All About Me In 80 Questions!!!!!!

All About Me In 80 Questions!!!!!!

Basics

Name. Tanya (after Tania makeup)Mary Johanne (after my maternal grandmothers) Dannielle (confirmation  name) Deegens (maidens name) Kelly (Married name).

Nickname. Ms.T, Yoda Guru

Age. 43

Birthday. September 2nd, 1976

Birthplace. Blacktown Hospital Sydney New South Wales

Current Location. At Home In Sydney, New South Wales, Australia 

Eye Colour. Hazel 

Hair Colour. Dark Brown 

Piercings. 5 Piercings (2 done by myself)

Tattoos. None. Would love one but worry about getting a bad tattoo artist who will  leave me with a tattoo nightmare.

Boyfriend/Girlfriend. Stephen John Kelly (Been Together Since September  22nd, 1995.

Siblings. Brendon  (November 25th, 1974), Tracy (April 11th, 1978.

Favs.  

Colour. Blue, Medium/Dark Purples,  Olive Green, Silver, Charcoal Grey

Music. Music for me is a life line… my tastes in music rely heavily on the feelings and emotions of my day to day life.  There are way to many to list.

Sport. As a child I play netball (center, goal attack), softball (out fielder), indoor hockey, & volleyball. I like to watch clay shooting, archery, fencing, diving skeet shooting these days.

Holiday. I someday want to travel to greek islands or go on a Mediterranean cruise. Maybe see fiji, hawaiii, cocos islands or an african village. I am not much of a traveller, I like being home where I feel safe.

Food. I like many varieties of food.. Steak (medium to well), spaghetti bolognese, cavity stuffed chicken, pasta dishes (most)…  love bbq food, homemade Chinese 

Number. My Favourite Number Has Always Been #3

Movie. Dead Poets Society – Robin Williams 

Celebrity. Oprah Winfrey… A person who has steered my thoughts about me being myself in the direction of self acceptance.

Place. Yellow Rock & Woolongong Light House Are My Calming Places

Drink. Love Cocktails, Moscato (wine)..Jack Daniels & Great Northern Beer. Enjoy  orange juice, ice water and frozen drinks.

Day Of Week. Friday & Saturdays…. no run days

Month. September because it’s spring – a time for new life to begin… all is new and fresh

City. Sydney… couldn’t imagine being anything other than a Sydney sider.

Animal. Sloth.. cute and sleepy… Meerkatt… cute and sneaky, penguin … awkwardly built and fun to watch

Time Of Day. Morning, The Break Of Dawn… love the early morning quiet time … the waking of the earth and it animal sounds.

Smell. Cup cakes baking & Estee Lauder, Red Door Perfumes & Disinfectant (gives me memories of my grandmother Mary and her always clean floors).

Tv Channel. Foxtel & Music Channels On Foxtel

Song. Cher. You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me

This Or That

Hugs Or Kisses. I like either… but love the comfort of a kiss the build up & longing  of tender touch

Pepsi or Coke. Pepsi… coke is harsh

Burger King or McDonald’s. McDonald’s if I had to make a choice

Vanilla or Chocolate. Chocolate not a van of vanilla unless it creamy and not icy

Lover Or Fighter. I love hard… and am willing to fight if I am provoked or if my morals and personal values are challenged

Friends or Family. My Self Made Family Is My Preference … i love everyone that i hold in my inner circle at equal parts of who I am.

Love or Money. Love, money isn’t as important as being with people I love. Love  keeps me in grips of riches beyond  any value of money.

Listen To Someone Talk or Talking. I love To Listen… but enjoy a deep and meaningful two way conversation

Personality or Looks. Personality… I have known people who are appealing to look at and they are often vein, cold, superficial or just boring. Looks sre nothing… if tour connect with someone the persons being is all that matters

Magazines or Comics. Magazines. Enjoy a good read and catchup on worldy gossip and new trends

Pop Star or Wordup. Word up. As I do Love a mental challenge

Love

Are You In Love. I know my heart was with Steve since I was near the age of 16. My feelings and thoughts of him have never diminished.

Have You Ever Been In Love. Love takes me a long time in finding my security within it… but yes I have been

Do You Believe In Love At First Sight. I Knew That I Loved Steve Before I Truly Knew or Got To Know Him… soo yes indeed I do. I remember telling a friend of our that Steve was going to be the person that I married one day. I made this statement after only meeting Steve on two other occasions.

Longest Relationship. Comming into the 25 year stretch (September 22nd, 1995)

Kiss On The First Date. Depending… but physical connection isn’t the same as the mental and mindfull connection that I seek in others. As a rule usually no.

Ever Cheated On Someone (be honest). Yes… was awakening moment that  took me to discovering & understand ing the values and morals that I hold true and dear. We knew our relationship was over but we stayed anyway.

Random

Do You Do Drugs. Nope & Never Have

Do You Drink. Yes I Do .. I like a social drink or two

Do You Have Any Regrets. Yes… Not Becoming The Teacher That I Always Wanted To Be As A Young Child.

Ever Want To Get Married. Wish That Steve & I  Did Get Married In 1996. We did marry in October 2000.

Want Kids. Always Wanted 3 & Had 3

– Sean John Les Kelly – August 30th, 1997

– Nichaalus Adam Kelly – April 12th, 2001

– Katijana Mary Margaret Kelly – May 14th, 2006

– Lucas Jack Russell Russell Kelly – February 28th, 2017.

Do You Believe In Yourself. Yes I do… I work hard at learning all about me and the life that I have lived and want to live… I see the value in all that I do for others.

Last Movie You Saw At The Movies. Venom. Was It Good. I didn’t expect to like the movie venom because i am not a Batman or spiderman fan… but I enjoyed venom and it comical story line.

Can You Handle The Truth. I prefer truth and honesty over a made story or answer.. truth hurts at times but real and lasting relationships are made up every little struggle we go through.

Biggest Fear. Dying Alone

Most Missed Memory. Childhood events that I chose to forget to save me from heartache 

First Thought Waking Up… arrg what time of day do tou call this? Most days up at 4am

How Do You Want To Die. Holding the hand of Steve… one breath at a time speak nothing but my love for him

Do You Get Along With Your Parents. Yes when our attitudes and differences are aligned 

Do You Swear. Yep at times like a sailoYep a puppy. Lucas Jack Russell Kelly (February 28th, 2017) got him at 5 weeks old

Have You Ever Passed Out. Yeah .. once drank a whole ready to drink pack with a friend and slep out my backyard for a few hours. Crashed car back in 1997 and passed out… been sick a many a times and passed out also.

Do You Party. Do when I do.. but  not often

Did You Get Good Grades. Yes except for my  10th year when I deliberately set out to fail. Have always been and keen to learn student.

Do You Believe In

God. I believe that there is higher than ourselves.

Religion. We all believe in something… religion may not be the title of our belief…but yes in some ways I do.

Aliens. We cant be the only living things in this entire world and universe… yes I believe there is something out there.

Ghosts. Yes I certainly believe that we when we dye never completely passover for one reason or another.

Afterlife. I at time believe that we live in a world between hell and earth… that we when we passover go to earth or hell.

Myself. Like I said up above…  I work hard at learning all about me and the life that I have lived and want to live… I see the value in all that I do for others.

Karma. Yep I believe that there is most definitely an equal, opposite and reactive power to everything that we say, do and am.

Magic. I believe that we all have the ability to be shown differences in the reality of what we are actually supposed to be seeing.

In A Boy

Eye Colour. Any

Hair Colour. Dark

Short Or Long Hair. Either but well taken care of is a preference.

Height. At least- 5 foot 6 and above

l Either way as long as they have meaning and are well represented.

Just Cute Or Sexy. Looks are nothing… personality and honourable behaviour all the way.

Hobbies. I like a man who has interests that he loves, enjoys and wants to share what his experiences are or have been.

One Girl Man. I am not a person who can share.

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There We Go…. some short Q&A’s about me…. I Challenge you to look the above Q&A’s and answer them with yourself in mind… & if you are wanting to know anything else about me… please drop me a line.

Signed

Tanya

https://365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Writing Exercise Given To Me By My Online Writing Friend.

Last Monday (August 19th, 2019), I waa given a writing task by my online writing friend Maggie McLeod.

Maggie & my other online writing friend Lauren Swanberg feel that when I write something in any my daily writings that I write in a long winded manner snd have little to no self restraint in keep to a word or time limit… well I am not ashamed to admit that they are right in calling me out on my inability to just cut to the chase of my daily writings… & yep if I don’t have to keep to a time limit or word count then things seem to appear on my page or computer screen in a long winded verbal stout that happens between my mind that is always full of thought and my pen & paper that seems to dribble snd scribble out all that I hold within.

So the exercise instructions were this… write 1 page daily writing (no more, no finishing a sentence or thought on the next page… write 1 page and stop, even if I an to stop mid thoughts… oh geeeze 1 page…I never write just 1page)… when done send it to our online, anytime chat yo be reviewed on

Monday August 26th, 2019… well my dearest friendly writing accountability writers… I told you that I can write in short and that I don’t always need to write in a long winded manner…

So I took on my writing accountability friends and their daily writ& proposed that she send me a topic or subject line every day through this weeks writing task, I asked that she sent her daily topic or subject daily so that i would be held accountable for each day’s writing in each days here and no without being able to see the following days writings… I asked this of a Maggie because I know me…. I knew oh to well that if I was to be given the weeks topic or writing subject that I would just sit down and get the rask at hand done… I wanted to experience each days writing topic/subject as it came; 1 day at a time.

Challenge Excepted (please don’t tell Maggie that I Love Love Love challenges and love even more the concept of someone else asking me questions that they would like to have me answer… or have me look at topics that they think up.

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Day # 1 –

“ Who would you choose to play you in the move of your life & why? ”

In my weekly catch up meeting with my two American friends, I was given a 7 day writing task that would have me answer 1 question daily for 7 days.

Question 1. Who would you choose to play you in the move of your life & why? The answer to this question would be a toss up between Mary.J Blige &

Christina Aguilera, both these women have fought hard to pull themselves out of the betrayals of their youth, sexual abuse and the very deeply felt feelings of shame and uninpowerment.

Believing that we were not only powerless but also the very reason they were violated and devistatingly hurt beyond all trust. They have both become powerful delivers of messages of self worth through their voice their musical words & lyrics.

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Day # 2 –

“ Do you think that we die with the same soul that we are born with?”

I personally don’t feel that anything ever stays the same. How could it?… we are always learning and changing aspects of who we are in order to keep in touch with life’s changing ways.

I do however believe that our soul no matter what we experience in life is ever completely written over, there for sure would be part of our yesterdays soul, this part of yesterday’s soul I feel would find it’s way home in the morals, ethics and values that we build for ourselves and our lives that we build for ourselves.

Our souls are the purifiers of all that passes through our mind, bodies & heart. The bearer of all that we are.

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Day # 3 –

“ What does being spiritual means to you? ”

It is worth me noting that there was a time that religion had a place in my heart, what I am saying here is this; I am not not religious it is just that religion has left me with

Far more questions than the answers that I seek.

For some people religion and spiritual connections go hand in hand, but in my life I feel that religion and spirituality live in worlds that are far apart from each others realistic vision, earthy vibes & of course what they mean to the people believing in the practices of both.

Spiritual means what it is that I feel inside, the power that gives my body the fuel and the inner moral standing to stand tall in the face of everything that wants to hold me down.

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Day # 4 –

“ What is the value of laughter in your life? ”

The value of laughter in my own selves day holds an important imprint in my life. I feel that laughter is the souls life line, the medicine that gives us the opportunity to connect with others in a moment of light heartedness, no real emphasis on a behaviour, but instead laughter is a mood & a well being lifting experience that allows the mind and body to have a good giggle and jiggle.

For me, a life without laughter would be like living a life in mono-tone, I would never be able to read the non verbal cues of a person who displays no external expression.

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Day # 5 –

“ What do you most love about yourself? ”

What I love about myself is the recipe of of me that keeps me on track to becoming the best me that I can be.

I love how i am always there for people, even when I know that my friendship and giving bus has has long since sailed.

I love hard and forgive far beyond my own hearts explanation, I hold people within my inner circle closer than I do anything else in my life.

Secondly I have a few moral and value traits that I follow & abide by in my day to day life. I believe in these values and morals and stand firm footed in the belief of them, unmovable & unapologetically stuck in the core morals and values of me.

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Day # 6 –

“ If money was no object how would it change your life? ”

I have been asked this question many a times and my answer is this… of money was no object I would have to become a far greater humanitarian to others than I already sm. My best and worst parts of who I sm is the giving side that I freely begift to others. I have been told that I would rather give than receive, really a more cut my nose off to spite my face kind of a person…. I have a giving nature, so what can I say?

Money may make the world and its habits go round, we would all like a money pile, but I am a person who has all the wealth I need in the people that I have & hold dear to my heart. Money would have me sharing with those in need.

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There it is my week long writing task given to by my online writing friend Maggie, spurred on by other online writing friend Lauren…. thank you guys for giving me a time and page limit writing challenge that was a challenge to do in terms of actually writing daily… but it was in the keeping of the 1 page limit – stopping

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Signed

Tanya Kelly

http://365daysomethings.wordpress.con

”Breaking My Pride – Evelyn Fonsec

Breaking My Pride – July Faith Journal Prompts
Reference – https://www.thescribesportion.com/july-journal-prompts-pride/

I came across the referenced link titled ”Breaking My Pride – Authored By Evelyn Fonsec when I was doing some research for my daily blogging writes. From time to time I seek a written prompts that have been written by a fellow author.

I have for the last few weeks been feeling a little off in my daily writings… so from time to time, I call upon a save Pinterest posts that see me through the days when my writing energy’s and or thoughts are just not wanting to be called on or written about.

I often look for Pinterest posts that offer up a varying degree of questions… I like that the prompts or thoughts that I choose to write about give me a deeper look into my self & the inner parts of my inner thoughts…

As for Evelyn’s pinterest prompts I like the no outs of her questions and how she evokes a deeply personal thought in my response to her questions rather than having me sit wondering what I was going to write about in a daily write.

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So here is a prompt authored by Evelyn Fonsec’s from her Pinterest Post ”Breaking My Pride” of which I offer up my answer to.

• How Much Do I Struggle With Pride?
  
  Well in a self-critical moment I have put myself on the spot and delve into my insecurities… So here am I asking the question ”How Much Do I Struggle With Pride?”  Well, I am very much a self-driven person and hold a great deal of inner self-pride within and for myself… I have always been a person who has gone through things alone rather than taking up offers of help or companionship… I have on and off throughout the years tried to offer myself to people in my own self’s right-minded kind of way… I have never been one to trust easy and my pride is my reason as well as it is my self shelter… There is much time when I have chosen to remain self-contained and closely guarded and for that matter, I have also chosen when I allow myself to feel encircled by others 7 this is one thing I am not all to proud to admit to… but there are many little quirks about me that may not at all be endearing to others for these reasons and or quirks I feel that there are times when people have and do put me into the too hard basket… These reasons also seem to make me look as though I am to outwardly proud to have others bestow things, time or moments of compliments upon me. 

  Below are just a few of my inner pride tendency’s… 

  • I find it hard and almost embarrassing for someone give me gifts that mean a lot to me
  • I am always grateful for the offerings that other people offer up to me, but I find that saying thank you make me feel very open and vulnerable.
  • I try very hard not to put myself into the position where I have to say thank you to some for doing admirable things for me… I always find myself questioning then persons motives and reasons for doing things that they may do honour for me.
  • Sorry is a hard word for me to say… However when and if I find that the word sorry has to be said I am at all times honourable and meaning in my deliverance. I admit that I rarely put myself in the position of finding my self in the position to say sorry.. this may sound self conceited but sorry isn’t a word that I like to use because I at all times strive to be the most honest person that I can be.
  • more than anything else I absolutely hate being raw and vulnerable to people… Especially to those who I feel have a very deep place in my heart.. I am so very very scared of being hurt by the actions of others using what is me and my true self against me.
  • I feel so very strongly about the relationships and friendships that I hold for those who I chose to be around that I spend a great deal of time in getting to know them and their ins and outs before I actually can openly admit that I truly trust them.
  • I am always honest with people and am very much aware of how intimidating my honesty and truth riddled ways can and does at times makes others feel uncomfortable or that I myself make myself hard to get know.
  • I have many levels of friendships and it is true that I allow very few into my inner circle… I also admit that some of longest known friends are still in be known to them are still very much exist in my utter circle due to lack of trust, or even some of them rarely show their degree of loyalty to me… This could be over something as simple as watching me from the outside when they could very much be helping and standing by me in my troubled times.
  • I may act as though I am tough and hard to like, to get to know, or even in getting to love but the truth is that this is one of my self preservation modes… I rather be hard on the outta exterior of myself and allow room for others to climb over my tightly enclosed walls.
  • I’m a giver and give way to much… I love to share with others the things that I love.
  • I take forever to learn to love and for that matter to like others… But when I do love and like some one love and love hard with all that I am… Love of a mate or a friendship is a forever thing for me. 

I may never break the ”Breaking Me Pride” that makes up me… I am not ashamed to admit that the above things that I have shared, they are just a few of ingredients that have helped in making me into the person that I am.

I have always been told that I am and act way to proud; that I hold myself way to tight and way to within my outer bounds… I have over the last year worked very hard on not listening or taking into myself the word’s and thoughts of others… But there is indeed a major part of me that does indeed listen to others…why do I listen…? Because I pride myself on listening to the people that I am in communication with… And for those people who I see as part if my tomorrow’s future, I offer them my personal respect in hearing them both verbally and none verbally… But. Am aware that I do have at time a lack of filter when it come to the parts of a conversation that is used in a detrimental way to about or against me…

Another of my fault lines is that I need to learn to put time into hearing about  me and my own life’s endeavours within my own hearts words and not in and around the words of others. What “Breaking My Pride” means to me is, me stopping the internalisation of things that people say to or about me… Learning to filter the negative aspects of what keeps me sitting down at a table with people who offer me little layer acceptance to whom it is that I am… My pride is indeed the mechanical part of me that keeps me locked into the cycle of not allowing my pride to say ”this isn’t respectful to me and or to the way that I feel; that I have the right to be treated as I would like to be treated”… My pride keeps me from truly being the very person that I am…I hide myself deep within myself… Far deeper than many are willing to delve into… And then pride part of me is ok with the level of sacrifice and international behaviours that others have to and for me.

I will now say this.. My pride is the very thing that keeps me upright.. Balanced… Self assured and feeling safe in my own convictions… Stubbornly this is the part of me that I won’t ever change or renege on… Remaining who I am is very important to me… The above is part of my integral makeup as well as these ingredients are the mechanical mechanisms that drive me and my inner self-pride parts of me to be the person that I am in my today ’s here and now… these “Breaking My Pride” convictions will  drive me to remain the very person that I am in my todays and the very person that I will become in my many tomorrows.

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Breaking My Pride… I will never be completely comfortable in learning to break my pride…  I like my level of “pride” it is who I am after all.

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Daily Quote
Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the highroad to pride, self-esteem, and personal satisfaction.

Author. Margaret Thatcher

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Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Finding ḾⒺ

Here is a shortened reason for my distance from many that know and want to be around
me as well I offer up an explanation not an excuse for my lack of writing at my blog as of late.

Courage, fire & energy wraps around me tightly… encircling me, empowering me to take each stride in my path one step at a time… I have grown more comfortable.. and I am continuing the practice of listening to my inner self more and that inner critic less… I am learning to like myself and the person that I am… and I am learning to let down the personal security guards that I employed to guard my mind and its thoughts as well as my hardened heart and fire sale of a soul… they did the job that they were asked to do… but maybe to well… they eventually worked at keeping me from  the many events and social circles that were once very rich in my life.

Listing to that inner voice that we all have living  within us is a practice that we all strive to harness…. but what I have found in the  years of me learning to actually sit and listen to that inner voice, is that I had without noticing it, put way to much reliability on my inner self and as for my inner critic & my self’s security team, I most definitely allowed them to take up way to much ownership of who I am… I became way too comfortable in not being truly present and liked not living the truest e that I could.

I know now that listening to that inner me, that very inner me that for so long had me wrapped me up so tight that I became an out of control tornado when I let the spring out of my wrapped arms that held me in their grip in the last few weeks… I had to take a moment to breathe and set the new me on my life’s wanted path…. all along my security team and inner critic had me self sabotaging all the good that I was doing.

I have come out of the eye of the storming tornado… and plucked my ass off the ground… I am back on track and the new me is in the process of moving in…

I know that I have relied to heavy on the inner security and at times I have allowed myself to be hidden in the shadows of their protection… what it is that I am doing now and in this my now life, my now new normal is I am learning to live life in a world where my self-protection is assured but that I need not have all the emergency systems going at all times…

A far harder lesson to learn is learning to be less headstrong and more open-minded to see the life that I want to have… that life that I want where I could find myself not needing to be in control of every aspect of my life’s days… living in the here and now and without a head full of stress and a closet full of yesterdays scars is where I want to be found… I am here to say that I am no longer go to live as a resident of my own heart and soul’s darkness and the world that I have been hiding from.

I know & have known for the longest time that I needed to draw a new normal and let go of all the parts of me that hold me back from the life that I want to be living… I had to give room to the new me and my new energy and give flight to all that has been holding me back.

In my high-stress moments all that lives within me (all but my vital organs that is) shuts down and I simply go into silent mode… ( I call this time “my filling cabinet time” – the time where I put everything into my inner self and throw out all that isn’t serving me & throw it away for good. I have experienced this level of inner shut down before and know that my daily writing’s always take a hit… I choose to not write about my daily thoughts in times like this because all that comes out of me is the negative energy that keeps swallowed up and buried deep within my darkened soul. But what happened to me in the last few weeks is that I took the time I needed.. and I am back here as the new me… ready to put the work in that the new me needs to see.

We all need time to rebuild the us that we are inside, there is in all of us a place and time that lingers within us that holds us together at our fracturing point… stress & strains gets to us all from time to time & for some of us, we need to see our selves to a place where the waters of our lives are less turbulent and far more replenishing than we are used to… “A Stop Revive Survive Moment For Us & All That We Hold Inside.”

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Today’s Daily Quote

“The guarantee of safety in a battering relationship can never be based upon a promise from the perpetrator, no matter how heartfelt. Rather, it must be based upon the self-protective capability of the victim. Until the victim has developed a detailed and realistic contingency plan and has demonstrated her ability to carry it out, she remains in danger of repeated abuse.” ― Judith Lewis Herman

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I wake up and look in the mirror,
and I’m really not sure who’s looking back at me.
My heart is filled with pain,
but I still have a smile on my face.
Im living so many lives,
that I dont even know who I am.

So Im on a mission to find myself.
To seek for the person that’s waiting to be found.
I dont want to find the person that people want me to be.
I just want to find me.

I will search in my heart,
and I will search in my soul,
but once Ive found this person,
I will never let go.

Once I have found the person I am looking for,
I will bring her back to me,
to have her be the one looking back at me
when I wake in the morning.
She can show me the way,
so I can be myself day after day.

Im on a mission of finding myself, ,
To find who I want to be,
And Im not scared of who I’ll find,
Cause I’ll have to find me.

Rebeckah Schroeder
Reference – https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/finding-myself-12

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Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

“ I’m Still Whispering To Myself ”

Today’s daily writing is brought to the forefront by the below meme Written By – Rachel – Bruised But Not Broken –

Reference – https://www.facebook.com/bruisedbutnotbrokensoulwork/

I’m still whispering to myself, Talking my way through the horror. “You’re not a little girl anymore you can do this.” And as I do, I question how many other little girls Are still clawing their way back up From the battlefield within And I make the conscious decision to raise my voice “You’re Not A Little Girl Anymore, You Can Do This.”

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By now and through the reading of my daily writings you can see that not only save/collect but also use meme’s or quoted poems, sayings or blog phrases that other authors have written.

Why do I use the writings of others in my daily writings you ask? The answer is quite simple… I use the writings of others to convey in a shortened pose the meaning/message of my daily writings… sometimes the memes that come across my computers screen say the very thing that I want to say or am feeling at any given moment in a meaningful and condensed way… you see my writings are often long-winded and full of explanation… explanations that are not giving my readers or myself a long-winded blah blah blah conversation that leads them into a long-winded reason for my writings, my thoughts, my deepest minded feelings… the long-windedness of my writings is for my benefit… I like to write in length for I feel that someday when I find myself back at my writing on a page that I will be able to see a visual of myself through the words that have been given a descriptive voice on the days when my writings were written… I have indeed tried to write in short… but I find that I am not as in touch with the daily accounts and feelings that I was feeling on the actual day of my dated writings.

My daily writings are for me a written chronicle of my life and its many stories… the chronicled stories of my yesterday’s past my today’s accounts and my tomorrow’s dreams… my writings are for my future’s years… the days that I will look back on the journey that has mouldered me into the me I am…

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What I want to see in my future self are the tears that I will cry when I re-read the journey that has given me the life that I have lived… I can’t wait to relive the moments and the memories that may or may not have escaped the vault of my mind… but more than than anything I cannot wait to see the growth of that little 8-year-old inner child “who I have named Karen” looking back at me through the open doors that my chronicled story es have open and given her life from… I want that little girl to remember how far we have come through the hurting and the pain that we once endured only you become the survivors of the hand that we have been delt…

I cant wait to see her growth that very growth that will never see her grow older than the 8 years that she is today… and I can’t wait for her to tell me that no matter how old I get and how aged my outta appearance gets that she too see’s me as that 8-year-old holding onto her as the years passed us by.

What was once our line of worded survival “You’re not a little girl anymore you can do this” will someday be the memorial to that little girl that once was us; that same little girl who clawed her way back up from the battlefield that loomed in us for those many many years in our earliest of yrars, that same battlefield that gave us the winning front line that saw us become victorious to our demons and the darkness of our inner introverted self that we preferred to live within, but what I want more than anything in days when I re-read this chronicle of daily writings is pride and gall that I had for that very day when my voice roared into a powerful allie and gave me the gift and conscience decision to say that my life was worthy of finding a greater existence both in snd outside of the walls that I built for myself thise many years ago in and around my 8th year of life… that very day when I raised my voice and screamed “You’re Not A Little Girl Anymore, You Can Do This.” What I was saying way than was… I could tell my story and empower myself with the power of no! and self-survival… no to inner hurt that I felt so deep, no to the pain that engulfed me and my mind & no to staying stuck in a world that had me being my only real friend, my own self’s one and only understanding of the true me that was hidden deep within …

Someday I will remember that little girl that will always be yesterday’s part of me… I will not have to say anything for all that had to of been said would have been chronicled in my daily journey and daily writings and on this day I will reword & chant the following…

You’re so hard on yourself. Take a moment. Sit back. Marvel at your life at the grief that softened you, at the heartache that wisened you, at the softening that strengthened you. Despite everything, you still grow. Be proud of this.

Original Wording Reference – https://pin.it/ehcvajrill4sml Author. Zandra Brown

Reworded this written verse will say…

We have always been hard on yourself… All us… me, you, I and our inner critic Hard for sure, but not that hard that your heart was made of stone. You grew a voice and became our backbone & through it all, you never wished away Any part of your yesterday’s shadows Instead with nurturing arms Your took us all into your heart… You reinvented yourself And became who it is that lives and breathes Our endless words and endless dreams. Here we are in sitting in reflection; Marvelling at the life that is all of us in one, Looking fondly at the grief that softened you, at the heartache that wisened you, at the softening that strengthened you. But more importantly, we are looking fondly at The hell of a journey That delivered us much inner love and peace. Despite everything; the all that we have been through… We have grown into proving That inner strength lives in all of us. Yes, we grew And we made our path flourish… A journey of inner growth, perseverance And shear courage that kept us fired up But unscathed by the burn of our life’s paths building.

Written By Tanya Kelly July 7th, 2019

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In conclusion of today’s daily writings, I will be sharing the following meme or written verse titled “The Ocean You By Author. Nikita Gill”

The Ocean You

Every time you think you are broken, Know this; you are never really breaking. No one can break an ocean, Darling, all that you are doing, Is breaking the glass that is holding you back, Diving deeper into your own depths, Discovering yourself in pockets Of the most somber waves, Rebuilding your heart with coral, With seaweed, with moon coloured sand dust. Do stop trying to hold yourself back inside that glass, It was never meant to hold you. Instead, break it, shatter it into a thousand pieces… And become who you were always meant to be, An ocean, proud and whole.

Through the words of Nikita Gill I have had an ahh ha… yes yes that exactly what I am saying about me, we and us in the journey of our life…

My thousands of pieces kept me held back from the inner growth that was life’s blueprint… the journey that should never have been changed or altered by another… but sadly it was… instead of being the ocean that grew in it tides and became sombered waves in my personal growth I was the very glass that held myself back from the world that was beckoning me to live within its atmosphere and natured roads… the glass couldn’t hold me when I became hurt and lost… and strangely enough I know that if it wasn’t for my heartache my protective glass would have broken anyway… I became my own self’s warrior and built up the survivor within me to not only stand up with my own backbone intact… but also as the nurturing arms for others being melted down… those who are lost and screaming out for a hand to hold.

The concreted heart became delicate coral and a nurturing home, full of strength and proof that inner forgiveness builds growth and strength. Seaweed and moon coloured sand dust not only became the footings to my new proud and whole me… they have also grown in their qualities and empowerment’s and lent a hand to many.

The glass of me that once was me shattered into a thousand pieces is today that shattered glass choosing to be that thousand pieces… yesterday reflecting tears and heartache… today a kaleidoscope of all the pieces of my past that today tell the stories of how I became me.

Written By Tanya Kelly July 7th, 2019

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And finally another written meme/verse by Nikita Gill that will help to end today’s daily writings.

Reinvent yourself. Over and over again. Plant new wildflowers into your spirit. Set a wildfire inside yourself and then regrow. Take the wildest thing about you and nurture it till it blossoms. Tend to the sea that resides inside your heart and listen to its storms, washes you anew. How else will you let go of everything that causes you such terrible harm if you are still living inside the old you, the person who was so damaged by it all?

– https://www.facebook.com/bruisedbutnotbrokensoulwork/

I’m still whispering to myself, Talking my way through the horror. “You’re not a little girl anymore you can do this.” And as I do, I question how many other little girls Are still clawing their way back up From the battlefield within And I make the conscious decision To raise my voice “You’re Not A Little Girl Anymore, You Can Do This.”

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By now amd through the reading of my daily writings you can see that not only save/collect but also use meme’s or quoted poems, sayings or blog phrases that other authors have written.

Why do I use the writings of others in my daily writings you ask? The answer is quite simple… I buse the writings of others to convey in a shortened pose the meaning/message of my daily writings… sometime the memes that come across my computers screen say the very thong that I want to say or am feeming at any given moment in a meaningful and condensed way… you see my writings are often long winded and full of explanation… explanations that are not giving my readers or myself a long winded blah blah blah conversation that leads them into a long winded reason for my writings, my thoughts, my deepest minded feelings… the long windedness of my writings is for my benefit… I like to write inength for I feel that someday when I find myself bavk at my writing on a page that I will be able to see a visual of myself through the words that have been give a descriptive voice on the days when my writings were actually written… I have in deed tried to write in short… but I find that I am not as in touch with the daily accounts and feelings that I was feeling on the actual day of my dated writings.

My daily writings are for me a written chronicle of my life and its many stories… the chronicled stories of my yesterday’s past my today’s accounts and my tomorrow’s dreams… my writings are for my future’s years… the days that I will look back on the journey that has mouldered me into the me I am…

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What I want to see in my future self is the tears that I will cry when I re-read the journey that has given me life that I have lived… I can’t wait to relive the moments and the memories that may or may not have escaped my minds vault… but more than than anything I cannot wait to see the growth of that little 8 year old inner child “who I have named Karen” looking back at me through the open doors that my chronicled story es have open and given her life from… I want that little girl to remember how far we have come through the hurting and the pain thst we once endured only yo become the survivors of the hand that we we were delt…

I cant wait to see her growth, that very growth that will never see her grow older than the 8 years that she is today… and I cant wait for her to tell me that no matter how old I get and how aged my outta appearance gets that she too see’s me as that 8 year old holding onto her as the years passed us by.

What was once our line of worded survival “You’re not a little girl anymore you can do this” will someday be the memorial to that little girl that once was us; that same little girl who clawed her way back up from the battlefield that loomed in us for those many many years in our earliest of yrars, that same battlefield that gave us the winning front line that saw us become victorious to our demons and the darkness of our inner introverted self that we preferred to live within, but what I want more than anything in days when I re-read this chronicle of daily writings is pride and gall that I had for that very day when my voice roared into a powerful allie and gave me the gift and conscience decision to say that my life was worthy of finding a greater existence both in snd outside of the walls that I built for myself thise many years ago in and around my 8th year of life… that very day when I raised my voice and screamed “You’re Not A Little Girl Anymore, You Can Do This.” What I was saying way then was… I could tell my story and empower myself with the power of no! and self survival… no to inner hurt that I felt so deep, no to the pain that engulfed me and my mind & no to staying stuck in a world that had me being my only real friend, my own self’s one and only understanding of the true me that was hidden deep within …

Someday I will remember that little girl that will always be yesterday’s part of me… I will not have to say anything for all that had to of been said would have been chronicled in my daily journey and daily writings and on this day I will reword & chant the following…

You’re so hardd on yourself. Take a moment. Sit back. Marvel at your life at the grief that softened you, at the heartache that wisened you, at the softening that strengthened you. Despite everything You still grow. Be proud of this.

Original Wording Reference – https://pin.it/ehcvajrill4sml Author. Zandra Brown

Reworded this written verse will say…

We have always been hard on yourself… All us.. me, you, I and our inner critic Hard for sure, But not that hard that your heart was made of stone. You grew a voice and became our backbone & through it all you never wished away Any part part of your yesterday’s shadows Instead with nurturing arms Your took us all into your heart… You reinvented yourself And became who it is that lives and breathes Our endless words and endless dreams. Here we are in sitting in reflection; Marvelling at the life that is all of us in one, Looking fondly at the grief that softened you, and at the heartache that made you wise beyond your years, at the softening that strengthened you. But more importantly weare looking fondly at The hell of a journey That delivered us much inner love and peace. Despite everything; the all that we have been through… We have grown into proving That inner strength lives in a of us. Yes we grew And we made our path flourish.. A journey of inner growth, perseverance And shear courage that kept us fired up But unscathed by the burn of our life’s paths building.

Written By Tanya Kelly July 7th, 2019

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In conclusion of today’s daily writings, I will be sharing the following meme or written verse titled “The Ocean You By Author. Nikita Gill”

The Ocean You

Every time you think you are broken, Know this; you are never really breaking. No one can break an ocean, Darling, all that you are doing, Is breaking the glass that is holding you back, Diving deeper into your own depths, Discovering yourself in pockets of the most sombre waves, Rebuilding your heart with coral, With seaweed, with moon coloured sand dust. Do stop trying to hold yourself back inside that glass, It was never meant to hold you. Instead, break it, Shatter it into a thousand pieces… And become who you were always meant to be, An ocean, proud and whole.

---

Through the words of Nikita Gill I have had an ahh ha… yes yes that exactly what I am saying about me, we and us in the journey of our life…

My thousands of pieces kept me held back from the inner growth that was life’s blueprint… the journey that should never have been changed or altered by another… but sadly it was… instead of being the ocean that grew in it tides and became sombre waves in my personal growth I was the very glass that held myself back from the world that was beckoning me to live within its atmosphere and natured roads… the glass couldn’t hold me when I became hurt and lost… and strangely enough I know that if it wasn’t for my heartache my protective glass would have broken anyway… I became my own warrior and built up the survivor within me to not only stand up with my own backbone intact… but also as the nurturing arms for others being melted down… those who are lost and screaming out for a hand to hold.

The concreted heart became delicate coral and a nurturing home, full of strength and proof that inner forgiveness builds growth and strength. Seaweed and moon coloured sand dust not only became the footings to my new proud and whole me… they have also grown in their qualities and empowerment’s and lent a hand to many.

The glass of me that once was me shattered into a thousand pieces is today that shattered glass chooing to be that thousand pieces… yesterday reflecting tears and heartache… today a kaleidoscope of all the pieces of my past that today tell the stories of how I became me.

Written By Tanya Kelly July 7th, 2019

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And finally another written meme / verse by Nikita Gill that will help to end today’s daily writings.

Reinvent yourself. Over and over again. Plant new wildflowers into your spirit. Set a wildfire inside yourself and then regrow. Take the wildest thing about you and nurture it till it blossoms. Tend to the sea that resides inside your heart and listen to its storms, wash you anew. How else will you let go of everything that causes you such terrible harm if you are still living inside the old you, the person who was so damaged by it all?

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Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

“ Kintsugi & Mushin – Broken & Repaired Japanese Pottery ”

“We are all broken, that’s how the light gets in…”

Call me strange but I quite like the broken pieces of me that helped in moulding me the very person that I am… the struggles that I have endured in the years of my life haven’t A funny and slightly rude saying has been playing over and over in my head for the past few days “ I Am Completely Fucking Broken Inside ”

(I know  you hate the word broken Ms. Maggie… But being broken has taught me many things and those things have given the person that I am in my here and now a many gifts).

What a funny little saying it is if you don’t mind me saying… I bet that you have heard the famous quote thought up and written down by Ernest Hemingway about broken people and or about the broken parts that make broken people them….!! always been a walk in the park & they most certainly haven’t been days, months & years that haven’t brought on moments of questioning, double takes and tearing moments of fear… but what my broken pieces have given me is a strength unmeasurable by any measurement known to man… the very fact that I am here writing down my many chronicled stories of my life this far gives me and my many thousands of pieces a place to call home.

I have never felt the burden of the imperfections of my broken self… I love that life hasn’t had me living in a bubble protected from the reality of the real world…

I see my self as a nurturer of the many parts of me that are quite capable functioning just as well as a normal person does and would. What the hell is normal besides the setting on the dryer? There is no such thing as normal… not one living and breathing person is extinguished from feeling the wrath of life and its many hiccups and speed humps that we come across in our day to day lives.

I like to tell people that my broken pieces resonate well with the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery; an art called Kintsugi 金継ぎ – meaning golden repair… Kintsugi is where broken pottery is repaired by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum, a method similar to the make-e technique. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise. So I see myself at a piece of art with a titled name of Kintsugi 金継ぎ…. the genuine, tender and morally driven parts of my heart, mind and soul are the golden lacquered joinery’s that are very much a part of my life’s history.. the historic parts of me that hold me in an upright stance; taking life head-on without flinching or diversion. I am through the many lessons that life has thrown at me become a broken piece of pottery named Kintsugi 金継ぎ who embraces all her broken pieces and belies that my broken pieces make my heart, mind, soul and the vessel (my body) a person that has far more beautiful qualities within the aura of my broken pieces.

I see myself as a whole and a working wonder of much good that I do to and for others in my life… I love my life and all that I stand for; happily, I stand firm in my well-built footings, standing strong in the winds of life that swirl in and out of my life… I am living my life embracing all parts of me… broken, flawed, imperfect or otherwise.

In some roundabout kind of way, I am working toward living my life in a some sort of mixed matched Japanese Philosophy called “Mushin.”

When I say that I want to live my life eventually in some sort of mixed matched version of a person who wants to encompass a certain lifestyle of the Japanese philosophy of Mushin in her life I mean that I want to build a personal aura of which I am built on having a free mind … one free from thoughts of anger, fear, or ego during combat or everyday life. There is an absence of discursive thought and judgment, so the person is totally free to act and react towards an opponent without hesitation and without disturbance from such thoughts. At this point, a person relies not on what they think should be the next move, but what is their trained natural reaction (or instinct) or what is felt intuitively.(Discursive – a life that is built on and includes lots of facts or opinions that are not necessarily relevant to the life that I am wanting to live… not forgetting them as being part of my past, but not allowing them to rule my future self or my future life’s journey).

As much as I love the definition and meanings and symbolism of both Kintsugi and Mushin I don’t want to become of a version of myself that has “no mind” and I certainly do not wish to wish to live my life where I no longer consider myself as a “fighter”… I’m happy to adopt the part of the Japanese philosophy where I see myself as living being that is living and breathing as well as moving through space…. & I also have no interest in living a life with no attachment…this is what I mean by a mixed matched version of a person living her life in line with the Japanese philosophy of Mushin…. for me it is very important that at all time not only remain true to myself but that I must also remain morally in touch with who it is that I am… I didn’t work to be who it is that I have become just to throw it to the winds of a Japanese philosophy that I only partially embrace my heart and arms around… I am for self-acceptance of change… I won’t embrace my new lease on life… I want to embrace the new beginnings of new and reinvented self… living my life where I am not afraid to show the roads of my life that have given me my scars… I don’t want to disguise the history of my yesterday’s… I want to embrace them and build my life around the branches that they have been grafted to.

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I found a beautiful essay that went on to say though it’s message of the Japanese art of repairing a piece of pottery the following:-

instead of the break “…diminishing [the bowl’s] appeal, a new sense of its vitality and resilience raised appreciation to even greater heights.” The bowl has become more beautiful for having been broken. The true life of the bowl “…began the moment it was dropped…”

“So it is not simply any mended object that increases in its appreciation but…the gap between the vanity of pristine appearance and the fractured manifestation of mortal fate which deepens its appeal.”

Reference – http://www.camiimac.com/good-juju-today-blog/kintsukuroi-more-beautiful-for-having-been-broken

How beautiful is the written line The bowl has become more beautiful for having been broken. The true life of the bowl “…began the moment it was dropped…” this line of writing depicts me in my story of self-awareness, self-growth and the inner reinvention if the mooded me growing into the me that I was truly intended to be… with my scars uncovered & my journey’s off-road path well marked throughout the stories of my written words.

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A Poem Comparing A Bowl With Repairs & A Life That Has Some Cracks & Scars

By Author. Peter Mayer

I’m like one of those Japanese bowls That were made long ago I have some cracks in me They have been filled with gold
That’s what they used back then When they had a bowl to mend It did not hide the cracks It made them shine instead
So now every old scar shows from every time I broke And anyone’s eyes can see I’m not what I used to be
But in a collector’s mind All of these jagged lines Make me more beautiful And worth a higher price
I’m like one of those Japanese bowls I was made long ago I have some cracks you can see See how they shine of gold.

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In closing of today’s daily writing titled “ Kintsugi & Mushin – Broken & Repaired Japanese Pottery ” I share a poem written by a favourite author of mine –
Nikita Gill titled “ Kintsugi ”

Kintsugi

On the days when you feel ashamed of your scars, Your mind only registering how ugly they are Rather than beauty, they prove that you have survived, Remember that there is an entire art form dedicated to filling the cracks of broken things with lacquered gold.

An entire art from the proves that Even the broken and damaged history of an object Is beautiful and should be treasured.

Remember how much more you are Then an object. Remember your survival, your journey, Your scars deserve to be treasured to.

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There it is… my daily writing that offers up how I relate myself to a piece of broken & repaired piece of Japanese pottery and how “ I Am Completely Fucking Broken Inside ” and embracing my life for all it’s faults, fractures & broken pieces.

So Mr Hemingway a dedication to you… Your written quote goes like this – “ We are all broken, that’s how the light gets in…” I embrace my broken pieces and I am most certainly absorbing line light that is helping me to grow into the person that my life has me wanting to be… My broken surely is shedding its light on me… And I am embracing it… repairing me but keeping perfectly fixed with flaws and all the work to shine the light on me from the outside in.

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Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Strength In Friends

In a passing conversation  that I have had with two others not only today but also with the past few weeks I have been asked to surface and show that I am ok…. they know that I am not completely without connection or words of ok…. but they also know that something within my few answered words just isn’t right.

What can I say?… I say nothing … I have no words to say; I do not speak a word in reply I bow my head and sigh… they know that daily writing are the very things that get e through my days… but it has a very long few weeks where no words have been written, no words have been shared… and even fewer conversations that normal are had…. they tell me with one caring strong arm to take all the time that I need; my some time for rest and time to rebuild one’s self… but all that I can hear in a far off distance is them screaming my name…
my silence isn’t golden to their caring hearts… I miss them with all that I am  and have burning inside…. but how can I re-join them and the life outside my own bubble when all that I feel is being gestured is a hand that once lent a hand? I want to tell them that I need to back… I want to tell them that I can see how far I have wondered and fallen away… but more than anything I want them to hear the message that I do not verbally speak but instead speak with my eyes…. that I am trapped in a darkness that shares a light when it wants to… a room with no floor, no walls and no celling… I am in outer space with no tethered line… and uncertainty of where my feet need to find the ground that re-earths me.

If  I could convey one message to them right now it would be that “I know that I am brave enough to find the courage to find me in disconnection that I feel… I want them to know
that the burden of a spine that has been built on strength can only withstand so much when the wolf is continuously at its core but more importantly I want them to know that there is a reason for why some people are given a place at the table of another’s life… and the reason for why they are here they will find in the mirrors that shine their reflection… they are the sincerity and the honesty that my heart loves to hear and they are the strength that has become the very thing that we all rely on.

Dearest friends; if only I could float to you my noted page… upon its inked and worded page you will both find a worded song that sings worded verse they convey gratitude and thanks… you both know that there are no words that need to be said but I hope that you can both see and understand that there has been no one real reason for why I have stepped away… I just needed to “I hope that you understand.” I had to give myself the permission to take a few weeks of leave… I have been strong for so long… I know this you do see… but I had to give myself the permission that I have been needing to sit still in my silence.

You both asked me for a few words… short and sweet… and I gift you with the heartfelt words of thanks for the unsaid words that whisper to me that you both care… I don’t question this for I know that your words are true… I won’t stay away for much longer… I am the rebuilding me one day at a time… this rejuvenation time of one’s self is almost complete I will be signing name again shortly… reinvented, rejuvenated and soring to my heights in the me that I am becoming…”Prevalere Phenix” – the journey of me finding I in a world where I am known as I…. where stories of overcoming  life’s struggles and hurdles will unveil a survivor who has been built up by all that she has been through.”

I thank you both from the bottom of my heart for being the gift that you have been… delivered over ocean, through nodes and connections of time… knowing that you are both their struggling, growing and enjoying the journey of your own days is all the encouragement that I need to bring me back to the space that we all find much comfort in the silence of our unspoken words.

I hear you and I have never not done so… understand that I needed this time to give me strength and permission to give myself a place at my own table.
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In part todays writing is a letter to my online friends… the people that have become the strength that we all take turns in leaning on…I have been gone and disconnected for some time now… I know that I must return to where my mind and writing heart are happiest. Beside them and with… giving them the very time that I have ask for in letting to sit still in silence.
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This note is love towards your understand and comforting words of we miss we… You both know who you are.

Signed
The M.I.A 3rd Side Of The Triangle

I’m Learning To Know Myself – Day# 4

—>> Continuing On With – “Plan B’ing My Life” <<–

This week it was proposed to me that I enter a call to myself mission and put a few of my loose ends into the spotlight and find a workable model that will serve to enhance me and my life’s journey.

My Journey in this my life thus far has been one of much learning. I have been a pharmacy assistant, a child care worker, a secretary, a computer/web technician, a web designer & a counsellor… amongst my little skill sets that I have shared with others.

I have taken the plunge and started the movement in footsteps towards my new journey…. I am interested in setting my goals and dreams… yesterday I was ready to take my first steps… and today I am committed !

I spent my day doing what I promised myself that I would I took my diary’s today’s “to-do entry” & started making tangible progress to follow through with my “call to me mission.”

I Today have the F.A.B Model running along side me in my day to day life’s journey.
(What does F.A.B stand for ? F.A.B = Focus -> Attitude -> Belief – turning my can’ts into I Can, I Will Do & I have Done So…

Till Tomorrow’s Daily Write.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

I’m Learning To Know Myself – Day #3

“Plan B’ing My Life”

This week it was proposed to me that I enter a call to myself mission and put a few of my loose ends into the spotlight and find a workable model that will serve to enhance me and my life’s journey.

“T.I.L.Y.B” an acronym given to me by my fellow ‘sista scripta’s’ an acronym that I will reveal its meaning and the outcome of its 7 days of learned experiences to in a weeks time.

My ‘sista scripta’s’ have become my unofficial accountability partners… they call me on my bullshit, they call me out on my days of lack of self acceptance… all with love, care and genuine concern to give.

To my Sista Scripta’s…

Let the journey to accountability, self discovery and self acceptance begin.

Today I awoke with a spring in my stumble filled walk… & after some reordering of my minds thoughts this week … I have been putting some of my life’s plan A movements into the background so that I can spend sometime in “reskilling in my plan B.”

Sorry to be vague right now… but still getting my ass off the fence where it has been busy collecting splinters – “Sharon Pearson.”

Sharon Pearson writes “change the objection into the objective”… so that is exactly what I am doing… I was just this week called into “A Call To Me Mission ” by my fellow Sista Scripta’s… so here is my day #3 call to me… the do something for me… stop procrastinating and meandering around things – stop going around things the long way let the winding path that I have been living find a more directional path… it’s time to end the circuitous path in this my journey through life.

Curious about what I am rambling on about? You will have to stay tuned…

I was asked one question this week and it was… “In a years time where do I want to be”… now that I know my direction “I Am Off … Treading Footsteps Plotting My Plan B Path”…

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

I Am Learning To Know Myself – Day#2

Today it was proposed to me that I enter a call to myself mission and put a few of my loose ends into the spotlight and find a workable model that will serve to enhance me and my life’s journey.

“T.I.L.Y.B” an acronym given to me by my fellow ‘sista scripta’s’ an acronym that I will reveal its meaning and the outcome of its 7 days of learned experiences to in a weeks time.

My ‘sista scripta’s’ have become my unofficial accountability partners… they call me on my bullshit, they call me out on my days of lack of self acceptance… all with love, care and genuine concern to give.

To my Sista Scripta’s…

Let the journey to accountability, self discovery and self acceptance begin.

Day #2

In celebration of my “T.I.L.Y.B” call to self mission a searched for a writing that had me defined in a well written verse.

I wrote for hours today; written verses about myself… describing me and standing to the world but nothing I wrote seemed to say all there was to say… so I searched my saved memes… words written by other authors – written memes and verses a plenty and many seemed to have me in the winds of their words when describing me and my ways to a tea.

I chose a writing by author Jennifer Sebits – An Author who writes for
“The Minds Journal”… this is her worded meme that has become a daily verbal moment that I celebrate secretly with in my mind.

Here I am… standing my ground
Not running away. Not making excuses.
Not giving up on hope or faith.
Not forcing anything.
I’m waiting patiently to see
How it’s all going to play out
When push does finally come to shove.
Waiting to see who’s meant to be
And who’s not.

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Not to be out done by the spoken words of another writer soulful words I share with you a little something that I wrote sometime ago that I think sums up me…

I once was a person
who stood tall in the face of an argument.
I would stand on that very ground
That offered me nothing more
Than the even ground I stood on.
& either stand my ground
Till the cows come home; or till the other party walked away.
I would stand my ground; loud and proud
Mouthy, raw & full of my own conviction
But to I refuse to stand on that same ground
& defend myself in either in my now life or my past
I stand in silent defiance to arguments built on ignorance & contradictions to spoken lies & untold truths.

Written By Tanya Kelly. 2017

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Through this personal journey of writing about me & about how as a person I have healed myself and continue to heal myself so that I could make room in my world, in my heart, in my mind and most importantly within myself to bring about the changes that will work with me in order to bring myself into my happier self.

I will not go as far as allowing myself to blame others for the rough spots that have plagued my life, I own my share in my unhappiness & am more than ready to continue rebuilding myself into the person that I know exists in me.

I have known hardship. I have lost myself. But here I stand, still moving forward, growing stronger each day. I will never forget the harsh lessons in my life. They made me stronger.

I know now that I am ready for me to love me… farewell to the days that I have said tomorrow is another day… I am so ready for that someday of building and wanting the changes in my day to be today.

In a quote written by

Heidi Delliare – LoveWideOpen.com

I sit in agreement with her pictured quote that goes like this: –

You have to heal
Your own heart
And then
The right
things will come
Into your life.
What this pictured quote says to me is this: –
in order for my heart
To enter its amended state
I must at first
Own my wows
My heart aches
And uncloak my inner struggles
And let them finally be seen
Own them
And be allowing of me so proud of their journey
Bringing me forth to the me
That is free of the struggles that weigh
Ever so heavily upon me.
Freeing me from my hearts hurt
Delivering me to the changes in my life
That Will shortly after follow.

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I know that in the past few weeks that I have been writing a fair bit about me, my inner child, my inner hurts, my inner pains, my memories, my life events, the people that surround me…

Before I started writing full time again back in January I was already aware of the benefits of writing things down. I knew that by writing letters and owning my thoughts that I would be free of my burdens someday.

I knew that the letters and the thoughts that flowed through me; were the very Barriers that held me back. I knew that I was becoming isolated within and by myself and I knew that if something didn’t change and soon that I would become a made-up version of myself.

I was very much in the know that I had become closed off and in need of something or something’s to change.

Things were piling up in my mind & the stress was starting to show… so I thought hell why not go back to the one thing I knew that I could do (write) and mix it with my counselling skills and practices… I sat to begin my writing therapy and have learned that my inner demons were demanding an identity and their story was yelling to be told.

I am not saying that I have pulled out of my writing therapy without opening wounds that I wasn’t in the know of their existence … I knew that I would at some point feel flat and exhausted by the experience but I knew oh too well that my road wasn’t going to be an easy one and I knew that the very part of me that I thought I had forever hidden and forever vanished to be ignored would eventually surface.

In process of the issues in me surfacing I knew that I would face my darkness the barriers buried deep within me that would someday help me to heal my heart.

I am living and breathing and I am by no means free of my demons; but I am free of the hurting heartache that prevents me from being me.

I am not cured but I am finally free to be me and as open as I can be.

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There is a song that sums up my journey of me becoming me… the happier me… the guarded me who knows that I was ready to fight for me and the very ideals that work to make me strong, healing me from my inside out.

This song’s title is the (“Fight Song – By Rachel Platten)

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I’m chasing sleep
Everybody’s worried about me
In too deep
Say I’m in too deep (in too deep)
And it’s been two years I miss my home
But there’s a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all…

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong (I’ll be strong)
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

Know I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

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This song reminds me of my strength and metamorphosis into the person that I am intended to be. Flaws and All

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There it is day #2 of my “T.I.L.Y.B – I Am Learning To Know Myself – “Call To Myself Mission”

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

I Am Learning This Week To Know Myself

Today it was proposed to me that I enter a call to myself mission and put a few of my loose ends into the spotlight and find a workable model that will serve to enhance me and my life’s journey.

“T.I.L.Y.B” an acronym given to me by my fellow ‘sista scripta’s’ an acronym that I will reveal its meaning and the outcome of its 7 days of learned experiences to in a weeks time.

My ‘sista scripta’s’ have become my unofficial accountability partners… they call me on my bullshit, they call me out on my days of lack of self acceptance… all with love, care and genuine concern to give.

To my Sista Scripta’s…

Let the journey to accountability, self discovery and self acceptance begin.

Day #1

T.I.L.Y.B… this week you have vowed that recruit yourself into the movement of finding your life of 10’s… a movement of getting to know oneself on a deeper level.

I am no stranger to the stories that make up my life… but I have come to recognise that I hide behind the persona of the person that I have put a happy & smiling face to whilst hiding the true self that lives in me from my own reflection in life’s mirror.

Part of this weeks task put forward by my sista scripta’s in to look for and identify my own life and where I see I am on a scale of 1-10… a task that will enable me to see my life & its levels for what it truly is… no bullshit and no sugar coating… just a scaled rawness of me and my life of 10’s.

So here I am on day 1 of a 7 day journey where I will find myself & where I am in my life’s journey through a series of self discovering activities.

(Level 10 life is a thought process, a way of life, and a journey to becoming a better person through personal development, receiving and providing mentoring, self-help, and changing behaviors, attitudes, beliefs and cognitions.)

Tomorrow’s activity will be based on the wheel of life assessment tool… by the end of day 7 I will have a clearer picture of who I what my level of satisfaction is in 10 areas of my life… a self discovery tool that will put me on the path to levelling up who I am in my own life.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly

365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Education Rollercoaster – Dyslexia & Dyspraxia

I am sitting here tonight alone in my own company and alone in my own thoughts… I am a little mentally exhausted but feel a little calmness in what I see as a safety net that gives me a little teary moment that has me feeling somewhere in between the feelings of being hopeful, grateful and a little unsteady within myself.

Today I had a meeting for one of my children who have now adult age has taught me that being a mother doesn’t end when a child comes of age.

Yesterday I was on the border of losing my composure when I thought about the meeting that I had to attend today.

Firstly what was the meeting for?

The meeting was about my son’s course curriculum and the struggles that are starting to show within his course work.

Years ago when I not only found out that son would spend his years struggling with his education but I found it hard to hear him say that he felt that he was starting to see that he was a waste of time for those trying to educate or teach him… I saw the years of his struggles go on and on… and the more that I encouraged him to keep his head working the grindstone the more I saw him become more and more discouraged by the shortfalls that he was making… I found it harder still to watch that he was working hard to find his passion with his learning abilities and scope of what he wanted to learn… but no matter how many accomplishments he made and no matter how man ahhh haaa moments he had… that invisible line that always seemed to have a new learning curve level always seemed to be on the move and that line always seemed to be out of his reach.

There are so many “I’s” in my sons story… hour after hour I worked with him on assignments… hours after hour I sat with him whilst he spoke about himself in such hardened words… and many more hours after he crumbled under the weight of his small accomplishments and his “word on hard.. not quite there moments “ I sat in my own silence wondering why it is that one person would have to be seeing himself as not being that kid who didn’t quite get it…

I sat and told him so many times for so many hours and told him that learning wasn’t all about textbooks and endless pages of note-taking… the skill sets that he possessed in his own self were of physical accomplishments… but those accomplishments we were told were not measuring on his academic register.

As he has hrown he has proven to be strong willed and strong witted… he gas climbed heights and grown a great deal of determination to prove his academic and critical defeatests that he could accomplish great things… he knew that the school environment was not ever going to be the place that he flourished in …. but each and every day he showed up anyway and chose to be a participant in his learning rather being the codependent defeated person that would have given into that daily grindstone and the negative energy that circled his learning abilities.

He was always going to be that tough kid who learned things not so easily… and maybe a little too far in the hard way direction… being born six weeks premature and being told told that he may not live long enough to take his first breath was the day that I as his mother knew that he wasn’t going to walk a path of golden cobblestones… but there he was… so very underweight and he had beat the odds and was breathing on his own… he began to feed and began to put on weight… but from the get-go it was a struggle to get him to gain the weight that took him off that “underweight label”..

So here we are many years past the years of his underweight label and we are now headlong into the label of “learning will always have its setbacks…

Back in February in 2019, I allowed his high school years to come to an end… I asked him some years ago to push through all those closed doors and put his best foot forward (change your schedule into the subjects of interest, forget about the academics levels and do the subjects that were of interest… ignore the grades both

good and bad and just finished year 10).

Year 10 started and finished and I was surprised when he told me that he was going back to start year 11… I was surprised because school was like gaol and he wanted to bust out… standing around in classrooms where he knew that he was always going to sitting at the bottom of his years had for many years been weighing him down… so his decision to start year 11 had me going hmm … he wanted to commit himself to finish his hands on subjects of construction and woodwork and he seemed to find a sense of himself in the completed projects that he had put all his efforts into… instead of taking the easier road of quitting school he not only started his 11th year at school… he pushed through sucking up his grades and his small but yet self-powered accomplishments and he finished his year 11 studies… and not at the bottom of the class…. I told him that his progress wasn’t in the grades that he had worked hard to change but they were in the comments and compliments that I read in his reports and the many meetings that we had with his teachers and school.

He started back at school for his year 12 studies… he gave me the completion of his year 10 studies that I had asked for… he pushed ahead and pushed himself to start and finish his 11th year… but I knew that he was out to prove himself to a world that had him written off in his academic achievements… so when I saw his life passion flash up on my screen I knew that school was going to end for him without him ending it himself… further education but in a facility that was built on the foundations of wanting to learn a skill set of choice and wanting following a passion over the academic grades that fitted you into scaled levels against his peers.

So when I received a call earlier this week from one of his teachers that had concerns that he was not going to pass with a competent level… I was oh dear god here we go again… in my mind, I was scared again for the defeat that I had seen for those many years in his high school years very much an everyday look on his face.

He and could talk about how he was struggling but in the same sentence he gently asked am I out of the course that I want to do? So I asked his teacher the question that he wanted to answer to … & with a gentle no of course not from his teacher… with an agreement for a meeting and some extra learning support from he and his other teachers if he has the push to head first back into the grindstone… choices, changes and accomplishments could be made.

My son is why does he need me his mom yo attend this appointment that was put into simple terms… If He wants to be here .. we as a teaching network are here to support his wants… cone to the meeting, meet with me and a few of his others teachers and let’s make a plan…

I rolled my wheelchair into today’s meeting feeling somewhat sad but for the first time, I wasn’t heavy in my heart… I wasn’t heavy because his calling teacher gold me snippets of his own learning story… he told me that he too has what my son has… dyslexia (in short dyslexia is:- is a learning disorder characterized by difficulty reading due to problems identifying speech sounds and learning how they relate to letters and words. Also called specific reading disability, dyslexia is a common learning disability in children)… I have heard this many times over the years that we have watched the struggles of my sons learning… tests with the words inconclusive is the words that crossed the table many times.

As a parent I personally have given many hours to the struggles of the homework table, I am no stranger to the anguish that has tantrums across its wooden surface. I thought (probably selfishly on my part) that my daily being there and my many hours of pushing and putting things into small workable parts would soon enough and with hard work in toe would eventually have him clicking into the oh I got it now line… but I can’t help but see my part and my faults in his education… I am not sitting here pushing myself to the point of blame, but I can see that my pushing him to try at the very least… to hand in something, to try harder to understand was just the compounding bricks that pushed my son to see his unworthy failures…

So I attended today’s appointment with my son hearing that he is quiet and reserved… the opposite to the young man that I know… then it clicked in me “quiet and reserved means struggling… it means I turn up and I try to do what is asked of me … but silently I am struggling”… not so silently I said to him… I know you and now its time to let us all know myself, himself, his dad and 3 of his supporting teachers what it is that he wants from his chosen career and course.

I remember asking did they feel that my son should end his course because he was in the midst of struggling yet again with his workload… I fought the tears so hard had they gave said anything other than what does he think … does he want to stay, go or work hard with a support group with extra time and guidance beside him I think the tears would have fallen…

One of his teachers began to tell us that he too has dyslexia (this he had already told me some weeks ago).. but he told me that his spelling was atrocious and that he rarely wrote on the board for his reasons, that he preferred powerpoint presentations and others means of teaching over the endless notes being delivered on the whiteboard at the front of the class… he went on to tell us that he struggled hard also in verballing the things that he had to remember… and he told us that despite his struggles that he to has had to find ways to cope, that he has had to find other ways to learn and that despite his road and story being similar to my sons that he today has many completed levels of academics… then he has had to work hard to be all the “hats” that his education has afforded him & that he never thought that he would be the struggling student now in the teaching role.

I could write many more thoughts about this teacher… I could write about how I sat staring at him and was waiting for a negative word that discredited every beautiful word that he spoke… I waited and waited but he did so much to comfort the scared parent that saw nothing but a struggle of a young man trying hard to do his very best… that struggle that comes with no guarantees and no end date.

I could and tell of how bad I wanted him to tell me the opposite of what he had told me… but he comforted one (and I hope all of us in that room) with his words “if you want this you will have to put in double maybe tripled the hours of other students that the hours will be long but the accomplishment and completion of his chosen wants were not out of his reach.

I was taken further into my admiration when another of his supportive teachers told us her story that I call segmented attention… she told us of how she has an audio issue that has her also struggling to maintain her own self’s attention span in her own learning abilities.

There she was a well dressed and well presented beautiful looking woman comes across as a well spoken and a diversified and educated woman with many accomplishments under her belt… & of course she is… but she presented herself in a manner that had me seeing her as an educated women without a struggle in her learning experiences… you know what they say about judging on first appearances… shame on me from failing to head the words that I often speak “judging a book by its cover makes you look stupid when actually look, read and finish reading the many unturned pages… “

Then there is teacher number 3 who was running against her own busy teaching schedule to attend today’s meeting… talking about how she would work with my son against his own learning tide… to work with him to give him more tuition hours (all teachers have given this verbal agreement & dedication to today’s meeting )…. but teacher 3 emailed her promised emails of assistance and extra teaching/learning materials and has offered to assist in setting up this if there was a need… she went on to set my tears flowing with a message of support to the mom that was sobbing in her own mirrored reflection…

I knew before her message came through of the dedication and time that I have for my son that he has become who he is out of hard work and determination on both my part and his… I was not crying or silently sobbing because I felt I had failed my son (as it has been expressed to me many tomes over the tears)… I was crying or silently sobbing because of the fact that my son had found his niche, his want for his life and that he was finally free of an education that wasn’t working for him and his needs… & there it was his struggles laid back on the table for all to see…

What teacher 3 said was this…

“Anytime you are concerned or need to ask anything, please just give me call”

“I know he can achieve this, a little extra work and extra support will definitely help.

You are doing a great job with Nichaalus.

One thing I know about student’s with learning disabilities, once they put their mind to something, they will achieve the goal they have set for themselves. I see that in your son”

My son hates meetings and has always seen them as a negative vortex… struggles in education and learning never really come with positive thoughts and or self-driven aspirations waiting in the waiting room of a kick-ass meetings… I knew he was not liking bits and pieces of what was being said… but what I hope for is that he could see that all the different parts of his needs and barriers needed to laid out on the the table so that the picture could be redrawn and given a new story and outlook.

My only negative thing yhst came from today is that I so wanted to be in background of my sons wants for learning… for some reason i figured (stupidly) that allowing him to go to Tafe to follow his want for a career when take the struggles that his education has always given him and suddenly allow him to have his ahhh oh I get it time and moment.

He is 18, no longer a child and I am still being called in for meetings… which may I add teacher number explained thst he knows that my son is 18 and I could say no and that my son could refuse me access and or attendance to the meeting but he with nothing but a want to support my son asked for me to come in and help him , to help the other teachers, to help my son plan an assault course on and for his learning abilities.

I know that Tafe is a different environment and I honestly could see the support and the drive that all 3 teachers had for my son and the support that he is going to need… being offered an extra 2 hours of tution and support of teacher 2 just blew my mind… 1 hr was her usual scheduled time… again I could have cried… help with assessments and extra understanding tutoring time from teacher 1 was heart warming and is full of my heart’s gratitude. Teacher 3 was the wrapper upper of the mood when she told me that he was great with his computer knowledge and that my son wasn’t struggling as much in her class as he was with teacher number 1… after throwing around thoughts… the conclusion was technology assisted learning… use what you have to your advantage was the message.

What was a hard morning was indeed a sweeter pill to swollow …. what could gave been a derailment of my sons wants for a career was a building exercise of the people that are his education community…

Maybe just maybe his dislexia & dyspraxia

may now find their place and get its official diagnosis…

_______________________

What’s the difference between dyslexia and dyspraxia?

Both dyslexia and dyspraxia are learning difficulties that can cause children and adults to struggle at school—so what’s the difference between them? In general, a key indicator of dyslexia is to do with literacy skills such as reading, writing and spelling. On the other hand, dyspraxia veers more toward movement and planning difficulties.

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What is dyspraxia?

The Dyspraxia Foundation defines dyspraxia as ‘ a form of developmental coordination disorder (DCD).’

Older readers may recognise the unfashionable term “clumsy child syndrome”.

Now it’s more appropriate to call it either Developmental Co-ordination Disorder or Dyspraxia. Dyspraxia impacts on motor coordination skills and can cause children and adults to perform movements poorly and out of order.

It is neurological and affects everything from preparing to organising and performing movements, sometimes extending into speech and memory ability. Dyspraxia can upset articulation of spoken language as well as thought process and perception.

Symptoms in young children may present as developmental delays, feeding and sleeping difficulties, high sensitivity to noise and a lack of interest in construction toys, including building blocks and Legos. Adults can lack hand-eye coordination, have poor balance and struggle to grasp small objects or perform daily grooming routines.

Compromised coordination greatly affects everyday activities for individuals with dyspraxia, causing difficulties in school activities like reading and writing, as well as recreational activities like riding a bike and driving a car.

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What is dyslexia?

There is some controversy about a definition of dyslexia, but in 2007 The British Dyslexia Association Management Board accepted the following: “a specific learning difficulty that mainly affects the development of literacy and language related skills.

It is likely to be present at birth and to be life-long in its effects. … It tends to be resistant to conventional teaching methods, but its effect can be mitigated by appropriately specific intervention, including the application of information technology and supportive counselling.” (BDA Management Board, 2007)”

Individuals with dyslexia struggle to process phonemes or sounds and can sometimes take longer to perform routine language tasks such as decoding in reading and spelling in writing. It can also impact on working memory.

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What do dyslexia and dyspraxia have in common?

Dyslexic and dyspraxic children and adults tend to be holistic problem solvers and intuitive, creative thinkers.

People who are dyslexic and dyspraxic thus find that learning often takes longer and is more tiring than for others without Specific Learning Difficulties.

Individual learners will benefit greatly from identifying their own relevant learning strategies. A unique learning style means that they may struggle to learn by traditional methods. This has resulted in some teaching practices and materials now being helpfully labelled “dyslexia friendly”.

A “dyslexia friendly” approach includes multi-sensory learning delivered in small incremental steps, at the learner’s own pace and with lots of opportunity to repeat and to receive positive reinforcement. Everyone can learn from an approach that is “dyslexia friendly,” including children and adults with dyspraxia.

Individuals with dyslexia and dyspraxia can have good days and bad days and both children and adults often show a discrepancy between their oral ability and their written work. This can lead to them being unfairly labelled as not trying or lazy or unco-operative where a specific learning difficulty has not been recognised.

Written work may also be poorly presented. They may have difficulty copying from the board. Students who struggle to write things down may always struggle with writing.

Learning to touch-type so that writing becomes automatic, and applying this skill to note taking and preparing assignments by computer, can be extremely helpful. Did you know that high school students with specific learning difficulties who can type faster than they write may be permitted to use laptops in exams?

Reference – https://www.readandspell.com/us/difference-between-dyslexia-and-dyspraxia

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So with all that said… there is concern and a lot of work ahead for my son… ut what I walk away with is a great deal of admiration and respect for the meeting that has my circling in my own thoughts… none of what I heard or was told today was new information… but it was a whole new experience brought on with interventions, strategy and committed help in its wake.

I am emotionally tired and so exhausted by the struggles that one person must go through.. but I will sleep better knowing that I don’t feel alone in the struggle of helping my son see the light at the end of a very long 18 years in the making tunnel.

I am a very grateful Mom tonight … Teachers 1,2 & 3 have my respect, admiration and my hand on heart thanks.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

” Me… I’m The Empty Cup “

It seems that I am learning the hard way about how much of myself I not only extended to others but also how much of myself I actually poor out & into my hands, the volumes of me that I feel that I have plenty to give.

I wonder have I crossed the line my inner tummy grumbles yell at me and are always  reminding me to listen to that I am at the drought filled stages of all that do for others….? will I learn my lesson before I feel the full force of having emptied myself to far…?
The answers to both these questions are …. (no surprise) … most probably not.

But I am aware that I am feeling a little empty and a hell of a lot tired… awareness is half the battle won… the other half of that battle comes from falling back & giving time to regroup…

I have been working on a lot of self-care writings in my journal and have taken up meditation (only getting in a few moments through out the day at this point) but I am reconfiguring my weekend schedule so that I can give me the time that I need to replenish my low level half filled cup.

“When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”

I have had to learn the hard way that I am the vessel and that I am carry the weighted needs and wants of many in my already low levelled cup… & that if I want to continue to be the everything that I am to and for the people I serve, that I must be the spring in my own brook… it’s time to stop & revive so that I can survive the self built hurricane in my life.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

“…Stop Long Enough”

I was commended today for the courage and strength & support for others that I process but rarely claim ownership of… I was told to stop being so hard on myself, give myself a break and for once stop long enough in my controlling of things and give myself the chance to see the strength in those that I give my love, heart, trust, loyalty & protection to.

Before I had a chance to open my mouth and put my opinion across to what was brutal honesty being spoken to me out of love and concern… I heard the words “now don’t get your back up… I only said what I said because I give a damn… & once when I needed this pep talk not only did you deliver it to me… but you were a hell of a lot more direct and you didn’t even apologise !!”

I smiled like I have never smiled before… because I knew that the person who was grinning like a cheshire cat … laughing because they finally got a spoonful of my own medicine into the deliverance of a sentence… was right !!

I laughed and said wipe that smirk off your face… “this roll reversal will not last forever.”

It seems that the universe is delivering me messages bothe verbal and symbolic that are telling me to stop and be present in my here & now.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

“So Many Lessons” – March 12th Journal Entry

Here is a write up that I wrote in my personal journal dated March 12th, 2019 – Titled “So Many Lessons” I thought that I would share it as it can help you, my readers, to understand why it is that I had to take a few days off from my writing and spend those days in self-care mode…. some of my thinkings are full of honesty.. some play around with mixed messages and meanings & then there is the diary entry that flows onto my March 12th journal page the truthfulness that I harbour deep within me… but truthfulness that is rarely show.

It is only early March of 2019 & yet I feel that there has already been an influx of ahhh haaa moments being thrown and thrust into my life, my world and the environment that I am treading water in.

There was an occasion this past month when a written pictured quote found its way to my desk and writing mind… there have been a few of these moments actually that have occurred throughout not only in this past month but also over the past few months…

Maybe the universe is trying to get my attention, maybe there is a lesson in the writings that find me and my thoughts on a day to day basis.

I write today about the following symbolic worded verse:- “The hardest pill I had to swallow this year is learning how to pick myself back up and cope without the people who I thought would be in my life for a long time. I had to realise that you have to do shit for yourself because the only person that will put you back on your two feet is you.”

Hmm for me the I was initially scared and afraid of what my future without my thought to have… supporting and loving support system was a path and a future that I ignored and refused to see.

The very thought of going through life and the varying degrees of my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis ailments and inabilities scared the absolute bejesus out of me… I was so scared and I cried a great deal; not to or with others but so very heavily when I found myself in my alone time…

The more I cried the harder my understanding of what was happening to me and I began to wonder where I sat on the care factor meter of those around me… I initially struggled so hard and the more I struggled the more I looked for the arms of comfort of those around me… I can’t sit and put an understanding of why I feel that others seemed as though they were distant and or distancing themselves from me… but there is my speculation of why this was happening even if it was and still is in my mind… whatever their reasons I do strongly believe it has a lot to do with medical diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis… secondly I feel that the people around me are struggling to see their lives without me… or at the very least… they have not come to terms with what is going on and are preferring to live in their not informed and educated bubble.

I often get told how strong people think that I am… often I am asked why I feel that I have to be who it is that I am… when asked what is meant by this question I get told “why do you have to be so strong? Why do you have to live as though there is no one other than myself in my world? Why can’t and won’t I let people into the ins and out of what I am going through? Well, I have asked myself these same questions…

I for so long have hated on myself for so long and I have begged myself to find an answer or 3, to build a resolution for what I in my mind find that I am struggling with… but there was a point in my life when I gathered my thoughts and the thoughts of the many voices around me and simply threw them off the tactical side of my life’s sparring mat and said to myself out loud in a voice that was full of moments of self actualisation and self realisation that “I have to be my own worlds inhabitant.. the person that I could not only rely on but would guarantee that I would be present in my own life’s here and now… standing open hearted, open minded to an unknown reality that was with the utmost certainty starting to engulf my life as I knew and am now knowing living today.

I knew in these moments and in the days to follow that I had realised that I was the only person that I could fully rely on… so many people have told me over the 5 years since my “actual date of my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis “ that my stubbornness & my struggles and well defined inner strengths are going to be the weakness that see’s me and my heavy load crumbled to the ground….

There is a big part of me that knows that these voices are speaking the truth… I know oh to well of the existence of the walls that I have built up around me… These walls I myself know are built out of sheer determination to ignore the ignorance’s and uneducated thoughts of those around me… the cement that holds my walled in structure together is a mix of the many years of seeing the true intentions of others in the accountable moments that they chose to ignore… maybe ignore is the wrong world… but I did get tired of watching and hearing the distance and disassociation of those around me… I learned the hard way to see that the only hand that was going to raise me the grips of my Multiple Sclerosis mooed diagnosis was me…

What I wanted and what I have always wanted from those around me was and still is the guarantee of the fight to keep me healthy wouldn’t be my life’s walk .. alone and left wondering where my life would be taking me.

I gathered information and tried with all my might to help educate not only those around me… but I too wanted to read all that I could to educate myself… I needed to know what plan my body was signing itself up for.

I tried and I tried and I tried to give myself the community of support that I knew I would eventually need… I wanted to scream and I wanted to yell… and I tried with all that was in me to open the floodgates to my vulnerability’s… there I was in the early days of my diagnosis alone in a room full of people… not even my tears would give me the right to have a moment.

“If a single person is surrounded by other people, especially in a social situation such as a party, you can realize that you don’t have a real connection with any of these people. When you are alone, you are not confronted with the superficiality of your relationships. But when you are in a room full of your friends, you can suddenly realize, “I don’t actually like these people. I have nothing in common with them. They don’t really KNOW me, who I am. Why do they seem happy while I’m miserable?” You can discover, unhappily, that you’ve outgrown your social circle which can make you feel isolated and disconnected.”

I didn’t just say that I dislike my community or the people around me… what I did say is that I dislike seeing the connection that I have with, and for them.

“I think it’s better to feel content alone… If you’re content, you are closer to happiness than feeling alone in a crowd. Being alone and empowered is far better than being in a crowd and feeling lonely and sad…

I am most definitely not sad lost or depressed… the very descriptive words that I have heard since my ppms diagnosis… over and over again. I have just learned other ways to cope and other ways to fulfil my day daily journey and the daily symptoms that plague my walk and direction.

“I often find myself alone in a room… alone with myself, my computer and my thoughts. My mind is always bustling with thoughts, possibilities, questions and curiosity whether or not I’m with people. I always wonder what other people think or like other people’s perspective on things; I think it’s awesome to get a glimpse into someone’s mind and see alternate points of view. Many of these moments there are actually living and breathing people in this same room… why do I then see myself as being alone??? Well, when I look up I see nothing other than their eyes in my diagnosis; them taking on a role within my existence where they spend their moments wishing that it wasn’t my life’s reality to have my body living with “My Story” at the helm.

I give a lot of credit to those around me for the thoughts and disbelief of my life now being in the hands of my ppms diagnosis but I want more than anything for them to see me minus the world that they font truly see or know.

Imagine sitting in a crowded lunchroom by yourself. Hundreds of conversations are taking place, yet not a single one included you… I know that my community members are concerned and scared for what my tomorrow’s will actually bring to my now wavering but still strong well-footed foundations… but I long for them to see me.. just me… nothing and no diagnosis that describes my life’s here and now.

The deafening silence can bring a person on the brink of insanity. I spend hours hoping that I won’t have to endure this anymore, or even for much longer but a part of me knows that’s this deafening silence can be cruel, and being different in the eyes of others can be a death sentence when those very people sometimes unknowingly fail to see me for who I am, the me without the Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis.

For these reasons when I am alone; I can ignore the images, the sounds and the disconnections of others and I have probably learned way to well the skill of distracting myself with my daily workload, my writing, my blogging, music and even reading. Being alone is where I am most comfortable, and probably the most self-aware… I learned the art of convincing myself that loneliness doesn’t matter … but deep within my way down into the burrows of deeply hidden soul, I know that the way I feel does truly and deeply matter to me.

It’s a lonely world living out the day to day comings and goings of my unpaved road… something to be said for a life being lived in weakened moments of loneliness… but never in the path of a life having room for boredom.

So in the wrapping up this daily write; I will say this “Solitude is a highly judged area. Society lays down a lot of rules here — there are definite rights and wrongs on how much time you should spend on your own. And people don’t hesitate to lecture you on what those rules are if you are caught enjoying a bit of peace and quiet. If you’re not careful, you can find yourself being dragged into a social situation against your will and for your own good.

It wouldn’t matter so much if it didn’t come with the risk of being characterised. A loner is ‘sad’. A recluse is a ‘billy-no-mates.”… I not a loner I just like my alone time… I can think, I can write, I can be productive… and I can find my solace in my many daily writings… I don’t feel “all be”.. I just see my aloneness in my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis… alone but no afraid… living moments of my day in solitude… and many more in the company of “My Story “… I only wish that I didn’t feel the disconnection of those around me purely because it would be easier for me to tell them that I am not the person who is struggling with what is my now ppms life.

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Thank you for reading my March 12th very personal journal page… it may be honest and very raw but it is for a big step in learning to shed some light on the vulnerability that I work so hard at hiding…

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com