All About Me In 80 Questions!!!!!!

All About Me In 80 Questions!!!!!!

Basics

Name. Tanya (after Tania makeup)Mary Johanne (after my maternal grandmothers) Dannielle (confirmation  name) Deegens (maidens name) Kelly (Married name).

Nickname. Ms.T, Yoda Guru

Age. 43

Birthday. September 2nd, 1976

Birthplace. Blacktown Hospital Sydney New South Wales

Current Location. At Home In Sydney, New South Wales, Australia 

Eye Colour. Hazel 

Hair Colour. Dark Brown 

Piercings. 5 Piercings (2 done by myself)

Tattoos. None. Would love one but worry about getting a bad tattoo artist who will  leave me with a tattoo nightmare.

Boyfriend/Girlfriend. Stephen John Kelly (Been Together Since September  22nd, 1995.

Siblings. Brendon  (November 25th, 1974), Tracy (April 11th, 1978.

Favs.  

Colour. Blue, Medium/Dark Purples,  Olive Green, Silver, Charcoal Grey

Music. Music for me is a life line… my tastes in music rely heavily on the feelings and emotions of my day to day life.  There are way to many to list.

Sport. As a child I play netball (center, goal attack), softball (out fielder), indoor hockey, & volleyball. I like to watch clay shooting, archery, fencing, diving skeet shooting these days.

Holiday. I someday want to travel to greek islands or go on a Mediterranean cruise. Maybe see fiji, hawaiii, cocos islands or an african village. I am not much of a traveller, I like being home where I feel safe.

Food. I like many varieties of food.. Steak (medium to well), spaghetti bolognese, cavity stuffed chicken, pasta dishes (most)…  love bbq food, homemade Chinese 

Number. My Favourite Number Has Always Been #3

Movie. Dead Poets Society – Robin Williams 

Celebrity. Oprah Winfrey… A person who has steered my thoughts about me being myself in the direction of self acceptance.

Place. Yellow Rock & Woolongong Light House Are My Calming Places

Drink. Love Cocktails, Moscato (wine)..Jack Daniels & Great Northern Beer. Enjoy  orange juice, ice water and frozen drinks.

Day Of Week. Friday & Saturdays…. no run days

Month. September because it’s spring – a time for new life to begin… all is new and fresh

City. Sydney… couldn’t imagine being anything other than a Sydney sider.

Animal. Sloth.. cute and sleepy… Meerkatt… cute and sneaky, penguin … awkwardly built and fun to watch

Time Of Day. Morning, The Break Of Dawn… love the early morning quiet time … the waking of the earth and it animal sounds.

Smell. Cup cakes baking & Estee Lauder, Red Door Perfumes & Disinfectant (gives me memories of my grandmother Mary and her always clean floors).

Tv Channel. Foxtel & Music Channels On Foxtel

Song. Cher. You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me

This Or That

Hugs Or Kisses. I like either… but love the comfort of a kiss the build up & longing  of tender touch

Pepsi or Coke. Pepsi… coke is harsh

Burger King or McDonald’s. McDonald’s if I had to make a choice

Vanilla or Chocolate. Chocolate not a van of vanilla unless it creamy and not icy

Lover Or Fighter. I love hard… and am willing to fight if I am provoked or if my morals and personal values are challenged

Friends or Family. My Self Made Family Is My Preference … i love everyone that i hold in my inner circle at equal parts of who I am.

Love or Money. Love, money isn’t as important as being with people I love. Love  keeps me in grips of riches beyond  any value of money.

Listen To Someone Talk or Talking. I love To Listen… but enjoy a deep and meaningful two way conversation

Personality or Looks. Personality… I have known people who are appealing to look at and they are often vein, cold, superficial or just boring. Looks sre nothing… if tour connect with someone the persons being is all that matters

Magazines or Comics. Magazines. Enjoy a good read and catchup on worldy gossip and new trends

Pop Star or Wordup. Word up. As I do Love a mental challenge

Love

Are You In Love. I know my heart was with Steve since I was near the age of 16. My feelings and thoughts of him have never diminished.

Have You Ever Been In Love. Love takes me a long time in finding my security within it… but yes I have been

Do You Believe In Love At First Sight. I Knew That I Loved Steve Before I Truly Knew or Got To Know Him… soo yes indeed I do. I remember telling a friend of our that Steve was going to be the person that I married one day. I made this statement after only meeting Steve on two other occasions.

Longest Relationship. Comming into the 25 year stretch (September 22nd, 1995)

Kiss On The First Date. Depending… but physical connection isn’t the same as the mental and mindfull connection that I seek in others. As a rule usually no.

Ever Cheated On Someone (be honest). Yes… was awakening moment that  took me to discovering & understand ing the values and morals that I hold true and dear. We knew our relationship was over but we stayed anyway.

Random

Do You Do Drugs. Nope & Never Have

Do You Drink. Yes I Do .. I like a social drink or two

Do You Have Any Regrets. Yes… Not Becoming The Teacher That I Always Wanted To Be As A Young Child.

Ever Want To Get Married. Wish That Steve & I  Did Get Married In 1996. We did marry in October 2000.

Want Kids. Always Wanted 3 & Had 3

– Sean John Les Kelly – August 30th, 1997

– Nichaalus Adam Kelly – April 12th, 2001

– Katijana Mary Margaret Kelly – May 14th, 2006

– Lucas Jack Russell Russell Kelly – February 28th, 2017.

Do You Believe In Yourself. Yes I do… I work hard at learning all about me and the life that I have lived and want to live… I see the value in all that I do for others.

Last Movie You Saw At The Movies. Venom. Was It Good. I didn’t expect to like the movie venom because i am not a Batman or spiderman fan… but I enjoyed venom and it comical story line.

Can You Handle The Truth. I prefer truth and honesty over a made story or answer.. truth hurts at times but real and lasting relationships are made up every little struggle we go through.

Biggest Fear. Dying Alone

Most Missed Memory. Childhood events that I chose to forget to save me from heartache 

First Thought Waking Up… arrg what time of day do tou call this? Most days up at 4am

How Do You Want To Die. Holding the hand of Steve… one breath at a time speak nothing but my love for him

Do You Get Along With Your Parents. Yes when our attitudes and differences are aligned 

Do You Swear. Yep at times like a sailoYep a puppy. Lucas Jack Russell Kelly (February 28th, 2017) got him at 5 weeks old

Have You Ever Passed Out. Yeah .. once drank a whole ready to drink pack with a friend and slep out my backyard for a few hours. Crashed car back in 1997 and passed out… been sick a many a times and passed out also.

Do You Party. Do when I do.. but  not often

Did You Get Good Grades. Yes except for my  10th year when I deliberately set out to fail. Have always been and keen to learn student.

Do You Believe In

God. I believe that there is higher than ourselves.

Religion. We all believe in something… religion may not be the title of our belief…but yes in some ways I do.

Aliens. We cant be the only living things in this entire world and universe… yes I believe there is something out there.

Ghosts. Yes I certainly believe that we when we dye never completely passover for one reason or another.

Afterlife. I at time believe that we live in a world between hell and earth… that we when we passover go to earth or hell.

Myself. Like I said up above…  I work hard at learning all about me and the life that I have lived and want to live… I see the value in all that I do for others.

Karma. Yep I believe that there is most definitely an equal, opposite and reactive power to everything that we say, do and am.

Magic. I believe that we all have the ability to be shown differences in the reality of what we are actually supposed to be seeing.

In A Boy

Eye Colour. Any

Hair Colour. Dark

Short Or Long Hair. Either but well taken care of is a preference.

Height. At least- 5 foot 6 and above

l Either way as long as they have meaning and are well represented.

Just Cute Or Sexy. Looks are nothing… personality and honourable behaviour all the way.

Hobbies. I like a man who has interests that he loves, enjoys and wants to share what his experiences are or have been.

One Girl Man. I am not a person who can share.

___________________________________________________

There We Go…. some short Q&A’s about me…. I Challenge you to look the above Q&A’s and answer them with yourself in mind… & if you are wanting to know anything else about me… please drop me a line.

Signed

Tanya

https://365daysomethings.wordpress.com

I’m Learning To Know Myself – Day# 4

—>> Continuing On With – “Plan B’ing My Life” <<–

This week it was proposed to me that I enter a call to myself mission and put a few of my loose ends into the spotlight and find a workable model that will serve to enhance me and my life’s journey.

My Journey in this my life thus far has been one of much learning. I have been a pharmacy assistant, a child care worker, a secretary, a computer/web technician, a web designer & a counsellor… amongst my little skill sets that I have shared with others.

I have taken the plunge and started the movement in footsteps towards my new journey…. I am interested in setting my goals and dreams… yesterday I was ready to take my first steps… and today I am committed !

I spent my day doing what I promised myself that I would I took my diary’s today’s “to-do entry” & started making tangible progress to follow through with my “call to me mission.”

I Today have the F.A.B Model running along side me in my day to day life’s journey.
(What does F.A.B stand for ? F.A.B = Focus -> Attitude -> Belief – turning my can’ts into I Can, I Will Do & I have Done So…

Till Tomorrow’s Daily Write.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

I’m Learning To Know Myself – Day #3

“Plan B’ing My Life”

This week it was proposed to me that I enter a call to myself mission and put a few of my loose ends into the spotlight and find a workable model that will serve to enhance me and my life’s journey.

“T.I.L.Y.B” an acronym given to me by my fellow ‘sista scripta’s’ an acronym that I will reveal its meaning and the outcome of its 7 days of learned experiences to in a weeks time.

My ‘sista scripta’s’ have become my unofficial accountability partners… they call me on my bullshit, they call me out on my days of lack of self acceptance… all with love, care and genuine concern to give.

To my Sista Scripta’s…

Let the journey to accountability, self discovery and self acceptance begin.

Today I awoke with a spring in my stumble filled walk… & after some reordering of my minds thoughts this week … I have been putting some of my life’s plan A movements into the background so that I can spend sometime in “reskilling in my plan B.”

Sorry to be vague right now… but still getting my ass off the fence where it has been busy collecting splinters – “Sharon Pearson.”

Sharon Pearson writes “change the objection into the objective”… so that is exactly what I am doing… I was just this week called into “A Call To Me Mission ” by my fellow Sista Scripta’s… so here is my day #3 call to me… the do something for me… stop procrastinating and meandering around things – stop going around things the long way let the winding path that I have been living find a more directional path… it’s time to end the circuitous path in this my journey through life.

Curious about what I am rambling on about? You will have to stay tuned…

I was asked one question this week and it was… “In a years time where do I want to be”… now that I know my direction “I Am Off … Treading Footsteps Plotting My Plan B Path”…

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

I Am Learning To Know Myself – Day#2

Today it was proposed to me that I enter a call to myself mission and put a few of my loose ends into the spotlight and find a workable model that will serve to enhance me and my life’s journey.

“T.I.L.Y.B” an acronym given to me by my fellow ‘sista scripta’s’ an acronym that I will reveal its meaning and the outcome of its 7 days of learned experiences to in a weeks time.

My ‘sista scripta’s’ have become my unofficial accountability partners… they call me on my bullshit, they call me out on my days of lack of self acceptance… all with love, care and genuine concern to give.

To my Sista Scripta’s…

Let the journey to accountability, self discovery and self acceptance begin.

Day #2

In celebration of my “T.I.L.Y.B” call to self mission a searched for a writing that had me defined in a well written verse.

I wrote for hours today; written verses about myself… describing me and standing to the world but nothing I wrote seemed to say all there was to say… so I searched my saved memes… words written by other authors – written memes and verses a plenty and many seemed to have me in the winds of their words when describing me and my ways to a tea.

I chose a writing by author Jennifer Sebits – An Author who writes for
“The Minds Journal”… this is her worded meme that has become a daily verbal moment that I celebrate secretly with in my mind.

Here I am… standing my ground
Not running away. Not making excuses.
Not giving up on hope or faith.
Not forcing anything.
I’m waiting patiently to see
How it’s all going to play out
When push does finally come to shove.
Waiting to see who’s meant to be
And who’s not.

---

Not to be out done by the spoken words of another writer soulful words I share with you a little something that I wrote sometime ago that I think sums up me…

I once was a person
who stood tall in the face of an argument.
I would stand on that very ground
That offered me nothing more
Than the even ground I stood on.
& either stand my ground
Till the cows come home; or till the other party walked away.
I would stand my ground; loud and proud
Mouthy, raw & full of my own conviction
But to I refuse to stand on that same ground
& defend myself in either in my now life or my past
I stand in silent defiance to arguments built on ignorance & contradictions to spoken lies & untold truths.

Written By Tanya Kelly. 2017

---

Through this personal journey of writing about me & about how as a person I have healed myself and continue to heal myself so that I could make room in my world, in my heart, in my mind and most importantly within myself to bring about the changes that will work with me in order to bring myself into my happier self.

I will not go as far as allowing myself to blame others for the rough spots that have plagued my life, I own my share in my unhappiness & am more than ready to continue rebuilding myself into the person that I know exists in me.

I have known hardship. I have lost myself. But here I stand, still moving forward, growing stronger each day. I will never forget the harsh lessons in my life. They made me stronger.

I know now that I am ready for me to love me… farewell to the days that I have said tomorrow is another day… I am so ready for that someday of building and wanting the changes in my day to be today.

In a quote written by

Heidi Delliare – LoveWideOpen.com

I sit in agreement with her pictured quote that goes like this: –

You have to heal
Your own heart
And then
The right
things will come
Into your life.
What this pictured quote says to me is this: –
in order for my heart
To enter its amended state
I must at first
Own my wows
My heart aches
And uncloak my inner struggles
And let them finally be seen
Own them
And be allowing of me so proud of their journey
Bringing me forth to the me
That is free of the struggles that weigh
Ever so heavily upon me.
Freeing me from my hearts hurt
Delivering me to the changes in my life
That Will shortly after follow.

---

I know that in the past few weeks that I have been writing a fair bit about me, my inner child, my inner hurts, my inner pains, my memories, my life events, the people that surround me…

Before I started writing full time again back in January I was already aware of the benefits of writing things down. I knew that by writing letters and owning my thoughts that I would be free of my burdens someday.

I knew that the letters and the thoughts that flowed through me; were the very Barriers that held me back. I knew that I was becoming isolated within and by myself and I knew that if something didn’t change and soon that I would become a made-up version of myself.

I was very much in the know that I had become closed off and in need of something or something’s to change.

Things were piling up in my mind & the stress was starting to show… so I thought hell why not go back to the one thing I knew that I could do (write) and mix it with my counselling skills and practices… I sat to begin my writing therapy and have learned that my inner demons were demanding an identity and their story was yelling to be told.

I am not saying that I have pulled out of my writing therapy without opening wounds that I wasn’t in the know of their existence … I knew that I would at some point feel flat and exhausted by the experience but I knew oh too well that my road wasn’t going to be an easy one and I knew that the very part of me that I thought I had forever hidden and forever vanished to be ignored would eventually surface.

In process of the issues in me surfacing I knew that I would face my darkness the barriers buried deep within me that would someday help me to heal my heart.

I am living and breathing and I am by no means free of my demons; but I am free of the hurting heartache that prevents me from being me.

I am not cured but I am finally free to be me and as open as I can be.

---

There is a song that sums up my journey of me becoming me… the happier me… the guarded me who knows that I was ready to fight for me and the very ideals that work to make me strong, healing me from my inside out.

This song’s title is the (“Fight Song – By Rachel Platten)

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I’m chasing sleep
Everybody’s worried about me
In too deep
Say I’m in too deep (in too deep)
And it’s been two years I miss my home
But there’s a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all…

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong (I’ll be strong)
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

Know I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

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This song reminds me of my strength and metamorphosis into the person that I am intended to be. Flaws and All

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There it is day #2 of my “T.I.L.Y.B – I Am Learning To Know Myself – “Call To Myself Mission”

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

I Am Learning This Week To Know Myself

Today it was proposed to me that I enter a call to myself mission and put a few of my loose ends into the spotlight and find a workable model that will serve to enhance me and my life’s journey.

“T.I.L.Y.B” an acronym given to me by my fellow ‘sista scripta’s’ an acronym that I will reveal its meaning and the outcome of its 7 days of learned experiences to in a weeks time.

My ‘sista scripta’s’ have become my unofficial accountability partners… they call me on my bullshit, they call me out on my days of lack of self acceptance… all with love, care and genuine concern to give.

To my Sista Scripta’s…

Let the journey to accountability, self discovery and self acceptance begin.

Day #1

T.I.L.Y.B… this week you have vowed that recruit yourself into the movement of finding your life of 10’s… a movement of getting to know oneself on a deeper level.

I am no stranger to the stories that make up my life… but I have come to recognise that I hide behind the persona of the person that I have put a happy & smiling face to whilst hiding the true self that lives in me from my own reflection in life’s mirror.

Part of this weeks task put forward by my sista scripta’s in to look for and identify my own life and where I see I am on a scale of 1-10… a task that will enable me to see my life & its levels for what it truly is… no bullshit and no sugar coating… just a scaled rawness of me and my life of 10’s.

So here I am on day 1 of a 7 day journey where I will find myself & where I am in my life’s journey through a series of self discovering activities.

(Level 10 life is a thought process, a way of life, and a journey to becoming a better person through personal development, receiving and providing mentoring, self-help, and changing behaviors, attitudes, beliefs and cognitions.)

Tomorrow’s activity will be based on the wheel of life assessment tool… by the end of day 7 I will have a clearer picture of who I what my level of satisfaction is in 10 areas of my life… a self discovery tool that will put me on the path to levelling up who I am in my own life.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly

365daysomethings.wordpress.com

“So Many Lessons” – March 12th Journal Entry

Here is a write up that I wrote in my personal journal dated March 12th, 2019 – Titled “So Many Lessons” I thought that I would share it as it can help you, my readers, to understand why it is that I had to take a few days off from my writing and spend those days in self-care mode…. some of my thinkings are full of honesty.. some play around with mixed messages and meanings & then there is the diary entry that flows onto my March 12th journal page the truthfulness that I harbour deep within me… but truthfulness that is rarely show.

It is only early March of 2019 & yet I feel that there has already been an influx of ahhh haaa moments being thrown and thrust into my life, my world and the environment that I am treading water in.

There was an occasion this past month when a written pictured quote found its way to my desk and writing mind… there have been a few of these moments actually that have occurred throughout not only in this past month but also over the past few months…

Maybe the universe is trying to get my attention, maybe there is a lesson in the writings that find me and my thoughts on a day to day basis.

I write today about the following symbolic worded verse:- “The hardest pill I had to swallow this year is learning how to pick myself back up and cope without the people who I thought would be in my life for a long time. I had to realise that you have to do shit for yourself because the only person that will put you back on your two feet is you.”

Hmm for me the I was initially scared and afraid of what my future without my thought to have… supporting and loving support system was a path and a future that I ignored and refused to see.

The very thought of going through life and the varying degrees of my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis ailments and inabilities scared the absolute bejesus out of me… I was so scared and I cried a great deal; not to or with others but so very heavily when I found myself in my alone time…

The more I cried the harder my understanding of what was happening to me and I began to wonder where I sat on the care factor meter of those around me… I initially struggled so hard and the more I struggled the more I looked for the arms of comfort of those around me… I can’t sit and put an understanding of why I feel that others seemed as though they were distant and or distancing themselves from me… but there is my speculation of why this was happening even if it was and still is in my mind… whatever their reasons I do strongly believe it has a lot to do with medical diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis… secondly I feel that the people around me are struggling to see their lives without me… or at the very least… they have not come to terms with what is going on and are preferring to live in their not informed and educated bubble.

I often get told how strong people think that I am… often I am asked why I feel that I have to be who it is that I am… when asked what is meant by this question I get told “why do you have to be so strong? Why do you have to live as though there is no one other than myself in my world? Why can’t and won’t I let people into the ins and out of what I am going through? Well, I have asked myself these same questions…

I for so long have hated on myself for so long and I have begged myself to find an answer or 3, to build a resolution for what I in my mind find that I am struggling with… but there was a point in my life when I gathered my thoughts and the thoughts of the many voices around me and simply threw them off the tactical side of my life’s sparring mat and said to myself out loud in a voice that was full of moments of self actualisation and self realisation that “I have to be my own worlds inhabitant.. the person that I could not only rely on but would guarantee that I would be present in my own life’s here and now… standing open hearted, open minded to an unknown reality that was with the utmost certainty starting to engulf my life as I knew and am now knowing living today.

I knew in these moments and in the days to follow that I had realised that I was the only person that I could fully rely on… so many people have told me over the 5 years since my “actual date of my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis “ that my stubbornness & my struggles and well defined inner strengths are going to be the weakness that see’s me and my heavy load crumbled to the ground….

There is a big part of me that knows that these voices are speaking the truth… I know oh to well of the existence of the walls that I have built up around me… These walls I myself know are built out of sheer determination to ignore the ignorance’s and uneducated thoughts of those around me… the cement that holds my walled in structure together is a mix of the many years of seeing the true intentions of others in the accountable moments that they chose to ignore… maybe ignore is the wrong world… but I did get tired of watching and hearing the distance and disassociation of those around me… I learned the hard way to see that the only hand that was going to raise me the grips of my Multiple Sclerosis mooed diagnosis was me…

What I wanted and what I have always wanted from those around me was and still is the guarantee of the fight to keep me healthy wouldn’t be my life’s walk .. alone and left wondering where my life would be taking me.

I gathered information and tried with all my might to help educate not only those around me… but I too wanted to read all that I could to educate myself… I needed to know what plan my body was signing itself up for.

I tried and I tried and I tried to give myself the community of support that I knew I would eventually need… I wanted to scream and I wanted to yell… and I tried with all that was in me to open the floodgates to my vulnerability’s… there I was in the early days of my diagnosis alone in a room full of people… not even my tears would give me the right to have a moment.

“If a single person is surrounded by other people, especially in a social situation such as a party, you can realize that you don’t have a real connection with any of these people. When you are alone, you are not confronted with the superficiality of your relationships. But when you are in a room full of your friends, you can suddenly realize, “I don’t actually like these people. I have nothing in common with them. They don’t really KNOW me, who I am. Why do they seem happy while I’m miserable?” You can discover, unhappily, that you’ve outgrown your social circle which can make you feel isolated and disconnected.”

I didn’t just say that I dislike my community or the people around me… what I did say is that I dislike seeing the connection that I have with, and for them.

“I think it’s better to feel content alone… If you’re content, you are closer to happiness than feeling alone in a crowd. Being alone and empowered is far better than being in a crowd and feeling lonely and sad…

I am most definitely not sad lost or depressed… the very descriptive words that I have heard since my ppms diagnosis… over and over again. I have just learned other ways to cope and other ways to fulfil my day daily journey and the daily symptoms that plague my walk and direction.

“I often find myself alone in a room… alone with myself, my computer and my thoughts. My mind is always bustling with thoughts, possibilities, questions and curiosity whether or not I’m with people. I always wonder what other people think or like other people’s perspective on things; I think it’s awesome to get a glimpse into someone’s mind and see alternate points of view. Many of these moments there are actually living and breathing people in this same room… why do I then see myself as being alone??? Well, when I look up I see nothing other than their eyes in my diagnosis; them taking on a role within my existence where they spend their moments wishing that it wasn’t my life’s reality to have my body living with “My Story” at the helm.

I give a lot of credit to those around me for the thoughts and disbelief of my life now being in the hands of my ppms diagnosis but I want more than anything for them to see me minus the world that they font truly see or know.

Imagine sitting in a crowded lunchroom by yourself. Hundreds of conversations are taking place, yet not a single one included you… I know that my community members are concerned and scared for what my tomorrow’s will actually bring to my now wavering but still strong well-footed foundations… but I long for them to see me.. just me… nothing and no diagnosis that describes my life’s here and now.

The deafening silence can bring a person on the brink of insanity. I spend hours hoping that I won’t have to endure this anymore, or even for much longer but a part of me knows that’s this deafening silence can be cruel, and being different in the eyes of others can be a death sentence when those very people sometimes unknowingly fail to see me for who I am, the me without the Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis.

For these reasons when I am alone; I can ignore the images, the sounds and the disconnections of others and I have probably learned way to well the skill of distracting myself with my daily workload, my writing, my blogging, music and even reading. Being alone is where I am most comfortable, and probably the most self-aware… I learned the art of convincing myself that loneliness doesn’t matter … but deep within my way down into the burrows of deeply hidden soul, I know that the way I feel does truly and deeply matter to me.

It’s a lonely world living out the day to day comings and goings of my unpaved road… something to be said for a life being lived in weakened moments of loneliness… but never in the path of a life having room for boredom.

So in the wrapping up this daily write; I will say this “Solitude is a highly judged area. Society lays down a lot of rules here — there are definite rights and wrongs on how much time you should spend on your own. And people don’t hesitate to lecture you on what those rules are if you are caught enjoying a bit of peace and quiet. If you’re not careful, you can find yourself being dragged into a social situation against your will and for your own good.

It wouldn’t matter so much if it didn’t come with the risk of being characterised. A loner is ‘sad’. A recluse is a ‘billy-no-mates.”… I not a loner I just like my alone time… I can think, I can write, I can be productive… and I can find my solace in my many daily writings… I don’t feel “all be”.. I just see my aloneness in my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis… alone but no afraid… living moments of my day in solitude… and many more in the company of “My Story “… I only wish that I didn’t feel the disconnection of those around me purely because it would be easier for me to tell them that I am not the person who is struggling with what is my now ppms life.

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Thank you for reading my March 12th very personal journal page… it may be honest and very raw but it is for a big step in learning to shed some light on the vulnerability that I work so hard at hiding…

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com