessel that carries Ms along in its journey? Or is my Ms a succulent (adaptive and able to absorb and manifest itself and its altering conditions to suit it’s here and now… able to grow into what it wants to be … knowing that it has little to no medical intervention or medication regimes to stand in its way.

Then another thought came by… Is Ms an organism, unfounded, unidentified by today’s scientific world… is it possible that Ms may actually be a parasite or a symbiont feeding on my fatty myelin, whilst wrapping itself around my nerve fibres either to keep warm, or maybe Ms is wrapping itself around my nerve fibres in order to fill its own energy reserves for the purpose of altering me, my abilities, my onslaught of symptoms and of course the level of ever-changing disabilities.


<== Please Go To Blog Post #2 To Continue Reading This Blog Post ==>
Introduction  –  #1 –  #2  –  #3  –  #4

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


 

Day #130 “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” – Introduction

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“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”
Reference/s –
https://themighty.com &
https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf


This is a preliminary post about what I will be blogging about for the next few days. This post that I wrote is quite long so I thought that I would sit down and post it to my blog over a few days.

So what are the next few days of blogging to be about? Well in my e-mail’s inbox a few days ago a question caught my attention… so I thought that I would sit down to write out an answer to the question being asked… (apologies in advance)… It’s seems that my thinking thoughts ran away with my finger tips and together they got a little busy…  unfortunately for you I seem to be a marathon writer – I like to write lengthy posts… but even I think that this one may be a little to long… (but I just couldn’t cut it down to a reasonable & a read worthy size).

So I have placed my thoughts into a few blog posts so I don’t bore you to death.

(I even created the graphic to the left of this blog post to give you a clue of what I will be writing about).


So here is the question that I found in my e-mail’s inbox.
“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”

Referenced Websites
https://themighty.com &
https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf


<== Please Go To Blog Post #1 To Continue Reading This Blog Post ==>
Introduction  –  #1  –  #2  –  #3  –  #4

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


 

Day #129 “Prettiest Wreck You’ve Ever Seen!”

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Here it is 1.17am March 12th 2019… in the aftermath of a Sydney induced dizzy day.

I was reading the mornings newspaper (Facebook) hoping to kill a few moments before I try to put my blogging thoughts and the fact that I am a little behind in daily writes/blogging post to bed for just a few hours, before I rise and shine and try against the hash deliverances of my week and my “My Kick Ass Ms Week” dressed & ready to push through the heated days that are still engulfing Sydney in this being the beginning of Autumn 2019.

So in reading the early morning edition of the life’s self imposing newspaper (Facebook), I came across the following pictured message.

Yeah I’m Hurting…
But on goes  the mascara & lip-gloss.
That’s right,
I’ll be the prettiest wreck you’ve ever seen!

prettieswreck.jpgI often get asked why it is that I bother to get dressed most days.. not only get dressed in clothes, but why do I bother to attempt to tame my freshly washed hair and make myself up in what has been described as “my life’s colouring book pallet” by one of my closest friends.

Well why the hell not I say?

I like being dressed I often say… and I like that my use of makeup helps me to feel less sick or fatigued… and I certainly like that don’t have to look like I am dying even though my Ms can at times leave me feeling as though I am about to crumble to my knees. There is also that small part of me that feels confident in who I am and in what I am offering to others throughout my day when I am dressed in clothes & face etched in colours and tones… what ever my reason… my makeup and my everyday get up and get dressed attitude is who I am and want to be !

Why do I bother? I often get asked… well in my own true to myself spirit I ask in the same curious tone “Why The Hell Not.. & Why Don’t You Bother To Colour You In With Human Made Colours & Hue’s… without sounding like I have a bee in my bonnet about the need for people to ask me why I bother to wear makeup… I want people to know that I wear makeup and choose to put myself together because I truly do not like seeing my Ms down trodden self in the reflection of a mirror…

“Fake It Till You Make It… I Say – or Makeup Yourself The Colours Of Happiness That You Wanna See… Instead Of The Colour Blue That Ms Has You Laying On The Lounge Feeling Sorry For Yourself…”

That is why I put the effort into me and the colour pallet of happier hue’s that make me feel more like me minus my Ms struggles.

I am grateful to those who say that I don’t need to dress up on their account, or that I don’t need the makeup that I take the time to apply.. all so that I can make myself feel alive and living in a brighter sate of mind… I love those who say that they appreciate and love me more in my natural state… but I like my colour pallets and I love being the human colouring book that gives a shit about looking like the person that I see with myself.

“I don’t really care what other people see me as. I seriously don’t. I’ve always worried about what my opinion of myself is… Ms is aprart of me, but it doesnt define who I am… who I was a well dressed person who went to work everyday freshly showered, presentable and happy within myself and my many jobs that I have taken on throughout my days… My makeup doesn’t define me & it certainly doesn’t make me who I appear to be… it just helps colour my world when I am feeling blue.”

My advice to you my readers would be…
“Paint your life however you want it doesn’t have to be the way others paint it.
Your own attitude will always be your best paintbrush, giving you different shades when you need them the most.”
Quoted Reference Link Here


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #124 – “Memoir Writing”

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Guess What Dearest Readers, Writers, Subscribers & Anyone Else Reading My
“365 Day Somethings” Blog…?

I just popped into give you an update on what I have been up to today.

I hope that I don’t disappoint any of you, but today’s blog post will be a short 1.
memoir.jpgWhat do I mean when I say a short 1..? well a short 1 – no 1000 -3000 long-winded writes.

Why…?

As if I needed to add anything else to by self-imposed daily busy schedule I have signed up for a course titled “Kick Start Your Memoir – Writing Exercises” with Udemy “A Global Marketplace For Learning & Instruction.
Course Link & Details Here

I am working hard at chronicling my life’s story in my daily writtings so I figured that taking a course that would not only spur on my thoughts but I was hoping to find an ‘ah ha moment’ in how to put the story of my life together in some sort of chronicled write.

My course instructors name is Dale…
Dale is a writer, coach and author. Her aim is to teach you how to Kickstart Your Memoir by going through a set of wonderful writing exercises. (exercises, assessment tasks, assessments.. oooh how I look forward to these).

I am looking forward to starting and undertaking the 10 chapetrs of this Kickstart Memoir Writting Course, I look forward to taking under my wing and nurturing the memories that will flow from theworkbook that is supplies, the many exercises and of course the flood of writting that I expect to scrawl into my notebook. I know that this writing will also help till fill out my daily journaland other daily writing adventures.

Why a Memoir Writting Course.. Why A Memoir ??
The answer to these questions are simple for me to answer… I want to leave my Children & My Future Decendants a story & a timeline of how we as a Family began our days.. & how as individuals they grew to be the people that they are… whilst learning from me all about me and my life’s story.

Here is where I will begin my Memoir Writing – Yet Untitled & Ready To Be Written.

Who are you?
What is your story?
Why are you writing your memoir?
What is the most important thing you want to discover?
What are the life experiences that make you who you are?
If you were to view your life from an outsider’s point of view, what would you know about your life?

So Udemy & The The Early Days Of Writting Of My Memoir Here I Come…
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Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

 

Day # 123 – “Words I Stand By”

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This week in my many hours of reading, taking notes and drafting my daily & future blog posts I came across a meme that smacked hard into the very core of who and what I am.

This meme was only a few words long but for me it said everything that I stand for in just a few short words.
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The simpleness of theses written words “Who Am I To Judge Another… When I Walk Imperfectly” for me does not talk about judging other for the good and the bad that a person delivers, these words do not even convey the disapproval that I may have towards the choices and or the path that another person may take in and throughout the journey of their life…

“Who Am I To Judge Another… When I Walk Imperfectly” for me is worded sentence that shows my support of people who are going through times of struggle in their life… I choose to sit and listen in an open-minded capacity rather than with a mouthy and question riddled mind.

I have walked through the hospital corridors for many years seeking medical interventions and treatments for my Spina Bifida Child, who today is a happy-go-lucky young man who works long hours and snobs at anyone who feels that they have the right to label him and his inabilities. His Spina Bifida has been his journey but it will not impede on his life’s story… strong-willed or stubborn mmm get to know him and then make up your own mind about which one he is.

Through my own struggles I get asked how it is that I can be so positive and happy to help others out through the trials and tribulations that they find themselves in… the answer is simple… ! My struggles are everyday but if one person can have someone put some faith and hope into their struggles, than I with good consciousness am and will be the person to see a person through to the light at the end of their tunnel.

Why help another out when I myself find myself without someone standing for me and my needs, for my struggles and for the fight against my body and its primary progressive diagnosis? well this is the point of the words “Who Am I To Judge Another… When I Walk Imperfectly” just because I have primary progressive multiple sclerosis doesn’t change the person that I am… I have had many judgements placed on me and the ailments that my body now presents with… my position and personal standing in my life is to stand as an advocate for other people, the very people who do not have a voice that carry’s the determination to stand ones own ground… not because they don’t know how or unable to stand in their own knowingness or convictions… I advocate for others because I believe that it takes a village to fight of an enemy… numbers speak volumes & I know that it often takes multiple voices to spike the attention and the understanding of someone in the position to help out a person with a need or a cause.

Medically I have seen how doctors have passed judgements onto my Spina Bifida Son and his body’s inabilities… I stood tall and starred them down and told them I will never back down.. for he is my Son, my young man who deserve far more than a blanketed judgement that doesn’t fit him or his medical issues at all.

Personally I chose to lend people an open heart and a listening ear… I try not to counsel people, I just try to be there and show that someone does care.

“Who Am I To Judge Another… When I Walk Imperfectly”
I am not this person I say…
I walk with a funky walk and a presence that is hard to ignore.
My struggles are varied and difficult at times
But I with all good consciousness
Cannot see past a person who is carrying a heavy load
Afraid & feeling the emptiness of the burdened soul.

So ! “Who Am I To Judge Another… When I Walk Imperfectly”
Not I
Not Me
Not Today
& Certainly Not Tomorrow.
For I literally walk imperfectly with a funky gaited walk…
I don’t like being told that I am drunk
But I don’t mind when people ask me why it is that I walk the ay that I do…
I don’t the generalisations and or judgements that medical persons pass at me…
But I know that I can not sway the opinion
Of someone who thinks that they know more about me and my body
& the things that make me; me…

I know who it is that I am
& who I am is this…
I am a person who stands up for what she believes in
Judging no other, because in my life I too walk imperfectly.
Maybe not in my uncertainly,
But certainly symbolically in my funky gaited walk.

I believe that judgement of others cheapens who it is that we are….
Passing judgement is a statement that states our intolerance
Judgments and intolerance of others sends out unspoken messages
That warns people that the safety that we seek in  times of need,
Will not be found in this person.


I Choose To Not Judge People
Because There Is Always A Part Of Their Story That Lays Untold
& This Part Of Them I May Never Be privileged To Hear About.
I May Never Fully Unfold Their Life’s Map & Or Journey
The Only Thing That I Have To Offer
People Who Often Are Their Own Worst Judgment Callers
Is An Open & Supportive Ear.

Do not judge others
By the judgements of their past
Instead I embrace them
& their help them regain contentment
For them & their scorned & hurting heart.

Written By Tanya Kelly


A Lesson To Be Learned In The Art Of Judging Others Is

Before You Assume…. Learn The Facts.
Before You Judge…. Understand Why.
Before You Hurt Someone…. Feel.
Before You Speak….Think.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #122 -Task “Personal Affirmations”

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What a busy week of writing have I taken on this week…journaling, blogging, 750words daily writes, daily blogging and anything else I can fit into my days schedule.

So thanks to two of my writing buddies; We have taken on a small daily writing challenge permissiontoshine.jpg
that has us writing 10 daily affirmations or self talking to’s that we will write and own as we stand in our own mirrored reflection.. standing in our mirrored reflection give us the opportunity to hear and own our own words… reflecting our own conscious thoughts back at ourselves, giving ourselves a moment to what we want and need for ourselves.

Our Affirmation / Self-Empowerment writes will be undertaken over a 7 day period, I will post up my affirmation writes at the end of the week.

In this my second day of writing my daily 10 affirmations I do see that I do in fact have a need for this “reboot time” I need to be honest with myself and aspire to look deep within for the things that my body, heart, mind & soul needs. I am looking forward to the next few days of exploring myself and inner most needs, writing about myself and making agreements with myself to make the changes that I feel I do need to make.

I also look forward to hear what affirmations and self-empowerments that my writing buddies will be making for themselves and their lives.

Positive affirmations are important and when they are undertaken in a consistent and proper way, they can prevent you from thinking negatively and self-empowerment can also help to prevent you from sabotaging yourself and your life’s wants. Affirmation and or self-empowerment can help to reprogram your mind and help you to eliminate or stop your own self’s limiting beliefs & barriers.

Self-Empowerment helps us to see and acknowledge ourselves and our wants, by writing affirmations we reprogram ourselves and begin to live in our own here and now.

We are in this exercise empowering ourselves… The general meaning of Self-empowerment is taking control of our own life, setting goals, and making positive choices. Basically it means that we have to understand our strengths and weaknesses, and have belief in ourselves.
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It is very power for us as human to have a handle on our self-worth and our self beliefs… Action Words are written through out the writings of our own personal affirmations and or self-empowerment. Words and sayings like “I Am Strong, I Can Do This, I believe In Myself leads us to “I Am Doing This”…. us living in our truth, our true selves, our actualised selves… & in our here and now.


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The Song Lyrics F Bachelor Girl through the song “Permission To Shine” sums up what writing affirmations and working to self-empowerment can mean and do for a person in their reprogramming days.

Hey, what would you say
If I can’t play the hero tonight
‘Cause lately I’ve been feelin’ like
I can’t get anything right
I’ve been fading into the woodwork again
And I’m feelin’ like I just want to hide
But guess what
I’m gonna try something just a little bit different this time
I’m gonna give myself permission to shine
I’m gonna shine so bright
Gonna make every head want to turn
You’re finally gonna see me
Give myself permission to shine
Gonna light up the night
Shine a little of my light on the world
I’ve been crazy
I’ve been holdin’ myself back for so long
But I’ve got so much I can give
Don’t want to be afraid to be wrong
You know I’m not too good at too many things
But I’ve been gettin’ real good at gettin’ down on myself
But guess what
I’m gonna try to break free from this prison I”ve built
I’m gonna give myself permission to shine
I’m gonna shine so bright
Gonna make every head want to turn
You’re finally gonna see me
Give myself permission to shine
Gonna light up the night
Shine a little of my light on the world
Oh, that’s right
I’m gonna try something just a little bit different this time
I’m gonna give myself permission to shine
I’m gonna shine so bright
Gonna make every head want to turn
You’re finally gonna see me
Give myself permission to shine
Gonna light up the night
Shine a little of my light on the world
I want to light up the night
Shine a little of my light on the worldReference – View Here – “Permission To Shine” Video Clip
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What Bachelor Girls Song relays to and for me is this…Tonight I am taking a break from being the everything to everyone;
It is time that I be that reliable someone to and for myself.

Lately;
I have been feeling the push and the pull
From a world that has me running around being the mother hen
to anyone who needs me in their moment of need.

Taking it’s toll, I have emptied myself;
Leaving myself spare and with no energy to spare.

Time is now that I have to give myself permission for a period of reboot,
A moment where I can and will fill my own cup with
What I am missing in my own life’s hectic path.

In order for me to continue in giving my helping hand
I need time to empower myself
Light up myself in my own world
To see myself in my own lit shadow.

I owe myself this permission
For I can be nothing to you if my own light doesn’t shine bright.
I will light up my way and my own life’s path
& someday soon return replenished stronger than ever.


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #118 – Elvis Presley – “In The Ghetto” (Part 2 – Renamed “Mt Druitt”)

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I am retagging today writing “Mt Druitt”, The Area, It’s Residence” The Real Story” Not Struggle Street & Not the Ghetto.

Read Part #1 of “Elvis Presley – “In The Ghetto” Here

To recap.. Elvis Presley’s Song “In the Ghetto was a song that was originally titled “The Vicious Circle” when it was written by Mac Davis in 1969.


The song “In the Ghetto” that was made famous by Elvis Presley has a special place in my heart.

As a young adult coming through my year I wondered for many year what I would be like as a parent, would I be a person that my children liked, would I be a parent who rules with an iron fist or would I play fare but have a strong hold on the guiding rope that I held within my grip? so many questioned loomed in my mind when I found myself growing a little person inside me… I like most parents had many questions and many more trepidations – there was so much about my future back then that brought the very meaning of trepidation to the very forefront of days every moment. The meaning of trepidation is a person who has a nervous or fearful feeling of uncertain agitation.. well back in 1997 with my arms full of my babysitting and childcare experience thought that I had Motherhood in the bag….

Well “Wakey-wakey!” Mumma bear…! this mumma stuff I would soon learn wasn’t all shits and giggles – it was long hours and many unconfessed moments of oh my this is truly learning on the job.


What some don’t know about me is this (and for those who do know me personally, you will know that my childhood postcode is not the who and or what of the very things that defined me as a person).. I know oh to well where I came from.. I know that my childhood home town is now known and immortalised on tv as “Struggle Street” (ps. I don’t think that struggle street could ever go down in history as a place that has gained everlasting fame dur to the t show “Struggle Street” – if anything I don’t think that “Struggle Street” has helped the image or preconceptions that others have of “Struggle Street – Community members in Mount Druitt, in Western Sydney, say they only agreed to take part in the SBS documentary because they believed it would be about the issues facing the area. Community. “).

Struggle Street – My Childhood Home – the half told story can be view here – Reference – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kopA7V1LmVI&list=PLUeQbxrqtbjH7e6_aN8rIgPT7IheeO4Jm


I that the story of “Struggle Street, My Childhood Home & The Town Of Mt Druitt is a Story Half Told because, what sbs’s betrayal of “Struggle Street & Mt Druitt” didn’t show was the hard working & tax paying citizens that have worked for many many years, some for all their lives – bringing up their families to be responsible and community minded citizens.

Call me biased, but I do have an insight to what it was like growing up in “The Druitt” as struggle street is better known as. I have seen the poverty and I have seen the drug related social and economic battles that these concerns have had on the community and its members… but I have also seen the people who have put blood sweat and tears into the property’s that they rent from the government “those run down housing estate and housing commissioned houses are not the profile or the existence of every person living in the “Druitt” area…. many of my childhood family’s and neighbours both still living in the area and long since moved have owned their own home and for those who rent the government based housing commissioned house they are not all run down squat holes like they have been shown to be by the SBS’s tv show titled “Struggle Street.”

There are indeed many family’s living on the poverty line in Mt Druitt and there are many of the towns citizens living off welfare checks and living hand to mouth… both with and without alcohol & drug dependencies.

I know that there is a lot of truth in the series production of “struggle street” but why oh why did the SBS have to only show one side of the already well publicised “Druitt” – “The Hole” – “The Wrong Side Of Town” – “The Houso Estate” – “The Drug Capital Of Sydney” – “The Drop Off Place For Low Income & Under Privileged Families With No Hopes For A Future, the doomed town with no likely hood of growth past being labelled the nicknames and the reputations that it is know because of. There are indeed many names that “struggle Street & The Town Of Mt Druitt are known by…. but what the people viewers of struggle street were denied in their viewing of struggle street was the hard working and life long members of the Mt Druitt community that come together to support each, to lend a hand when they are needed… the true Aussie spirit of Australia and the mateship that Australia is known for certainly lives in the people of “Struggle Street & Mt Druitt.”

Mt Druitt has many people striving to pull themselves off the poverty line and into jobs and education based training programs…. some of the citizens of the Druitt are Nurses, Counsellors, Forklift / Warehouse Operators, others are Doctors, Lawyers, Care Takers, Machine Operators, Childcare Teachers… I even know one of “Struggle Streets Ex-Community Members who busts her ass off each day and has done everyday to process the milk and other products that the snotty finger pointers need for their very existence…there is also a well know ww1 veteran who has received little recognition for his service over the years and has lived in homeless state in the Druitt are for many many years.

There is just as many people busting their asses off in the streets of “Struggle Street” as there are in any other part of the world. “Struggle Street” – “The Druitt” all of those names are labels given to a community of people or to the town itself by people who think that they know the streets of Mt Druitt… the tv told them and showed them all about “Struggle Street and it’s people… so that’s it “Struggle Street” the defamed and misrepresented town with a name that has many people cringing when they are told there is housing available for them in this area.

I myself left “Struggle Street” when it was still known as Mt Druitt & not as the defamed name “Struggle Street.”

The prejudice that I have received when I tell people of where I grew up is all giggles to them until I tell them that I am not ashamed of the hard work and the manicured gardens that my parents have put into their home… that I am not ashamed of the hours that they worked to put the food in our tummy’s and the shoes & clothing on our backs…. & I am certainly not ashamed to admit that I have seen both the good and bad parts of Mt Druitt and the people that live within its corridor’s. My bring up in the Druitt are doesn’t define who I am, but it certainly has made me value how it was that I was raised and it has a huge barring on how I treat people in my now adult years.

I moved out of “The Druitt” in 1994/1995 but I still have Family & Friends in the area… My Family home is still my Family’s home and we often meet as a group to shoot the breeze and enjoy gathering that go on for hours… My families homes are not squalors & the children with these homes are happy & busy being education both within the community and in schools surrounding the area.

I personally went to a selected High School and have attended private tuition and gamed secondary studies as a counsellor, my Mother is a Registered Nurse & My Father A fitter & Turner by Trade… I have an Uncle who owns his own Lawn Mowing business – he has been able to afford himself many homes both in the Druitt are and in surrounding areas over the years… I have another Uncle who has just socked up 40 years of service in the State Emergency Service, He himself worked for the City Of Blacktown and served his local community until his retirement, he to own his own home. I have friends who have put themselves through school and become teachers and social workers & have other friends who have pulled themselves off the poverty line and taken themselves back to school to prove that in diversity there is a way out of living day to day – hand to mouth.

“Struggle Street” community members are not represented very well in the SBS series “Struggle Street… the people are not spoken for, “Struggle Street” blanketed the whole town of Mt Druitt with a tared brush and made many of its residence either targets of its bad publicity or tagged citizens who are know for being good for nothing citizens that no one cares for. “Struggle Street” isn’t me or the people that I know and love and “Struggle Street” isn’t the people that are finding themselves through the truth of what has been shown to the world… “Struggle Street is a name, a hash tag… a description that isn’t at all accurate to the struggles that many people have had to face to be recognised for the hard work that they have endured.

“Struggle Street” is everywhere… It isn’t just Mt Druitt….!! & many people throughout the world are just one pay check away from getting first hand knowledge and experience of what a the tag of a socioeconomic, unemployed, government sucking homeless person would go through to survive each and every day.


Elvis Presley’s Song – “In The Ghetto”

As the snow flies On a cold and gray Chicago mornin’ A poor little baby child is born In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

And his mama cries ‘Cause if there’s one thing that she don’t need It’s another hungry mouth to feed In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

People, don’t you understand The child needs a helping hand Or he’ll grow to be an angry young man some day? Take a look at you and me Are we too blind to see Do we simply turn our heads, and look the other way?

Well, the world turns And a hungry little boy with a runny nose Plays in the street as the cold wind blows In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

And his hunger burns So he starts to roam the streets at night And he learns how to steal, and he learns how to fight In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

Then one night in desperation A young man breaks away He buys a gun, steals a car Tries to run, but he don’t get far And his mama cries

As a crowd gathers ’round an angry young man Face down on the street with a gun in his hand In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

And as her young man dies On a cold and gray Chicago mornin’ Another little baby child is born In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

And his mama cries (in the ghetto) (In the ghetto) (Aah-aah)


Oh the words of “In The Ghetto” sing to me….

All my life I have been aware of where I come from and I have heard the stories that have been whispered both through the media and from the mouths of those who feel that they have the hole story of a town that has been blanketed by the many for the socioeconomic, unemployment, government sucking homeless people and stories that have forever been told.

I remember the day that I moved out of Mt Druitt and was Tried and Convicted by the finger pointers that I chose to land in… who knew that I would be seen as a person from the wrong side of the tracks by my new community and as a person who sold out and game up by a handful of people in my old neighbourhood. Being told that you are a person of no worth or as a snot who is trying to be better that they actually are by both their old and new communities makes the struggle to become a person who has strived to work hard for all they have and are given well worth the energy & perseverance in being better than the tag lines that have fallen into my descriptive personal references.


I never cried so hard until the day that I found out that I was bringing my first child into this world… was my label of being brought up in Mt Druitt truly the thing that was going to define me and my abilities as a Mother?

My children are hard working and educate people who have had to work hard to earn everything that they have, if being brought up on “struggle Street” has taught me one thing it would be the value in hard work and pushing oneself to work hard and play hard for who they are and what it is that they want.

My children may never know what it is like to grow up on the streets and in the community arms of “Struggle Street” but I carry with me the lessons that I was taught in being respectful for what I have, being appreciative of what I am give… and work ever so bloody hard to get what I want and where it is that I want to go.

I live each day praying and hoping that my children will return to my fold after they leave the safety of their home for an education and a pay check that will take them from what I hope is my home – the home that I built with and for my fairly – in hopes of having a better tomorrow… As a parent the best that I can hope for us a better future for my children, hoping that they learn and gain enough knowledge to better themselves…. with enough self motivation to take themselves to a better tomorrow…

Maybe our now home will be someday known as tomorrows ghetto…. no matter what the future of any living arrangement or community housing area… I assure you “A Mumma Will Cry For Her Family, For Her Children, For A Better Tomorrow no matter where they find roots in their life’s geo-location.

I don’t live on the streets of “Struggle Street” and I am not that label that its members have been tagged with… “I have Climbed The Hill Of Mt Druiit & Struggle Street” and I am here to tell its story… “Struggle Street” isn’t who I once was and it certainly isn’t who it is that I am… but the ingredients that made me who I am wee forged in the community of struggle street & for that I say struggle street is and will forever be the place that I know as home.


The only thing bad about living in the “The Vicious Circle – The Ghetto” is the negative vibes and ignorance’s that other people so easily spew out.

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& Ummm let me state the obvious…
there is crime, poverty, low income family’s, drug & alcohol as well as substance abuse everywhere… Mt Druitt is just the name of a suburb located in Western Sydney…
No Town, place, country or suburbs is free from the ugliness of addiction.

I survived growing up in Mt Druitt…
I have an education, a Higher School Certificate (I went to a selected High School)… A Diploma In Counselling as well as various other awarded studied areas… I am a web designer, a writer and a blogger, a mom of 3 and I have been married for nearly 19 years… Mt Druitt & it’s residents are not all walking & talking drug and alcohol addicted people… There is a whole new side to “Mt Druitt & Struggle Street.”

Mt Druitt was a different place when I was growing up there… things have changed and so have the people…. but I do believe that a home is what you make of it and for myself and others I know… Mt Druitt was home and I am no way embarrassed to say that is where I grew up… My childhood home & some of my family still live in the area like I sad in my writing above… Many Mt Druitt peeps are proud people who work hard & play harder… they raise their families against the diversity that the name “Mt Druitt” has given them… someday I hope “Struggle Street” has the other side of its story told.


” In The Ghetto ” resinates with me
because Mt Druitt is know as the Ghetto Of Western Sydney, but it should be known for the hard working & educated people that have proved that home is where you are raised and it is the journey of our lives that makes us who we are… where we come from is only part of our story…. My advice is “Don’t believe everything that you hear about Mt Druitt… whilst some of it’s true… there is some gemstones in the roughage of Mt Druitt.

Elvis Presley’s Song “In The Ghetto” is every towns, every suburbs, every Mumma teary story… “Then one night in desperation A young man breaks away He buys a gun, steals a car Tries to run, but he don’t get far And his mama cries”… crime happens every where and there are many Mumma’s around the world loosing sleep and worrying about what it is that their children are getting themselves into. Children need a hand no matter who theyt are and no matter what walk of life they live and walk in.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #117 – Elvis Presley – “In The Ghetto”

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What A Songs Beat or Unwritten Lyrical Words Do & Say To Me… Is This

Part #1 – “Elvis Presley – “In The Ghetto”

intheghetto.jpg


Sometimes I see my life written in the lyrics of the songs that I play & hear, sometimes the lyrics of songs show a clear outline of the story that the lyrical verses are singing , speaking and saying in and throughout their words but there are time when the words are more hidden and more obscure than the words that I actually read and hear.

Sometimes its the tune that plays that spurs the heart strings into a flutter and at other times the written words are right for my moments mood; & then the are times when the lyrics that have been written find a need for me to rewrite them so that they fit my life’s story & my life’s events … re-written with my thoughts and feelings verbalised in my own worded prose.

Whilst these re-written lyrics take on a totally different direction, meaning or tone to elvisman.pngwhat the song writer authored them to be… for me the few moments of stolen and solitary time that I find myself lost in the tune where I am spurred on by the thoughts that bring forth moments in my past, moments in my here and now’s or even moments that even I have long since forgotten is the very thing, the connection that I look for when falling for the movement that a song brings to my hearing ears and tune loving heart.

I look for an emotional or memory spurred on moment, a connection with a song, it’s lyrics or its tune. These are the very things that I look for and want to hear in the made up parts of a song. When I do have and or find these connections with a song; I often hear what isn’t written… I see a vivid memory’s flashes through the strumming or drumming sounds that keep the tempo of the playing songs meaning. The words that I hear in the words of another’s lyrics flood me with emotion and beckon me to sit for awhile to play out my story in and throughout their lyrical words.

When this connection with a piece of music comes across me… I instantly become a record player playing over and over the tune in my head… sometimes its the actual lyrical words that the song writer actually wrote that I play & sing reading the lyrical words over and over… and at other times I am the dreamer, the writer taking the song on snd into another written worded journey all together.

Whether its the lyrical words that I change or the unspoken journey in the beat of the unknown energy is always an unknown factor until I actually sit to listen over and overlove-me-tender-elvis-presley-1956_u-l-q12pjim0.jpg again to what I hear in the tune and what I read in both written and unspoken meaning of each and every word.

There is also times when I find myself lost in the lyrical words of a song that have been re-recorded by another artist… the original not resonating with me… but some how the tune and beat of the same song gives me a connection or a feeling that I may or may not at the time understand what or why it means something to me when another artist sings its words and verses.

Sometimes the cover is the thing that helps bring me a different perspective and on other occasions I feel that what was written should be left alone to grow old – to grow it’s own meaning through the years of time… meaning that sometimes it upsets me that another artist works to put their spin on a song and takes away the meaning and the feelings of the song.

Sometimes what is beautiful about a song is neither the original take or version… and sometimes it is the interpretation of another artists way… sometimes it is what isn’t written in a songs written words or the tone that places a tune into my heart… what ever way a song finds a meaning or thoughts within in is a song and a moment dependant thing…  when the tune, the mood, the lyrics or the unwritten hidden thoughts and feelings come across me I know that my connection with a song has moved me in some kind unexplored way.


gordonhendricks.pngThe song “In The Ghetto – By Elvis Presley” is for me one of the many songs that have touched my heart, my mind and my thoughts over my life time.

But just recently I saw an Elvis Tribute Artist “Gordon Hendricks.”

(Gordon Hendricks is an award winning Elvis Presley tribute artist. Constantly on the move, Gordon is selling out theatres and sharing his talent throughout the world. Gordon continues to entertain people all over the World with his shows which keeps the memory of Elvis very much alive. He has received accolade after accolade for his performances and concerts – it’s as if Elvis himself is on that stage – maybe, just maybe he is.

http://www.gordon-hendricks.com  … singing his version – his interpretation of
Elvis Presley Famous Song “In The Ghetto.”

I so loved Gordon’s interpretation… after listening to him sing “In The Ghetto” I got to writing about what was brought through to me whilst listening to Gordon sing.


Background To Elvis’s Song ” In The Ghetto”

“In The Ghetto” was written by Mac Davis and was originally titled “The Vicious Circle”. In The Ghetto was made popular by Elvis Presley in 1969 when it was released as a 45 rpm single.

“In The Ghetto was Elvis Presley’s first Top 10 hit in the US in four years, peaking at number 3, and his first UK Top 10 hit in three years.

The song tells the story of a young boy who grows up in the ghetto, to a mother who really didn’t need another baby to care for, and in a world where nobody else seems to care either. As the boy gets older, he starts wandering the streets, learning how to steal and fight. And he’s hungry… he’s so hungry.

It often happens, petty crimes turn into more serious offenses. Before long, the young man has bought a gun, stolen a car, and been caught in the process – sadly, with fatal consequences and the cycle begins again… It may be another ghetto, in another neighborhood, but as it’s told in the story, somewhere out there – at this very moment – is another young mother giving birth to her child – a child that she won’t be able to care for, and that the world still isn’t going to want.

As her young man dies,
On a cold and grey Chicago mornin’, another little baby child is born
In the ghetto
And his mama cries.


This song is about poverty, describing a child who can’t overcome his surroundings and0743219732026.jpg turns to crime, which leads to his death. It was the first song Elvis recorded with a socially conscious message. He was reluctant to do it for that reason, but knew it would be a hit.

“Elvis was hesitant to do ‘In The Ghetto,'” Lacker told Goldmine magazine. “Colonel Parker had always drilled into his head, ‘Don’t do message songs. If you do message song it’s just like taking a political side. Whatever side you’re gonna take is gonna offend the others’. I was in the control room after Elvis and the musicians had been working on ‘In The Ghetto’ a little bit. He said, ‘Look, I don’t think I should do this song’. I said, ‘Elvis, if you’re ever gonna do a song like this, this is the one’. He looked over at Chips and Chips said, ‘This is a hit record. But I’ll tell you what, if you don’t want it, can I have the song?’ Elvis didn’t blink. He said, ‘No, I’m gonna do it.”


Here are the words to Elvis Presley’s Song “In The Ghetto”

As the snow flies
On a cold and gray Chicago mornin’
A poor little baby child is born
In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

And his mama cries
‘Cause if there’s one thing that she don’t need
It’s another hungry mouth to feed
In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

People, don’t you understand
The child needs a helping hand
Or he’ll grow to be an angry young man some day?
Take a look at you and me
Are we too blind to see Do we simply turn our heads, and look the other way?

Well, the world turns
And a hungry little boy with a runny nose
Plays in the street as the cold wind blows
In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

And his hunger burns
So he starts to roam the streets at night
And he learns how to steal, and he learns how to fight
In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

Then one night in desperation
A young man breaks away He buys a gun, steals a car
Tries to run, but he don’t get far
And his mama cries

As a crowd gathers ’round an angry young man
Face down on the street with a gun in his hand
In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

And as her young man dies
On a cold and gray Chicago mornin’
Another little baby child is born
In the ghetto (in the ghetto)

And his mama cries
(in the ghetto)
(In the ghetto)
(Aah-aah)


In the ghetto is about poverty, describing a child who can’t overcome his surroundings and turns to crime, which leads to his death. It was the first song Elvis recorded with a socially conscious message. He was reluctant to do it for that reason, but knew it would be a hit.

“Elvis was hesitant to do ‘In The Ghetto,'” Lacker told Goldmine magazine. “Colonel Parker had always drilled into his head, ‘Don’t do message songs. If you do message song it’s just like taking a political side. Whatever side you’re gonna take is gonna offend the others’. I was in the control room after Elvis and the musicians had been working on ‘In The Ghetto’ a little bit. He said, ‘Look, I don’t think I should do this song’. I said, ‘Elvis, if you’re ever gonna do a song like this, this is the one’. He looked over at Chips and Chips said, ‘This is a hit record. But I’ll tell you what, if you don’t want it, can I have the song?’ Elvis didn’t blink. He said, ‘No, I’m gonna do it.”
elvisstrip.png


In tomorrow’s post I will tell you how & why Elvis Presley’s Song
” In The Ghetto ” resinates with me.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

 

Day #116 – “Heavenly Silence No More”

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This is a poem that I wrote many years ago – it’s title “Heavenly Silence No More.”

I wrote Heavenly Silence No More after enduring a 7 day stint of  nursing a restless & sick baby who would only sleep when he was held.

Oh how the days and the nights seemed to blend… how my eyes begged with every cry the want for silence and a moment of solitude in a heart teary house. I remember sitting in the hallway  sitting in a mindless crouching slump awaiting the Mumma Calling tears from the door way that my feet dared not to leave.

I sat for hours tears strolling in wonderment for the wrongs that I could have possibly of made… wondering if there was ever going to be such thing as “silence” ever again…

Heavenly Silence No More

Heavenly Silence
Comes to me as I stand in the hall.

No Boo Hoo’s or hollering,
No slamming of the doors.

The flaw in the floor boards,
The silence amplifies their squeak.

There’s only the tiniest shimmer of light,
From the pane of glass in the door.
Enough to show direction;
To little to show it’s delight.

The darkness of the evening,
Comes crawling towards the dawn.
The moon goes behind a blanketed cover of cloud,
As the sun takes it’s solemn place.

Darkness and dimid light,
Will soon be replaced with;
Footsteps and the slamming of the door.

Heavenly Silence No More
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

You know what it is that  have learned since writing “Silence No More”… & sitting for those many sleepless hours in the door way of my child’s room, the very room that my feet dared not to leave?

Silence isn’t golden & the child crying out in pain, in hurt for his Mamma’s touch is the very thing that I today long for as I sit in that same door way longing and willing for the headlights of his car that tell me that my once crying child is now safely home.

Those darkened hours between curfew and the mornings light
Now longs and wishes for the silence to be broken by the footsteps
&
the slamming of the door.

Now I greet that dim morning light with a smile
& know that all those tears cried in solitude
Have shown me that the shimmer of light
Will forever be the light that guides my child home.


I learned man lessons & words of wisdom for those parents struggle to understand the very tired in their eyes, but think the poem below written by “Kahill Gibran” sums up my every thought.”

“Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.\

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the make upon the path of the infinite,
And He bends you with his might that his arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness.
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
So He also loves the bow that is stable.”

Reference


Other Quotes That Sum Up & Put Meaning To Today’s Blog Post Are:-

Wise parents prepare their children to get along without them. They provide opportunities for growth as children acquire the spiritual maturity to exercise their agency properly. And yes, this means children will sometimes make mistakes and learn from them.
– Elder Larry Y. Wilson
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.
– Joyce Maynard
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.
– Angela Schwindt
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did – that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that – a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.
Debra Ginsberg
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
” Simply Putting It… “

” We as parents shouldn’t wish away the baby years of our children.
The days may be long and the hours may leave us weary…
But that is where unconditional love & a parents patience grows from.

Our children are children for the shortest of years in time;
Let them show us their ways,
& Let us be patient in their growth
For what when all is said & done,
Is how much we miss their tendered years.

As our baby’s grow into people of the world
 It hits us in our silent hours;
 That its those many hours of unconditional love
That we wish would fall asleep in our arms again.”

By Tanya Kelly
childtoadult.jpg


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #115 – “Reach Out & Touch Somebody’s Hand”

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img_3588So this morning started off in the usual way… school run, catch up with fellow writing buddy’s touch base with a few close friends, answer my phone’s messages… check email (scrap the thought of reading them all, just filter through & move on)…

As I sifted through the social media newspaper I saw a post from an “Anonymous Poster” who was seeking a connection, a hand of friendship, someone to talk to… someone to hear what she or he had to say.

“Anonymous Poster” was struggling with a recent relationship break down & felt as though they were failing to keep the down trodden cycle of sadness from overwhelming them.

I didn’t go into my initial reply to “Anonymous Poster” as a counsellor… I went in as a concerned person who thought that due to the many responses that “Anonymous Poster” already had to his/her posted message would simply wade past my short and sweet response that simply said in reply to all his other messages offering support Happy to talk also“….

So I went on with my morning and decided to turn my attention to my mass of email messages that was certainly not on the top of my to do list, but never-the-less I knew that they had to be looked at… so why put it off I thought.

Glancing at my phone’s social media’s social networking notifications & messages I saw that there was a message from “Anonymous Poster”.. a simple message of “Hi” was written on my screen… we began to small talk and I ask how they were…  “Anonymous Poster” told me of his/her struggle (which I will not repeat here) and we began to talk openly back and forth.

I didn’t want to go into this conversation as a counsellor or even find myself in a img_3528-e1551191999401.jpgcounselling role… so I informed  “Anonymous Poster” that I was indeed a counsellor. I offered  “Anonymous Poster” other avenue of gaining support and even offered he/she a counsellor who I thought would be in a far better position to help… but the reply was “I’m 100% happy and comfortable with you. Which is kind of weird cause i have never been able to talk about this stuff comfortably before” and so we went on chatting on and off through out days work loads.


“Anonymous Poster” may have thought that they were the ones finding some clarity through the clouds of his/her struggles…

But what made todays stretched out hand moment a beautiful moment was the replies that I received late tonight in my social media’s inbox. What was written was this:-

“I read all of the comments and yours stood out I didn’t even know until after I had been talking to you for a while and actually looked at you’re profile that you were a counsellor or anything about you. Just that your comment stood out and something told me too reach out to you.

I really mean it something just told me to reach out to you and not in a whisper it screamed at me. I didn’t even want a counsellor just an ear and wow you have given me both and I hope the start of a lasting friendship.

We are what we are, our hearts lead us to our calling and our gifts, our job is to share them with the world this is, I believe the meaning of life.

I am glad that I reached out and found you.”

“Anonymous Poster”


Today I found that a simple moment taken out of my day – stretching out my hand to speak with someone who feels that they are failing themselves, his/her life & the people around them was such a rewarding experience when they in turn take a moment to say thank you for your time, that they are now finding his/her way and feeling better about what is scaring them in this his or her moment of time.

I took the chance today to help someone through a rock path in his/her life and day…. & what I saw was a hand of gratitude and a connection with an  “Anonymous Poster” who just needed a place to blow off steam…

 “Anonymous Poster” may have found it important to show his/her gratitude for the ear that I gave them today, but I also think that it is important to respond with my thanks to him/her for finding the strength to do what many people have trouble doing “asking for help, seeking help, and admitting that they are weighed down and struggling to unravel his/her jumble mess; whilst trying not to fall apart at the same time.


How can I finish up today’s blog post without dedicating a moment to
“Anonymous img_3571Poster”. Through the song “Reach Out & Touch Somebody’s Hand – By Diana Ross (1970)… I share with you the lyrics of her heart warming words… the words that sung to me this morning when I saw your message appear on my computer’s screen. I will not put a name to you

for “Anonymous Poster”  I know that you know who you are… please find sometime to listen to this dedication that I send to you… not anonymously instead straight to you.”

Click here to view “Diana Ross’s – Reach Out & Touch Somebody’s Hand” video clip and heart warming words.
img_3522Reach out and touch
Somebody’s hand
Make this world a better place
If you can
Reach out and touch
Somebody’s hand
Make this world a better place
If you can

Take a little time out of your busy day
To give encouragement
To someone who’s lost the way
(Just try)
Or would I be talking to a stone
If I asked you
To share a problem that’s not your own
We can change things if we start giving
Why don’t you
Reach out and touch
Somebody’s hand
Make this world a better place
If you canReach out and touch
Somebody’s hand
Make this world a better place
If you can
If you see an old friend on the street
And he’s down
Remember his shoes could fit your feet
(Just try)
Try a little kindness you’ll see
It’s something that comes very naturally
We can change things if we start giving
Why don’t you
Reach out and touch
Why don’t you (Why don’t you)
Reach out and touch somebody’s hand
Reach out and touch
Somebody’s hand
Make this world a better place
If you canReach out and touch
Somebody’s hand
Make this world a better place
If you can

Before you signed off from the beautiful message of gratitude that you sent to my social media’s inbox you sent me the following message:-

“thank you for the love and support that you (a complete stranger) has shown for someone in crisis. I only hope that i will be strong enough to do that for someone else one day”  to which I replied with “You will remember this and you will return the favour… maybe not today… but you will see yourself being someone else’s strength in their troubled day…”

“Anonymous Poster”

I have no doubt “Anonymous Poster” that you will come through your rough patch, you will find the strength to pick yourself up and carry on with the life that you will sew for yourself  & no matter what direction your life takes from this day forward, it will be the life that you had envisioned, it will be the life you would have built through the struggles and rubble of your yesterdays life.”


Your posted today the following pictured quote that a friend in support of you sent to you earlier today.

“It’s Your Time, This Is Your Story”

” Know that wherever you are in your life right now is both temporary, and exactly where you are supposed to be. You have arrived at this moment to learn what you must learn, so that you can become the person you need to be to create the life you truly want. Even when life is difficult and challenging – especially when life is difficult or challenging – the present is always an opportunity for us to learn, grow and become better than we have ever been before – Author Unknown”

“Wise words to live and learn from “Anonymous Poster” the best that anyone can ask of you and you of yourself is to simply get up each day and put your best foot forward… working each day to be a better person than you were yesterday.”


A final thought for you before I go.

“Forgiving someone for what they have done is not a sign of weakness, its a statement telling them they do not control your emotions and you will not stay stuck in your past – Written  By Steve Aitchison”


“All the best to you “Anonymous Poster”

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #114 – Part Of My Long Daily Write

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Today’s blog post has been spurred on by the movie “Still Alice” – is based on a novel of stillalice.png
the same name published in 2007. The novel was written by Lisa Genova, a neuroscientist who was inspired by her grandmother’s development of Alzheimer’s disease to write about the disease from a firsthand perspective. Still Alice is a compelling debut novel about a 50-year-old woman’s sudden descent into early onset Alzheimer’s disease, written by first-time author Lisa Genova, who holds a Ph. D in neuroscience from Harvard University.

Alice is a celebrated Harvard professor at the height of her career when she notices a forgetfulness creeping into her life. As confusion starts to cloud her thinking and her memory begins to fail her, she receives a devastating diagnosis: early onset Alzheimer’s disease. Fiercely independent, Alice struggles to maintain her lifestyle and live in the moment, even as her sense of self is being stripped away. In turns heartbreaking, inspiring and terrifying, Still Alice captures in remarkable detail what’s it’s like to literally lose your mind.

See The “Still Alice”  Movie Trailer Here

Reference – https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2153405.Still_Alice


Please be aware that this daily blog post is an abridgement of my daily written works.

The part of the movie “Still Alice” that got me to writing down my thoughts in yesterday and today daily writes is this:-

” I’m still alive. I know I’m alive. I have people I love dearly. I have things I want to do with my life. I rail against myself for not being able to remember things – but I still have moments in the day of pure happiness and joy. And please do not think that I am suffering. I am not suffering. I am struggling. Struggling to be part of things, to stay connected to whom I was once. So, ‘live in the moment’ I tell myself. It’s really all I can do, live in the moment. And not beat myself up too much… and not beat myself up too much for mastering the art of losing.”

These written words have become very dear to me, they mean the everything that my heart is screaming out to those people who are both curious and worried for me and my PPMS kick ass moments.

fightingms.jpgI want people to know that there are days where my PPMS Diagnosis & its alter ego “My Story” get together and kick my ass from one end of my days path to the very end of its last second of its days time. There are days when I am left feeling pushed beyond my limits, there are certainly days when I question who it is that I am and who it is that I will become, and of course I do grieve for the life that I had, the hours that I spent playing with my kids, the hours I worked hard to bring home a pay check that would buy my family new adventures and new foods to try, I will forever have the memory of jumping into my car – turning up the stereo and zipping down the road to a place that comforted my soul… but in the end I am not unhappy for all the things that my PPMS has altered, varied or taken away… I know that I can still do these things, I just now have to be aware of how go about things & how I use up my daily energy allotment.

Like Alice “I Am Still Alive” – I have a great family and some beautiful friends that except me and my attitude’s against all odds… I know who it is that I am & I know what I am able to do, I know that I have a varied skill set and I know that my PPMS diagnosis doesn’t define who it is that I am. I know that I have had to and will continue to have to alter my daily schedules and the how’s and the when’s that I will be able to do things… but I know that I also have a lot to live for and a lot to look forward to… Alice may have contemplated suicide – ending her life by taking a bottle of pills ““You are not living the life you want to live,” Alice writes in the note, which provides her with instructions on how to take a fatal dose of the pills she has hidden in a drawer. “You have chosen an outcome that is the most dignified, fair, and respectful to you and your family,” the note assures her” but have no want for my life and its journey to end…

I love my life and who it is that I am in it… even if that means that I must live the years that I have left with my shadows PPMS & “My Story” busily working in the forefront working hard to trip me up with its designated companion “Funky Walk” working along side in their team. I love with all that I am those people in my life that I treasure… my Family and Friends are my everything and my inner circle is the strength that keeps me pushing forward for the everything that we deserve in our lives.

I to have many things that I want to do with my life… for now my want is to write and write and write… I want to journal and blog about my life.. detailing my stories, my sorrows and my most intimate thoughts and feelings…. there is apart of me that wants to return to my studies of in the counselling field “finish my bachelors” but I am now torn between writing a Colum, Journalism, Writing For The Media, or Becoming A Full Time Blogger. Writing is where I find myself being the happiest me that I know how to be… I feel free and at peace with my life and my story when I am busily writing.

Right now my PPMS isn’t affecting my memory… I know oh to well that this may in my future become the case.. writing now will be my memory that I will gift to myself when and if my memory begins to fail me and my ability to write… just like Alice my phone, my notebooks, my scrawlings, my daily writes, my blog and my every written word are what keeps me going – they mean a great deal to me… writing is my muse, writing is who I am in all my rawness & and in all my truths.

The very moments in the day of pure happiness and joy are very much wrapped up in what I have written above… My Family, My Friends, My Writing… I am certainly not depressed or looking to place a tag of anger on what is my life… I am contented and I am finding the good days in my PPMS diagnosis that is now having to learn to live with and beside me.

The ending quote of what drives me to write about the movie “Still Alice” – And please do not think that I am suffering. I am not suffering. I am struggling. Struggling to be part of things, to stay connected to whom I was once. So, ‘live in the moment’ I tell myself. It’s really all I can do, live in the moment. And not beat myself up too much… and not beat myself up too much for mastering the art of losing.”

I am indeed not suffering… I am chronicling & recording my life in a factual and detailed way. Maybe this way is hard-headed and even confronting… but living my life as authentically as I can is important to me… I am driven by my moral standings to stay true to who it is that I am. Like I wrote above “I am not bullshitting to myself and I am certainly not bullshitting any other person who find a sense of curiosity in what has been happening to me and in my PPMS dilly dalling world… I stand for what I know is the truth in me and within my life’s story. I am struggling. Struggling to be part of things, and I do struggle to stay connected to people who have different ideas of who it is that I should be, or for that matter how I should be living in the wake of my PPMS… I work Hard to maintain my relationships that I love and hold dear with others… but someday’s I find that I have to give myself permission to say “Not Today & Maybe Not Tomorrow” – people have and will have to learn to see that someday’s I just need to get lost and be alone with myself and my thoughts.

As for not beating up on myself and or not taking the burdens of the words of others to heart.. well this part of my “need to do for me list” will take just a little longer to accomplish and or learn to do… don’t hold your breathe though… I am not one for being selfish and I do take to heart all that people say… I am after all an empath – (An empath is someone with the strong ability for this – to feel the thoughts, emotions, and energy of others and generally, people who are empaths are affected by these influences sometimes to the point of it becoming debilitating). I will never be that person that beats myself up for mastering the art of losing… I am not loosing… loosing “what am I loosing” I am gaining the person that I am, the person that has always lived in me… and if that isn’t enough of a self appointed conviction ” I have gained the Author in me that see my dark days and raise them into the light and share with them the beauty in my happy moments, the happiness in & for those who encircle me & I am most defiantly not loosing out on living… PPMS – “My Story” & I may not be friends or even close acquaintances but we are written into each others unpaved paths… we will have to learn to guide ourselves and our varying ways; through, around and over the terrains in our way.


Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis doesn’t define me, its try’s to trip me up from time to time… but it has given me the kick ass attitude that will not allow me to disappear behind the diagnosis that now part of my life.

illnevergiveup.jpgSigned
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #113 – “My Take On My PPMS & My Struggles That I Have With It”

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So today it hit me that I am in a fight for my life… “I am busy fighting to maintain that “who person  that I am” whilst maintaining my mind and its ability to learn and maintain
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information” I would struggle to lose the who and the what parts of the very person that I am… what would I do without my thoughts and my mind processing and working abilities?? I would hate to think… my god I think that I would be better off being lost to this world than I would be if I had to live in this world with a diminished reality of whom it is that I am.

I think that we all have the same thoughts that I have just had… & just like me it isn’t that these thoughts stick around to burden me everyday, they come and go just like night and day… I think that it is quite normal to start questioning ones self and ones own sanity when it is that they find themselves in the position where their health is not 100%…

For me personally… I don’t feel sick or ill, and I most definitely don’t feel lost or even depressed… I think that I am simply having one of those reflective days where I found myself wondering who and what I would become if my own mental minds capacity were to run away with the pixie’s and take up residence in a locked prism deep within me.

On many occasions when I do actually go for a doctors visit; he has an almost definitely spoiled story would ask me “if I was stressed out, finding things were getting me down, if I was having moments of self loathing or down trodden days or if I was simply taking on too much in and throughout my days”. I can’t help but tear down the generic look on his face and laugh at what I see as a silly lot of questions… I mean I know that he has a job to do and that part of his job is to gauge the welfare of his patients… but truly doc…. I do always tell him “that I don’t come to the doctor because I am feeling like a hundred bucks… that no one in most instances would go to see the doctor because they were feeling great…. I laugh and say I rarely come as it is….” he does his best to not me see his generically motioned facial expressions and always finds an oompa loompa dance to mimic my funky walk… some day he may walk like me… but kudos for his trying lol.

I try hard to lighten how it is that I am feeling by saying to him in my just as generic voice… “who wouldn’t be feeling the “race manoeuvres” of day-to-day life?

So what’s going on with me that prompted today daily write..?

As of late my daily pain tolerance levels and headachy moments have been happening on a very regular basis, have just come off a 14 day stint of constant pain and migrained day and nights.. I am telling you that I am not feeling anything else but a deflation in my energy reserves and my general persona and attitudes to say the least have me feeling pretty low… there have been far to many of these migrained and energy sucking days to count & far to many in a row to see anything positive from having these beat down days happen.

I am not bullshitting to myself and I am certainly not bullshitting any other person who 52856398_1262809810523825_7982153112813043712_n.jpg
find a sense of curiosity in what has been happening to me and in my PPMS dilly dalling world… some days I find that people leave me alone, that they would rather be distant because they have little understanding of what is happening and don’t want to pry or look ignorant in their questioning… but then there are days when I am over ridden by people questions, moments where they become curious to what is actually happening… or may be they become active questioners of mine because they can feel my distance or reluctance to hold a one-sided conversation where it seems that I am holding a question and answer time or a mini lecture on my PPMS symptoms and my life’s daily journey. I do what any of these people would do or say, how would they hold their facial expressions and eye contact, if these people in these moments of un-thought-out question time would actually feel burned and scorned by the harshness of my answers to their questions that want me to spend time in answering.

How would these people feel if I was to give an 100% pointed answer to their questions… no made up fluff chucked in order to lessen the burdened blows of their answered questions… but I never or rarely do answer with a 100% connected and true answer… I always ask questions like ” how much do you truly want to know..? are you ready for the answers to the questions that you seek..? do you have time to listen to what it is that I am saying ?.. are you actually going to hear me without interruption, without prejudice and without judgement?… It never shocks me anymore to see the squirming discomfort on the faces of people of people who are nodding yes and are saying “of course I have time… & of course I will listen.. I am hearing you they say as they shuffle in their seats.

I try so hard not be intolerant of the expressions and the squirming of those around me “conversation closed” I often say as I choose to lessen their discomfort and kindly move on to a conversation that doesn’t bring on awkward moments of silence… moving on to conversations that usually revolve around their intended visit and or no real substance conversations.

I do often find myself wondering where it is that fit in to those people around me and when the conversations of those around me find my audience… sometimes I cant help but wonder when things became so awkward… has it always been this way ? or is it my PPMS that has brought out the awkward moments and silences that often come and are associated with my time with others ? I do feel that some people just have nothing to say and feel guilty for not having anything to say, an excuse that they use to hide their discomfort or uneasiness in finding my PPMS a confronting and in your face moment of seeing that my PPMS has in some way changed the person that I have always been, the remarkable thing that has metamorphosed me into anything other than the person that I am.. the me rather than the PPMS version of me that they now see.

I do feel that 9 out of 10 times (maybe a light inflation of how any times I actually think and
feel these times happen)… never-the-less; I often feel disconnected or misrepresented or
even unheard in conversations where people find themselves in a time & space where there are no words truly spoken to me & when there is no room within a conversation for 50818512_558460904669329_9114011225921945600_n.jpg
listening… I have given up trying to express how it is that I think and feel in moments when these disconnections actually arise… my eye rolling moments still exist at times… I am not completely expressionless when I am shut down, shut out of even disconnected from a conversation… I have somehow learned to keep silent in my “here we go again” moments.

Back in 2014, the very year that my PPMS actually started to show its untimely moments of funkiness to the world and to those I knew… I was very aware that there was indeed something wrong, I did have an awareness that things were not right.. I cant describe the feelings and thoughts that I was having.. I just remember saying to myself that I dint recognise myself in my thoughts or in my funky walk. I put on a persona that had me looking and acting normal (if normal was who I once was … I do often wonder what sticky description am I & do I play in my today’s journey) but as per usual I was able to push through my down … allowing me to see the sunshine in my dawning tomorrow’s.

Not everything was or is as it seems… there was a many a years where I was able to push through the tough days & the varying levels of exhaustion, I don’t like to think of this time as me being ignorant or even as days where I was able to bluff my way through the days of the onset of my concerns… then there was imposed questions asked of me that made me questions whether others were actually seeing what I was already aware of… I remember thinking “oh my gosh… I’m not going crazy – I am not imagining things… there is something wrong with me & I am not the only one who can see it…. but there were long periods of time & many days in between bouts of not feeling quite right within myself… I was able to find some sense of reconnection and normality with my bodies happenings when it became apparent that what was happening wasn’t all in my imagination.
I do often wonder how other were able to pass over what I and them were seeing… how were they able to ignore what was going on? why did they say very little? all the questions leading from are you not feeling ok, never went any further into what was actually happening to me… I did have many moments where I thought I was going insane…. I couldn’t grasp how I could be the only one who truly cared about or could see that what was going on with me.. it was obvious to me that something was wrong… I knew that others were questioning me… but they just put it down to being generally unwell… or like every other ignorant excuse that had to just have a reason for what was going on there always seemed to be a weight reason or a need for me to live a life where I was a little less stressed or even a little less busy and preoccupied by my studies or my many hobby’s. I did wonder if anyone could truly see me and or that my outward self was changing.

“I often thought that I was going crazy, thoughts overwhelmed me as I thought that I was making myself sick or giving myself the torment’s that my body was enduring & of course moments like this were met with worded speeches like if you are unwell go see the doctor, take a pill & have a nap – you will feel better tomorrow… I have spent many hours feeling and hearing my own questioning self asking me if I starting to become loony.. well maybe in hindsight I was… maybe I did have a hand in making myself feel this way.. after all how was I to know that what laid deep within me was the reason for the years that even I didn’t understand what was going on within myself, my body & my mind… all I could hear my questioning self and the how much of a toll things were taking on me and my burdened heart.writtingbook2.gifThere was a small part of me that talked above my questioning self, this part of me knew that I wasn’t going crazy.. some how this part of me kept me from cracking under the weight of my own self’s pressure…. my body too knew to well that there was something not right… it was my mind, my thoughts and my very deep thinking’s that had to play catch up with what was going on.

I can hear myself tapping away, thinking loudly in my head and talking myself through this very daily post… “even I am asking myself am I depressed, am I sleep deprived”… mmm those generic questions again… see even I ask them to myself… there is a small part of me that questions myself and the workings and going on’s of my body…. crazy bloody talk I say because the evidence is right in front of me… my body is its own evidence.. the pain, the funky shuffled walk, my hair falling out, the constant and life altering fatigue… all evidence of what is happening… & here I am questioning myself and the happening of my PPMS diagnosis… the energy that it takes to appear normal and undefeated by my PPMS is so bloody exhausting… it is no wonder that I was given into the burden of feeling me holding onto “the normal me” and let go in my own awareness… I am still bluffing my own normality from time to time… and I find that this normally that I fake is person dependant …. for some people see the rawness of my PPMS and others see the “I’m Doen Ok Me”…. sometimes in the midst of the watching eyes of other people’s questioning it is easy to ignore my PPMS and fake a controlled walk.. for I have found that people can be very hurtful in their questioning (unbeknown to them) they ask question like will exercise or weight loss help… ? did you get MS from being on your computer all the time ? why don’t you rest or take a pill… ? and then there is the classic and most heard “oh I am so glad that it is you that has Ms and not me… I had the flu last week… that was bad enough.”

I want it to be said here that I am not depressed and I am certainly not going crazy, a pill wont fix me and I am certainly not faking what is happening with me … PPMS and I are now life partners… amusement parks in the ways that we walk… my PPMS story is my journey and his name is “My Story” – I do get very frustrated with the happenings of my body… & and do indeed see some days and the events of the bad days as an endless list of chores and I have to get it done’s… the stop starts to my daily journey at times has to take a back door to my fatigue levels – the very thing that see’s me need to take time out of my day for a nap… ” a lazy moment no!!! ” – without these down time moments I feel, and I know to well that I would be even worse than I am on a bad day… a possible scenario would be that I would find myself collapsed and in the hospital if I was to ignore these down moments.

I have become aware… oh so very ware of how frustrated I have become with my PPMS, my fatigue levels, my funky walk and the many other symptoms that I and my highly decorated PPMS body & mind … they ar my daily reminders… the reminders that now happen each imagesO3YH4W05.jpg
and every day without even so much as a day’s break… there is no such thing as a PPMS, fatigue & funky walk free day… PPMS has taken many years to rear its existence in my
body… it is here to stay… embrace it or suffer the consequences of day long pain and suffering are my daily choices… I so many years ago used to love to find myself lost in my hustle and bustle of busy work, studying and hobby riddled life… PPMS now reminds me of the breaks that I should give to myself… whilst my work load and hobby lists have changed some.. I am still the me that I was yesterday… I have the same interests and the same wants… I just now have a frustrating life altering shadowing walking through life with me.

 


Here is my long thought-out thoughts for the day… my daily write… my take on my PPMS and my struggles that I Have with it… but it also shows how I embrace it and except that “My Story & PPMS” is now how I roll but that it hasn’t changed that me that yesterday. This is my personal story, my journey… this is the no bullshit side of me.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 103 – “Ms Laugables”

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Since my diagnosis of ” My Story – Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis” – way back in 2014… (“My Story” is the name that I have given to my PPMS companion) I have had to make friends with “My Story”… I even thank him kindly when he makes me crash head first into the walls of my hallway… I don’t particularly find it funny when he trips me up on my
7576335a846b8cc89f65011fa62172c6.jpgmany times folded socks (I have small feet and my socks have a mind of their own, together “My Story” and my socks work hard at pissing me off), but I give them a mouthful.. throwing my sox into the washing basket screaming you deserve far worse treatment but maybe a spin in the washing machine will teach you who is boss..

“I have had PPMS for far more years than I have actually had a diagnosis… I just told myself for nearly 20 years that I would be share_Maxine_65_20150302_0650_088306.png
ok after a good nights sleep… that tomorrow would be a better day… “My Story” decided that he wanted to come out & then he decided that he was here to stay”

It sounds ridiculous… but getting mad only feeds the pain and symptoms… of “My Story” and my PPMS… I have found that humour humiliates both my symptoms and my ass-kicking socks and momentarily I feel a release of it’s at times overwhelming pain threshold that it can at times have over me.

I Have Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, It Can & Will Kick Me In The Ass When It So Has The Need & Or Want To… But Humour Keeps It’s Hold On Me From Knocking Me To The Floor.

I have on many occasions been told that I am way to positive about my PPMS diagnosis “Like Really – Was That A Sentence, A Statement Or A Judgement ?” I have told many people over the years since my diagnosis that there is truly no point in seeing the bad side of my images9GRSBMNI.jpgPPMS & its day-to-day struggle… I get up everyday knowing that at this moment in time that there is no cure for Ms, that there is only trials, treatments and day to day struggles…

Crying down & screaming “why me ?” isn’t for me, Ms on some days may have a tight grip on my pain threshold, but I believe that humour and giving it an identity like I have (I call my PPMS “My Story – Ms For Short” keeps the strong hold and the amount of medications that I have to take down to the minimum.

I do have bad days and there are days when my fatigue and pain levels are through the room, there are days when I find new bruises on my body and marvel at the 280-interior.jpg
colours that they come out in & there are days when my furnishings and my wall structures & door try to make friends with me…. I do have bad days… I do have days when I find myself in bed but it’s my mind, body & souls choice to get up everyday and see each day as a chance to see a new dawns breaking & the end of the days sun’s setting.

I want those who question what Ms is truly like, is it a chronic illness that gives its diagnosee’s symptoms that can be used for sympathy or empathy from others… ? to those people I say “I hope that you never are on the position where the Ms Karma but has its sight aimed and driving directly for you… Ms is not an illness that can be faked – it is a truly painful chronic condition with far more symptoms than this blog post covers.

Ms is a chronic, often disabling disease that attacks the central nervous system (the brain notgoingdown.pngand the spinal cord). … The progress, severity, and specific symptoms of MS in any one person cannot be predicted.

No two people with Ms suffer the same way, the symptoms and levels of disability vary from person to person. Multiple sclerosis is not contagious, but it is progressive and unpredictable. … A person with MS can will and does learn to live with their day-to-day symptoms and their level of disability…

I want people to know that people with Multiple Sclerosis are real people with real feelings & they can most defiantly hear you when they hear people say “are they faking ?, are they for real ? Ms warriors are approachable people, they may surprise you in their knowledge and life’s lessons that they have learnt for their years of living with Ms and it many varying symptoms.
images5PEWCZ79I will put it to you way ….
Stop Starring, Stop Questioning & sit down and learn something from someone who lives each day with Ms in their life… Ms isn’t curable and it certainly isn’t contagious… & Ms warrior are people with real lives, they work, they have families, they are mothers, fathers, daughters & sons – Ms warriors are built tough because they know what it is like to fight for the strengths that they carry in their stories.

” I refuse to use MS as a crutch or an excuse for the bad days that may block my day-to-day paths, I put on a brave face each & everyday… wearing strength & inner perseverance like a super hero cape even when the days have me feeling like I have no energy to power on.”

” I May Have Ms, But Ms Doesn’t Have Me !! “

Written By
Tanya Kelly


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Get Back Up Again by Anna Kendrick

Hey!
I’m not giving up today
There’s nothing getting in my way
And if you knock knock me over
I will get back up again, oh
If something goes a little wrong
Well you can go ahead and bring it on
‘Cause if you knock knock me over, I will get back up again

Whoa oh oh oh oh, get back up again, whoa oh oh oh oh oh (I’m okay)
Whoa oh oh oh oh
And if you knock knock me over, you knock knock me over
I will get back up again

I’m marching along I got confidence
I’m cooler than a pack of peppermints
And I haven’t been this excited since
I can’t remember when!
_____________________________
Please Watch This Beautiful Video Clip By Anna Kendrick – Titled ” Get Back Up Again ” & Listen To It’s Energising Words & Know That This Is How I Truly Feel When I Am In The Cross Hairs Of “My Story  & My Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis Bad Days.I draw strength and the courage that takes up much of my energy because I have a want and a will to live… I know what’s important to me & I know that my Family & Friends give me the air in my lungs to see the bad to through to their rises and falls.

Being strong isn’t always an easy feat… but I do the best that I can in my every day’s journey’s.

https://youtu.be/Yf5o-d0qg1g
_____________________________
Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 100 – “Kaleidoscope Of Me”

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light inPictured Quotes Author – Sara Bareilles
Original Quote – Ernest Hemingway
Reference – The Minds Journal
www.facebook.com/themindsjournal
www.themindsjournal.com


The idea behind a kaleidoscope is that
It’s a structure that’s filled with
Broken bits and pieces, and somehow if
You can look through them, you still see
Something beautiful
& something recognisable by you.

The kaleidoscope symbolizes the release of blocked creativity and it gives you the opportunity to see yourself in the bigger scope of life, and connect to the meaning of it. The various colours and forms in a kaleidoscope can symbolize your escape in time of difficulty and self-doubt. A kaleidoscope constantly generates changing symmetrical patterns from small pieces of coloured glass, and therefore a kaleidoscope symbolizes anything that changes constantly.

Reference – https://www.auntyflo.com/dream-dictionary/kaleidoscope

Many of us are broken; in fact all of us are broken in one way or the other. And it’s okay to show. Every blow teaches us how to defend ourselves, every pain teaches us how to bear it, fight it and leave it behind, every failure shows us a new way to succeed. It is in these dark hours that we can see even the tiniest bit of light clearly. In a closed dark room, all it takes is a crack for the light to sneak in and fill it, helping us see.

Reference – http://piclry.com/meaning-broken-thats-light-gets


I have since seen the written pictured quote sat down to re-write these words in a verse that mirrors Sara Bareilles – The Minds Journal, written pictured quote.

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Just like a kaleidoscope
I too am made up of the broken pieces
Of my life’s journey & past.
I am the vessel that all my broken parts exist in;
Some are beautiful
& some are dark
But I am the very vessel to which they live.
I am their protector
& they are my stories.In all of their beauty and in all of their sadness’s
They bounce and reflect
From places within…
Heart offering reflection
& the soul placing trust
Together they mirror and beam what is to my mind.

Beautifully clustered colours of triangled thoughts
Offer mirrored reflectiveness to all that hold within.
& whilst my triangle thoughts may seem to be nothing other than clustered shapes
There is always a reason for why they are there
Positioned and angled to reflect light to where it needs to go.
Those broken pieces may unrecognisable to some
 But they are all images of stories once lived or told
Living now as broken pieces of what yesterday once was.

With a twist or turn
My kaleidoscope’s broken pieces are moved from this place to the next
Those broken pieces come together pirouetting into stitched up & mended spaces

Where new stories will someday will reside.

What comes of yesterdays mirage images
Is that they are tightly packed into a never ending slideshow;
Never to be forgotten
But instead a play of images to learn & grow from.

Unrecognisable by self
Yesterdays images in time rewrite
There are some however they stay and linger awhile
They serve the purpose of keeping ones mind, soul & heart in check
Shaping its new self’s design, pattern and giving shape to the one’s life.

Our kaleidoscope life’s story
Broken pieces of our whimsical selves;

Once unnoticeable & uncharacterised by our heart break
Always learns to twist & turn itself back into a definable shape
& becomes perfectly framed in natures mirrored toy.

That was once understood to be broken and unviable becomes perfectly framed in natures mirrored toy.


colours-of-me.png
There is a lesson in my words

when I write about the kaleidoscope of life
That are stated  and worded without rhyme
And that is that the broken pieces
That lives within each of us
Can serve as a source of light
And a deserving lesson that teaches us
That even broken pieces
Make beautiful masterpieces out of all the pieces
That we’re at some point broken
But with time and resolve; they too can become whole again.
In the end my life’s internal kaleidoscope colours
are the colours that make me; me.


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly

365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 99 “Bullying Is Never Ok”

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” When You Judge Me; You Don’t Define Me, You Define Yourself” – meaning that you show your lack of acceptance of others, and your uncloak your lack self worth in tour actions.”

I have written this blog post as a reference to why bullying is not ok… but I am also hoping that this blog post titled “Bullying Is Not & Is Never Ok” will inspire those who are being bullied to talk up & out about what is happening to them – giving bullying a voice images57EQQPH8and a plan for action with hope with deter the bully’s from their not so funny hurtful ways.


I have always been a very strong minded & strong willed kind of a person… but I am not immune to the gossip and talking’s of others … the internal war that that the spoken words of others have done their damage in and throughout my past… Like I said not even I was immune to bullying…

I was always teased for being a nerd “this in fact was who I was at school – preferring to43530288-stock-vector-two-colorful-overlapping-faces-on-a-white-background.jpg knuckle down and get my studies, my homework & my assessments done. My life outside my school life was a busy one, having many day trips with friends, going to the club disco’s and dancing all nite, many get togethers, bbq’s and birthday party were always a hit… swimming and travelling to the beach.. I wont mention driving unlicensed or for that matter to fast… cb radioing over the weekend to friends near and far… yep I was a normal teenager with normal interests and hobby’s…. but I liked to do school work and I loved to sit and read, preferring reading over drinking and blowing my brain cells out at a drug fuelled party. I preferred to have my school life and friends to be separate to that of my weekend/home friends… I liked that I had my sanctuary of friendly faces in my down times and downtrodden moments.

nerdy.jpgI also had a semi nerdy look for a while – I wore glasses for many years… until a volleyball smacked me full on in the face – smashing my glasses and my security blanket… “a volleyball attacking me gave me the strength and courage to allow me to take my glasses and put them in the garden bed of my homes front garden.

I became free… & I found that fewer people found it necessary to tease me… but that wasn’t the end to the bullying… I changed school’s and some silly girls decided that they didn’t like me… “their reasons were stupid and plentiful.” Anyway one sport day one set my highly hair sprayed hair a light with a cigarette lighter… “I wouldn’t smoke so they smoked my hair instead.”
bully88765.pngThere were so many of these moments that I stood out to a bully… I have had my bag emptied, my earring ripped out of my ear, money and processions taken & at one time I was even escorted home by my bully’s crew… then there was the time when I was set upon by an ex-friend who decided that she needed to give my 2 day old appendectomy wound a “does that hurt touch test.”

See not even I was immune to bully’s

How Did I Get A Bully To Leave Me Alone ? ?

Well I did try to walk away, and I did try to stay out of their crosshairs… but enough was imagesOM3A37LT.jpgenough and I decided after seeing one of my bully’s alone in a laneway that I would ask her “why on that day was she leaving me alone?” – I followed her asking her over and over the same question – I must have become annoying because she turned around and trying to smack me a good one… I did say try… funny how her crew kept me from stepping back on our usual hit slap sessions… grabbing her hand I made her smack herself and asked her “how she was feeling.. & did she want another?”.. of course she said “I don’t want to fight you… leave me alone…” the more she asked the more she just accidently hit herself… funny enough that was one bully down…

images2JNCJ5NCI believe that you should always walk away from a fight or a bully attack… but I believe that I had taken enough.. 8 months of day to day bullying … she had to be stopped.

Walk away If you can… & stand your ground if you must… try to never be alone… and if you find yourself in your bully’s crosshair – stand and defend yourself !


Whilst I may be able to defend myself.. my bully squad never saw that I could… I knew what I could do to them if I was pushed to far and figured that they would soon tire of picking at and on me. I am a person who can and will defend herself if pushed hard enough, I prefer to walk away and leave a bully  to stand in hi/her/their own shadow. I never wanted to be a bully or a retaliator of a bully… Bully’s I feel bully because they are jealous of you or something that you have i.e. friends or good school grades… bully’s have their own hang ups and many bully’s bully so they don’t feel like they themselves are a target or reason for what ever is going on in their own lives.

imagesE2HP1ZDYAre you surprised to hear that I have been known to be a very out spoken person in defence of others who do not have the voice that I have… people who know me know that I don’t stand for the tournaments of bullies… I myself was bullied as a teenager for reasons varying from my inner quietness to having to much knowledge to people being threatened by my way of doing things… truth be told it will never matter what or who you are to others their will always be someone in your days daily walk who is going to stand and question your ways as a person.

What bullying is in a nutshell isn’t as easily defined.. bullying is no longer “sticks and stones may break my bones” moments… bullying can include all sorts of behaviours.. ranging from verbally abusing someone, teasing, gossiping, spreading rumours, physical assaults, cyberbullying, threats, teasing, passing judgements on or at others, prank calling, victimisation… the list can and does go on. Bullying is everywhere, and its is rare that you hear someone say that they never been bullied.imagesBHO7NR4A.jpg

“Bully’s Are Bully’s Or They Become Bully’s For Often No Apparent Reason.”
But you can bet your lunch money on “Social Popularity” being on the top of the list of reason’s for why bully’s bully.


No one is immune to bullying & no one is immune to the judgements of others… the sad reality is.. that bullying isn’t just a school thing.. bullying is often found in peer groups and in the workplaces… in social setting… even in family groups.

Bullying isn’t relatable to the school yard only, it can, will and does happen everywhere and in every walk of life. Just like when a child is bullied at school an adult can also find themselves the target of bullying in the workplace or within the circle of their friendships. “Bullying is a “Hasbro Game” – anyone and everyone can play.

As strong as I am I too am not immune! to the hurt that others have and do cause me; I imagesUL7MS0K2.jpgam guilty of allowing others the way of burrowing under my skin, I am guilty of allowing the spoken words of into my mind, heart and soul – allowing them the access and ways to alter who it is that I am…. & the worst part of me not being immune to these moments is that when I get my backup and stand for my right to be who it is that I am… & when I stand and become defensive of these judgments and judgemental moments I open myself to more scrutiny and the barrage of people’s questionings… sadly I have often been seen as the instigator, or the game player or even the bully’s bully.

I myself have had to learn to choose what battles are worthy of my time in standing and fighting and what battles I have had to walk away from… I personally would rather stand my ground and be unmoved by these moments of trespassing times that others choose to use against me and I would far rather stand and fight for what I believe in and what I feel is my rights… but there have been times when I admit that standing strong, tall & unmoved has only served to fuel the intensity of these unsettling times… so what do we do ? I hear you ask… sit and draw up a pro’s and con’s list is my best advice… give yourself both an in and out strategy… and do not put yourself into the corner of having to defend yourself….

I am guilty of reacting to the brutality of a bully… and I am proud to say that I prefer to walk away over retaliating  to them.. and I am even guilty of standing up for myself.. allowing no one to walk over me.. I have fired back and made the bully his own enemy.

ambeing1I am also guilty of staying strong and sticking to myself in these testing times and allowing myself to seem as though I am unaffected by the words and actions of others… often taking myself out of social settings to save face or to make the environment a less bitter and hurtful place. Easier said and not so easily done in the true practice of things I know… these testing days are a game that has us walking a fine line between allowing others to cast no judgements against us – standing up for oneself & ignore what we hear and feel and just let the actions of others be like water of a ducks back.

So yep ! … standing up for yourself and or choosing to let the harshness of others rush over you is often a no win, loose situation. Sometimes you just have to ride the wave and other times you have to be boxing bag that swings back in the bully’s direction.ambeing2.png


There is much that I could say about bullying, and with great certainty would be able to tell you more that I have told you here in this blog post… I personally through the years that I myself have had others walk in judgment of me and my ways… I have been able to outwit and outsmart many of the people who have criticised or judged me in the past… but being capable and able to outwit and outsmart others has also made me a target for bullying and perceptions of my inner strength…

bullying77887.png“My advice to you would be for you to stay true to yourself – without diversion and without fear of who you know you are… I know that sticks and stones do in fact break bones & I know oh to well that the words of others last a life time in ones soul.

“There is no other way to say it than this… “you will never please everyone.. there will always be someone ready to tare you down… & there will always be someone who you will be smarter or not as knowledgeable then… you will always find that there is s person who doesn’t like you or the way you dress. “But there will always be that something about you that sticks in the nerve endings of a bully or a judgmental person… & there will be many hours of tears and down trodden moments when you sit and hate on yourself for the reasons that others pass onto you… as hard as it is to say.. bullying doesn’t always go on forever in a day…

I personally over the years have grown a thick hide & I have grown an even bigger
” what ever attitude ” that has had made others question if I truly have a care for others…talktosum1.png & of course the answer is yes ! yes I do very much care and I have a great big giving heart that want nothing more than for me to be accepted for who I am… ( I don’t want others to accept me or love me bout of obligation)… love me or hate me… be my friend or just stay out of my face !

When push comes to shove the best thing that we can do for ourselves & for these trying/testing times is to build ourselves some coping skills and learn to be our own best friend… easier said then done .. yes indeed this is true… but what I have learned is that running away solves nothing.. standing my ground can often create more trouble than its worth… “I have a fight and flight strategy that I deploy when I need to… choosing what battles I can win over those that are futile… just because I prefer to stand up for myself & stand in my own defensible shadow… I have also had to images4TJUPUWBlearn that being the strong person that I am often makes me stand out and often makes me a target to the testing times of others… in the words of country singer Kenny Rogers ” You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run.”

I always try to teach those who I sit in therapy with to define if the reasons why that people do and say or even act out what actions and words that they do is because they themselves are struggling with inadequate moments or judgements in their own lives… sometimes a bully is a bully because he or she is also a victim of bullying and is acting out their frustrations or judgements on others to help them to define their own self worth… sometimes a bully is a bully because they just don’t give a shit who they hurt !


There are always going to moments when a bully keeps coming at you.. there will be times when no matter how many times you choose to walk away from a bully; there will always be another day or another moment where they will stand again in your face.

What Can I Do To Help Myself ??

– talk to an adult; a teacher, a parent or a trusted person, report incidents to someone in howrobotscan.jpgauthority (I hear that this can often make things worse).. find yourself that go to person… someone will hear you.

– keep a journal & write things down as they occur… keeping a journal will help as writing things down helps to keep your stories truthful and precise… writing helps you remember things and not your perception of how things went down.
(Write about what happened.. why and by whom ?)

imagesULS7CBG0– Avoidance. Take a different route home… (steer yourself out of a bullies path… self- preservation isn’t a sign of weakness its a sign that you just want to be left alone… hopefully they will get the message and get bored and find something else to occupy their time).

– Be Brave. Acting brave can sometimes stop a bully. (Stand up for yourself, but don’t add fuel to the fire… “please leave me alone” or “I wont be hurt by you” or “I will not fight with you” may be a strategy.

– Don’t Fight Back. Resist the urge to fight. (Always choose the high road and walk away from a fight when you can… resist the need to go to arms for as long as you can).images31ZPC61E.jpg

– Find a Friend. Stick with a friend. (Bullying hates audiences, bullies prefer to take people on when the victim has no one else is around them… bully’s often have their own groupies and very rarely choose to victimise another alone – safety in numbers).


images3HDUPTB2Bullying will never be an exact science… bullying doesn’t come with a clear definition of what it is or how or why it occurs… education on what bullying is and how it affects others is key… reminding people of the consequences of what bullying can create is often a big lesson and an even bigger learning factor that that help to detour people away from bullying.

– how we handle ourselves in the moments that we are being bullied… standing strong, don’t mouth off or verbally make the situation worse.

– how a bullies themselves act, we don’t always know why bullies bully… they themselves may have underlying issues that force them to ac out on others… they may just as well be choosing to bully so they can become popular within their peer groups.. we may never know the true reason for being bullied .

images8ZTXLVF5.jpg– bystanders themselves have a choice here also.. choosing to stand in and pull the victim of bullying out can put you in danger also .. but choosing to stand as a witness makes you no better than the bully themselves… bullies hate audiences and stronger groups of people…

– telling someone of authority… it’s agreeable that sometimes teachers and parents don’t want to become involved … sometimes early preventive measures can be the key to lessening bullying but people of authority need to learn that bullying has real consequences and that sweeping incidents under the carpet can often fuel a bullies fire as they become aware that there are no consequences for their actions.


Bullying is never ok. It’s hurtful and can impact someone for a long time. Remember, you’re not alone.bully8892.png

If you find yourself being bullied go into a workplace and ask for help, call the police and seek advice, talk to your family and friends, talk to our teachers of boss.. what ever you choose to do… Don’t become the one thing that you hate “The Bully” don’t become someone else’s reason for the tears that they shed. Be the friend that you would like to have for yourself…

A great resource that talks about bullying can be found here – (this resource is an animated video for students (9-13 years) which helps you learn what bullying is and what to do if you are bullied. Teachers can visit Resources/Lesson plans for supporting materials for the classroom.
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Download Video (right click “Save as…”) MP4 format
Download Transcript (right click “Save as…”) TXT format
Link  To This Video – https://bullyingnoway.gov.au/resources/videos/pages/videoplayer.aspx?VideoID=183
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Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 98 -“Your Name Becomes Indissoluble When It’s Written”

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We Are The

Creators Of Magic,
The Lovers Of Dawn
& The Keepers Of Light,
If Our Ink Falls Upon You,
You Shall Live Forever.

Today’s Pictured Quote’s Latin Translation:
“Verba Volant, Scripta Manent”

“spoken words fly away, written words remain – “spoken words might easily be forgotten but written documents can always be relied on for conclusive proof of the written words existence.”

Here is a word-for-word analysis of  the Latin translation of todays pictured quote
“Verba Volant, Scripta Manent.”

Verba
1.verbum Noun = word

Volant
1.volare Verb = fly

Scripta
1.scriptum Noun = something written, written communication, literary work
2.scribere Verb = write
3.scriptare Verb = write, compose

Manent
1.manere Verb = stay
2.manare Verb = flow, pour, be shed, be wet, spring
– – – – – – – – – –
Reference – https://www.latin-is-simple.com/en/vocabulary/phrase/2023

Another Translation Of “Verba Volant, Scripta Manent”
“spoken words fly away, written words remain – “spoken words might easily be forgotten but written documents can always be relied on for conclusive proof of the written words existence.”


“We are indeed the creators of written magic when we put pen to paper… the magic of the written worth can bring memories that are both happy (memory provoking) and sad (reluctant flash backs to time better forgotten).

When we talk & write about being lovers of dawn, we are talking and writing about the romantic nostalgia that sweeps over us when we find ourselves captured in moments that we find hard to forget and long for again in our awakeness.”


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I Absolutely adore this explanation, meaning, & or reasoning’s behind today’s pictured quote:

“We Are The Creators Of Magic,
The Lovers Of Dawn & The Keepers Of Light,
If Our Ink Falls Upon You,
You Shall Live Forever”

Latin Translation-

“Verba Volant, Scripta Manent.”

Verba Volant, Scripta Manent (“spoken words fly away, written words remain” ) is the words or rather the motto of a writer who truly loves every piece he pens down.

Verba Volant, Scripta Manent (words fly away, writings remain) is so much more than a simple motto, it means that when you want to make sure your words stay alive, you have to write them down. If you wants your pain to be felt, beyond what your presence can do, you should write them down. Words have always been the key to the world, but lies have become second nature for more. So for them Verba Volant, Scripta Manent (words fly away, writings remain), also means that their lies can be seen as the truth, as people tend to take printed words as honesty.

Words fly away, writings remain), means that you should understand that words do flyinkpen.png away, and some are meant to be in the sky, and not in your mind.

We are indeed the creators of written magic when we put pen to paper… the magic of the written worth can bring memories that are both happy (memory provoking) and sad (reluctant flash backs to time better forgotten).

Reference – http://www.vinovenitas.com/2014/11/22/verba-volant-scripta-manent


When we talk & write about being lovers of the dawn, we are talking and writing about the romantic nostalgia that sweeps over us when we find ourselves captured in moments that we find hard to forget and long for again in our awakenings. We yearn for the sentimental return of past days & or memories that serve to evoke feelings that once blanketed us with cherish loves or painful tears.

The Keepers of the dawn is symbolic to what we see and feel as we awaken to every days memorable moments, unforgettable thoughts, and of course the people, places and times that we know & love – the very things that give us inspiration for every written word that we write, sing, hear & feel.

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“I do  truly believe that when we are mentioned or scribed in a written peace of heart felt words that these words enter the universe with an indissoluble life span (indissoluble – impossible to take apart or bring to an end, or existing for a very long time). I think a written word is a lot like the death of a loved one, just because they have left our world as we know it doesn’t mean that they are no longer.”

“My personal belief on death is that a person isn’t truly dead or gone from our world until the last person whispers their name.”

So when the ink, led or painted stroke is spilled out on a page; you will forever remain within the written words scribed upon a page will remain indissoluble through years & time.

“Words bound for an indissoluble time
Cursed & spoken;
One word at a time.
Scripted in order to be remembered,
With no end or defined time.

Written By Tanya Kelly


The Power Of Words
By Omkar Atale

Words can make one happy,
Words can bend one’s mind;
Words can make one grumpy,
words can make one kind.

Words can illuminate a man,
Words can make one weep;
Words can hurt so much,
That a man cannot even sleep.

Words can hide the truth,
Words can strike the heart;
Words can provoke the youth,
To make a revolution start.

Words can give one freedom,
Words can push one to heights;
Only words have such powers,
To separate wrongs from rights.

Words are more than missiles,
That can make one just die;
but words, if hit, cause much damage,
That makes one forget to try.

Words before being spoken,
Are under our total control;
But after we speak the words,
We fall under their control!

Reference – http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/the-power-of-words-17


Bless The Written;
Blame The Pen
Love & Kisses
— Amen —


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Here Are A Few Of My Favourite Quotes That Inspire My Writing & My Written Thoughts:

“If there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet,
then you must write it.”
– Toni Morrison –
– – – – – – – – – – –
“One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.”
– Jack Kerouac, The Dharma Bums –
– – – – – – – – – – –
“Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.”
– Benjamin Franklin –
– – – – – – – – – – –
“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.”
– Anaïs Nin –
– – – – – – – – – – –
“A book is made from a tree. It is an assemblage of flat, flexible parts (still called “leaves”) imprinted with dark pigmented squiggles. One glance at it and you hear the voice of another person, perhaps someone dead for thousands of years. Across the millennia, the author is speaking, clearly and silently, inside your head, directly to you. Writing is perhaps the greatest of human inventions, binding together people, citizens of distant epochs, who never knew one another. Books break the shackles of time–proof that humans can work magic.”
– Carl Sagan –
– – – – – – – – – – –
“Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depth of your heart; confess to yourself you would have to die if you were forbidden to write.”
– Rainer Maria Rilke –
– – – – – – – – – – –
“Writers live twice.”
– Natalie Goldberg –


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 97 “Growing My Crone”

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growingmychrone.jpgToday’s blog submission’s title & reasoning’s came to me whilst I was in a conversation with two of my fellow online writing friends. We were busily chatting back & fourth about this and that when a question provoking a thought was offered up… “What word or descriptive name have you been named by, by others?”

Maggie was talking about how her friends related her to a “crone” – Maggie had at first thought (& so did Lauren & I) that a crone was a thing that resembled an out of this world oddly looking alien… we were very amused with each other & our thoughts on what a crone is or was… we then stopped giggling long enough to admit that we thought that a crone was something ugly and out of this world.

What Is The Meaning Of Crone?

The dictionary definition of the word of chrone is “an ugly old woman, hag or witch” – For a long time, to be called a crone was an insult. The very word implied a wrinkled, hunchbacked old woman, unwanted and unloved. Women who had reached an advanced age were dismissed as useless hags. Into today’s modern age and era being called a crone is a term of endearment.

A Crone is a woman concerned with life needs and necessities… i.e.. housing, healthcare, relationships with others. A Crone is a retired woman, a soon-to-be retired woman or one who still works, an empty nester who desires good health, a great life, and independence. A Crone is a woman who chooses to adapts to and embraces the process of aging; yet remaining in the feelings of feeling younger. A Crone is a woman who is comfortable with her spiritual self, her intuition, and her creative power.

A Crone may be a woman of any colour, race, religion, sexual orientation, economic status, educational level, lifestyle, or political persuasion. She may be disabled or abled, introvert or extrovert, single, married, widowed, or partnered. She is like you and me. What does set the Crone apart, however, is her willingness to tell the truth about her life.

Being called  a crone todays is a respectful word that means a woman has through her years has gained much wisdom from all that she has seen learned and had bestowed upon her. Today, the most common definition of a Crone is a “wise old woman.” Thus, a Crone is a woman who has moved past mid-life and who acknowledges her survivorship, embraces her age, learns from the examined experience of her life, and, most likely, appreciates the wrinkles on her face. Crone women refuse to be put down. They do not walk meekly on the road to old age. They are keen to assert their presence if not their influence.

A Crone is an older woman who has learned to walk in her own truth, in her own way, having gained her strength by acknowledging the power, wisdom compassion, transformation, healing laughter, and bawdiness that grows and burns within her… having a life that is made up of the totality of her experiences. She is “a wise old woman.

The word Crone is derived from the old word for crown, suggesting the wisdom that emanates from the head like a halo. Her own child baring days are past; she is the wisdom keeper, seer and healer and midwife, whose knowledge is sought out to guide others during life’s hardships and transitions. (Reference – https://www.goddess-guide.com/crone.html).

images1WL5SIV3.jpgThe concept of crone existed tens of thousands of years ago, when women’s life patterns were broken up into in three stages — Maiden, Mother, and Crone. The Maiden was the youthful, independent woman. The Mother was a woman who guided others, as a biological mother or as a teacher. The Crone was the postmenopausal woman who enjoyed a special, revered status. This elder woman was viewed as a fount of wisdom, law, healing skills, and moral leadership; her presence and leadership were treasured at every significant tribal ceremony and each personal occasion from birth to death. (Reference – https://www.cronescounsel.org/who-is-crone. Note:  in recent years some women’s groups have added “matriarch” as the third stage before Crone.  The Matriarch was the head of a family or tribe.

Crones, hags, and witches frequently were leaders, midwives and healers in their communities. The meanings of these three words, however, were distorted and eventually reversed during the 300 years of the Inquisition when the male-dominated church wanted to eliminate women holding positions of power. Women identified as witches, who were often older women, i.e. crones and hags, were tortured and burned, and the words witch, crone, and hag took on the negative connotations. (Reference – https://www.cronescounsel.org/the-ancient-crone).


I have indeed heard the word or the term “crone” prior to Maggie telling myself and Lauren today that her friends are known for relating her to and identifying her as a crone… but I do openly admit that my understanding of the word “crone” was still in the dark ages of when wise women and the word crone itself was directly linked to witch craft. There is something about me that has me in between stages of all the three stages of my own life’s patterns… I am busy writing each chapter of my life in a learning and wise manner; whilst living in awareness that I am planting the responsibilities and learning of each of my 3 stages of my crone’s life cycle into those who walk my well trodden path “learning from each chapter/stage & writing my life/learnings wisely.”
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I am on one hand a Maiden –  A youthful soul at heart who can still related and hold my own in my younger peer groups, I was very much a fiercely independent woman so many years ago but I have learned that marriage and family relationship had a need for me to become independent in helping my family grow but not be independent in the sense of going through my life alone as a single person…

Another part of me processes the Motherly part of me who is still raising my children and 609f9c77bdc3f898654322ff10edc375.jpg
choosing to liv my life within and for the good of my family.. I guide my family with love and support towards their life’s path.. with arms full of skills and teachings… that will help them in developing their own life’s meanings and pathways.

Then there is a small part of me that is starting to grown into my crone role… I am still a fledgling or a crone in training… I am not postmenopausal but there is a big part of me that
has experienced much throughout my 42 years of life. The roads that have led me through turbulent and cross winded paths have led me to becoming far wiser at times then my years have carried me.

As a counsellor I have learned the skills of giving advice and sitting in a silent stance whilst listening and guiding others to their own self actualised beings. I may not be old in terms of age, but my experiences and knowledge have given me skills of  wisdom, law, healing skills, and moral leadership; her presence and leadership… so whether I am a crone before my images0067IT03.jpg
time or I am a fledgling or a crone in training, my skills are indeed already instilled in me and I am ready for the years that will follow me on from my Motherly stages of my life cycle… I do call this stage that I am in “the fledgling stage” because I feel that I have tendencies and characteristics of all my 3 life cycle stages… I am not ready to stop being the youthful maiden who has the ability to fit in with the younger youth & I am certainly not through my Mothering years either… whilst my children may need me less and less as the years go by… I know that a Mother’s duty has no end… I am not a full fledge crone as I do not as yet have all the characteristics of a fully encircled crone… For me as long as I am here I might as well be content in playing a role in of my life’s 3 cycles… or unfortunately I would cease to be any of the 3 stages of my life cycle altogether.

I am not yet an older woman of age but my continued presence in my world and in the world of others has my many skills and learnings showing in and throughout my years of learning and growing in my life’s role where I gained the skills and abilities that wisdom, laws/morals, healing abilities and leadership can bring. My life is busy passing through my days and years… slowly growing my stars and stripes that will eventually turn my comforting and softly covered downy feathers into the unmoveable foundations of my youth & my life’s experiences.333crone.jpg

I still a nestling maiden who has fledglings neatly tucked into my downy feathers, they not being yet fully grown but they are more than capable of taking flights of trust on their own.. I am in hurry for their soft down to turn into the years where they take on their own life’s roles, they will be someday soon be ready to spread their wings…. but today is just not that day; just as I wont ever be ready to become my croning self… but time and stage of my life will come without any awareness that it has arrived.

I do however look forward to the years where I am held in esteem for the skills , the abilities the wisdom, the laws/morals, the healing abilities, the knowledge, the teachings and the leadership that I have had a hand in instilling into others… Someday soon I know I will no longer be known for being wise beyond my years.


Thank you Maggie – author of – https://fromcavewalls.wordpress.com & Lauren – author of – https://lssattitudeofgratitude.wordpress.com for our thought provoking conversations that have led me to write todays daily blog post titled “Growing My Crone.”

I appreciate you both immensely for the lessons and the knowledge of your years that you both share and pass onto me, you are both very worthy of the dedication that I have written here… “Croning Sista Scripta’s.”


” —- Ps. In a sense and if you follow me into my thoughts we 3 (Maggie, Lauren & I) make 333crone2.jpg
up the “Triple Goddess or 3 Stages Of Life” – they being The maiden, The Mother, & The
Crone…. each of all have a role I am the Maiden for I am still parenting and nesting… Lauren is the Mother – she has the teacher role and has much wisdom and teachings to share, she isn’t at this very moment ready to hang up her teachers hat… but retirement is the cross road that she  will soon be standing in the centre of & Maggie is the crone – A because her friends have told her that she takes on the wisdom role, they go to her and seek direction and advice… she also has entered retirement & is building a life for her in her own right —-“

Written By
Author. Tanya Kelly
& Croning Sista Scipta – Stages 1, 2 & 3
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 96 – “4 Months Of Blogging & Counting”

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I began creating these gifted awards for my fellow online writing group members. There was a group of who took on a 365 Day Blogging Challenge both with & alongside our mentor Maitri Libellule. Initially discussed with us as a group about how it would be great for us to all to have our own blog, working alongside each other in our own blogging/writing challenges; each with our own idea’s about what it is that we are would be sharing with each other, our reading subscribers our community… all whilst supporting each other in our journey along the way.

Well initially the first few days of my own 365 day blogging challenge was spent simply finding my way, getting each daily post written & posted. I worked hard at presenting content that would entice my readers and my fellow bloggers to my daily writes. I came into the challenge of writing everyday with nothing more than my heart on my sleeve and a hope that I would do nothing more but appease my own love of writing but what I found was a comradery and a group of people who spend their days and nights writing their own daily posts and then turned their hands to supporting the rest of our writing group… inspiring & supporting the worded journey of all our fellow writers.

Over a very short period of time we became a tight-knit community of woman; each of us writers in & on our own journey but together we became the driving force that spurred and inspired us all on in our journeys. We are a very diverse group of woman from all corners of the world, we share the love of writing and enjoy very much the company of each other and our written words.

As the first month went by we all settled in and began to find our stride… we each took on a degree of mentoring each other, answering questions and pushing the development of each of our daily writes towards the greatest of potentials that we all had in our own individual writes.

By creating these monthly encouragement awards I feel that I was playing my part in encouraging us all to stick with our 365 Day Blogging Challenge.

My relationships with many of my fellow daily bloggers was more than a comradery and far more than a group of people who banded together in the undertaking of a writing journey… they had in fact become my daily highlight, and they became a big part of my daily routine.

Many of my fellow writers offer up much of themselves in their thinking in and through their daily writes, I truly wasn’t expecting to grow the relationships that I have grown throughout my journey… I knew that we as a group of women writers had something special but I didn’t expect the comradery and the support systems that we all took the time to grow to develop as much as they had.

Gifting my fellow 365 Day Blogging Challengers a monthly merit of encouragement was for me just a small token of gratitude for all the support that not only was continually being bestowed on me but it was also for the encouragement and the sister hood  of “sista scripta’s” that grouped as often as they could to hold each other up in their daily mind grinds.

What began as a writing group that sat weekly in the company of each of us, gathering to write and listen to the words that we  offered to share had indeed developed into personal relationships built on the mutual love of our written words.

Many of us gather on a regular basis to touch base and continue on with supported our conversations that offer solutions and feedback to our writing and written thoughts… many of us are still journeying towards and to the end of the end days of our 365 Day Blogging Challenge. What was just over 100 days ago the beginning of a writing/blogging challenge is now the journey of scripted words and a comradery that will continue to develop into personal development through the sisterhood of our encouraging pens & typed words.

We are not just a writing group that has come together from the many corners of the world, we are the strength of every single word that we write and offer up to share in both our private conversations and in the words that we offer up in our daily blogging writes.

I may speak for myself but I feel that there will be a number of us that will remain friends and support systems to each other long after our 355 Day Blogging Challenge is ended. Many of us will continue to write and share what at the beginning of our weekly writing group brought forth many hidden away thoughts and feelings.

The monthly encouragement awards that I have drawn up for each of the past 4 months I will continue to draw up and present to my fellow writers until month 12 of our 365 Day Blogging Challenge, encouraging and supporting each of my fellow writers to the end.

Today’s daily blog post is a dedication & a thank you to each of the 365 Day Blogging Challengers who continue to support and offer up genuine friendships & comradeship in the challenge of finding our stride & voices in our journeys and our written words.

⋆ ✢ ✣ ✤ ✥ ✦ ✧ ✩ ✪ ✫ ✬ ✭ ✮ ✯ ✰ ★✰✯✮✭✬✫✪✩✧✦✥✤✣✢⋆

Day # 87 – Brink Of Madness

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There are somedays when I think that today’s pictured quote that reads “My thoughts may be on the brink of madness, but they all sound perfectly normal to me – By Christine .L. Starkweather – Reference – CLS Poetry – https://m.facebook.com/clspoetry

I have now doubt that we all as single human entities feel we are being seen as out there or as different from others that those people who stand in our shadows in judgment. 

I feel that I am drawn to the above pictured quote by”- By Christine .L. Starkweather – Reference – CLS Poetry” because “I have been told that writing is a lost art, a waste of time… that writing is a word filled talent that shows people can string words together; that writing becomes a talent too it’s author when she or he has no other talent to draw on.”

I have written since I was a child & whilst I have a few things published in published books, most of my writings are help in my own personal collection. I haven’t put a great deal of thought into being anything other that the self disciplined writer that I am… maybe someday I will think about putting pages to my unwritten book.

Harsh reality is than no one gives a shit if you can write or can string a sentence of words together… it is only when a writer becomes famous that he or she is rewarded with earnest critiques that explain why one writes are good or bad.


“Better To Write For Yourself & Have No Public, Than To Write For The Public & Have No Self.”


Personally “I Write Because I Like To Have Writing & Thinking Moments With My Mind My Soul & My Inner Child. – Tanya Kelly.”

People have from time to time been very critical of my daily writing routines, these people annoy me with their dislikes and ignorance’s of  what I love to do… these people who choose to be critical show  that they have a great deal of time to spend in judgement  and ignorance whilst having little dedication to of their own chosen loves or arts.

Write it you have the urge to
Write for you and no one else
Write till you are all worded out.
Listen to no other than the pen in your hand
& whatever you do

“Stick To What You Love… For someday you will find yourself
In the writings of your written words.”

Tanya Kelly


“I write to say the things
I need to hear.
To be my own advice,
When I don’t have
Anyone near.
I write to tell myself that
I’ll make it someday.
To prove to myself,
That all will be ok.”

– Author Unknown –


“I write to say the things
I need to hear.
To be my own advice,
When I don’t have
Anyone near.
I write to tell myself that
I’ll make it someday.
To prove to myself,
That this will all be ok.”

By Brianna Vigil


Written By
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com.

Day # 86 – Thank You Ernest Hemingway

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ernisthemingway

Today I pay homage to Earnest Hemingway – His written quote – “Write Hard & Clear About What Hurts. Don’t Avoid It. It Has All The Energy. Don’t Worry, No One Ever Died Of It. You Might Cry Or Laugh, But Not Die.” – Earnest Hemingway gave me an inner strength and a self-disciplined writer that I am very proud of.

January 8th 2018 was the day that I started my journey of returning back to writing every day… I have put my commitment to my writing to the forefront of my daily to-do list. So on January 9th I did start my journey of getting back to my writing…& on January 11th was I told myself that writing every day would be the best therapy that I could offer myself… writing would help me in the long run to unburden my heart, mind & soul… I knew that my commitment to my writing was there but it was always the mind’s fear of offloading my thoughts, feelings and souls hidden words that held me back from revisiting and re-committing back to my love of writing.

The quote – “Write Hard & Clear About What Hurts. Don’t Avoid It. It Has All The Energy. Don’t Worry, No One Ever Died Of It. You Might Cry Or Laugh, But Not Die.” – By Ernest Hemingway’s” was a quote that I stumbled across early in the return to my writing…  I didn’t have the conviction in my writings to pay homage to Ernest Hemingway’s words. Starting to write was always going to be my biggest barrier  but I knew that I had to start somewhere and Ernest Hemingway gave me the platform to door that has opened my soul to the inner depths of the words that I have for the longest time longed to write. Ernest Hemingway has become a big part of my daily writings and the journey has certainly changed who it is that I am… not only as a person but also as a writer.

How I hear you ask..? I thanks to Mr. Hemingway and my leap of faith of picking up my ehemmingway2.jpgpen again have become a calmer and a happier person inside & outside of myself. I have also noticed that my frustration levels have been able to take on an attitude change … I can see how much the burdens of my thoughts and feelings have been redirected and changed … they have been given permission to have their say.. to say from the heart what I have always dared not to say & at some unknown point my deep thinking’s and my writings became the changed and an awakening to all I held in deep. I have worked hard & dug deep at writing exactly what my heart had yearned to say..  I worked hard in trying to write with transparency as well as authentically as I could.

 

At times my daily writings left me feeling empty, emotional and very heavy-hearted… the reasons behind me feeling this way I believe that I knew that my writing my thinking’s & thoughts down and owning the burdens  would and could hurt others… the moral person in me made me feel that I was doing the wrong thing because other were bound to get hurt if my thinking’s & thoughts once again had the wrong eyes gazing on what had spilled out and on to the page… showing others another side to my version of the truth that they had previously not seen… altering their opinions and their beliefs.

I had for the longest time shied away from the journey of trampling through the dense jungles of my heart, mind and soul… I never did think about how it would feel to unburden myself from the in-depth stories that I had never before told. It never occurred to me how I in the aftermath would feel… I did indeed carry my inner pain and burdens around in a tightly packed suitcase and have worn it like a suit of armour… and as a security blanket that served to protect my inner self and me.

Ernest Hemingway gave me the self-discipline to “Write Hard & Clear About What Hurts. Don’t Avoid It. It Has All The Energy. Don’t Worry, No One Ever Died Of It. You Might Cry Or Laugh, But Not Die.” at first I wrote within the safety of a password protected forum… & out of the blue I yearned to have my journal & my daily writings join me in my journey. I always knew that getting back to writing and trusting my every thought to the nib of my pen was always going to the struggle that had me questioning what it was that I was doing… 

As months past I became more and more at ease with every pen stroke that I made… my empty pages and cursor adorned computer screen soon started to fill up its white spaces with written and unscripted thoughts…

Just this month of January I have celebrated my year anniversary of returning back to my love of writing. I have grown as a writer, and so has what I write about, I have added to my daily writing ritual many other writing tasks… I spend many hours of the day even in thought with a roughly written drafted page… & I am openly sharing many of my unforetold stories of my past.

I may never truly write myself into a healing place… there may forever be a lingering something that lets the light shine through the cracks that are now scars of yesterday’s past… but what was yesterdays burdens are todays lessons of inner self-love… & my lord what a learning experience and a year-long journey to becoming openly and self-aware has  it been.

I pulled my inner lost thoughts and feelings from deep within my soul… giving them a voice and tone and when the days were long and tough & I had little left on my tank… worded and pictured quotes saw me to a guided thought.. one borrowed thought and one word at a time became many.

 

I made a promise to myself not to give up… each and every day I pulled on my big girl panties and allowed my tears to stream… I gave ownership to my inner burdens 1 single authentic word at a time… my beginning commitment to my daily writes began at a 750 word a day count… and soon enough I found that my words and thoughts had grown into a scripted personality of their very own.

Through Earnest Hemingway’s life altering words I did exactly what they said… I Tanya Kelly pulled myself together and gave my self the gift of an empty book of paper & told myself to write… & when I found myself in my darkest hours… when the tears fell & blotched my page.. Earnest Hemingway’s words “Write Hard & Clear About What Hurts. Don’t Avoid It. It Has All The Energy. Don’t Worry, No One Ever Died Of It. You Might Cry Or Laugh, But Not Die.” kept me on the path to what was slowly unveiling me to my greater inner, calmer & loving self.

ehemmingway.jpg
I on occasion have based my writing journey on the teaching of another o Earnest Hemingway’s quotes …”I learned never to empty the well of my writing, but always to stop when there was still something there in the deep part of the well, and let it refill at night from the springs that fed it.” I have become more disciplined in my daily writings and I have learned to more thought-out and I have become more disciplined  & authentic in & throughout my daily writes, but I never leave myself without a list of un-thought-out thoughts… I write down my unworked thoughts and keep them unpublished for rainy days. I have vowed to read, write & think with my pen – ensuring that my learning & worded well never dries up.

Ernest Hemingway showed me that “All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” from the reading of this above quote I looked deep within me for just a starting word, a sentence or a deeply hurting thought, he taught me that simply beginning was the hardest part of  my heart-felt and life altering journey.

Through the prolific worded lessons of Earnest Hemingway I have learned that the power of writing can help ones inner hurting self to get what is “life’s burden”… out in the open where one can learn simply breathe.

For me, one of the most important things that I have learned is this… “If I don’t give myself permission to write every day then I am denying myself the right to live in a world where I am capable of resurfacing my paved road and coming to the crossroads of my life where the decision of where to next is mine.”

I am indeed a work in progress and my deepest thoughts and feelings are being re-storied and given lessons that life has handed me a far greater view to look at. I am the young seedling that has been planted into the clearing of the me; of whom I once was.


Today’s daily blog post pays homage to Earnest Hemingway – a daily write titled
“Write Hard & Clear About What Hurts. Don’t Avoid It. It Has All The Energy. Don’t Worry, No One Ever Died Of It. You Might Cry Or Laugh, But Not Die.” – Earnest Hemingway gave me an inner strength and a self-disciplined writer that I am very proud of.
Ernest-Hemingway-Quotes-2.jpg

Thankyou Earnest Hemingway for your worded and scripted teachings… you are the shining light that steered me in the direction that has me uncovering me. Earnest Hemingway I am sitting down, writing daily and am learning the skills of sitting down and writing the bleeding words that live within me.


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com 

Day # 85 – “I Can Do It” – Louise Hay – 365 Days Of Daily Affirmations (Jan 3rd)

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I was gifted a present for Christmas.. from my blogging buddy Lauren, Her gift was a 365 daily affirmation calendar by Louise Hay – Titled “I Can Do It.”

So I was on receivership of Lauren’s well packaged “contacted” (book wrapping/covering) covered package.. I told her that I would embark on a writing journey where I would go day by day through the 365 day affirmations calendar  (with no sneaky peaky looksie’s at what affirmations are coming up).

So for each day of Louise Hay’s 365 Day Affirmation Calendar I would sit & write something for each written affirmation page that I turn.

So today being January 1st… Louise Hays daily affirmation was…” I Now Do Work That I Love. And I Am Well Paid For It.”

©Louise Hay “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations


What this written quote by Louise Hay says to me is this:-

There has come a time in my life where I have had to comes to terms with how my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis is, has & will affect me in not only my personal and working lives but more importantly in my yesterdays, in my today’s & in my tomorrow’s.

I will never say that having the commitment of a job to go to is something that I wanted for me.. I never thought or saw coming; the struggles that my diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis would bring…. just lately “My Story” has began kicking my ass.

I know write in the form of daily journaling, blogging, writing poetry, morning pages as well as other writing avenues.. “I Love My Daily Writing Workload… & My Pay Check Isn’t In Monetary Value… It Is In The Gifts Of My Calmer Mind, Heart, Soul, Thoughts & Of Course The Biggest Pay Check Is In The Fear That My Inner Child No Longer Feels.


So there it is my daily blog based upon Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations. (Dated January 3rd).

So thanks a bunch Lauren for getting my cogs spinning in a moment of self giving. A writing journey that will show me that the inner power & attitude of “I Can Do It” does indeed live in me.

I will be from time to time be sharing what I write in my writing journey of Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations. I am inspired explore my thinking’s and thoughts as well as what the meaning of Louise Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations in a 365 day writing challenge.

Written By
Author.
Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress

Day # 84 – “I Can Do It” – Louise Hay – 365 Days Of Daily Affirmations (Jan 1st)

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I was gifted a present for Christmas.. from my blogging buddy Lauren, Her gift was a 365 daily affirmation calendar by Louise Hay – Titled “I Can Do It.”

So I was on receivership of Lauren’s well packaged “contacted” (book wrapping/covering) covered package.. I told her that I would embark on a writing journey where I would go day by day through the 365 day affirmations calendar  (with no sneaky peaky looksie’s at what affirmations are coming up).

So for each day of Louise Hay’s 365 Day Affirmation Calendar I would sit & write something for each written affirmation page that I turn.

So today being January 1st… Louise Hays daily affirmation was… “I Am Moving Into A New Era Of Life That Is Far More Satisfying Than Anything I Have Experienced Before. This Is Just The Beginning Of An Amazing Year.”

©Louise Hay “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations


What this written quote by Louise Hay says to me is this:-

For me 2019 will deliver me the okayness to be me… standing strong within my moral and standing even taller in my own convictions… whilst I have always been very headstrong and capable of standing up for my beliefs there is a part of me that is hidden from others is the side of me that is an independent people pleasure…

On one hand I am outwardly independent and stand proudly that I rely on very few fo my existence in this world…. some see this quality in me as that of me being stubborn and driven to prove a point but there is a small part of me that knows that this quality isnt about being and or proving that I am strong minded & willed …. for me being stubborn is my self defence wall that is afraid of others seeing my vulnerabilities out of fear of reprisal and the misuse of the powers that my vulnerabilities may harbours.

On the other hand I am but just s speckled bleep of human existence. I bleed just like everyone else on this planet… and I certainly feel pain like everyone else does.. but what few people see from me is how hard I can truly cry… I may appear strong  and even stronger willed… but I am very much the opposite to who others see me as.

Self confidence is how many see me… strong minded, strong willed and morally driven but the true and rarely seen me is child like and scared of physical, mental, social & relationship abandoning… I am very much afraid of coming unravelled… I am afraid of the unseen characteristics that may come of my unravelling… afraid of the unknown and afraid of what will come of the instability of my loss of self control.

So day 3 of Louise Hay’s 365 Day Calendar Affirmations brings me to say this about todays daily affirmation… 2019 is about me standing & giving myself the okayness to let the things that I am afraid of not be the parts of me that I keep hidden … I want to give myself the support that I feel that I deserve… but the biggest part of me letting go of my outward self confidence is becoming ok with the consequences that my vulnerabilities may exposes.

In 2019 the new era of me want to learn how to say no! … & I want to find the inner strength to learn… learning what saying no will bring & I want 2019 to be the year that my decisions and my needs either come first outweighing the many needs of those around me…

2019 for me tells me that  I want to be my priority and that I want to be the receiver of my much needed long standing in the wind needs.

“ I am moving into a new era of life that is far more satisfying than anything I have experienced before. This is just the beginning of an amazing year! ” … this whole year will be new territory for me… will my self’s self promotion make me the target of the misgivings and misunderstandings of others… to become my priority I have to find  the inner strength to be ok with the consequences of me becoming my own priority…. and letting others deal with their own difficulties in accepting that I am entitled to stand in a line for my share of personal time.. just as others are.

An “Amazing Year” mmm  well with no negative or double meaning… bring on 2019… I am ready to become my own priority.


So there it is my daily blog based upon Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations. (Dated January 1st).

So thanks a bunch Lauren for getting my cogs spinning in a moment of self giving. A writing journey that will show me that the inner power & attitude of “I Can Do It” does indeed live in me.

I will be from time to time be sharing what I write in my writing journey of Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations. I am inspired explore my thinking’s and thoughts as well as what the meaning of Louise Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations in a 365 day writing challenge.

Written By
Author.
Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 83 – Pep Talk Day

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Very few words were spoken today, instead I spent the day pep talking myself, giving myself the strength and the time out that I needed to find inner peace within me.

Firstly this pictured quote that I am found strength in writes:

“Respect your body when it’s asking for a break.
Respect your mind when it’s seeking to rest.
Honour yourself when you need a moment.”

Author.
Notes Creator

This pictured quote gave me the greatest strengths today.. it told me in a symbolic embrace to see myself and my body’s pain in all it’s here’s and now’s… let the trying moments of my hurting days to be allowed to take the break that it needs to replenish its strength. This Pictured quote was a message that gives me the message of “learn to respect me and how my body feels and needs time to heal.”

This self respect message came to me when I needed it most… I have been pushing hard to be all to everyone – putting myself way past the end zone of my own needs. “I know I need a moment to find the time that my body needs to build up the strength that it needs to carry me on through to the junction in my road. Its time to listen to my body… and today I heard it loud and clear.


img_3165.jpgIn this pictured quote the message that has the following words scribed into it says:

The strength of your soul
Was born on the backs of moments
That brought me to my knees.

Author.
S.L. Healon

The message that was delivered to me in this pictured quote was a strong reminder of how I became me.

I have indeed seen some of the worst sides of human nature and the behaviours that make up people. I have indeed been hurt and felt the greatest of pains both in my heart and throughout my body… so what this pictured quote reminded me of is the many times that I have been brought to my knees, but have found the strength and the courage to bring myself to an upright position, placing my head high and my eyes set firmly on the path that was ahead of me…

Proving to me that even at the worst stages of my life I was able to be my own backbone and I am here today because I chose not to give up on any of my previously hard days.


img_3168.jpg
When Life’s challenges become harder,
Challenge yourself to become stronger.

Author.
Unknown

This week I have had to learn to breathe deeply… my week delivered me and Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis – “My Story” an ass kicking and a reality check into what happens when I don’t listen to my body need to say enough is enough… I failed to heed my bodies warning signs and it in return decided to turn the outcome into a lesson of gruelling pain.

My body challenged me emotionally, physically and mentally this week & it has left me a little weaker than I would like.. but I have learned the message that it was screaming at me “I know now that I must take time out for my body to catch its breath and pace”… I will indeed take this weeks challenges and lessons and be the mindful strength that my body and I need.


img_3160-1.pngThis pictured quote is a quote that I found whilst looking for memes that relate to Multiple Sclerosis.

This meme’s Author is.
MSMultipleSclerosis.net

Ms continually challenges me
To find balance between
Pride & Humility.

I wrote the following this week in another written blog post:

I guess I now know what extreme heated days , fatigue & Multiple Sclerosis can do to a person… what I haven’t said is that I have also lived with my light weight cardigan in my lap this week… because I have not only had extreme heated body temperatures taking me out of the realm of my comfort levels… I have also had moments where my temperatures plunged to the ground and had me putting my cardigan and socks on and off… I must have looked like an igloo man coming out of the Antarctic lands straight into the desert waste lands and only to return back again to blazing sun heat days.

I know that there will be days when my Ms symptoms will spend the days peeking to their highest levels of annoyance… pushing my pain level and my tolerance to the to the highest level of my pain threshold… but I am optimistic & hoping for a better week.. emotionally, physically, mentally & socially… this Truly was my worst week ever since my Ms Diagnosis… I am hoping to not have many more of these days… “Here’s Hoping For A Better Week.

This week has taught me a valuable lesson in asking and in seeking help… the heated days and nights defiantly took e beyond my limits… I knew that I was feeling week, but it is never me to give up… but I know now that continuing on and pushing myself harder to complete my daily’s jobs was the very thing that undid me and turned my bad days into nightmare driven painful moments that took 6 days to come through.

I am to proud for my own good… I don’t like asking for help… I knew that I needed it but my pride forbid me to ask for it… yes I had a low level outlook of my own needs and importance.. I took my body for granted and it gave me a spin rinse and wash.


This pictured quote depicts what it is that I have leant this week in my trying times and how I should prevent a repeat of this week happening ever again.

When I am resting

On a “Fare Up Day”
I need to remember that I am not wasting the entire day doing nothing.
I am doing exactly what I need to do.
I’m recovering.

Author.
Unknown

Simply putting it I walked the long road to learning the words “Not Today”
I pushed my body and my mind set out of their pyjamas and right back into the rat race of life…
I took it upon myself to allow myself to feel that others were relying on me to be me and to simply get things done
… when my body needed rest it screamed and screamed… falling on deaf ears my “flare up” became my bodies enemy and it certainly took care of me…

It is usual for me to feel guilty for the things that I didn’t get done throughout my day..
& being told that I am lazy or relying to heavily on other to see that my needs and wants are met; serves to spur me on and pushes me out of my rest. I thought that I was a person who cared little for the what others had to say… but clearly my thoughts are incorrect or I would have stayed in bed to rest.

Taking a day here & there doesn’t mean that I am lazy… I know this oh so well
When my body signals its warning signs
I now know to stop & listen.

Rest isn’t for the weak or lazy,
It’s for the greater good  of this vessel that I call my soul & body.


There are so many lessons and words of advice that I could offer to those who are standing on the outskirts of a loved one or a person in their midst… giving them the knowledge of what it it is like to have a life altering illness… but I think my time would be better spent encouraging them to hear the many messages that scream to with in no-verballed tones to simply lend a hand…

Firstly the worst thing that a person could tell a person with a life altering illness is  to “tell them to get over it”
There is a degree of ignore in the toned voice of these very words… why instead of watching the struggle don’t you just get down to a struggling person’s out stretched hand ” & help them get through it…”


Another important lesson that I would surmise to teach is:-

Never underestimate
The pain of a person,
Because in all honesty,
Everyone is struggling.
Just some people are
Better at hiding it
Than others.

Author.
www.healtyplace.com

Not every  persons pain is visible and no two people feel pain in the same way… and for some people (myself included) we choose to keep our inner struggles and our inner woe’s to ourselves – preferring to suffer in silence then to see pity and disgust on the faces of the people we love and trust).

Truth be known we are all struggling in some way shape or form… no-one has the perfect life of no aches, pains or groans… empathy & compassion will go further in the
life and world of someone needing a moment of care and understanding.

A written quote by Lupie Linda sums up my every thought…

When you have a chronic illness,
How you feel Changes from day to day,
Hour to hour
& even minute to minute.
I never Know how I’ll feel.

For those standing on the outskirts of a person with a chronic illness; it may seem that plans get changed or even broken … and that excuses of tiredness and exhaustion are the words that are often spoken… “I read a meme just this week that said.. no matter how much rest I may take, my tired symptoms rarely leaves me to just be me.”

Lessons Learned In Life writes on their meme the following words of wisdom and offers upimg_3179.jpg a great word of advice:

No matter what you do
Someone will always talk about you.
Someone will always question your judgement.
Someone will always doubt you.
So just smile and make choices
you can live with.

I say right on  “Lessons Learned In Life”… run your own race at your own pace… listen to everything that you are told and hear, divide it in half, throw one half away and what you will be left with; is what you know and believe is the truth.

I have gained much personal insight this week into how it is that I cope when I am in grips of strong handed pain… and I have most defiantly seen myself in the grasp of unrelenting pain… I have seen the not so likeable me pushing to offer assistance as far away from me as I could get them… I have seen those around me struggling to take away my pain… I have seen as I have yelled and screamed that no one can hear the words that scream out “I Need help !”

I have also learned another very valuable lesson that cuts me to my core.. & that would be well founded in the words of the bellow written quote:
img_3182-e1548086246840.jpg
My biggest regrets in life are
Being to damn nice,
Apologising when I didn’t do anything wrong
& making unworthy people
A priority.

What I Learned this week in the depths of my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis’s death grip is what true humanity, love and plain & simply who gives a shit…

I have been in a position to watch the people that I love and know be in position of unmeasurable pain… I cant ever remember a time when I turned my back and simply walked away… it may be true that pain changes who it is that we are, and how it is that we act when we are brought to the kneeling stance praying for a moment to breathe… but nothing has prepared me for the ignorance that some blank faces have shown me… my diagnosis of PPMS has shown me the raw bones of my inner smile…

There is so much strength in a person who is seen the strength of strong pain… there is even a far greater strength on those who use their pain to find the inner strength to stand and scream “wow.. shit what a ride” – laughing at the grips that tighten around their every in and outed breath.

I so hope with hand on my heart hope that this weeks onslaught of weathered heat and body driven by Ms pain never meets again… I certainly have had my share of ups and downs and I have seen my sanity take a dive… but the one thing that I take from this weeks painful body blows is that I am strong and very capable of standing and admitting to my deep and raw pain… I appreciate that I could see the bad side of hat my pain can do to me… and I can appreciate now the lessons that I should have all along been listening to… that sixth sense that tells me something’s can sit on the back burner that it is time for my body to rest.

This week was most certainly a week of  humility smacking my pride in its face.

“Now, every time
I witness a strong person,
I want to know;
What darkness did you
Conquer in your story?
Mountains do not rise
Without earthquakes.”

Author.
Katherine MacKenett
The Minds Journal

I was that person that the above written quote talks of, just this week in my
“Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis’s Earthquaking Journey”

Whilst I may have seen the inner darkness of my pain and it’s tolerance, I know that I will never conquer my “Ms Story” or the path that lies in its ruins… but I am a witness to my own body’s lessons and now it is up to me to find the time to sit in the wake of my pain delivered memories and learnt what it is that my body is telling me.

I will finish  today daily blog submission off with a quote that I saw today.

” Bend Don’t Break Be Flexible Yet Stand Firmly Rooted “

oh yah before I forget… here is my final thought

” wow.. Shit What A Ride “


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 82 – Can Dementia Forge Forgiveness?

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Here Is Some Background To My Today Daily Blog Entry

There was a time so long ago when the phone would ring and I would be happy to hear your voice asking me how was my day…

Then without waning the heavy rain clouds just holding onto their accumulation of evaporated water from the earths atmosphere… burst open up and stormed their way back to the earth & grounds below…

The above is my euphemism is for the “family battling quests” that would rain down into and onto the seemingly civilised family conversations that of course threatened to cause tirades of hurtful words & times.

I battled on for so many years coming and going from the table that often swayed between the good time celebrations and the inevitable 6 monthly down trodden finger pointing moments.

I at time struggled under the unclear &  muttered words of love that were barely spoken but where implied that they existed… I struggled to accept the hugs and the greetings that came my way but seemed empty in their embrace… I eventually began to see a pattern forming and at some point & within a few months into my loving relationship; I knew at the slightest of glances that the time for family gatherings and laughter would soon be replaced with harsh words, angry faces and distances that would span on for the minimum time of 6 months (at the longest point there was a 6 year feud).

So Here I Am Today… & Here Is My Conundrum…

Just the other day in one of online groups I decided to take my turn at a mentored moment. I raised my hand with the symbolic icon knowing very well that I would probably not get picked; there were from what I was seeing a far greater number people also awaiting their chance to speak… & that had in fact been waiting in line instead of waiting in their minds like I had been prior to me getting some Dutch courage to raise my hand.

Hello Tanya I heard… if I wasn’t already sitting on the floor in front of my stacked coffee table full of my days daily to do list … I think I would have fallen from my chair…

I had a topic but no real thoughts behind my mentoring seeking moment… I did think about what I would say if I was chosen from a room full of willing participants… but had no real plan in delivering my thoughts, so I caught myself in the pictured view of my recorded moment on camera… good one I thought… “at the very least you could have remembered to get suitably dressed” so i plucked up the courage and began to speak…

If someone you love has come and gone from your life through harsh moments and poorly miss spoken words… attacked you with all their cruelness and kept you on the side lines until they needed you to around… how could a person with their sanity unassured ever return back to the scene of the crime .. the very place where you were just an insignificant object and just another mouth to feed at an ever so beautifully dressed ns seated table…

I caught myself and realised that these words I didn’t actually speak…I was mumbling in mindless thoughts but no words were coming out of my mouth… my bottom lip trembled as it often does when I don’t have the answers to life’s questions… I knew that I had to hold back the tears that have forever laid dormant and hidden… I’m not a crier but I could feel my eye lids pooling… all eyes were upon me…

I began to speak out loud… and I started to ask my question that wasn’t very well thought out… I stumbled and my words were jumbled… and a small trickle of soldiered tears rolled down by pink flushing cheeks. Deep inside I was actually pep talking myself and asking myself a barrage of small talk questions “How can a person forgive someone for the harshness that they have for so many years spoken..? How can I possibly help out a person who has all but destroyed me..?”

Funny enough none of the questions above rolled off my “heart hurting earth burnt tongue” but eventually after a stuttered start… out come the question that I put out into the open supported room… ” How Is It That I Can Forgive A Person Who After 25 Years Of Being Married To Their/His/Her Son Has Been Given The Diagnosis Of Dementia?? & all of a sudden they now feel the stretch of my distance & they now are feeling the burden of loneliness and unwontedness. (broadly speaking – Dementia is a broad category of brain diseases that cause a long-term and often gradual decrease in the ability to think and remember that is great enough to affect a person’s daily functioning).

The background to my question happened just a few days ago…

hands.pngAfter a span of nearly 2.5 years I get a phone call from a local police officer seeking me out… he proceeded to tell me his name and told me that he has in his company at his own personal home my Mother-In-Law who had given him my name and asked for his to give me a call… he told me how he got my number (she was unable to provide that) and proceeded to say that my Mother-In-Law had presented to him confused claiming that she no longer lived in the house that she has lived in for nearly 8 years… that was located just across the way… as my Mother-In-Law and the police officer were neighbours he did for her all he could… after making her feel supported safe and comfortable he called me and tells me that my mother-in-law was asking for me that I would know what to do for her in her time of need.

As I am not privileged to all the family’s comings and goings I told him what I knew of her medical diagnosis of dementia. I felt a tear roll down my cheek & questioned quietly to myself “why me… ? She hates me… she hasn’t spoken to me in such a long time”

I sternly looked at myself as I passed the mirrored stand to the dresser in my room… of course I will come I uttered… I knew & thought it was the right thing to do to fill the neighbourhood policeman in that my mother- in-law were indeed in a long moment of not talking…

I caught myself in my moment of outspoken thought and said of course I will come… i wiped away my tears and knew oh to well that if she was seeking to see me that she was truly needing help.

I ushered instructions of where I was going to my children without going into any details for why I was going there… of course they were suspicious… they knew that their Grandmother hadn’t been in their lives for sometime. Calling my Hubby, I ordered my husband without reason to come home… he knew that I wouldn’t just have called for no reason… but all that he got from my conversation is your mum needs our help.

I muttered a few words to my online friend.. there was no need for explanation as she has heard my stories plentifully… I was so un-thought out but I made my apologies for having to put off our live and on camera weekly meeting…

With orders barked and my meeting cancelled a quickly brushed the wild out of my hair… I put on a splash foundation in hopes that I could hide my tear lines… I was dressed, smelling nice and pushing my now home husband out our front doors entry.

That is my story of just a few days ago when my “Found In A Confused State – Mother-In-Law asking for me to come see her… to help her… for in her say so… I would know what to do.


img_3187.jpgToday as I was researching for written thoughts for my daily writings & here is what it said:-

You can forgive someone
And yet not want anything to do with them.
People need to understand
That forgiveness is for past reconciliation,
Not for future consideration

Authored By: Attitude To Inspiration


I am not confused or questioning if I want to be at my mother-in-laws side to help her through her toughest days & I am certainly not questioning why it was that at a moments notice did I drop everything to be there.. to help her.. to take her home… to place a moment of trust and caring back into her confused mind.

My questions now that now dig away at me are leaving my eyes wide open at night.
I lay at night wondering if she and her diagnosis of dementia are at the stage where her mind is slowly slipping by… do I actually have it in me to forgive her one last time?

Is the she still present or is her dementia the present occupant of her mind? Does she at all remember the years that we haven’t crossed paths? Is it her or her altered state that I should find it in me to forgive….?

I do have some hidden questions that I feel are just a tad selfish and I do feel wrong for even writing it but I would truly like to know the answer to the questions that keep me up at night… Is the mother-in-law that she is to me aware of all the wrongs that have been made? Is she aware of all that’s been said and if she isn’t at all able to remember what and how much do I tell her? How do I answer her someday questions without her having to relive her part of parts in our distant relationship all over again or maybe even for the first time.. ONE MORE TIME???

Lastly my final questions I am aware that I may never get an answer to…

How Can I Simply Forget, & Be Left Alone With Yesterdays Hurtful Memories… ???
Am I To Go It Alone In Memory Flash Backed Mind…??
How can I become ok in my acceptance of yesterdays wrong doings & be there there to be the comfort… the family member & loved one that I can obviously and clearly see that she is seeking and will someday soon may be needing?

This Blog post was a heart challenging moment full of questions that are directed to no forgive-and-forgetother than myself and my hearts beating conscience… can I move towards forgiveness even if it means that I am the only one that will actually have the memories of my 25 years of hurtful and family altering pain…? Only time will tell I guess… but I know one thing for sure and that is no matter which way I sway… “either I go to her or I don’t – either I find it in me to forgive her – or I choose that I cant” fences and bridges cannot be mended and rebuilt sitting on my ass in front of my computing seeking answers from this very blog post…. I have pep talked myself long enough.. and I have made the choice to go visit with her again and go from there after we have good old heart to heart.

The only thing I know for sure is this…” I maybe able to find it within my heart of hearts to forgive the reasons for the lessons that I have been taught, but as for the lessons themselves I may never be able to forgive the hurts that they have caused.

Can Dementia Forge Forgiveness??? Only Time & The Testing Of The Waters Will Tell Me The Answers To My Lengthy Questionings.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 81 – “Me The Paradox” – A Writing Exercise On The Opposites That Make Up Me

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One of my favourite psychology theorists is Carl Rogers..
he wrote the following quote that I feel sums me and my everything that I am up in a few words of meaningful text. (I came across the pwritten pictured quote when I was studying for my Counselling course & qualifications).
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“She is a paradox.
She is faithful and yet detached.
She is committed and yet relaxed.
She loves everyone, and yet no one.
She is sociable but also a loner.
She is gentle and yet tough.
She is passionate but can also be platonic.
In short, she is predictable in her unpredictability…”

She is faithful and yet detached.
She is committed and yet relaxed.
She loves everyone, and yet no one.
She is sociable but also a loner.
She is gentle and yet tough.
She is passionate but can also be platonic.
In short, she is predictable in her unpredictability…”

Author – Unknown


In my day-to-day life I work hard to there for others where I humanly can be… offering up my time and self to help when and where I am needed, but what others cannot see in me is the paradox that lives deep within.. the very part of me that I hold back from the eyes of others.

I feel that I work hard in my personality to be the very person that I need to be for the people around me to see me as loving, giving and worthy of feeling safe around… but there is a huge part of me that lays safe in my own depths secretly hidden away from others and their emotional woes. I always have a small percentage of myself hidden and held in reserve for the days where I need to have a certain pick me up / a reserve for the bad days where my energy and emotional state needs to be nurtured. The very person that I am on the outside… the person that I portray myself to be; in the eyes of others is so very self-assured a stable, yet flexible in her own abilities… but deep down I am a scared and uncertain version of myself that is paranoid by failure and being seen by as anything other than being committed to being the best that I can be… I do not seek or promote that I am perfect.. and I truly do not wish to be perfect… but for me being told that I am far lesser of a person than actually am is the most heart-rending emotional attack that could ever be projected at myself.

The exhaustive reflective self that I am at the end of the day is so very harsh on herself… I am not negative towards myself… but it is so very difficult to see the positive self in the world where I am at most times of every event or happening that encircles my life.

How am I a paradox of myself…?
well I in myself feel that I am the total opposite of my outer self… I give my all at all times, striving hard to make the life of others around me meaningful and worthy of being remembered and treasured…
Yet the paradox of this is I struggle hard to understand why I give what I do, why I feel that others deserve what I figure them to be the worthy receivers of…
I to many people seem to be the extrovert,
the person who makes the decisions and brings everyone together
but the paradox of this side of me is that I am naturally quiet and a person who would rather keep to herself rather than being in the forefront of everything…
I am in most cases the giver of much and at times far more of a giver then I should be…

but there is a part of me that is left standing like a child with empty hands … I have to be my own giver in most instances of my life and struggle hard to see the many people being given to me before I am even considered.

I hate feeling lost in where I fit in, I hate feeling that I see my necessary need for me to be in this family and in the lives of others around me… but I certainly see a huge degree of disconnectedness in the environments that I exist in.

To others, I show that I am emotionally together..
that I have the 3 children, the husband the house (life’s ideals that everyone wants)…
& to me I just get so frustrated that people feel that they can tell via their words that I am unworthy of receiving my life’s treasures …
I in most occurrences of people telling me of how lucky I am for having all that I have just want to scream at them telling them how friggin rude they are being… going further into telling them that they hypocritical and judgemental of the life that their ignorance steers them away from….
but true to form my paradoxical self-kicks in and without much more than” its all been hard work, long hours and much rewards” muttered under my breath I just let it be…

There is s huge paradox In myself that many people take for granted and that is my attitude paradox. The person is stuck between the good and bad attitude that I do possess … even in my “angel – devil self” I can switch between having the attitude and have it come in and out of it being hidden at any one time…
I am very much in control of my attitude and for my paradoxical attitude it always exists but I am only ever able to control the degree of how far I go in the deliverance of my attitude and how far I am willing to go when I need to bring it out..

So in my daily write, my quoted statement is
“She is a paradox. She is faithful and yet detached. She is committed and yet relaxed. She loves everyone, and yet no one. She is sociable but also a loner. She is gentle and yet tough. She is passionate but can also be platonic. In short, she is predictable in her unpredictability…”


” Here Is What I Mean When I Say That I Am A Paradox Of Myself “

I am the opposite of who I am and how I am perceived by others…

I can hold myself well in both roles but I am more comfortable being the me that I hide from others but being an extrovert at times just happens to get shit done.

She is faithful – yet detached Well, I am indeed very faithfully involved in my marriage and put his needs way ahead of my own… I give so much to many people and push hard for my own self-made family to see the worth and need of others also. I see the greatness in people but can very much see the worst in them also… What makes these two a paradox is that although I seemingly connect with people I work very hard to not allow people to never get to close to me, never get to know the real me… I keep many people at arms distance and allow very few in. Self-preservation or self-security maybe but it is just my preference, my path, my way, this is the detached part of me.

She is committed yet relaxed…
this statement doesn’t resonate with me much … but if I had to say something here it would be that I am always committed to doing my best for anyone at any time – but struggle hard to fulfil the commitment that I should show to making myself happy… I always put the needs of others first .. and more often than not leave myself behind in the race… I can honestly say as for the relaxed part of this quote… that I am far too highly strung to be relaxed… my mind doesn’t allow inner relaxation to filter through too often.

She loves everyone.. yet no one… I certainly yearn to have people around me… and absolutely adore many things about many people.. in my giving, I have been hurt so often and when asked if I can forgive I often respond with yes I can but I shall never forget and certainly can never place myself into the same group of people again. I keep these people close enough to know what they are up to but not close enough to be friends with them. Once bitten twice shy kind of thing. I love the friendships that I have and treasure them with all that I can am but rarely allow myself the putting myself and my feelings on the line to make the friendships that my heart yearns for. I prefer my small circle of friendships as I know what to expect from them.

She is sociable but also a loner… mmm so very me!! ….. happy to play my part in social groups and meetings with others but will not seek to make friends with others just because I can…If you will I rather not put myself on the line to fill myself and my world with friendships that may or may not be truthful and honest in their giving.

She is gentle yet tough…. often gave a been called a hard-headed person… tough against people who have downtrodden my world and my path… tough in the fact that I don’t take shit from many people ( obvious to me that I take more shit from people then I allow myself to admit to) but the paradox of me being seen as tough and hard-headed is that I am such a giver to everyone around me… I treasure people more than people know and see.

She is passionate yet can be platonic… very much me us this paradox… I hate to admit it that I have built my world around my husband and hate that I am so deeply attached to him that he is the existence that I breathe… I have never allowed myself 100% connectedness to one person as I have with Steve …. there are in many other friendships that I have with other people have a huge degree of separation from the people around me… that even though it seems that we are friends to them… I see them as people I know… people who I occasionally associate with but have no deep connections with them. I keep them at arm’s length and see them when it suits me… but the feeling makes  no difference to me or our friendship.

I am So.. “predictable in my unpredictability” In a nutshell people think that they have me, my thoughts, my emotions worked out in their own minds and understandings… and this can in most instances be far from the truth… my walls… my thoughts, my feelings, my behaviours are very unpredictable in the understandings of the many people around me or by the very people who claim that they know me.

So here it is… my thoughts on my Paradoxical Self and my submission of today’s. Tomorrow I am sure another curtain to me and my inner self will open up and show the raw deep inner vulnerability’s that make up me.


There Is todays daily write; a writing exercise that explores the oposites that make up me.
“Me The Paradox”

My paradox’s are not made up versions of myself & they are most definantly not lies; they are snippets of myself that leaves my vulerbility hidden deep within but leaves room for the reveal of who it is that I am to come out and be seen once comfort and security with others is sought and found. I am at all times truthful to the people that I meet, I just hold my heart of cards close to my chest.

Interesting Perspectives Of Myself Hey!

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 80 – Way To Go Ms… “You Kicked My Ass & Took Me To The Peek Of My Tolerance”

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What a week hey… such an exhausting week both mentally and emotionally… spurred on by Australia’s sunburnt country weather…imagesreo7bdhk.jpg

This week in Sydney the temperatures have ranged from 36 – 45 degrees… the days are long and spent eating ice-blocks and sucking the cool air up from the air conditioner… our fans are busily working overtime and there never seems to enough cool air or personal space for the airspace around any of us.

So this week in the long hours of 36-45 degree temperatures and the extremely high humidity of 98%, I have learned what having Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis truly is and how it alters you as a person.

img_3171.jpgI have over the many years since my diagnosis had many a tough days but honestly nothing like I have experienced in the last 5-7… my fatigue levels have been through the roof and my body has been playing tiddlywinks with my body’s capabilities and abilities… I can’t remember ever being so damn tired… my week has been a never-ending revolving door of “Wake Up ==> Pretend That I’m Ok ==> Sleep…. & Repeat “… it would be great if all my fatigue symptoms gave me the sleep that my required.. but nope… I can’t tell you how overwhelmed I have been by my bodies fatigue levels.

Being tired and having feelings of feeling overwhelmingly tired hasn’t helped me or my attitude much this week… possibly a trigger to what has been a mammoth kick ass Ms moment. The moods that bring forth the need for an attitude adjust have delivered me many hours of self-inflicted isolation… I have found that this past week was a week where people need not have been around me… how truly hard-hitting has my Ms kick ass attacks have been on me this week are unmeasurable…

Right now it is a lot cooler here in Sydney.. but sadly the temperatures will spike again next week… & as you can see the humidity is still pretty high… but the temperatures have cooled the mountains that I live in by well over 20 degree’s…

I think I have had my ass handed to me this week… for the first time in 5 years my Ms and my lack of empathy driven body has felt the heat and the full force of its agonising symptoms…

I guess I now know what extreme heated days , fatigue & Multiple Sclerosis can do to a person… what I haven’t said is that I have also lived with my light weight cardigan in my img_3160.pnglap this week… because I have not only had extreme heated body temperatures taking me out of the realm of my comfort levels… I have also had moments where my temperatures plunged to the ground and had me putting my cardigan and socks on and off… I must have looked like an igloo man coming out of the Antarctic lands straight into the desert waste lands and only to return back again to blazing sun heat days.

I know that there will be days when my Ms symptoms will spend the days peeking to their highest levels of annoyance… pushing my pain level and my tolerance to the to the highest level of my pain threshold… but I am optimistic & hoping for a better week.. emotionally, physically, mentally & socially… this Truly was my worst week ever since my Ms Diagnosis… I am hoping to not have many more of these days… “Here’s Hoping For A Better Week.


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 79 – Gratitude Towards My 10 Days Of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End Of Year Reflection Review Questions”

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My past 10 days have been spend working on Nadalie Bardo’s
“100 Personal End Of Year Reflection Review Questions”
Reference – https://itsallyouboo.com/personal-end-of-year-reflection-and-review-questions

My gratitude is very personal and I couldn’t be more grateful for the person journey that I have been on. I have learned much about myself and the journey that I have been on… I final_846247321.gifhave learned how I have been and continue to be affected by my life’s well trodden
path… & I have learned how to be more understanding of myself and my thoughts and I have learned that as a person that I should be more giving, more understanding and more forgiving of life’s journey and my future’s untraveled path..

I am in gratitude to Nadalie Bardo and her well executed and well thought-out thought provoking questions.. but more than any other thank you … I thank Nadalie for giving me the courage to look deep within myself.. for giving me the courage to examine my own needs & for helping me to navigate a starting point and or the beginning to my 2019’s pathways.

I would highly recommend Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End Of Year Reflection Review Questions”… for anyone wanting to  spend sometime in self reflection of themselves or their own pathways. Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End Of Year Reflection Review Questions” has given me much to think about and a whole lot of retrospect – I look forward to looking at Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End Of Year Reflection Review Questions” at the end of 2019 & in the beginning days of 2020.

“I have enjoyed my last 10 days in review of myself and in answering Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions,
the end results have indeed opened my eyes to what my journey through 2018 held in its hands for me… the personal journey of my
2018 is now etched in my honest thoughts and words… I wasn’t at all surprised with what came out, and to be honest I didn’t struggle to answer any of the questions being asked… the questions for me were surprisingly in how much I wrote and not in the content of my answers. My honest reflections of me and my year of 2018 was certainly an interesting 1 that was full of self growth and also a full year of gravitation to me finding me again through my written words.”

Nadalie Bardo’s
“100 Personal End Of Year Reflection Review Questions”
can be found at the below link
https://itsallyouboo.com/personal-end-of-year-reflection-and-review-questions


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 78 – 100 Personal End Of Year Reflection Review Questions – Part 10 – “Personal Reflection – Questions For Next Year.”

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One of my pinterest pins had the following self-reflection set of questions that I though was very interesting. So I sat down and began to answer the questions that were being asked and I thought that my answers and the website were worthy of sharing.

The website offers up 100 questions that are titled “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” divided into 10 separate sections of 10 questions in each section.

The website & its questions can be seen here at It’s All You Boo – By Author
Nadalie Bardo.

I personally have sat down to undertake the challenge of answering Nadalie’s reflective questions as I feel that they will help to settle me in the year of 2019 after helping me to reflect on 2018.

In today’s daily blog post I will be looking at the 8th set of 10 questions of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” – a set of questions that your finances for the year that has just passed.

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End of the Year Reflection Part 10: Top 10 Personal Reflections Questions for Next Year Let’s be realistic, answering all 100 end of year reflection questions can feel overwhelming and is no easy, or quick task either. The purpose of the personal year-end review is to reflect upon the past year, to learn whatever lessons we can, so we can move forward successfully into the new year. Thankfully you do not need endless review questions to come to that conclusion. You just need ten year in review questions that get straight to the heart of last year. Here they are. Here are your ten essential questions to reflect on the past year:

91. Where do you want to be one year from now? Describe it.

One year from now will find me in the middle of January 2020… I have many hopes for my next year and some of them are in the areas of personal growth… my number one want for my personal growth is to have me take a very good look at myself and see who it is that I am and ask myself “is this the me that I want to be & is this the me that I was meant to be..? I want me and own self’s self to take the year to be the giver that I am, to love those that I love with out question and without judgement but whilst doing so not have my ass being used as a welcome mat or a stepping stone for others. I know this much for sure “I don’t want my ass to be the welcome mat for other people drama filled questions that when not given the right answer or the answer that they require to get up and leave… I can say with an open heart that my door is open until you yourself choose to close it with your ignorance’s.”


92. What’s the number goal you want to achieve in 2019?

How many number 1 goals can there be….?

I just want to be  the person that I am … unapologetically me in my rawness… I have always wanted to stop allowing the thoughts and feelings of others to stop engulfing and dictating my every thought, feeling and way of doing things… I want my word and my self’s priorities to be enough for those around me… I want to finally stand up and say NO! and mean what I say… (mean what I say without feeling guilt or pressure into changing how and why I do things).

There are many people out there who feel that my above 2019 goals are already made of who it is that I am now… well maybe on the surface this is true… but who I am inside is less dominant and she is very much introverted complexity who chooses quiet over outspoken… “I want to see my 2019 come and go as the inner person that I am, taking less of the drams and discomforts of others onto myself & I want my own self worth to be the two way street that will either lead people closer to my inner circle or that it will lead them to a road that is of their own choosing.”

In a nutshell… if I am not enough as a person for those around me to want me to any different of a person than I am then I am here to say that “I will no longer be sorry that I wasn’t the person that you wanted me to be.”


93. Choose one word that sums up your main theme for next year.

Another 1 worded answer there are so many that I could use to describe and sum me up in my main theme of me… but if I have to choose 1 “encompassment”  would be it…

Encompassment –to form a circle about; encircle; surround: He built a moat to encompass the castle. to enclose; envelop: The folds of a great cloak encompassed her person.

to include comprehensively. “I will build my walls up and around myself so that I can become me without judgement and sit in wait to see who has the will and strength to scale my outer boundaries in order to join me in my inner circle.

94. What’s your New Year’s Resolution or goal?

I don’t really like forming new years resolutions… I put enough pressure on myself without adding additional goals or thoughts of new years resolutions. I like to be the person that live without expectations on how my life will pan out in and throughout the journey of the new year… but I have given myself a journey that will lead me back to myself and my love of writing – a journey that started back at the end of 2017.. but one that I am still loving and finding much passion in at this very moment of 2019.


95. What are your top 3 priorities for the new year?

My top 3 priorities for walking into 2019 are as follows:-

– continue with my writing on a daily bases… dedicating at least 2 hours daily in my exploration of my writing & decide on whether I will take on the journey of writing a book (this is a pipe dream as I have un-thought-out ideas but no definitive decisions or pathways tho this thought).

– finally make a decision of whether we will make life altering decisions to up root ourselves and or our family to make the changes to our lives that we have for the longest time been talking about… do we sell and do we go .. do we make our footprint known in the geographic landscape of another place that is in our hearts but one we are not sure that we want to roam.

– decide if I will go back to my dreams of becoming a full time student in the field of counselling… will I take back up my Bachelors Of Counselling, or will I go and undertake a few short dated courses that will serve me in reserving my internal energy and my footprint that overwhelms my study hours.


96. Write a personal mantra or affirmation for next year.

Mantra/s hey…

Firstly a fav of mine but one that I am not to good in living up to… “No one else is willing to do that, so that’s what I will do.”

Secondly… “I will recognize a person who doesn’t get enough recognition.” and that person will be unapologetically and unselfishly me.


97. What does your perfect day or week look like?

I have spent many years looking into the why’s and the how’s to the behaviours of other people…. I have always given a shit and have always tried hard to either be the glue in broken down relationships or I have tried to be the person who work hard to unburden others and their grievances with others… & to be honest all my holding onto others has tuckered me… “I know that it is time for me to take the road less travelled and find my supports in my own strengths… its time for my life to be own action plan… 3019 for me brings a need for others to find their own feet – for me to be who I am for others to be that for myself.”


98. What beneficial daily habits can you start in 2019?

I have given myself the gift of returning to my written words.. this is where I find myself and my inner calmness, so writing every day (with hope in all of my chosen writing adventures) is my daily habit for 2019.

The other daily habit that I would like to pickup is a half hour reading block or a guaranteed chapter a day reading block.. a moment where I can find a quiet place and unplug from my airport baggage claim mind.


99. How will you take action towards your goal?

There will be no easy pathways to reaching my goals and my inner mantras… but my first port of call would be to learn that it is ok to say no! – to find no guilt in saying no! give myself permission to step off the pathway f always being the helper to others… & stand in my own life’s path to help me and my self made family to reach the centre of our own lives.


100. Who do you hope to become in 2019?

I have hopes in becoming the quieter person that exists deep down within myself… whilst the out spoken person that has given me courage and strength has served me well over the years… I feel that I do not allow the truer side of me to come out all that often.

I want to be less open in the sense of always having an opinion or an answer to life’s woe’s but remain self assured and staunched in my morals and beliefs, I don’t want to change who it is that I am or how it is that want to be treated as by others… but I just want to be the calmer person that I know is hidden deep within my own self’s being.

I want to become the person who credits myself with self worth and self value… allowing no-one to take the stride out of my own walking path.


So there it is questions 91 to 100 of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – Part 10 – “Personal Reflection – Questions For Next Year.” this ends the 10 parts of Nadalie Bardo’s -100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions.

I have enjoyed my last 10 days in review of myself and in answering Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions, the end results have indeed opened my eyes to what my journey through 2018 held in its hands for me… the personal journey of my 2018 is now etched in my honest thoughts and words… I wasn’t at all surprised with what came out, and to be honest I didn’t struggle to answer any of the questions being asked… the questions for me were surprisingly in how much I wrote and not in the content of my answers. My honest reflections of me and my year of 2018 was certainly an interesting 1 that was full of self growth and also a full year of gravitation to me finding me again through my written words.

In my earlier writes of Nadalie’s 100 questions I wrote the following – “I look forward to finishing up Nadalie’s 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions…. having looked at my 2018 through different questions … offering up responses that I truly had no idea that they existed until I wrote them. But answers that not only reflected but also summed up 2018 and how I myself grew as a person… In conclusion I spent 2018 finding my way in & through the existence of my world & through this journey of journey of finding me; I of course found myself and my voice in writing adventures.” I have enjoyed this journey into looking at my year in review… and have just had the thought that I may relook at these questions at the beginning of 2019 as a comparison of my year and adventures of 2019.

So how about it…. Challenge yourself to Nadalie’s ” 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. ” here at her blog ” Its All You Boo ”


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


©Nadalie Bardo – “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. https://itsallyouboo.com/personal-end-of-year-reflection-and-review-questions/?fbclid=IwAR1ZDh24uBWoypAJZF7BiaJLg-_327R0LQsNC9mUGOR_VhfZESduAfOMWyQ

Day # 77 – 100 Personal End Of Year Reflection Review Questions – Part 9 – “Light-hearted & Fun – Year End Review.”

Featured

One of my pinterest pins had the following self-reflection set of questions that I though was very interesting. So I sat down and began to answer the questions that were being asked and I thought that my answers and the website were worthy of sharing.

The website offers up 100 questions that are titled “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” divided into 10 separate sections of 10 questions in each section.

The website & its questions can be seen here at It’s All You Boo – By Author
Nadalie Bardo.

I personally have sat down to undertake the challenge of answering Nadalie’s reflective questions as I feel that they will help to settle me in the year of 2019 after helping me to reflect on 2018.

In today’s daily blog post I will be looking at the 8th set of 10 questions of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” – a set of questions that your finances for the year that has just passed.

howweuseit


End of the Year Reflection Part 9. Here are 10 Light-Hearted and Fun Year End Review Questions


81. When you say 2018, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

2018 in a nutshell was a mixed bag of up’s and downs…. but for the most part I very much enjoyed my exploration time in getting back to my writing… learning the deeper & inner aspects of myself and of the unwritten words and thought-out thoughts.

So what comes to mind when I talk about my existence in the year 2018… Gratitude for vowing to explore what I have for the longest time haven’t seen or heard on any page…

My gratitude plays homage to words that I write every day, it has been s a long way back to my writing and to the download of my thoughts… writing has always meant a lot to me and now that I am back into writing every day I feel less frustrated and much happier within myself.


82. Is your favourite colour still the same this year as last year?

I have always liked the colour black, black is a very dominate colour in my non coloured wardrobe… but something changed in me the year of 2018 and I found a greater appreciation for the beauty found in colour.

I have come to like all shades of purples and yellows… but my most loved colour of 2018 is and has become “olive green…. surprising enough there is room in me to find a like for some shades of pink…a colour that I  have been to fond of.”

So yep guilty as charged… my inner colour palette & my new found like for colour has been a new something in my 2018 year of me… My hope is to in 2019 to replace some of the black in my wardrobe with some colours…. I want my clothes to show the happiness in my calming soul.


83. What’s the most shocking news you received?

The most shocking news that I received throughout 2018 would be of course the loss of a people that I not only knew well but I had great affection for… the news of someone passing is always a hard pill to swallow… death may very much be a central part of the “life cycle” but when it comes around and takes the people that we love, the reason and the news for the passing of our loved ones always seems to come at the most untimely time.


84. What new skills did you develop or discover?

Throughout 2018 I have taught myself new software packages for my web designing & I have leant how to blog in a daily capacity & one of my cherish hobbies has come to me after many years of trying to gain the skill of crochet (a few stitches and designs maybe… but a personal accomplishment just the same).

I love the development stages of watching my much loved gift of writing come back to life… I do feel that blogging is very different to my skill set of web designing… my procrastination about my lack of skills in blogging is no longer the thing that hold me back from returning to the written words that deliver me a sense of happiness in my every word.

I have had to learn patience and self-acceptance & I will be the first to admit that being grateful for my own self’s inner working has taken a great deal of time and strength in the acknowledgment fazes of getting to know me. Learning patience and self-acceptance is my 2018’s greatest accomplish… yet it is still an accomplishment that is underdeveloped and I am aware that there is a great deal of room for further personal growth in this area of my life.

Patience and self-acceptance whooooo knew that I had it in me….??


85. Did you have a favourite quote or saying?

“And as I stand on this battleground, I remind myself of the truth: That I am a force, to be reckoned with. Through all of these wars, I’ve won, lost, and learned. And I am not afraid, to utilize every ounce of my power. I will light this bitch on fire; then stand back, and watch it burn.” – Little Girl Speak

86. What’s your favourite song, movie, book and or TV show from last year?

Favourite Movies Of 2018 – Girl On The Train & Room
Favourite Song – Brave – Sara Bareilles & In my Blood – Shawn Mendes
Tv Show – Poldark
Book – I shamelessly admit that 2018 wasn’t a year for reading books for me.


87. What was the best compliment you received?

Like any person struggling in their life’s journey the best compliment that one could receive is “how I inspire other to see their daily drains and diversity’s and look at them with fresh eyes… having the inner strength to laugh and put my best foot and help for others ahead of my own struggles & pain.”

It is both humbling and a questionable experience when someone tells you that they are in awe of your get and get it one attitude… telling me that I show others how to see my diversity’s and raise them up with a smile. On the other hand the questionable experience comes from the negativity that is often shown to me when people choose not to be educated or shown how my diversities truly affect my everyday.


88. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rank your year?

On a scale of 1-10 my 2018 was probably about a 6 or 7… it wasn’t a terribly great year and it wasn’t at all a bad year… the struggles in my health had me up and down but through my gift of writing I found my happy place… & in return some of the people that I have come to encircle myself with have given me much support and have made the hard pain riddled days easier to bare.

Like I said 2018 wasn’t at all a bad year, for me I kept to myself for the most part and spent the majority of 2018 giving back to myself… allowing myself the time and inner perseverance to find my hidden voice and inner thought written deep with in my soul.

I put my own self into frying pan of 2018 and gave myself a “it’s a now of never pep talk” I knew  that there would be personal sacrifices in finding my long lost written word and voice, but I knew that I had a great yearn to write…. & the personal struggles that I had with my own inward isolation was so worth the lone moments that I sometimes felt.

If I had to do 2018 again… the only thing that I would change would be my level of procrastination… and the giving up a lot earlier of the fear of putting my thoughts and myself on the line… I knew that I would stick with my years return to my writing… but just getting started was where I laid in question of my own starting point.


89. What three words best describe last year?

The 3 words that best describe 2018 are ” Gratification Towards Actualisation ” meaning that I am grateful for the journey has given my back my love of writing, paying homage to the strength that my perseverance and ownership needed so that I could give my writing a fighting chance to flourish.


90. If you wrote about last year, what would it be titled?

If I had to write a titled line that summed up my 2018, I would have to co to my unofficial anthem by singer/song writer “Cher – You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me”  – a song that sings loudly how it is that I get up every day and put myself into my day, choosing not to sit and or lay down to the inner struggles that my multiple sclerosis brings to me.

“You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me” sings loudly and proudly that no matter how bad things get and no matter how far down trodden I get; the sun will soon enough cast its light on my life & that I choose to get up and make the most of my life… leaving the whinging whining why me’s on the shore lines of hurting bodies tears.


So there it is questions 81 to 90 of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – Part 9 – “Light-hearted & Fun – Year End Review.” Tomorrow I will explore the very last part of Nadalie Bardo’s -100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions titled “Personal Reflection – Questions For Next Year.”

I look forward to exploring more of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions, the end result and or outcomes of my honest reflections of me and my year of 2018 will certainly be an interesting 1.

“I look forward to finishing up Nadalie’s 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions…. having looked at my 2018 through different questions … offering up responses that I truly had no idea that they existed until I wrote them. But answers that not only reflected but also summed up 2018 and how I myself grew as a person… finding my way in my world, in my existence & how I of course found myself and my voice in writing adventures.”

So how about it…. Challenge yourself to Nadalie’s ” 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. ” here at her blog ” Its All You Boo ”


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


©Nadalie Bardo – “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. https://itsallyouboo.com/personal-end-of-year-reflection-and-review-questions/?fbclid=IwAR1ZDh24uBWoypAJZF7BiaJLg-_327R0LQsNC9mUGOR_VhfZESduAfOMWyQ

 

Day # 76 – 100 Personal End Of Year Reflection Review Questions – Part 8 – “Questions that Explore Your Finances”

Featured

One of my pinterest pins had the following self-reflection set of questions that I though was very interesting. So I sat down and began to answer the questions that were being asked and I thought that my answers and the website were worthy of sharing.

The website offers up 100 questions that are titled “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” divided into 10 separate sections of 10 questions in each section.

The website & its questions can be seen here at It’s All You Boo – By Author
Nadalie Bardo.

I personally have sat down to undertake the challenge of answering Nadalie’s reflective questions as I feel that they will help to settle me in the year of 2019 after helping me to reflect on 2018.

In today’s daily blog post I will be looking at the 8th set of 10 questions of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” – a set of questions that your finances for the year that has just passed.

howweuseit


No end of year reflection would be complete without talking about your money and how you managed your finances.


71. Did you pay off existing debts (credit card, school or otherwise)?

Through the year of 2017 I knew there was a credit card bill hanging in the wind… we hadn’t used the credit card for sometime.. so we knew that we could live without it… so we made a vow to pay it off and did so throughout 2018 in 7 months… we celebrated by cutting up the card & closing the account.


72. How much money did you save?

Coming into the Christmas period of 2017 we had put enough of a Christmas nest egg away that meant we didn’t have to go into debt to put Christmas on… then just like the unexpected outlay awaited us at the mechanics… $1800.00 air conditioner refit to our car that just happened to die on a grueling 42 degree celcius day without a warning that it was going to not just need a gas refill – the whole thing needed to go to landfill & another needed to be fitted…. on top of Christmas and a few days of entertaining in between… sorry savings account… maybe next year !

Oh yah… been asking for years “what’s a savings account?” I always get asked check, credit or savings & I answer spending account thanks.


73. Did you create a budget for last year and stick to it?

Budget…. huh… food in fridge, electric bill gets paid for, internet is always on and the kids are never short of $5 note for the canteen… so if a budget is keeping up every week with the weeks bill payments and I am not falling behind,,, then yep budget was created and dealt with… stuck with hmmm probably not so much…


74. What was your annual income for last year?

Unapologetically.. I will not discuss that here.


75. Were you living paycheck to paycheck?

We always get by with a little left over for the unexpectables or for that little more to go on a little family playtime. There is always room for that little extra… and there is always that rainy day that seems to storm heavier than any other rainy day…

We managed a few charitable donations throughout the year of 2018… so all in all things were ok.


76. Did you take out new loans (including mortgages and car payments)?

No mortgage repayments and no car repayments for the year of 2018.


77. What did you waste too much money on?

I wouldn’t say that we waste money on many of the things that our family requires but there is always room for cut backs and or for improvements to be made.

The one change that could happen in our household is our food shopping habit… I am not a liker of keeping meet in the freezer.. I hate the whole defrosting process either by leaving it out in the fridge or by defrosting in the microwave… so instead of doing a sustainable weekly shop we find that we shop everyday or at the most every second day.

Stocking the freezer with a variety of meats and vegetable for the week is ok on the odd occasion… but I prefer my meat and vegetable to be purchased on the same day that I use and  consume them.

Other things that we spend money on is 12 Litre bottle of water for the water cooling system… having to change the bottle over every 4 days… I know my children wouldn’t drink water if I didn’t buy water the way that we do… and frankly neither would I…

We also do way to many short trip in out car and at times the petrol bill can get a little high.. price we pay for convenience hey!

I have a guilty pleasure of technology related products… 2018 gave me the opportunity to upgrade 2 of my children’s computers.. as they use them regularly & of course they will see them through the next few years.. I think the upgrade whilst the computers were on half yearly sales were warranted.


78. Did you have a best find or purchase from last year?

Purchase of the year went to a garden setting that I had my eye on.. one day whilst I was looking on gumtree I saw that someone was selling one that was very similar.. 8 seater for $200.. I thought it was a bargain.. so I messaged the seller and made my enquiries and asked if we could have it for $150.. as the price was negotiable… her reply was we are moving we need it gone … so yes you can have it for $40.00 please just come get it… it is perfect and only needed to be oil so it can remain protected from the harsh Australian sun ( an investment of $10.. well spent).


79. Do you have a retirement savings plan? Did you contribute to it?

A little naïve of me to say… but I am not up to speed with this area of my life…. gasp yes I know….


80. Did you put money towards an emergency fund?

Our emergency fund of $4,500 went to our cars air-conditioning and to the Christmas fund… our emergency fund was going to be spent anyway but on our houses guttering…. but the car decided to be needy.. so this years emergency fund with all fingers crossed will be spent on our houses guttering and may a drainage system for our driveways runoff.


RELATED POST: HOW TO MANAGE YOUR MONEY FROM A SIDE HUSTLE
What’s the word on your finances and what steps do you need to take to get in better shape? What sacrifices do you need to make this coming year, so you can live even better in years to come?

So 2019’s finances will be a little tight as I don’t have much work lined up for this year… things are slowing down and I have noticed that fewer and fewer people are calling for my help in fixing their computers or in doing computer/website related work for them.

We have needed the houses guttering done for awhile now and because of the rain the weather is starting to show on our front door.. so maybe it will be drainage for the driveway, guttering for the house and a new front door that we will be needing.. what will need to be sacrificed in order for the above to happen… mmmm leaving the emergency fund in its hide away and don’t touch it for any reason.


So there it is questions 71 to 80 of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – Part 8 – Questions that Explore Your Finances.” Tomorrow I will explore Part 9 of  Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – it’s title “Light-hearted & Fun – Year End Review.”

I look forward to exploring more of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions, the end result and or outcomes of my honest reflections of me and my year of 2018 will certainly be an interesting 1.

So how about it…. Challenge yourself to Nadalie’s ” 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. ” here at her blog ” Its All You Boo ”


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


©Nadalie Bardo – “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. https://itsallyouboo.com/personal-end-of-year-reflection-and-review-questions/?fbclid=IwAR1ZDh24uBWoypAJZF7BiaJLg-_327R0LQsNC9mUGOR_VhfZESduAfOMWyQ

Day # 75 – 100 Personal End Of Year Reflection Review Questions – Part 7 – Refection Questions For Your Career

Featured

One of my pinterest pins had the following self-reflection set of questions that I though was very interesting. So I sat down and began to answer the questions that were being asked and I thought that my answers and the website were worthy of sharing.

The website offers up 100 questions that are titled “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” divided into 10 separate sections of 10 questions in each section.

The website & its questions can be seen here at It’s All You Boo – By Author
Nadalie Bardo.

I personally have sat down to undertake the challenge of answering Nadalie’s reflective questions as I feel that they will help to settle me in the year of 2019 after helping me to reflect on 2018.

In today’s daily blog post I will be looking at the third set of 10 questions of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” – a set of questions that Reviews Your Emotions on the year that has just passed.

howweuseit


Your professional life is a huge part of not only your life but your identity. So many of us associate who we are, with what we do from 9-5 (or whatever your working hours are).


61. Are you happy in your job/school?

I have been out of school for some years now and up until last year I wanted to undertake furthering my education & studies in the field of Bachelors Of Counselling, I knew that I was wanting a small break from studying but I signed to undertake my Bachelors Of Counselling anyway… nearing the end of the first semester in early 2018; I knew that my heart wasn’t in it… my yearn for me to return to my writing had been in the back of my mind for so long.. toying with me and my drive to write down my inner thoughts… so at the end of 2017 I took a personal look at myself & knew that deferring my studies and returning to my love of writing was going to be the 2018 journey that I would take.

Work wise I love my computer technician work and my the design elements of my web designing skills… but I have found that since my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis Diagnosis that my work load and call outs to fix people s computer has calmed down considerably.

Even my home based computer work has also calmed down and I find that I am getting less and less work as time goes on.

Taking on the journey and the learning curve of an armature blogger is filling this void and I am currently helping others in their blogging / web authoring journey’s

Some people think that having Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis would be and is the excuse for my slowed down work load and the truth to that assumption is that I love what I do … I love the people who I meet and work with… but at this moment in time I am content working as an armature blogger… I may be considering a course in journalism or writing for the media to undertake in the new future.


62. Did you enjoy the work/learning you do?

I have wanted to be a counsellor for as long as I could remember, it was either that or a primary/pre-school teacher… I have had many other jobs over the years but being a counsellor was my no#1 want and web design/computer technician is where I found my stride.

Did I love studying for my Diploma Of Counselling… for the most part yes I did, the hours were long and the run to the finish line seemed to take a lot long than I thought it would… it was a case of “so close yet so far – to the finish of my diploma of counselling studies.”

As for the continued studies into my “Bachelors Of Counselling” if I have to be 100% honest I think that I wanted the qualifications so badly that I was kidding myself when I said “what’s another two years?” my heart just wasn’t in it & I knew it… I didn’t want to e seen as a quitter… but I did feel the choice being made for me.. in and by my coping of the hours that I was keeping in the area of my studies.

I love to learn and enjoy it far more when the learning process is hands on… answering questions and submitting technical document after technical document starts to eat away at me after a while… I love the freedom of web designing and amateur blogging… there is always something new to learn and always a new piece of technology of software to sink my teeth into.


63. Were you excited to go to work or school every day?

Did I look forward to studying everyday… mmm some days yes.. the hours were so long and the technical documents and assessments were beating the life out of me…

I loved working with my elderly clients the most in the area of showing them how to purchase, maintain and use their computers… watching their excitement levels as they learned new things and saw their loved ones near and far pop up on the screen via their emails, photo’s, correspondences and video’s was worth the effort that I put into teaching them.

I love blogging and attending my writing group and keeping up with the bloggers & members that I work with… many people blog for money and someday this maybe what I will do… but right now I blog because I love to blog.. its my personal journey that keeps me writing everyday.


64. Did you get a promotion or raise/graduate or pass your courses?

Graduated from my Diploma Of Counselling Studies yes… Bachelors of Counselling studies are currently on hold & I haven’t as yet decided if I will finish my studies. A decision for another day and another moment in my life.


65. What one thing would you change about your job/education?

If I could change one thing about my job/education I would with almost certainty become a teacher instead of going to straight into the work force… but even if I chose to be a counsellor I either way would have not started my studies so late in my life… I do wish I did my studying when I was still a teenager…  being a mum was my no#1 thing – and that would not have changed my above wants…


66. How did you advance your career last year?

I did not advance my career last year… I instead set out and learnt other skill sets in other areas i.e.. blogging.


67. Do you have a good relationship with your boss or teacher?

Shout out to you Christa (my Diploma Of Counselling Tutor) she was a task master that kept me on my rails after giving me a stern talking to.. she asked me “Do I intend to complete my diploma and I answered yes… what do you need from me she asked… A push and reminder of my progress in days when I got lazy… don’t let me fall behind … hammer me all the way to finish line…” and with that said she did it all without having to be bitchy or pushy…

I had the want to finish but the hours were keeping me on the go… “push through the barriers she would say… not far to go now.”

I adored my tutor Christa & became very fond of her.


68. Is your job/school fulfilling you?

My schooling is no longer fulfilling me… I am unsure if I want to return to the long hours of study…. (a decision for another day). Write Now I am content in floundering through my journey of learning how to blog ( maybe someday a monetary blog will come out of my blogging skills, right now I blog for me because I love to write.. & I am loving being back on my writing journey)…

I still love my web designing / computer technician work… when the work is there I love it & get it done… but being an amateur blogger and full-time writer for now has my attention.


69. Are there opportunities for advancement?

I believe that in life there is always room for advancement in life… as a web designer there is always something new to learn.. I could always undertake further areas of study and even go into looking for more lucrative work in the computer technology world.


70. Did you start or take on a new venture (side-hustle, part-time so on)?

I am always working on some sort of an angle.. right now and for the past year it has been in the field of blogging.. I see blogging as a sister sidelined venture to web designing… some new skills sets and a whole new set of self disciplined responsibly…. writing things in your on words, writing often and keep in the guided truth and realities of what people want to read about is the key to a successful blogger and his or her posts.

Blogging isn’t always easy… there has to always be a story within you to write… creativity is what sets you aside from every other blogger out there in the world doing the same thing that you are.


👉🏽 RELATED POST: HOW TO ACTUALLY FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT
So much of how we define or feel success is wrapped up in our careers. How can you improve your professional life? And bring more happiness and fulfilment to this area in the new year? What goals can you set for school or work?

Right now in my career goal I am content to sit still and follow my want and love of writing, like I said above I have been thinking of undertaking a course on journalism or in writing for the media… maybe even someday become a column writer in some sort of magazine or newspaper.

“A Columnist”… a brewing thinking pot right there… oh gosh I have added to my thinking thoughts manifestations… time to digest  my thought… “we will see where these thoughts led me at a later date.”


So there it is questions 61 to 70 of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – Part 7 – Refection Questions For Your Career.” Tomorrow I will explore Part 8 of  Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – it’s title “Questions That Explore Your Finances.”

I look forward to exploring more of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions, the end result and or outcomes of my honest reflections of me and my year of 2018 will certainly be an interesting 1.

So how about it…. Challenge yourself to Nadalie’s ” 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. ” here at her blog ” Its All You Boo ”


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


©Nadalie Bardo – “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. https://itsallyouboo.com/personal-end-of-year-reflection-and-review-questions/?fbclid=IwAR1ZDh24uBWoypAJZF7BiaJLg-_327R0LQsNC9mUGOR_VhfZESduAfOMWyQ

Day # 74 – 100 personal end of year Reflection Review Questions – Part 6 – Refection Questions Of Your Relationships

Featured

One of my pinterest pins had the following self reflection set of questions that I though was very interesting. So I sat down and began to answer the questions that were being asked and I thought that my answers and the website were worthy of sharing.

The website offers up 100 questions that are titled “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” divided into 10 separate sections of 1o questions in each section.

The website & its questions can be seen here at Its All You Boo – By Author
Nadalie Bardo.

I personally have sat down to undertake the challenge of answering Nadalie’s reflective questions as I feel that they will help to settle me in the year of 2019 after helping me to reflect on 2018.

In today’s daily blog post I will be looking at the third set of 10 questions of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” – a set of questions that Reviews Your Emotions on the year that has just past.

howweuseit

Whether you like it or not, you cannot reach your goals on your own! The people in your life will either encourage and support you, or bring you down and destroy you. It’s okay if some friendships die, some relationships come and go, that’s okay!
(copied from Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions.”)


51. Who did you spend the most time with?

No guesses for who it is that I spent the most time with in and throughout the year of 2018… My hubby Steve of course… there are very few days now when we are not in the company of each other… I never thought that I would ever see the day come when I was to be 100 in the company of 1 person… since my PPMS diagnosis i have seen a rise in my needing certain things done for me rather than me doing them for myself… I never thought that being partially dependent on another would be a place that I would find myself in, but alas here I am.

Of it wasn’t for my PPMS I know that my reliance on Steve wouldn’t be as great as it is now… we would both for one be holding down full time work loads & be busy raising our family along side each other as we have always done… but PPMS has made me a little less self able and given me the strength and will power of the man that I married.

We are together a lot these days & my yearn for him to be near me when he is away is just as strong as it has always been… 

There are times when I long for my own space… but who knew that being around someone who is with you  for long periods of day would never truly grow old.

Of course the other people that I spent a large portion of my 2018 days with are my online friends… “yes I do very much believe that my online friends are as true to me in their friendship just as they would be if they knew and were around me in person.”


52. Who are the top 3-4 most influential people in your life?

Influential people mmmm tough one…

Influential Person or Identifying Person #1

A few years ago I gave a name and an identity to my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis – I named him “My Story – Ms for short.”

He has taught the art being impatient in intolerance …he arms me daily with a bucket load of both each day in hopes that I would learn to let things come and go but never taken them along for the ride… but I think that his lessons are very much frugal… for right now tolerance and patience are not in my makeup.

”My Story” has also taught me much about myself in and around my return to my daily writings… he has given me the strength and currage to the push the toughest of writing days. My Story made be a made up subconscious level of myself but he is just as real as the diagnosis that he plays out. Of course “My Story” is influential to me.. he has taught me much about myself: both in the good and in the bad… “My Story” has taught me how patient in something I can be and in how very impatient I can be in others. My attitude has always been pretty much that of a tough cookie but “My Story” has shown me the greater depths of my intolerances… he certainly pushes me to see myself in ways that are reflective and very open roar & vulnerable.

Influential Person(s)  #2

There are a few people that will be listed here… singing artists who have given me the inner strength to see myself for who it is that I am  in spite of and in the wake of all that has been thrown at me.

Cher – “ You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me” & Strong Enough “ – A dedication to my inner strength and determination to live through my own diversities.

Sara Bareilles – ” Brave ” – I love the lines Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave… – I think it’s refreshing to hear people speak their truths whilst being brave in the deliverance of their thoughts and words & it’s even more refreshing that someone would ask someone to speak their mind rather than deterring a person from sharing their thoughts and feelings.

Pink – “Raise Your Glass” – I just love this song and its beat… the very fact that its a song for the struggling underdogs that strive to be the best people they can be is worthy of celebratory cheers. Pink gives me the strength that lets me celebrate me in my life’s journey.

Kelly Clarkson – her heartthrob power ballads are songs that empower me through my self-growth and the rebuild of my scorned soul. Kelly Clarkson brings to me a great piece within myself, showing me that with the right person and warmest heart that I couldn’t rebuild myself by gaining inner strength and learning to lean on the love of my life who has pledged to my hearts lifelong support. – Because Of You is the backbone of my husband Steve who has stood beside me, without a wavering heart but with full commitment to us being 1. Even when times were tough you stood fast and worked tirelessly to prove you meant every vow in your pledge to me, all alone standing with me and beside me building us up Piece By Piece. Because of Steve I never strayed too far from the sidewalk (from his heart and our unity).

Delta Goodrem –  “ Sitting On Top Of The World “ – Delta Goodrem – Delta’s Child Of The Universe Album & song Sitting On Top Of The World gives me an inner strength that keeps me from folding my hands in my lap – preventing me from giving in & giving up. Showing me that I had to save myself so that I could be sitting on top of my own world.

Tina Arena’ – Tina Arena’s album “Reset” not only rebuilds my love for her, but it shows that she has reset herself into a place where her songs rejoice in every word she sings. She gas rebuilt herself from her inner scars and delivered herself back to greatness.
” Coming Home ” – Sheppard – Coming home helps me celebrate my journey of me returning to a place where I am whole again, and comfortable in my past. A celebration of me returning back to me.

These woman have given to me anthems that have delivered me from my moment of darkness and despair… moments where I sat questioning why things in life have to always to plentiful In toughness.

These anthems have given me the strength to slow my tears to fall and they given me even greater strength to stand up once more to the struggles that knock at my door.

Music & its artists play a very meaningful part in keeping my head above water. Reminding me on a regular basis that today’s struggles will lead me through to better tomorrow’s, that there is no calm before a storm… that I in the wake of their written anthems will rise to fight another day.

Influential Person(s) #2

Oprah Winfrey – she has given me so much strength over the years, teaching me that I need not stand on the side lines of my own like looking at myself as a victim… Oprah saw me through many journeys of my life including my Higher School Certificate Years (yr 12) where I used much of her work on racism in my final end of year project… Her open heart and giving personality at times made me cry & I have often wondered if she ever felt as empty and as lonely as I do when all  the handing out where done. She proves that through diversity that there are those who shine through and are able to bestow upon others the gift of unconditional humanity and open hearted selfless giving.

Robin Williams inspired me through “Dead Poets Society” to make up my own mind who it is that I wanted to be… forcing me to own my thoughts & putting out my hands in front of me to work hard for what my dreams and life wanted for me.

He taught me that regardless of  my social, academic and family standards that indeed had a choice of who I wanted to be, giving me belief in myself that I could step out of my norms and be the person that I knew I was deep within myself. I never wanted to be a conformist and I certainly didn’t want to be an envelope pusher… but I do and have always know who I am.

Robin Williams if I could honour you today I would stand on my desk and shout “Captain My Captain” applauding you until I can no longer see you walk the stair to heaven… but instead I write these words to you… “you lived your acting career out playing and portraying the characters that gave the legacy of truth and honesty… standing tall to the right for each of us to stand for our own selves, finding our own voices, being a slave to no one & to no lie debilitating illness.”

Influential Person #3

There is no greater influence in my life than that of my Husband Steve… he hasn’t always been the strongest person in our coupled relationship & whilst I miss the sensitive and naïve side of him, I am so glad to see the strength in him appear.. I am glad that he is finally standing tall and allowing no one to push into their way of thinking – he always had a voice but now it can be heard. he stands tall on his own horizon allowing no-one to  push him past his comfort zone & or to turn him into the shapeless & defenceless person that they wanted him to be.

Mentioning Steve Last doesn’t give him less meaning to who he is in the meaning of influences in my life… he knows who he is to me and has proven his work , strength and commitment to me in so many ways over the years.. through the many hurdles of our relationship he has stood beside me, ran the gauntlet & has led us through to the clearing where he has told me… one more hurdle that he come through.. together we are strong.

Be last person listed here is a dedication to him… he is the most abounding strength & love in my world.


53. Did you have a go-person? Someone you can always count on?

My go to person has been and always will be my Hunby Steve… 25 years of togetherness and many thousands of struggles later… I know wha hasn’t divided us has certainly made us stronger.

When when he should look at me from the corner of his eyes, questioning my thought process or moments of manic mindless moments; he sits and chooses his words carefully and gently assures me that I must know what I am doing.

When the sunrises and days are tough he sits in my shadow and lets me blurt out my huff… and when the days tears have been shed he lends a helping hand in cleaning up the shell of me that was just sprawled all over the floor.

Steve and I have been together for so many years now; we know each others every unspoken words … so for me go to person doesn’t always have to have anything to share or say.. he just needs to be there in the moment… offering up nothing more than a guaranteed he will always and forever be where it is that he belongs; right by my side.

54. Is there anyone you could have apologized to but didn’t?

I lost someone special to me just awhile back… she was my wall that I screamed at when I need to let go… we shared so much over the years & she often told me that Family wasn’t just those made of your blood…

I never let her finish this statement… for my reply could have not been said in words… she wore her honour of words on the outside of her heart… she was a treasure and a life support that never asked for much.

What do I have to apologise for you ask? Nothing that I myself have done but sometimes I find that I apologise for the shortening of time   That she had to gift to others the unconditional and open arms that she always had in wait for me. I wish sorry or an apology could have kept you here on earth, you had the greatest amounts of love to give…

There is one other apology that I could have made to a group of people that meant so much to me… I sat away and distant from your aching hearts and made no promise to bring closure to the distance in our hearts.

I learned the hard way that I could live without them… rarely again seeing them… but often hearing their name…

I would if I could apologise to them for learning to live without them I would… they taught me the toughest of life’s lessons “all relationships spoil at the hand of something far greater in need” … I will never stop loving them… but I have indeed learned to live without them. I dont seek their understanding and my apology needs no forgiveness.

55. Did you have a falling out with anyone?

I did in deed fall out with a few people throughout 2018…
For me falling out with people that I have admired for so long has left me hurt and feeling lost, but I have come to realise that my time for and with them was very meaning & I will always be grateful for the love that they gave to me & my family… but thing including relationship are not always guaranteed to last forever… sometimes things just out live their course of time.

I also moved away from my study group that saw me through to the trying hours of my studies… we were pushed and pushed hard to finish and when we became pushed we pushed each other harder… something gave and we all finished our studies with days to spare… sometime those who push us cannot see themselves in out pathway because the struggles were to great a pain to see a way through… when I do talk of my study group I peak of  them fondly and simply say our pathways were meant to cross and now we are walking in the same direction just on different roads.

56. Which relationships feel apart, which came alive?

What relationships came alive in 2018? the love and community of my self made family… in the gathering and giving to each other we learned what our strengths and needs were… & the relationships that feel apart in 2018 were those that themselves were not strong enough to hold on… they gave it their all… and their memories will always be fond… but sometimes things in life just run their course in time… friendships and relationships don’t end they just take on different meanings and altered destinations & paths.

57. Was anyone toxic or destructive to you?

What’s the definition of toxic??  My definition is “someone who chooses to forgo your right to have a mindful choice and decides to let the wind out of my sails by belittling my thoughts and beliefs.”

There is so much ignorance and distollerance in others that the overwhelming feelings that it brings me have had to learn to run their course of my many years.

Yes of course there are people that I could name for their toxic or apposing attitudes that exist in difference to mine but that would giving them a red flag to my inner workings… I will hand them a win!

58. How did you give back or contribute to your community?

Throughout 2018 I volunteered for a youth mentoring program and loved the children that I met. They were high school students living in my area who had wonderful idea that led them to giving back to the elderly generation being taken care of by caring staff at a local nursing home/retirement estate.

I also volunteered in the capacity of personal tuition time for those in need to learn emailing and the internet… I gave to people rather then asking for payment because I love to see the lights of people and need for learning turn on.

I also gave tuition in other areas of computer work i.e.. web designing and blogging.

I am dedicated to helping others.. and I very much love to help those who have the drive to help themselves. 

59. How much time did you spend with your family or loved ones?

My relationship with my Family, Friends & Loved one’s are the very things that keep me as a person into being the person that I am … the giver, the protector, the participant… they all mean much to me.. each person in their own ways & in their own capacity… those who know me know that I treasure those who I allow into my inner circle… and those who I have on my outer circle I also have much admiration for. I spent a lot of time with many people that I know and love… they all come with their own troubles and moments of love… maybe 2018 was a year where I spread my time with everyone evenly but I was there and here I remain. 

60. Who supported you and helped you grow the most?

There are to many people to mention here … and their reason may be big and others maybe small… but the definition of growth ad help of another no matter how big and or small is always a welcomed gift.

Steve and my kids have seen me through many hours of personal growth… and possibly more hours of days when I was lost… they are my main supporters, they are present everyday and when the days get hard we regroup and pickup where we left off.

My study group saw me through to my the end of my (then) studies & whilst we have taken on different paths I know that I wouldn’t have pushed as hard as I did without them being my wing men.

I was gifted a motorised scooter by a charity that I will not name her and a tax agent that was helping me mum with her yearly tax… together they have tried hard to return some of my lost independence… whilst I am not 100% without resistance I am grateful and I am able to see the valuable gift that I have been given.

My Ndis Man “Smile” and My lawn mowing man “Syd”…. they deserve merit badges… how beautiful can two souls truly be… yep they are doing their jobs… but it’s the extra miles and their continued support that sets them above all of the help that could be given.


RELATED POST: 8 REASONS WHY AN ENTOURAGE CAN HELP YOU
Now that you’ve taken time to review your relationships, which ones do you need to invest in? And which relationships do you need to distance yourself from in 2019? What are your relationship goals?

Which relationships do I need to invest in? all of them.. even in the toughest of times nurturing the very relationships that have moulded me into the person that I am is worthy of the strength and struggles to work through the days that allows the stormy waters to rush in….. “no-one should be left behind” even the weakest link can prove to be strength in a broken chain.

2019 has me still looking inward to myself… my writing and my return to my writing has been the strength that I have needed in the rebuild of myself… “those who can not and will not allow room for my writing – my life’s storied mission are the very people that need to take a seat on my outer circle”.. I have given much to the people that I love and know… and now I ask that I be allowed with unconditional grounds and rules to be aloud to give to my self and my inner mind.

My relationship goals are simply to allow others to see my journey as a writer, talk about how I need to be nurtured by my written mind and allow my written thoughts to take on a place within me.. all on their own.

Working within my Self made Family to continue their growth and independence, giving them the room to explore themselves and  their own needs is my goal for this year… giving them a guided rope and saving enough energy to see them be pulled back to safety when needed.

But more importantly and hard as it sounds… those who value and love me will make the effort to be part f my world… it is my No#1 to except a 50% share of the responsibly and not that of the 100% effort and responsibility that I usually take upon myself.


So there it is questions 51 to 60 of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – Part 6 – Refection Questions Of Your Relationships.” Tomorrow I will explore Part 7 of  Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – it’s title “Questions For Your Career.”

I look forward to exploring more of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions, the end result and or outcomes of my honest reflections of me and my year of 2018 will certainly be an interesting 1.

So how about it…. Challenge yourself to Nadalie’s ” 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. ” here at her blog ” Its All You Boo ”


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


©Nadalie Bardo – “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. https://itsallyouboo.com/personal-end-of-year-reflection-and-review-questions/?fbclid=IwAR1ZDh24uBWoypAJZF7BiaJLg-_327R0LQsNC9mUGOR_VhfZESduAfOMWyQ

Day # 73 – ” 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – Part 5 – Questions On Your Experiences From Last Year “

Featured

One of my pinterest pins had the following self reflection set of questions that I though was very interesting. So I sat down and began to answer the questions that were being asked and I thought that my answers and the website were worthy of sharing.

The website offers up 100 questions that are titled “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” divided into 10 separate sections of 1o questions in each section.

The website & its questions can be seen here at Its All You Boo – By Author
Nadalie Bardo.

I personally have sat down to undertake the challenge of answering Nadalie’s reflective questions as I feel that they will help to settle me in the year of 2019 after helping me to reflect on 2018.

In today’s daily blog post I will be looking at the third set of 10 questions of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” – a set of questions that Reviews Your Emotions on the year that has just past.

howweuseit


Questions on my experiences from last year. A walk down memory lane and talk about what actually happened in 2018. What did you do, not do and wish you did? We hate that we didn’t take that trip, or we didn’t declutter our the house or that we’re still trapped in a life we hate. Sometimes it’s the little things like a leaky faucet we never fixed or not reading enough books, other times it’s the BIG things like wishing we could escape our toxic workplace or start a profitable business.
(copied from Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions.”)


41. Where’s the best new location you visited?

Throughout 2018 I didn’t travel and or go away from my family home ( for holodays)… many of my activities were either in my favourite places & or haunts or they were in places that I had already previously visited.

What can I say about this but “I like being home… I like my own surroundings & I am guilty of liking my own comforts.


42. What’s the most exciting new thing you tried?

I taught myself how to crochet… a skill that I have been wanting to learn for years.
I also tried out a new web design/graphics program that I am very fond of – that software being Xara Web Designer 10 Premium – I used it often throughout 2018 in many of my client projects.


43. Did you accomplish anything on your bucket list?

My 2018 bucket was set out at the end of 2017… my bucket list has always been for the greater good of others… for the longest time the only thing that existed and had no heart beat was my deeply private want to return to my love of writing. As a child all I did was right, and there were moments in my childhood when I used to see it my minds studio/reading room surrounded by my wall to wall book shelves pushing through the end of my column’s deadline… then something in me changed.. that something came when my hearts deeply written words were stolen and shared (so I thought) around the neighbourhoods traps.

I vowed never to write again… but I didn’t stick to  this plan… instead of writing in my long suffering journal, I wrote poetry… year after year I started my journal over again.. and never got passed 5 entries throughout the year.. I was scared of my words and I was scared that my thoughts would become someone else’s amusement… so I just learned to ignore my yearn to write.

2017 Rocked around & I became bogged down by my studies (diploma of counselling) and I told myself “let me finish my studies and I will pick up the pen and begin to write again.”

I finished my studies and told myself that it was now time for me to be selfish & that it was time to put my pen to my page… there was no new years resolution for 2017 – and that new years resolution certainly didn’t have a new page of writing in its winds… that is why I started back at my writing on January 9th 2018… with no new years resolution and no pressure to keep a promise to anyone but me.

So “my bucket list” was more of a “do it or don’t do it list”…. finish my studies and go for head first into my bachelors or take a chance on me and my unwritten thoughts. I made the vow to start and here I am just over a year now and counting…


44. What did you plan to do, but never did?

I must sound boring but I spent 2018 exploring my own interests and want for my return to my daily writings. I spent many hours writing, probably far more than I should have… in my defence; I was bitten by my inner author and my inner creativity.


45. Have your tastes or interests change this past year?

I was always driven to the life of being an academic.. now I am drawn to my love of writing. I love to crochet and I love to hang at home with my family… I am not a hermit but I do love the quieter introverted life style.


46. Do you have a new favourite food or drink?

I have always been a Red Wine love.. & beer was very much so my least favourite drink… I didn’t like Rosé Wine much either…somewhere over the hours of writing I found a liking for beer and I found rosé wine to be very refreshing.

Red wine I see now made me a serious person, highly strung and didn’t allow much creative thought… beer and rosé wine gave me a les serious attitude and even chilled me down just a little.

My food habits haven’t changed much … I tell people that I am a vegetarian who likes to eat meat… my hubby calls me a 2nd hand vegetarian for cows themselves don’t eat meat….

So I was a vegetarian and I now eat meat…. (sometimes I really like it) and I was a red wine drink now I like beer and rosé wine…. but just so you know my favourite alcoholic drinks are cocktails… gin and whiskey (Jack Daniels & Bundaberg rum are my fav’s).


47. Do you feel guilty about anything you did?

Mmm… I try hard not to put myself in to moments or occasion to which I would later feel guilty for what I have done but there was a point throughout 2018 where I was to meet with a new neurologist for the treatment of my Multiple Sclerosis…. my neurologist I took an instant disliking to .. he was plain and simply rude rude rude…  he had a point and opinion about everything that I was asked to answer… initially he would ask a question and interrupt you & remind you that order for him to be able to help me that I would have to be upfront and completely honest…. he had told me that on numerous occasions throughout our first meeting so at some point I ask him where would you like me to start and what part of my story would he like me embellish & or stop making up.

He had asked me nothing personal about who I was and then he asked about my children… I told him that I have 3 children my eldest was born with Spina Bifida and my second was born 6 weeks prem…. and out of the dark he sprouted “primary progressive Ms … no no no I don’t think so …. I think you may be mimicking your child’s illness .

I looked at him and said the MRI’s are they fake to… ??

Looking at them he responded oh dear umm yah.. your diagnosis is maybe right but I want to do my own testing (may I add these test he sent me to were very early in the morning and 1 hour away & in the peek of morning traffic)… I told him I have children to get to school.

Looking down at me whilst he pinched me… he said cant someone look after the children? how can I help you if you wont help yourself….

I looked oddly strange at him and called him an idiot… I asked him what it in his medical training to learn “asshole bed side manners skills.”

There it is … not necessarily my regretful moment but probably a moment where I could have held my mouth shut!

There is a very small part of me that regrets not completing my Bachelors Of Counselling… I have deferred my studies & I know that I can always go back and pick it up at anytime… but like I have written a many a times before I don’t regret not finishing my studies… I am just slightly disappointed that I have let one of biggest wants of becoming a fully fledged counsellor go to the wind (for the time being at least).


48. What hobby did you spend the most time on?

What hobby did I spend my most time on…. mmm no surprise for those who are following me through my daily blogging submissions… “my writing” of course is the answer… I may be guilty of being found at my computer for way to many hours of the day throughout 2018. I spent the day working on my 750words.com daily writes, blogging, crocheting to unwind for all day at my computer & web designs/graphic designing. There was a small amount of reading done away from my computer in all of my hobby interests… as well as a few moments out and about taking photo’s and editing them.

I am happiest when I am writing or being creative.


49. Did you enjoy learning about something new, if so what?

At the very end of 2017 and the beginning of 2018 I taught myself how to crochet … (just a few different stiches and designs…. nothing spectacular… but beautifully coloured blankets and bed throws was just a few of my accomplishments.


50. What experiences stand out in your mind as “the best” and “the worst”?

For me the best and the worst parts of 2018 can at times overlap… I love family time both intimate family time and extended family time but I hate the dynamics and the politics of these gatherings…. I get exhausted by the reliance on the same people to organise these gatherings… and I hate that at time people don’t bring their happy faces, instead they choose to bring their ignorance’s and their bias’s.

I have had to learn to divide my time (and not equally) been my own private time and the time I spend with others… “on the best side of things – I have found my inner author… and my writing voice, I have found my calmness & my quiet place.”.. & on “the worst  side of things – I have become a little to introverted and a grapple hook is often needed to pull me out of my own zone.”

I regret nothing of my 2018… maybe that is the worst part of my solitude coming out.


So there it is questions 41 to 50 of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – Part 5 – Questions On Your Experiences From Last Year.” Tomorrow I will explore Part 6 of  Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – it’s title “Questions For Your Relationships.”

I look forward to exploring more of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions, the end result and or outcomes of my honest reflections of me and my year of 2018 will certainly be an interesting 1.

So how about it…. Challenge yourself to Nadalie’s ” 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. ” here at her blog ” Its All You Boo ”


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


©Nadalie Bardo – “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. https://itsallyouboo.com/personal-end-of-year-reflection-and-review-questions/?fbclid=IwAR1ZDh24uBWoypAJZF7BiaJLg-_327R0LQsNC9mUGOR_VhfZESduAfOMWyQ

Day # 72 – ” 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – Part 4 – Review Of Your Daily Life “

Featured

One of my pinterest pins had the following self reflection set of questions that I though was very interesting. So I sat down and began to answer the questions that were being asked and I thought that my answers and the website were worthy of sharing.

The website offers up 100 questions that are titled “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” divided into 10 separate sections of 1o questions in each section.

The website & its questions can be seen here at Its All You Boo – By Author
Nadalie Bardo.

I personally have sat down to undertake the challenge of answering Nadalie’s reflective questions as I feel that they will help to settle me in the year of 2019 after helping me to reflect on 2018.

In today’s daily blog post I will be looking at the third set of 10 questions of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” – a set of questions that Reviews Your Emotions on the year that has just past.

howweuseit


Let’s talk about how you feel about your daily life over the year. Was it awesome, great, good, okay, not bad, or horrible? What could be better?

The unfortunate side-effect of the New Year can be feelings of lost opportunity or even anger and disappointment for the choices we’ve made – or didn’t make. Staying stuck, stalling and being stagnant in our lives can leave us feeling furious and frustrated.
(copied from Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions.”)

31. What did you want to do, but didn’t?

Through the year of 2018, I set myself many goals, many of which were goals that would direct my return to my daily writing into the direction of commitment & honesty that was far deeper than I have dared to venture into.

I enjoyed my daily writing so much, it gave me so much inner relief and so much of the inner pressures that I put upon myself were given a crutch to lean on… I was able to let go of the compartmentalising side of myself in many written days of my 2018 writing and allow myself to own what I think and feel without fear of having to hide what is truly in my secretive mind.

My 2018 goal was to see myself back at my daily writings, to build a blog, and allow room for honesty and openness in a journal that I had once kept so many years ago… the more I pushed myself to journal the further I got away from just starting one entry. I gave myself a compromise & started my daily writes at http://www.750words.com & that unfortunately was where I found my writing deserved and gave credit to my inner happiness that was scared and afraid of what I harboured deep within.

So what did I do in 2018 that I wanted to do? Journaling… I just could lay pen in my physical papered book… my pen was frozen and it remained so… so I searched my soul for my reasons and I knew that holding and writing in a physical papered journal wasn’t a place I was ready for… I haven’t let go of my journal keeping want.. 2019 is a new year and I have put journaling back on my goal list for 2019.


32. Did you step outside your comfort zone? When?

I think I am at time 2 people and those two people have both strengths and weakness’s in abundance… they also have the opposite in common.. one side of me is an introvert and the other is an extrovert… when people ask me if I am introverted or extroverted I always also that I am an ambivert (a person who has a balance of extrovert and introvert features in their personality.)

One side of me is my inner child she is 8 and very free, wild almost… but she has a delicate child like state that doesn’t like strangers and hides in the shadows when they are around.

Then there is me, Tanya… I like to meet and help people out in the daily journey’s… I like to amerce myself in daily workloads that make me feel accomplished and well worked in my daily agenda’s.

I unlike my inner child like to meet people and often find myself taking on other peoples needs in order to help them out… I love being involved and I love working with people in chosen skill set of web designing & computer related technical work.

So together my inner child and I decided that we would find like minded people that we both liked, we joined a writing group, created this blog and for my inner child we wrote on the closed platform of 750words.com in hopes that my inner child would find her voice and a safe comfort zone to off load her inner thoughts…

Together we went out of our comfort zone to let go of our inner fears, to write down our stories and together we co-exist today where I am often the fore fronted person as my inner child is now at peace.



33. Do you feel as if you missed out on any opportunities?

I chose in 2018 to forgo my “Bachelors Of Counselling” for what I would have though to be for a small break in my studies… I have questioned if my choice to defer was the right one, questioning if I would ever regret my decision to defer & the answer in my hear and now is NO! I do not regret my choice to defer & I personally don’t think that I will…. but that is my insight for my here and now.

Inner – Creativity burns a lot of day light and takes up many many hours and I thing that the only opportunity that I let go off was the connectivity that I could have experienced from people in the real world…. I was very much introverted in 2018 and preferred the company of my computer and my unwritten thoughts.

Maybe I could have sought out a few hours a week of volunteering in the field of counselling & youth work… that would help in deciding what the course of action would be for my studies.. clocking up a few hours of unpaid or even paid hands on training… but like I said I have no regrets.


34. What was your daily, morning or nightly routine?

My Morning Routine Is:-
– up awake and moving at 6.45am
– wake the kids at 7am (if it’s a school day 8.30am if it’s a weekend).
– pay bills, work out what the days agenda will be
– shower, teeth, hair, makeup and & dress
– play with my puppy Lucas & attend to his needs
– answer my mornings call list
– work on my client project till 1.30pm

My Afternoon Routine Is:-
– have lunch at 1.30pm
– run what errands need to be run & strive hard not to nap
– work on client activities till 4 pm (or is we are picking them up we leave at 3pm for a 3.26pm pickup).
– await my children’s arrival home from school at 4.20pm
– run afternoon errands till around 6.. or choose for the time to be family time or homework time.
– start dinner preparations around 6pm whilst watch the evenings news

My Nightly Routine Is:-
– dinner around 6-7.20pm
– prepare my daily writing for my blog & write for about 1-2 hours at my blog
– around 9pm I usually settle into my 750words.com writing, most days writing both here and on my research for tomorrows writes till about 10.20 – 11.00.
– watch tv for a an hour or so of relaxation time with my hubby
– I do try to go to bed before 1am but sometimes I return to my computer and take on other writings until 3am (bad I know but this is my creative hours – the hours when I am very awake and have the ideas for my writings ready & willing to flow out of me).

Of course there are other things in here like keeping up with my online friends, and sitting for my online classes/groups… and of course the accessional mid morning nap sneaks in throwing my whole day out the window… but the outline of my general day is there for you to see.

Atleast one day of the weekend comes and goes … with good intentions I hope to spend it with my Family & extended family doing things that we all enjoy doing with each other… I try for the weekends to be free, but shamefully I say the weeks overflow at times gets in the way.


35. How did you waste the most time every day?

hmm how do I waste most time everyday?… well to be honest showering takes up so much time the morning can often slip away – my primary progressive ms hates showering and is often overwhelmed by how it feels by the end of my shower.

I like to watch my foxtels music vide channel, I love how it’s music can not only change my moods but it can also lead me into deep thoughts of writings for what I call “my song appreciations” – they are like reviews of a book… but I actually sit and rewrite my thoughts into the verse of the music and songs.

Of course there are times of the week when I procrastinate so much that I stress myself in the process of getting my daily writings complete – vowing each day to just get it done… a vow that I have a hit and miss relationship with.

Atleast one day of the weekend comes and goes … with good intentions I hope to spend it with my Family & extended family doing things that we all enjoy doing with each other… I try for the weekends to be free, but shamefully I say the weeks overflow at times gets in the way.


36. What negative daily habit did you break?

My negative daily habit that I have to break is my sound off moments that I have with my home telephone….

I scream at it at times in frustration for the constant calls that it rings… I love that people want to call and say hi but there are days when its a stop start, stop start day… when I am busy doing a website or fixing a clients computer I can see the value of a break… but I d hate a break in the flow of my writing… I like to be quiet and left to scribe out my thoughts…. but my phone is the one true pain in the ass and or constant demanding  ring ring in my ear.


37. Did you create any new habits?

– daily writings of course (in many more areas than what is discussed above).

– joined an online writing group that included weekly writing sessions.
– made agreement to do 1-3 meet ups with friends online (personal, writing group members and international friends).
– joined other online groups of interest


38. What do you wish you could do more every day?

I have just taken on writing morning pages that I take 10 minutes of timed time to write… I always said that I wouldn’t for I used to think that short thoughts were a waste of time… & I hated having my creativity stunted by the hand of a ticking clock.

I wish I would get into the habit of journal daily for 30 or so minutes… this is what I am working on in 2019.

& of course I wish I made more time to read things that didn’t include web designing texts or other peoples blogs, I’d love to read for the love of it & have a book that I read a chapter of each day.


39. Is there was one thing you could stop doing, what would it be?

The only thing that I would really like to stop doing is allowing myself to give an audience to other peoples scrutiny…. I so wish that people and their thoughts didn’t bother me & I wish that I didn’t have the room deep within me to internalise their words and take them to my heart.


40. Does anything feel incomplete or left undone from last year?

I do feel very content within myself, my growth and my completion of my 2018 wants for me list. So no I know that there is nothing left undone from last year, my choice were made to do what I am doing and if I had gone the way of completing my studies, I would indeed be answering yes to this question… my writing and personal journey path was my go to now cross road…

👉🏽 RELATED POST: 10 HABITS THAT TEACH YOU HOW TO BE SUCCESSFUL
Now you have a better idea of how you spent your daily time. This is powerful intel, as it’s your daily habits and routines that help you become successful. How can you improve your days? You’ll be happier and more successful once you do.

I am content and know that my daily schedule sometimes beats me up and leaves me feeling lost or drawn to endless days of being tired but I know that I am breaking through my inner barriers and becoming the person that I have always wanted to be.

Maybe it would help if I added a moment of relaxation and unplugging to my day… no technology or writing books, no schedule or tickings of a clock… time for breathing and a non thinking mind, a yoga class or place for me to sit in nature… maybe what I am missing is a time out in and for my “airport baggage claimed mind”


So there it is questions 31 to 40 of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – Part 3 – Review Of Your Daily Life .” Tomorrow I will explore Part 5 of  Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – it’s title “Questions On Your Experiences From Last Year.”

I look forward to exploring more of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions, the end result and or outcomes of my honest reflections of me and my year of 2018 will certainly be an interesting 1.

So how about it…. Challenge yourself to Nadalie’s ” 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. ” here at her blog ” Its All You Boo ”

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


©Nadalie Bardo – “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. https://itsallyouboo.com/personal-end-of-year-reflection-and-review-questions/?fbclid=IwAR1ZDh24uBWoypAJZF7BiaJLg-_327R0LQsNC9mUGOR_VhfZESduAfOMWyQ

Day # 71 – ” 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – Part 3 – Reflection Questions For Your Emotions “

Featured

One of my pinterest pins had the following self reflection set of questions that I though was very interesting. So I sat down and began to answer the questions that were being asked and I thought that my answers and the website were worthy of sharing.

The website offers up 100 questions that are titled “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” divided into 10 separate sections of 1o questions in each section.

The website & its questions can be seen here at Its All You Boo – By Author
Nadalie Bardo.

I personally have sat down to undertake the challenge of answering Nadalie’s reflective questions as I feel that they will help to settle me in the year of 2019 after helping me to reflect on 2018.

In today’s daily blog post I will be looking at the third set of 10 questions of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” – a set of questions that Reviews Your Emotions on the year that has just past.

howweuseit


21. What did you complain about the most?

Complaining is something that we all do, it is our human nature to find fault in things that others around us do.
For me complaining isn’t something that I like to do…. complaining for me is a build up of internalised frustrations that over time build up and build up into a festered mess.These complaining/frustrating moments are from things like Family Alliances, Boundaries & Lines have been drawn on many issues – no one finds that its their place to end these turbulent times & No-one takes on ownership or cause of these moments.Other moments that I found that I complained about were over my right to choice my “selves inner peace” over the connectivity and family unity of extended family, never really feeling like that I am heard when it came to my right to distance myself from my extended family… my complaining seemed to always be in the fight for my right to choose to not be judge or have myself subjected to these moment that burden my soul… I was always asked the same question over and over “what about your husband, how do you think he feels, cant you try for him…?” it got to the stage when I had to scream and shout I just can’t care anymore… I have to put myself first… that after 20+ years of dedication to my husband & family I just had to say enough is enough… I had to give myself the strength to see that acceptance was something that I would no longer seek.

22. What are you most grateful and thankful for?

The things that I am grateful for are just the same as every other persons gratitude list… I am grateful for my “self made family” & how they have grown and bloomed into the greatest of people that they can be… how they have held themselves together through the Family wars and stayed true to who they are, finding their own paths in the world.

● I am grateful to myself for the journey that my return to my writing has given to me.. the dedication that I have showed in writing every day… the release of my inner wows and inner frustrations that have been replace with moments of gratitude and self actualising moments.

More than anything… I am grateful for “My Self Gratitude”
I have so many things to be grateful for… my gratitude hasn’t just been an overnight reality… I have had to learn patience and self-acceptance & I will be the first to admit that being grateful for my own self’s inner working has taken a great deal of time and strength in the acknowledgment fazes of getting to know me.
  • I am very grateful for my attitude; both good and bad (it delivers me from evil and helps me to show others that I am not a person who will be walked over or disregard). My attitude keeps me true to my self & in touch with my core beliefs and inner core values.
  • Through my self gratitude I have learned that I have always had a self sabotaging attitude that has taken me away from who I wanted to be … my optimistic pessimistic attitude that allows me to see the good in the bad and the bad in good has led me to always question myself and the things that I am doing, I am grateful that I am learning to control this element of myself… I look forward now to the changes that I will be able to make that will help me to live my life in a self-fulfilling nurturing environment.
  • I am grateful for my struggles for they have taught me to work hard for the everything that is in my life, no excepting hand out and putting my all into my family and my life’s needs have made me honest and honourable.
  • I am grateful that I am learning to be more patient with myself and others… learning that nothing great in life is just given to you… that the gratitude is in the working towards one’s life’s wants.
  • I am grateful that I can see my impatience in my Multiple Sclerosis diagnoses… I believe that if I was comfortable with my life changing due to the inabilities that my MS gives me that I would never truly learn to cope with future life’s changes and the lifestyle that I would have to be forced to adapt to.
  • I am very grateful that I have become a lot calmer within myself…learning to choose my battles rather than going head-on into snapping at the bitt or the heads of those who piss me off.
  • I am grateful that I do the best that I can do every day for the greater good of myself and my own self-happiness. This, in turn, helps me put my everything into being the person that I am for my a Family.
  • I most particularly grateful for my self-acceptance.. being ok with myself, being comfortable in my own skin (even on the bad days I can see the good in what acceptance of my bad days is trying to teach me).
  • Above all My gratitude plays homage to words that I write every day, it has been s a long way back to my writing and to the download of my thoughts… writing has always meant a lot to me and now that I am back into writing every day I feel less frustrated and much happier within myself.

23. Who or what challenged your worldview or your faith?

The year of 2018 was a year full of many Family ups and downs… sometimes I get so emotionally overwhelmed by the internal Family wars that they often leave me feeling detached.

I have struggled for many years to find my place in my Extended Families timeline… but there was a point just a few years ago when I gave up the fight for acceptance… Acceptance used to mean a lot to me & I often changed myself and my behaviours so that I could find my place and find myself a welcoming place at my families table.

Then one day after 20+ years I found myself looking at myself in my own reflection and couldn’t believe what I was seeing… I was tired and struck down but what I call sparkles emotions; I had become everything that I didn’t want to be… giving yet full of yearn for someone to see me, tired yet fully conscious and aware of how I no longer gave a shit of how people perceived me but harshest of all my reflections was looking at how hard and how tainted the words “unconditional love & family unity” have made me.

I have held in my “what about me” emotions for so long that in 2018 I began to fight back… at first I was going to fight long and hard to find my place and recognition within my extended family’s unit & then suddenly it hit me stop fighting, stop allowing this to be my fight & let that fight be someone else and let them start the long walk and fight back to me.

Family relations, love, loyalty & compassion will always be the very things that challenge my faith.


24. Were you ever “triggered”? By whom or what?

Like every other person in this world “I am triggered by inner wars and stress’s of built up descriptions” – things that I may have aware of and things that fester and build up over time…

These inner wars and stresses are “body conflicting moments” that play havoc on my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis… I get exhausted easy when these moments arise… but slowly I am learning coping mechanisms and skills that help to alleviate my directed burdens of these moments.


25. What were you most afraid of happening?

What am I most afraid of happening…? Of course like everyone on this planet I am afraid of the moments that bring loss and death to those people that I love and know, I am afraid of unknown events that lay in the winds that serve to alter a persons day or life’s events…

But my number # 1 what am I afraid of thought is directed to my family of course… My thoughts are not just in & or for  myself made family, they are also for my immediate family, my extended family and for the people in my life that I have chosen to be more than just my friends – they are the family that I have chosen for myself.

I am afraid that these people that I hold special relationship and value for will never see or understand the true value of love, affection and gratitude for them… I am afraid that something bad or unforseen may happen before people truly awaken and see the truth worth of their place in my “Self Built & Given Community.” the questions here how many of us truly value the people in our community? How many of us would for go our own prejudices to find an “unconditional” space for each of us in our lives? I am afraid these questions will never find a rhyme a reason or a place to the lives of any of us.


26. What made you the happiest and the saddest?

What mad me happy?
There are many things that made me happy throughout 2018. Some are as follows:-
● Happy to have witnessed the growth & continuing life making changes & choices that my “Self Made Family” are continuing to make. Taking their worlds into their hands and striding through lives making huge steps and strides into becoming who & what they want to be.
● I am so happy and grateful to myself for my gift of my return to my writing.
● I am honoured to have joined an online writing class & whilst the weekly meetings may have folded, we all still remain in contact and have regular meet ups.
● I am grateful that I decided to put my “Bachelors Of Counselling Studies” on hold, giving myself the time to put my dedication to my studies in check.

What Made Me Sad?
A few things made me sad throughout 2018. These things are as follows:-
● I was the saddest when I saw that my eldest Son was not as attached to his 2nd car as he was his first… then watching him look for his 3rd car broke my  heart… he seemed so detached and un-wanting to face looking for yet another car again, the joys of car ownerships was certainly not with him.
● My choice to distance myself from my extended family almost broke me. On one hand I knew that the choice had to be made, I knew that my mental health was suffering and so was my family relationships. On the other hand I internally wanted to remain in my extended families grasp to work on things… in order to make memories and not moments of detachment.
● I lost a few very close friends throughout 2018, each of them meant so much to me and for many different reason. Watching as their family members hearts broke knowing that I was suddenly just an outsider and a person that they know… I felt lost in their grief.


27. Do you have a favorite memory?

Everything that happened in and around 2018 is a favourite memory, even the sad moments and the moments of stress, loss and heartache gave me the lessons that have taught me greatest of lessons and gratitude.

But If I have to choose a favourite memory It would be  the return of my long lost friendship that was 21 years lost to us all… building back our trust and friendship means a lot to me.


28. Is there a memory that you can’t stop replaying your mind?

I try not to dwell on what was yesterday, I remember what was in fondness… choosing to see even my life’s toughest of lessons as moment of inner strength building.

The good and the bad times I replay them all as they show me how far I have come from where I once stood.


29. What was your biggest disappointment?

My biggest disappoint in and around 2018 was deep within myself… my indecisiveness in, on and around my decision to continue or defer my “Bachelors Of Counselling Studies.” I at time wonder have I made the right decision to defer; as becoming a counsellor was my forever dream and want… have I made  the right the right decision? at this moment in time I know I have… my heart wasn’t all the way in it… I have tired and warn out and my call for my return to my love of writing was stronger.

For today I am content in my decision to defer only tomorrow will tell if this decision was the right one.


30. What if anything, worried you and kept you up at night?

Mmmm this is a funny answer… the need for some repairs and or home improvements to my families home made me loose sleep.

We were meant to have a bathroom renovation done that was supposed to be started in June/July and here we are in January 2019 and it hasn’t yet started.

We also are in desperate need of our homes guttering to be… this keeps me awake most night as I know that the longer I leave it on the back burner the worse it will get… The gutters over flow and my moody rained out attitude takes on a whole knew identity of itself.

SUCCESS

Now that you have some evidence from your emotions as to what’s going on in your mind, start to think of ways you can address the underlying issues. Are you too negative, and do you need to be more positive? Perhaps you’re always overthinking everything?

Underlying issues… am I to negative or to positive?
I have been working on myself a lot throughout 2018… I don’t feel that I am either to negative or to positive what I am is at this moment in time content with the personal changes that I have made within myself that allow me to see the value in both the good and bad elements of my life, my emotions, my health… I have always said that I am an optimistic pessimist – that I see the good in the bad and the bad in the good…. today I choose to write my way through my internal questioning moments & push right through to the clearing on the other side.

I am not overthinking things anymore… self growth has allowed me to see the here and now along with the struggles that have me present in my todays moments.


So there it is questions 21 to 30 of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – Review Part – 3 – Reflection Questions For Your Emotions .” Tomorrow I will explore Part 4 of  Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – it’s title “Review Of Your Daily Life.”

I look forward to exploring more of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions, the end result and or outcomes of my honest reflections of me and my year of 2018 will certainly be an interesting 1.

So how about it…. Challenge yourself to Nadalie’s ” 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. ” here at her blog ” Its All You Boo ”

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


©Nadalie Bardo – “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. https://itsallyouboo.com/personal-end-of-year-reflection-and-review-questions/?fbclid=IwAR1ZDh24uBWoypAJZF7BiaJLg-_327R0LQsNC9mUGOR_VhfZESduAfOMWyQ

 

Day # 70 – ” 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – Part 2 – Review Your Overall Health “

Featured

One of my pinterest pins had the following self reflection set of questions that I though was very interesting. So I sat down and began to answer the questions that were being asked and I thought that my answers and the website were worthy of sharing.

The website offers up 100 questions that are titled “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” divided into 10 separate sections of 1o questions in each section.

The website & its questions can be seen here at Its All You Boo – By Author
Nadalie Bardo.

I personally have sat down to undertake the challenge of answering Nadalie’s reflective questions as I feel that they will help to settle me in the year of 2019 after helping me to reflect on 2018.

In today’s daily blog post I will be looking at the second set of 10 questions of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” – a set of questions that Reviews Your Overall Health  on the year that has just past.howweuseit.jpg


11. What was your typical breakfast, lunch, and dinner like?

Breakfast
Breakfast in my house usually comes & goes before I even realise that I have missed it, but someday’s I will have 2 pieces of toast with smooth peanut butter, other days I may have 2 pieces of raisin toast with a smear of margarine… I like to have either orange juice or a lemon flavoured cordial with a side order of ice cubes (I live on ice-cubes throughout my days – 6-7 cups daily) but most often then not breakfast time is a hectic time and I m guilty of skipping what is said to be the most important meal of the day.

Lunch

Lunch time has become a very important daily intake for me… I have found that since I have been given my diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis that I do need to eat a balanced lunch – I actually prefer lunch over dinner and breakfast… I find that I am able to eat a far greater variety of food then at any other point in the day.

My lunch time meals often consist of varying types of foods – from things like egg, lettuce & cheese sandwiches, to open club/steak sandwiches, to vegetarian pasta dishes, to salad and cold cut bread rolls.

I sometimes add fruits like peaches, apples, oranges to my salads and have that as aside accompaniment to bbq roasted chicken.

Dinner

My dinner menu’s are family thought out.. we often take a morning vote to which we all offer up a choice and the majority ruling is what we have later that evening.

Dinner can often consist of well balanced meals that have 4-5 food groups in them most days.

Some of the menued meals that we enjoy are:-

● Homemade Chicken Schnitzel With Baked Sweet Potato Chips
● Rissoles with mash potato’s & vegetable (carrots, corn, cauliflower, broccoli, sweet potato, snow peas, long beans etc).
● Spaghetti Bolognese with 3 colour pasta
● Lasagne with mash potato’s and vegetable or even an Italian salad with peaches and apple added.
● Homemade pizza with choice of toppings
● Beef & vegetable soup with garlic bread & rice
●Minestrone soup with cheesy garlic bread

● Homemade Chinese food
● Roast pork or chicken on the weekends
● 1 pot luck red chicken with curly pasta or brown/white rice
● Bbq steak, sausage, potato’s in the jackets, mushroom, egg, grilled tomato, sweet potato and of course a garden, Italian, French salad.
● Cannelloni
● Taco’s / Fajita’s
● Old family fav… meat & 3 veg (usually steak)
● Chicken & steak kebab’s
● Marinated chicken wings with rice

Most meals are accompanied by vegetable or a salad (that themselves have varying fruits). There are many other dishes that my Family & I enjoy together.


12. How much sugar or junk did you consume daily?

I am guilty of having 3-4 glasses of Pepsi a day… I also drink 5-7 glasses of water a day as well as I always have ice cubes on hand that I snack on throughout the day (6-7 cups daily).

As for junk food… if I am need of a pic me up I will have a piece of fruit… the occasional biscuit or bag of chicken flavoured smiths crisp chips. I do prefer to snack on ice cubes chips throughout the day.


13. Did you have any allergic reactions to anything you ate or drank?

Before the age of 20 years I was never allergic to anything food related – these days I am allergic to foods high in citric acid i.e. lemon, limes, oranges & tomato’s. Sounds crazy but I can eat them but have to limit my touching them with my hands as they do occasionally come out in blisters.

I am also allergic to whole uncooked onion, these I choose to stay away from as they stink and make your body smell also… I can eat dill and spring onions as well as dried onion flakes.


14. Did you exercise or move your body every day?

Sadly exercise is limited at this moment… my primary progressive multiple sclerosis is playing havic on my balance and my funky walk. I do walk around my house and try to work up atleast 800 steps a day.

Big change from working everyday and being on the run with 3 children doing the Mumma chores of shopping and school pickups.

I should exercise more, but my exercise is at times ruled by my bodies pain level and my Ms daily symptoms listing.


15. How did you practice self-care?

I practice self care daily in and around my daily writing schedule… writing in my daily writes, my blog and my personal journal helps keep me grounded. If there is spare time to be had I tune out to relaxation music or favourite music bopping tunes of choice… seldom I also dabble in my 3 granny square crochet blankets and backpack projects that I currently have going.

I also research a lot of varied material for my blog and writing projects, so reading has a big part in my days journey.


16. Did you take any mental health days?

Mental health days that are scheduled are seldom but from time to time I take out 3-4 hours a week where I actually unplug from my technology and the environment around me and take time to rest.


17. How did you relax and rest?

I relax and rest by taking small “moment refreshing naps – 30 mins” these moments are rare but sometimes my Ms has other plans and on purpose shuts me down for a few hours at a time.

I also relax by watching documentaries or the evening news on the television.

There are also many varied activities that my Family & I like to do when we are feeling that we need time to reconnect… we look forward to these days as our varied schedules are often long and on totally different paths.

I at least 2-3 days a week catch up with my online friends from around the world – some for 15-30 minutes others for an hour.. whilst others are on and off moments of back and fourth communicating with throughout the day.


18. How much “me time” or alone time did you spend?

As beautiful as it sounds I work from home most days (sometimes I do a call out to a client needing their computer looked at)… I am a web designer, a computer technician, a writer & a part time blogger so I actually feel that I spend way to many hours alone ” in me time land.”

In the evening I may write for 1-3 hours in the late evening… this helps me to get my thoughts out … as well it helps to help me sleep through the night.

19. What stressed you out the most or gave you major anxiety?

What stresses me out … mmm at meal times “loud chewing”

During the day “repetitive behaviours / ground hog day and the ignorance of people thinking that because I am home working that I must be living it up and have nothing better to do and choose to sit on my ass all day”

Ignorance and self pity are pretty high on my top 10 pet hates of people… I offer to help when and where I can and often teach strategies to others so that they can learn the coping skills that helps to enable their self care.

To be fair.. I think that I am pretty easily agitated… but I have learned coping skills over the years that helps to prevent the turbulent behaviours of my frustration from coming out.

20. How did you relieve or release daily stress?

I relieve and or release my stresses by listening to relaxation music or other favourite music types of mine.

I have learned to reward my stresses with a few moments out rather than taking these moments into built up moments of explosion riddled behaviour..

When all else fails to relieve or release my stresses I amerce myself into my web designing, my blog or even my writings… putting my self in time out to work on my many projects is oaten all the time that I need to see things in a totally different perspective.


Asking and answering these end of year reflection questions about your health isn’t enough! Take it one step farther, by asking yourself “how can I make healthier choices for my mind and body in 2019?” What changes can you make?


“So how is it that I can make healthier choices for my mind and body in 2019?” What changes can you make?”

Well the answers to these questions are pretty simple to answer, but putting my answers into practice are the difficult part of my journey.

At the end of 2017; I vowed to write everyday in either a blogging format or an online writing platform (www.750words.com)… I started back at my writing journey on January 9th 2017.. (one year tomorrow)… for me writing and chronicling my life’s stories and journey has been indeed my souls saviour.

Throughout 2018 I added Blogging to my daily writing journey and have now been a full time blogger for 3 months slowly coming into 4 months.

This year in 2019 I have added a few other writing avenues such as morning pages (which I was sure that I would never take up), daily journal writing, poetry, writes on and about written & pictured quotes, & song appreciation just to mention a few of my 2019 writing avenues.

“My writing keeps my mind, body, soul & spirit on and even keel…. giving me self satisfaction and a great deal of pride in my writing accomplishments…. so for me my healthier choices for my “mindfulness” is well in check.

I would however like to get out into the outdoors a little more… staying out of direct sunlight of Australia’s summer heat… I am thinking of adding a weekly photography shoot to my weekly self driven schedule – a collection of local photos and of favourite place that I can use throughout my 365 Day Somethings Blog.

For my exercise needs I have a love for yoga and may very well benefit from taking up yoga again… maybe looking for a group of yoga enthusiast’s that are from the multiple sclerosis community.

As for healthier food challenges…. maybe eating a small breakfast out of habit – a piece of fruit and or yoghurt may very much help me in keeping my energy levels up.

The only other change that I would like to make to my weekly schedule is the joining of a multiple sclerosis support group… gaining outside education from others and meeting others with multiple sclerosis may very well be the very thing that I need to put a few of my nagging ailments to rest.


So there it is questions 11 to 20 of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – Part 2 –  Review Your Overall Health.” Part 3 of  Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – it’s title “Simple Reflection Questions From Your Emotions.”

I look forward to exploring more of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions, the end result and or outcomes of my honest reflections of me and my year of 2018 will certainly be an interesting 1.

So how about it…. Challenge yourself to Nadalie’s ” 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. ” here at her blog ” Its All You Boo ”

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


©Nadalie Bardo – “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. https://itsallyouboo.com/personal-end-of-year-reflection-and-review-questions/?fbclid=IwAR1ZDh24uBWoypAJZF7BiaJLg-_327R0LQsNC9mUGOR_VhfZESduAfOMWyQ

 

Day # 69 – ” 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions “

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reflection.pngOne of my pinterest pins had the following self reflection set of questions that I though was very interesting. So I sat down and began to answer the questions that were being asked and I thought that my answers and the website were worthy of sharing.

The website offers up 100 questions that are titled “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” divided into 10 separate sections of 1o questions in each section.

The website & its questions can be seen here at Its All You Boo – By Author
Nadalie Bardo.

I personally have sat down to undertake the challenge of answering Nadalie’s reflective questions as I feel that they will help to settle me in the year of 2019 after helping me to reflect on 2018.

In today’s daily blog post I will be looking at the first 10 questions of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” – a set of questions that look at and reflect upon the year that has just past.howweuseit.jpg


1. How do you feel about your last year?

2018 was a mixed bag of moments that helped to make up my 2018.

At the end of 2017 I vowed that I would return back to my long lost love of writing, that I would make an effort to write on a daily bases and that I would I would find it within myself to write  at least once daily; this is when I found 750words.com.

When I was in the decision process of starting back at my writing I had applied to do my Bachelors Of Counselling; I knew  that I had the yearn to do my bachelors but my yearn for my writing was stronger… at first & for 3 months I thought I could take on doing my bachelors and my writing… but I seriously under estimated the work load of both hearts yearns… I knew that I would have to choose been my love of writing and hearts desire to become a qualified Counsellor… so I thought I would do the next best thing and put my studies on hold… and pursue my love of writing… & at some point slowly edge my way back into my studies….. but at this very moment I still haven’t chose to return to my studies & I haven’t made the decision as of yet to when I will be.

Returning back to my love of writing was for me the best thing for me, I found a sense of calm in writing everyday… & I found that the more I wrote the better I felt both personally and within myself.

I took on other self growth challenges also, one being my yearn to write a blog… after joining an online writing group I took on a group challenge of a 365 day blogging challenge (which is what you are reading now).

Finally sitting down and putting my blog online was one of the scariest and most personal growth journeys that I have ever been on, trusting people with my inner thoughts and keeping to a daily writing schedule seemed to agree with me… but don’t be fooled this journey into writing about me & my life’s stories wasn’t the easiest of paths.

If I have to look back and say one thing about me starting back on my writing journey it would be this… “I should have started back at writing daily so much sooner than I did… the best decision that I made for myself was to find that the inner strength to start tapping away at my keyboard and trust in my heart to deliver what my soul had nurtured for so long.


2. Did your life change and/or stay the same in the last year? How?

As I wrote above in question 1 – 2018 was meant to be the beginning year of my Bachelors Of Counselling, the year that I would finally give myself the qualification that I had wanted to obtain for the longest of times.

Gaining my life long want of becoming a counsellor had been my number 1 goal for many a years… but I noticed that through my Diploma Of Counselling studies that I was being drawn to return to my writing… I then thought about pursuing my want to become a blogger (as a side line hobby) but as I went day by day into writing everyday ad eventually blogging I knew that my workload was getting long and heavy… even more so I knew that I had to make a choice between continuing my studies and my writing… so I put my studies on hold and began writing everyday.

I did make a decision to take back up my love of writing whilst a took a period of leave from studying… I had just the year previous finished my “Diploma Of Counselling” and was feeling just a little burned out and was looking for a small break.

Who knew that 2018 would lead me through to the year of finding myself through my writing… so yes 2018 was a year of change for me… I took on a personal journey of rediscovering my love of writing & finding my happy place in the process.

I have however not given up of my Bachelors Of Bachelors Of Counselling dream… I have for now found where it is that I want to be… my Bachelors dreams are still there but they are not my priority at this very moment.


3. List three of your “greatest hits” from last year.

When I read the words “greatest hits” I take this in a two folded way.

1. music and 2. what were my greatest achievements.

So music wise my top #3 2018 anthems were:-

My music anthems of 2018 may not necessarily have been born in the year of 2018… but they were the anthems that drove me throughout my years journey.

● “You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me” – Cher – Burlesque
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LD7UtPtyuV8

A dedication to myself and writing journey that had me screaming that I am still here and have much to say… that by hell or by high water I was going to be heard.

● “ Catching My Breath, Piece By Piece, Because Of You “ – Kelly Clarkson – Kelly Clarkson & her heartthrob power ballads are songs that empower me through my self-growth and the rebuild of my scorned soul. Kelly Clarkson brings to me a great piece within myself, showing me that with the right person and warmest heart that I couldn’t rebuild myself by gaining inner strength and learning to lean on the love of my life who has pledged to my hearts lifelong support. – Because Of You is the backbone of my husband Steve who has stood beside me, without a wavering heart but with full commitment to us being 1. Even when times were tough you stood fast and worked tirelessly to prove you meant every vow in your pledge to me, all alone standing with me and beside me building us up Piece By Piece. Because of Steve I never strayed too far from the sidewalk (from his heart and our unity).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEValZuFYRU

● ” Brave ” – Sara Bareilles – I love the lines Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave… – I think it’s refreshing to hear people speak their truths whilst being brave in the deliverance of their thoughts and words & it’s even more refreshing that someone would ask someone to speak their mind rather than deterring a person from sharing their thoughts and feelings.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4

My top #3 greatest achievements were:-

● My number 1 accomplishment was putting my pen and keyboard into action  & telling myself that written and thoughts should be written. Giving myself permission against all inner insecurities to find myself in my writings and thoughts
● My 77,000 plus word count accomplishment in my daily writes at 750words.com
● Meeting & maintain relationships with my fellow writing buddies at our “Sunday Night Writing Group” Platform. Being in contact with a majority of them in both a writing and personal level.


4. What are you most proud of? And why?

I am most proud of my personal journey and how it is that I not only gave myself permission to write everyday… but how I set out to offload my mind and souls thoughts and thinking’s and ended up finding a group of people that work along side each other and encourage each other no matter what journey they are on.

I am very proud that I stuck to my goal of 1 full year of writing… having almost completed my goal of one year… I am proud to say that I have the writing bug and have no intention in stopping my verbal daily blah blah blah’s anytime soon.


5. What was the biggest “boss level” challenge you faced?

My biggest “Boss Level” that I achieved throughout 2018 was facing my fears of writing again and telling myself that I needed to symbolically throw the sticky notes out the window and up-grade to a writing book or journal. In a sense telling myself to put on big girl panties and get on with it.

Personally my biggest “Boss Level” was in making piece with my inner struggles with my “Multiple Sclerosis” coming to terms with my limitations and allowing others in. Being honest with my struggles helped me to see my own backbones strength & in return this gave me the okay to have an off day from time to time without fearing the opinions or mindless chartering’s of others.


6. Would you have done anything differently?

Whilst 2018 wasn’t the easiest of journey’s, there were many hidden events and happening unfolding in my background life… I am pleased to say that the only thing that I would have done differently would be to have  started my writing journey much soon than I did, and I certainly would not have procrastinated for 10 months in the wake of my blogs development.


7. What major life lessons did you learn?

Major life lessons are plentiful when you are struck down with a life altering ailment… being diagnosed with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis hasn’t at all give me the skill of “patience” but what 2018 has taught me is the roar truth of who I am and who other want and perceive me to be.

Learning who is there and who sits in the wings has indeed been the hardest of lessons to learn. Letting others into my isolated mind and world has been for the hardest of lesson to learn… letting go of my need to be own self everything, allowing others in and allowing their hand to stretch out in a helping capacity is a world of lessons that I have had to grow into.


8. What were your “ah-ha” moments?

“ah- ha moments came in finding my stride and life’s barriers in many untold stories. I found myself in my daily writing’s and I was able to see the benefits that my writing’s were giving me.

My biggest kick ass ah-ha moments were in my self discovery… learning how my morally driven and strong willed nature was in fact ruling my life…. learning  that my stresses in life were very much my own self’s fault… taking the worlds issues onto my shoulders and finding the answers to them had become what kept me from my own wants and needs. I was in fact my own instigator of my stresses and the holds that help me back from a calmer me.

I also learned that listening to my body and my mind would allow space for my own wants to come alive. Giving myself permission to take time out to write and find my hidden author (without thought or fear of other peoples thoughts or questions that had me questioning what do I get out of writing everyday & why would I want to write everyday?)… I had to remind myself that it is ok for me to follow my dreams, wants and desires & that I was entitled to find myself in my own life’s want and hobby.


9. Did you set goals for last year and did you achieve them?

My goal for 2018 was to sit in my own reflection and ask myself what it is that I wanted for me… sitting down and looking deep within myself and identifying what is that I truly want for me.

I don’t like making New Years Resolutions so I told myself back in November 2017 that the new year of 2018 would have me back at writing and filling my journal and poetry pages with my daily writes and thinking’s.

Starting a blog was in the winds … but I was yes no yes no in the design side of things… so if I was going to start a blog it would have happened in its own due course.

It wasn’t until I joined an online writing group and was presented with the idea of the groups members each having their own blog that would become a 365 Day Blogging Challenge that I actually say down and put my blogging wants into action.

so my 2018 goals were a personal journey goal list… that helped me to decided the following:-

– put my bachelors of counselling on hold or finish my qualification in 18 months.
– return to my love of writing in a daily write capacity.
– join a writing group or fellow writers to write along side.
– start, build & maintain a blog based on my interests and multiple sclerosis journey.

I am proud to say that I started and am continuing on in all my 2018 set goals and glad that I made the decisions that I did.


10. How did you achieve your goals? If you didn’t, what went exactly wrong?

I have always been a pretty headstrong and strong willed person… I knew that my writing was calling me.. and I knew that I wasn’t 100% in fulfilling my study wants… I felt that I was where my career wants wanted me to be, but ZI wasn’t at all being mindful in my personal wants and needs.

Building my goals was easy…. I told myself this is what I was going to do.
Fulfilling my goals… I thought that fulfilling my goals would have me getting so far into my writing… I figured that I would eventually get writers block or run out of things to write about…. but I am just short of my 1st full year of  continued daily writing and I am still going strong.

What went wrong in all the above was my stop start stop start blogging journey wants… I found that I was so and down with my design elements of my blog that my blog didn’t go live until October 2018… 10 months late. Having been asked to join in on my writing groups 365 day blogging challenge… pushed me into a new start date of October 4th… giving me the want the incentive and the kick in the ass that I needed to hit the procrastination ball out the ball park.


So there it is questions 1 to 10 of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – Part 1 – Essential Questions To review Your Year.” Tomorrow I will explore Part 2 of  Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – it’s title “Reflection Questions For Your Health.”

I look forward to exploring more of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions, the end result and or outcomes of my honest reflections of me and my year of 2018 will certainly be an interesting 1.

So how about it…. Challenge yourself to Nadalie’s ” 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. ” here at her blog ” Its All You Boo ”

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


©Nadalie Bardo – “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. https://itsallyouboo.com/personal-end-of-year-reflection-and-review-questions/?fbclid=IwAR1ZDh24uBWoypAJZF7BiaJLg-_327R0LQsNC9mUGOR_VhfZESduAfOMWyQ

Day # 68 “My Written 2019 Mantra”

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I don’t feel that today’s pictured quote needs any introduction… it to me clearly says everything that I have to say for how I feel about me snd my here no journey at this moment in time.

“I Am At Place In My Life
Where Peace Is A Priority.
I Make Deliberate Life
Choices To Protect My
Mental, Emotional
And Spiritual State.”

Just like the leaf falling from the tree’s heights just above Charlie Brown’s & Snoopy’s togthered embrace; I will watch as the ambered leaves fall from season changing trees and let them show me their natured and nurtured beauty rather then seeing them for the mess that they make to my home.

Symbolically the leaf in this pictured quote are representation of all those around me…
Those who work to walk beside me
& those who struggle to fall with me..

& for those who choose to walk with me
embracing me no matter how many leaves blanket my exterior
they will have the luxury of seeing me for all of whom I am.

Mentally, I have always been pretty strong & I have learned to depend largely on myself.
I know the people that embrace me
I know them intimately in my heart
but I am also very aware of who those faux fur imitators are
I know who is there;
No matter how deep I go within myself
& no matter how far I push them away.

Emotionally, I get by on the smell of an oil rag;
Taking each day one day at time
Embracing the turbulence within me.
I would like work on things affecting me less,
Finding the switch that turns the negativity of others off
I am working on this as a priority
I will start with learning the words “No & Not Today”

Spiritually, I am not lost to religion
Rather I am lost to the mixed messages of the religions spoken & written words.
I am deeply sound in my own hearts beliefs
& I know that my journey isn’t in finding a higher God
its in finding my own very self.

So whilst  today’s daily blog posts pictured quote doe not need any introduction… I feel that it needs a concluding statement that will become my “2019’s To Work On Mantra.”

I will sit upon my own hearts benched seat blind folded & alone in all of 2019’s seasons. I will wait in silence as people come and go & I will embrace those who wish to communicate with me – not through their spoken words but through the promises and their actions.

& as the last day of 2019 comes to its last seconds end
those who remain will be held strongly in my embrace.


For me 2019 is the year of cleansing,
Working on me and my life’s journey
Ploughing through the lifeless crops
That blanket my fields with promise of seasons of goodness
But deliver little when those season’s turn to dust.

2019 is my year
My year to find my okayness in who it is  that I am
Giving into no sentimental attachments
Screaming loudly… “you are either in or you are out.”

” 2019 this is my written & spoken mantra
A written plan that isn’t at all fool proof
But it is a worded mantra
That I walking and working on & through you with.”

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 67 – “The Hunger That Drives Me”

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I think that this pictured quote sums up any person’s strength throughout the journey of their life, it very much is a testament to my own personal life’s journey.

I can in many stages of my life see how the quote that it scribes sings to my own personal journey through my many struggles of my mind and bodies health.

“Sometimes It’s Not About Who Has The Most Talent, But About Who’s Hungrier.”

I decided many years ago to push through the pile of life’s bullshit, seeing myself through to other side where a moment of clarity would see me through the haze of tears that I would often cry.

Pushing through my life’s pain, especially my “Multiple Sclerosis Hurdles” didn’t make me oblivious to the struggles that many have thought that I haven’t come to terms with… these struggles have made strong in my own stance and given me the strength to find something to smile about at the end of each pain filled day.

My life wasn’t full of ambitious moments and it certainly wasn’t full of money or riches… and whilst it has been full of my mind and body playing out a one sided boxing match inside and throughout my body… I chose to look at these moments as moments in time where my body chooses to communicate with me to teach me the strength of never giving up.

I may have my fair share of these moments and my Ms may at times giving me a deeper slice of pain then normal… but what keeps me going every day is my hunger that has me wanting to see my Self Made Family grow into the group and single entities that they are.

I have a hunger in me that doesn’t give me any leeway.. it keeps me pushing on to the tomorrow’s that come with each dawn… my talent isn’t in being a boxer it is in taking the bullshit of life and the painful moments of my Ms and turning them into stories that give me in my darkest days the reason to stand up and take a deep breath.

Whilst I was born into this world with a great deal of inner strength; there are days when I too flounder…not everyday is rosie but not everyday needs to see my tears

Giving up isn’t and will never be written on my timeline… I have a life that has many replenishing moments & people and this is the very hunger that drives me.

Pushing is all that I can do.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 66 – “ What Peeves Me Off ? ”

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snow_white_-_grumpy.jpgWe all have those little things that linger within us that boil up our tempers.. & I for sure am nobody different.

What serve to peeve me off more than anything else in this world is how we as humans we are never content with the ” here & now moments of our lives. ” How can we as Parents & or Leading Members of our Families ever truly get to teaching our children the significance of traditions when we keep skipping and jumping from one holiday/celebration into the next.

It was only Christmas Eve 2018 just a few days ago and what was on sale and were being highly publicised ” Hot Cross Buns ” – a wonderful Easter yummy treat that in my opinion was 4 months to early… I sure do love ” hot cross buns ” but I love them even more when they are a seasonal treat and not a readily available sweet treat all year round.Lets not get into the argument of easter eggs being available at this time of year… here  in Australia it is 39-43 degrees (99-107 degrees fahrenheit) who has the room in their refrigerated spaces to home Easter gifts for the next 4 months.

I wasn’t at all surprised to see the “Valentines Day – Cupid, Love smothering cards ” beautifully place throughout the stores…. seriously its exhausting getting over the Christmas & New Years run and running straight into the girth of yet another celebratory money spinner.

Don’t get me wrong … I love all the little all the little celebrations that we share and express to, with & for each other but when was the last time that we watched human behaviours and noticed that we have become an easy come and easy go society.

This Christmas I asked a few of my nieces and nephews as well as a few of my friends Children what Christmas meant to them… of course they without hesitation spluttered out ” Presents “… it truly saddens me when I hear them say this… I know they are children and full of excitement and expectations but Christmas has truly lost it’s meaning.. how many children today truly know the meaning behind Christmas. (I know that Christmas is an exciting time.. and that children do indeed get caught up in the hype of Christmas and in all the presents under the tree… but if we don’t stop to teach our Children the religious beliefs of Christmas, and the meanings of the many celebrations throughout the year, along with the reasons behind the need for much needed family time…. I cant help but wonder what will happen when there is no-one left to teach them that togetherness is important?).

I watched from the side lines of a Christmas celebrations when people had a present in their possession and had barely unwrapped and were waiting on tender hooks for the next gift. What ever happened to reading the hand written card that told the recipient who a gift was from and expressing gratitude for the remembrance…?

I as a parent have always asked my children to see past the gift wrapping and the excitement of the wrapped gift and go straight to the card that has a far greater meaning written within it.. ” maybe I’m way to bloody annoyed by other people but I for one would rather receive a handwritten note expressing how I was thought about…. ” there for me is no better gift than a book that could express my years thought or be covered in my yearly long scribbles… a journal, a diary a sketch pad that will us through the whole tear… the gift that everyday reminds us that in the giving of this book someone truly thought of me in this special moment of giving.

This year I struggled with a few people’s ignorance when I sounded that I think that we all should take time out of our years grind and sit down into a yearly holiday of ” Thanksgiving ” the response from many was this is an American Holiday.. & I always had the come back line ” being grateful shouldn’t be a holiday it should be a human practice… sharing with others our gratitude that is given to for and by others shouldn’t need a holiday .. that we should freely express how others have impacted our lives.”

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So today’s blog post is all about ” What Gets My Goolies – What Really Peeves Me Off” – ” What Are My Pet Peeves ” – or ” What Pisses Me Off ” … well the answer is simple ” the lack of here and now togetherness of what it is that we should be Celebrating in ” – Christmas Day had just turned over into the calendar day and already people were asking “what are you doing for New Years?” One of my loved ones even jumped right in and spoken of what he would like to do for Easter – just 4 months away… I found myself apologising when I snapped and said ” Cant we just enjoy Christmas that I was to bloody exhausted to give a care for the next event planning run”…

I can’t be the only one who would like to see the world slow down, is it any wonder why people ask “where did the year go?”… well I always ask the same question… did you stop long enough in your hop, skip and jumping life to actually see the day that was just yesterday? … we are as humans so adapted to planning for our tomorrow’s we cannot see what we have in our today’s.. the days and years are going so fast… speeding past us because we are never content being in our here and now present.

A quote that I feel sums up my thoughts on today’s daily blog post is this…

“Mother Theresa – “Yesterday is gone. tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. let us begin.”

I do strongly believe in the saying “Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift , that is why it called – The Present – live for our today’s for our tomorrow’s are never promised.”

Lastly I want to say this… This world that we live in… the place that we call home is forever changing… what was yesterday… will not be in tomorrow’s plan… we are just travellers of our world & we are just passing through… so if we are insistent on calling the world home and want to make it our forever stop then why don’t we just sit still long enough to enjoy our here & now?

img_3067.jpgI would love to see us slow down and enjoy our here and now’s, take time out to celebrate with our loved ones the remembrance that they bestow upon us… learn gratitude and thankfulness.. but more than anything learn that “Time goes by so quickly, people come and go out of our lives, that we should learn to stop for a while and hear and feel their presence around us, that changes happens every moment of the day whether we like it or we don’t… that we should enjoy every moment in celebration and in remembrance but one day soon enough all that we have in our here and now will be tomorrow’s long since passed memories – Tanya Kelly.”

Bernard Kelvin Clive Wrote – ” Your Dreams Will Not Die – “Today, just take time to smell the roses, enjoy those little things about your life, your family, spouse, friends, job. Forget about the thorns -the pains and problems they cause you – and enjoy life”

Written By
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 65 – Healing Myself

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In today’s daily write; I writing about how I as a person I have given myself the room to heal myself and how I am continuing to heal myself so that I could make room in my world, in my heart, in my mind and most importantly within myself to bring about the changes that will work with me in order to bring myself into my happier and self-actualised me.
I will not go as far as allowing myself to blame others for the rough spots that have plagued my life, I own my share in my unhappiness & am more than ready to continue rebuilding myself into the person that I know exists in me.

I have known hardship & I have lost myself but here I stand, still moving forward, growing stronger each day. I will never forget the harsh lessons in my life & how they made me stronger.

I know now that I am ready for me to love me… farewell to the days that I have said tomorrow is another day… I am so ready for that someday of building and wanting the changes in my day to be today.

In a quote written by Heidi Delliare – LoveWideOpen.com I sit in agreement with her quote that goes like this:-

you-have-to-heal-your-own-heart-and-then-the-32489476.png

What this quote says to me is this: –

in order for my heart
To enter its amended state
I must at first
Own my wows
My heart aches
And uncloak my inner struggles
And let them finally be seen
Own them
And be allowing of me so proud of their journey
Bringing me forth to the me
That is free of the struggles that weigh
Ever so heavily upon me.
Freeing me from my hearts hurt
Delivering me to the changes in my life
That Will shortly after follow.

I know that in the past year I have been writing a fair bit about me, my inner child, my inner hurts, my inner pains, my memories, my life events, the people that surround me… Before I started writing full time again back in January 2018,  I was already aware of the benefits of writing things down. I knew that by writing letters and owning my thoughts that I would be free of my burdens someday.

I knew that the letters and the thoughts that flowed through me; were the very barriers that held me back. I knew back then that I was becoming isolated within and by myself and I knew that if something didn’t change and soon that I would become a made-up version of myself. I was very much in the know that I had become closed off and in need of something or something’s to change deep within me.

Things were piling up in my mind & the stress was starting to show… so I thought what the hell why not go back to the one thing I knew that I could do (write) and mix it with my counselling skills and practices… I sat to begin my writing therapy and have learned that my inner demons were demanding an identity and their story was yelling to be told.

I am not saying that I have pulled out of my writing therapy without opening wounds that I wasn’t in the know of their existence … I knew that I would at some point feel flat and exhausted by the experience but I knew oh too well that my road wasn’t going to be an easy one & I knew that the very part of me that I have forever hidden and ignored would eventually surface.

In process of my issues in me surfacing, I knew that I would face my darkness opening to the barriers buried deep within me I knew that someday these dark moments would someday help me to heal my heart.

I am living & breathing  and I am certainly not 100% free of my demons; but I am free of the hurting heartache that had prevented me from being me. I am not yet fully autonomised, but I am finally free to be me & as open as I can be.


There is a song that sums up my journey of me becoming me… the happier me… the guarded me who knows that I was ready to fight for me and the very ideals that work to make me strong, healing me from my inside out.

This song’s title is the (“Fight Song – By Rachel Platten… it goes something like this:-

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosionsmallboat.gif

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I’m chasing sleep
Everybody’s worried about me
In too deep
Say I’m in too deep (in too deep)
And it’s been two years I miss my home
But there’s a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong (I’ll be strong)
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

Know I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

View The Fight Song Music Video Here


“The Fight Song” reminds me of my strength and metamorphosis into the person of whom I was intended to be “Flaws and All.”

Since writing this piece back in middle of 2018; I have embarked on may self driven journeys & am currently baby stepping it into the changes that I have asked myself to make.
untitled.pngI am after all on a journey of “Becoming My Autonomised Self”… with a tag line blurting out the words “In 2019 I Will Learn To Say Yes To Me… & No To Others.”

Today wont see me to the end of my “Becoming My Autonomised Self” journey but tomorrow I will be that much further own the road for starting my journey.


Written By
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 64 – “I Can Do It” – Louise Hay – 365 Days Of Daily Affirmations (Jan 2nd)

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I was gifted a present for Christmas.. from my blogging buddy Lauren, Her gift was a 365 daily affirmation calendar by Louise Hay – Titled “I Can Do It.”

So I was on receivership of Lauren’s well packaged “contacted” (book wrapping/covering) covered package.. I told her that I would embark on a writing journey where I would go day by day through the 365 day affirmations calendar  (with no sneaky peaky looksie’s at what affirmations are coming up).

So for each day of Louise Hay’s 365 Day Affirmation Calendar I would sit & write something for each written affirmation page that I turn.

So today being January 2nd… Louise Hays daily affirmation was… “Today I open My Heart, Knowing That Love Guides My Every Decision.”

©Louise Hay “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations


What this written quote by Louise Hay says to me is this:-

I have been busy taking a hard look at me as of late. I can see how it is that I put myself last of the list for the things that I need (personal needs)… I have always known and seen that I put others ahead of myself… my family & their needs are very important to me & I know that putting myself last has started to take its toll.

So in realisation and after taking some time out to look at myself I know that I have needs that are now having to be put forward & be put onto the priority list… “I & my must have needs have to become my own priority.”

In 2019 I will be learning to take my share and gain some of the things that I nee.. letting go of feeling guilty for what I need.

Self care will let me see that I am important to me… & that putting myself and my needs forward will not make me any less loved or unwanted by others.

2019 has delivered me a need for self care & the okayness to say I value myself enough to tell myself that I am deserving of my needs.


So there it is my daily blog based upon Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations. (Dated January 1st).

So thanks a bunch Lauren for getting my cogs spinning in a moment of self giving. A writing journey that will show me that the inner power & attitude of “I Can Do It” does indeed live in me.

I will be from time to time be sharing what I write in my writing journey of Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations. I am inspired explore my thinking’s and thoughts as well as what the meaning of Louise Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations in a 365 day writing challenge.

Written By
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 63 – ” Happy New Year “

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newyearToday should be day no#88 of my 365 Day Blogging Journey… but I have decided to start from where I left off instead of trying to catch up on the days that I either missed or was way to bogged down by… there was so much going on over Christmas… the  celebrations/get togethers, shopping for Christmas… Christmas Day itself… not to mention the many visitors that we had & of course the New Years slurry To have sat down in the lack of available time to write a post of any kind would have given me just one more task that would have served to push me and my equilibrium to an unstable centre.

So here I am… thankyou to all those who have messaged me over the Christmas / New Years break.. & a special thankyou to all those who has sent beautiful cards and or presents. even my mail out is still sitting on my table and I will get it to those who are being very patient with me just as soon as time permits but let me thank those who have messaged, checked on me… sent me letters cards and gifts again… I am so very appreciative and thankyou from the bottom of my heart for taking time out of your busy rightfootedChristmas / New Years Schedules to adorn me with such beautiful treasures.

Firstly Happy & A Very Belated “Merry Christmas To You All, Happy New Year… ” here is to wishing you all the positive vibes that will you see you through to a great 2019….. 2019 can you believe it? wow how time seems to be flying by.

Todays blog post comes with a version of the following quote that I saw Last night on Facebook as 2018 rolled into 2019 – When The Countdown To The New Year Begins Raise Your Left Foot, That Way You Start The New Year Off On Your Right Foot
newyer2019.jpgSo here I am walking along with you all in our blogging journey’s, wishing you all the greatest of wishes for the new year and the days that will surely follow.

I am excited & energised to be back at my  daily blogging writes… & I look forward to reading everyone’s daily writes.

Again Happy New Year Fellow Bloggers & Followers Of 365 Day Somethings.

Written By
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #62 – ” Dear Past Me… “A Note To My Younger Self ”

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Below is a writing exercise that is titled “A Note To My Younger Self “

“A Note To My Younger Self “is a letter to my yesterday’s self that reflects upon my journey of many challenges… this is blog post is a writing exercise  that offers up insight to the life’s path that I have walked… offering up insight but not enough to alter the path of my younger self’s future


imagesX5M45SKZ“A Note To My Younger Self ” …

Many years have passed since we have entered this world & learned to walk, talk, eat, drink & sleep through the night. Much has happened but I am her as proof that  we survived.

As A child we were a quiet book loving introvert who kept to herself & managed to evolve in a small company of who we called close friends. Our childhood wasn’t always easy and many struggles kept us locked away in self protection mode.

My dearest past self here are my words that I will tell you about the Me that makes up Us…

Some of our journey will be heart breaking, our resolve will be surely tested. Some of what we will go through will for sometime hold us back – we will grow to be introverted liking more and the company of only we but this too i have learned will become a lesson in love and trust… forgiveness wont be easy and why should we offer forgiveness you will surely ask but I will tell you why my younger self and it is simply because if we do not learn to listen to the what we know in our hearts, we will pull ourselves through the struggle and never get loving us.

As we got older we learned to trust the people we felt safe and sheltered by, we should have known then that everything has an expiry date… even the relationships that make our days seem brighter.

lovedbymeAs a teen our relationships evolved and at many key times we were happy and blissful in our own bubble. The weekends were filled with get togethers, bbq’s and swimming… adventures to the sea side and the occasional weekends away.

We have entered into relationships with others some good and some bad. Some of these relationships dissolved with mutual agreement and others passed on through natural progression. We in our own opinion always put fourth a foundation of treating others as we would treat ourselves and we have been know for often putting others first but at age 42 (the age i am today January 13th, 2018) I know that I must work on putting us first. For you my younger self in our years to come we will go through many hurdles in the years that will pass.

Friends will come and others will pass, people that we hold deer and close to our heart will push us to the limits of our very core – the struggles associated will in time pass, but the length of time and longing ness for the familiar voices will never leave.

Our life isn’t all dreary… our self created family will become your everything. They will fill your days with the strength that you will hold, they will be your everything. Family to us is the very centre of our core.

Our health will have its hurdles… most will come and go…. but someday soon in your future you will become aware of that little something that has ailed us should be the imagesCUK1UK9K.jpglittle voice you should listen to. As hard as some days will become; we too will survive this… this journey maybe ours to be on, but I feel that we were given the task to teach others along the way. Hold on tight, not everyday is easy… but we certainly could, would & should learn to be a little easier on us…yesterday’s self we were born headstrong, independent, open minded and very determined to be who we want to be, but yet I know from experience that I have been to hard at me.

My younger self I could only wish that I was more confident in the me I cover up. I am less self spiritual (I have lost my way in my faith, but I do not “Denounce God”). I feel he has tested me and handed me far greater than my share… but my younger self “We meaning you .. will to survive this.”imagesBI02AO9I

Someday beside you will walk with one of this earths greatest souls, together hand in hand. You need not be told who this may be because someday soon a face will become part of we. Learn the lessons that unity has installed, not every day will be roses but love and foreverness will become the everything that you will become.

Let your face and heart be held tightly, let him caress your heart and soul, let the depth of your unity be the bubble that will surround you both.. everyday will be a journey of strength and of struggle but if you have faith in the path that I have already walked; you too my younger self will know the true side of forever love.

Enjoy your journey my younger self, there is much coming your way. Don’t let others imagesTJW3XC2Acurve your enthusiasm or dim the fire in your soul. What others think of as arrogance will serve you well.. stay strong for who you are; for who you will become will be forever faithful to the very person that you will become.

” I wish I could protect you, or show you even more of the journey that you are yet to take.. but I cannot alter your reality  but I do hope that your journey is different now that our life’s insights are yours.

I want you to know that I know our journey may be at times difficult, but I now at the stage in my life; like the view from where I write this note to you.”

Written By
Author. Tanya Kelly
“A Note To My Younger Self”
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #61 – ”My Cracked Mirrored Pane”

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Almost like a mirrored tile sitting way up there on a dull lit wall, I find myself gazing into a cracked mirrored pane in the wall that appears to be showing me a reflection of the person in my soul, beckoning and yearning my very glance, not wanting me to be afraid of it or even walk on by.

I sit and glare at the cracked mirrored pane for hours it does seem, wondering with curiosity if anyone can see the cracked mirrored image starring back at me. The reflection in the cracked mirrored pane may mirror my every move but to me it appears to look nothing like me.

Curious; I question what, why and whom is this shadowed figure is playing in my mind. I watch for hours till the sun has set and see that the characteristics of the shadowed face can barely now be seen.

Is the shadowed figure lonely, or looking for a place to sleep?

Hours pass and I catch a glimpse of the shadowed figure trapped near the surface of the cracked mirrored pane. No longer is it mirroring me; my actions, behaviours or even my gentle yet curious smile. No longer can I see its glance for it no longer seeks my attention as i stare at it from where i sit.

The shadowed reflection stands directly behind me now brought fourth by lighting shinning down upon the wall.

I can see the shadowed figure but no longer seek the answers to whom and what it is, for I have become aware that i am who is appearing from the cracked mirrored pane. My selfreflect.pngfigureless shadowed face a reflection of my lonely soul. I can see myself so clearly now, so vivid is my reality, that through the cracked mirrored pane the true me is who I see.

The shadow that stands behind me now is the reality of whom I could be, I need not be faceless or unrecognisable by all that pass me by. The lesson that I have learned tonight has been bestowed on me by myself. I have been holding myself back from the reality of the treasured gifts that our world has to offer in abundance. I have been hidden behind my protected walls with only a small glimpse of who is me.

I had yearned for the attention of others to pull me out of my protected self. No passers by saw the real real me, protected and held in safety by my cracked mirrored pane; I became a faceless shadow trapped within my sheltered heart, a deep but not darkened place that sheltered me from being me. Through my shadowed, protective. cracked mirrored pane I have been shown the truth of whom I truly am. I never sensed that no one could ever not be seeing and hearing me. I never felt my disconnection from the world, from the truth that I hid from me. I lived my life (so I thought) just as everyone else was doing, step by step – day by day never questioning how…of why I live this way.

My intentions were to build a wall to aide in building a safe place. My fear of rejection became my hide away, i had imprisoned me. I can see myself now so vividly now and know what I must do! I do not want to be that solemn faceless shadow looking back at me.

I will take down my cracked mirrored pane and replace it with a shelf, rewarding it with my collected treasures; adornments of who I will become . Never never to be forgotten but to be reminded of the person who once lived within. It is time for me to regain myself and to take down my cracked mirrored pane so that my protected, shadowed self can join the reality of us being we.

Now there is and never was a shadowed cracked mirrored pane hiding me away from me. What is left is ME, the very me that I can be unprotected by my cracked mirrored pane, left open to reality without fear of feeling pain. I can see my world so clearly now, embracing it with both hands. I am out from my hearts protective place “my meeeeecracked mirrored pane” my journey has begun, I am learning to be me again.


My Cracked Mirrored Pane is a collection of verses into who I had become. I guess I was always very introverted, even when i was very young, preferring the company of the written world.

I could always see who I was, but through the process of my Counselling Diploma I became aware of how ridged in my self reflection & self protection that I had become… I preferred to stay blanketed rather than showing others the real & true me. 

People have the ability to gain a draw upon a misconception of people, their thoughts, tk2018behaviours, expressions and even the interpretations of another persons stories… it is after all human nature for us to question and build upon our life’s lessons and therefore our transcript into the world that is us.

For me My Cracked Mirrored Pane governs me to who I am.
I was never going to be a conformist to the ways of others wants, I was always going to be an individual and knew that this may lead me to a world where I had to become my own best friend. If I could go back and “do it all again” I don’t for one moment feel that my paths history would change me – for as hard as being so introverted is… loneliness may come and go, and at times knock even louder at the door but in reflection when all is said and done…

What My writing says here is that “I AM CONTENT IN WHO I AM” no matter what others think or feel about m and no matter what the reflection of my cracked mirrored pane may show me.

Written By
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com