Finding ḾⒺ

Here is a shortened reason for my distance from many that know and want to be around
me as well I offer up an explanation not an excuse for my lack of writing at my blog as of late.

Courage, fire & energy wraps around me tightly… encircling me, empowering me to take each stride in my path one step at a time… I have grown more comfortable.. and I am continuing the practice of listening to my inner self more and that inner critic less… I am learning to like myself and the person that I am… and I am learning to let down the personal security guards that I employed to guard my mind and its thoughts as well as my hardened heart and fire sale of a soul… they did the job that they were asked to do… but maybe to well… they eventually worked at keeping me from  the many events and social circles that were once very rich in my life.

Listing to that inner voice that we all have living  within us is a practice that we all strive to harness…. but what I have found in the  years of me learning to actually sit and listen to that inner voice, is that I had without noticing it, put way to much reliability on my inner self and as for my inner critic & my self’s security team, I most definitely allowed them to take up way to much ownership of who I am… I became way too comfortable in not being truly present and liked not living the truest e that I could.

I know now that listening to that inner me, that very inner me that for so long had me wrapped me up so tight that I became an out of control tornado when I let the spring out of my wrapped arms that held me in their grip in the last few weeks… I had to take a moment to breathe and set the new me on my life’s wanted path…. all along my security team and inner critic had me self sabotaging all the good that I was doing.

I have come out of the eye of the storming tornado… and plucked my ass off the ground… I am back on track and the new me is in the process of moving in…

I know that I have relied to heavy on the inner security and at times I have allowed myself to be hidden in the shadows of their protection… what it is that I am doing now and in this my now life, my now new normal is I am learning to live life in a world where my self-protection is assured but that I need not have all the emergency systems going at all times…

A far harder lesson to learn is learning to be less headstrong and more open-minded to see the life that I want to have… that life that I want where I could find myself not needing to be in control of every aspect of my life’s days… living in the here and now and without a head full of stress and a closet full of yesterdays scars is where I want to be found… I am here to say that I am no longer go to live as a resident of my own heart and soul’s darkness and the world that I have been hiding from.

I know & have known for the longest time that I needed to draw a new normal and let go of all the parts of me that hold me back from the life that I want to be living… I had to give room to the new me and my new energy and give flight to all that has been holding me back.

In my high-stress moments all that lives within me (all but my vital organs that is) shuts down and I simply go into silent mode… ( I call this time “my filling cabinet time” – the time where I put everything into my inner self and throw out all that isn’t serving me & throw it away for good. I have experienced this level of inner shut down before and know that my daily writing’s always take a hit… I choose to not write about my daily thoughts in times like this because all that comes out of me is the negative energy that keeps swallowed up and buried deep within my darkened soul. But what happened to me in the last few weeks is that I took the time I needed.. and I am back here as the new me… ready to put the work in that the new me needs to see.

We all need time to rebuild the us that we are inside, there is in all of us a place and time that lingers within us that holds us together at our fracturing point… stress & strains gets to us all from time to time & for some of us, we need to see our selves to a place where the waters of our lives are less turbulent and far more replenishing than we are used to… “A Stop Revive Survive Moment For Us & All That We Hold Inside.”

---

Today’s Daily Quote

“The guarantee of safety in a battering relationship can never be based upon a promise from the perpetrator, no matter how heartfelt. Rather, it must be based upon the self-protective capability of the victim. Until the victim has developed a detailed and realistic contingency plan and has demonstrated her ability to carry it out, she remains in danger of repeated abuse.” ― Judith Lewis Herman

---

I wake up and look in the mirror,
and I’m really not sure who’s looking back at me.
My heart is filled with pain,
but I still have a smile on my face.
Im living so many lives,
that I dont even know who I am.

So Im on a mission to find myself.
To seek for the person that’s waiting to be found.
I dont want to find the person that people want me to be.
I just want to find me.

I will search in my heart,
and I will search in my soul,
but once Ive found this person,
I will never let go.

Once I have found the person I am looking for,
I will bring her back to me,
to have her be the one looking back at me
when I wake in the morning.
She can show me the way,
so I can be myself day after day.

Im on a mission of finding myself, ,
To find who I want to be,
And Im not scared of who I’ll find,
Cause I’ll have to find me.

Rebeckah Schroeder
Reference – https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/finding-myself-12

---

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com