Day #134 “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” – Part #4

“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”
Reference/s –
https://themighty.com &
https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf

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When I write about my story of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis I write in a personal way… I write about PPMS as if he was a real person , with a real identity…(I have humanised him and even given him a name and a gender, his name is “My Story – and his gender is Male”

There are times throughout my writings where “My Story” himself makes an appearance & he is allowed to have a voice and even writes in the first person, I choose not to write for him (as a person telling another person’s story – in a disconnected third person kind of way)… “My Story” does have his own identity and he in fact as of late has started to identify himself as a comedian… (a self amused writer… as I personally see him).

I do think that in giving a human form to the identity of my PPMS, by giving him a name & a gender, by allowing him to speak in his own voice, in allowing him to identify himself as a comedian I think that I am just putting a lighter side to a diagnosis that exists in my body… that works against me in my everyday life… pushing its boundaries and “kick ass attitude” into my even white knuckled painful daily journey.

I have written before in and throughout my writings about my PPMS about how I feel that I am in my day to day life of having Ms test I know that I am in a fight with myself and my diagnosis to maintain who it is that I am…. and who it was that I was before my diagnosis of PPMS came to be a small part of who it is that I am now. I have written about how it is important for me to maintain my mind, my thoughts and my ability to learn new things.

And I have written on numerous occasions of my fears of how I would struggle to lose the who and the what parts of the very person that I am… what would I do without my thoughts and my mind processing and working abilities?? I would hate to think… my god I think that I would be better off being lost to this world than I would be if I had to live in this world with a diminished reality of whom it is that I am.

And there are times when I share a personal side of my PPMS story and how it affects me … just recently in a post I wrote the following:- “My Story”… I even thank him kindly when he makes me crash head first into the walls of my hallway… I don’t particularly find it funny when he trips me up on my many times folded socks (I have small feet and my socks have a mind of their own, together “My Story” and my socks work hard at pissing me off), but I give them a mouthful.. throwing my sox into the washing basket screaming “you deserve far worse treatment but maybe a spin in the washing machine will teach you who is boss..”

It sounds ridiculous… but getting mad only feeds the pain and symptoms… of “My Story” and my PPMS… I have found that humour humiliates both my symptoms and my ass-kicking socks and momentarily I feel a release of it’s at times overwhelming pain threshold that it can at times have over me.

I do tell people who ask about my Ms… that I Have Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, It Can & Will Kick Me In The Ass When It So Has The Need & Or Want To… But Humour Keeps It’s Hold On Me From Knocking Me To The Floor.

I do choose to get up everyday knowing that at this moment in time that there is no cure for Ms, that there is only trials, treatments and day to day struggles…I have on many occasions been told that I am way to positive about my PPMS diagnosis “Like Really – Was That A Sentence, A Statement Or A Judgement ?”

I have told many people over the years since my diagnosis that there is truly no point in seeing the bad side of my Ms diagnosis, that crying & screaming “why me ?” isn’t for me… I tell people that at times Ms may have a tight grip on my pain threshold, but I believe that humour and giving it an identity like I have keeps the strong hold and the amount of medications that I have to take down to the minimum.

So I say to you my readers …. that maybe I am way to positive or even casual about my PPMS and its diagnosis/symptoms and maybe that positive attitude is too positive of an attitude for some people to handle… but for me, having a positive, humanising, humorous attitude about my PPMS is how i cope and get by from day to day – being positive works for me and whilst my positive attitude may not dwell well with others… I say to that…. What others think and how they feel about my positive attitude is just that “their thoughts” I choose not to weigh into the thinking’s and thoughts of other people… my journey and the way I go about it is what makes my Ms story personal to me…I choose to laugh in the face of my own diversity…  ” I refuse to use MS as a crutch or an excuse for the bad days that may block my day-to-day paths, I put on a brave face each & everyday… wearing strength & inner perseverance like a super hero cape even when the days have me feeling like I have no energy to power on.”

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Awhile back I wrote the below poem titled “This Is Me”… A summation of the everything that I am… & I feel its a perfect summation of  today’s scrawling’s and my inner thoughts.

“This Is Me”
I’m not a stranger to the verbal words spoken behind my turned back
I see the finger-pointing
& I feel the stabbing pains that dig me deep within my heart
Pushing me to my breaking pointing
Expecting me to run
Run as far as it takes where no one can see me
All because they say its fun
To pull away at my inner workings
To see how I tick and toc

They want to see me hurt
They want to feel my need
All so that they can say that they were the ones who saved me!

I walk alone in my own stained glass tears
Pushing forward with all that wills me
Through the barricades of people who hold me back
& onto the footpath that I have built for me
And when the darted words make my life unbearable
I choose to walk tall vowing that my tears will never fall.

Silent moments and a flood of tears
Away from watching eyes and cheers of laughter
Silence becomes my comforter
As my legs raise me to where I am ok again.

I am not scared to have to have an opinion
& I am not scared to make it known
& whilst I certainly do not walk without fear
I am comforted by my guiding morals and values
I make no apologies,
I welcome my strength and know that this is who is me.
And when their words
Try to bend and break my resolve
I put on my brave face
& walk proudly on.

I am me
I am unique
I am the best me that I can be.
No hesitations
No apologies
& certainly no damn sorry’s
For I am being who it is that I was meant to be.

Written By
Tanya Kelly
2019

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So… “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” …. Hell yah it is… & his name is “ My Story, He Is Male, He Identifies As A Comedian” and together “ My Story & I ” live with a positive attitude that has a humanising element of who & what “My Story”  & PPMS” is to me…

PPMS, “My Story” & I  are the elements of me that make me; me!

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So there it is my thoughts and perspectives on an interesting question came into my inbox.. (“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”)… the very thoughts that got me thinking about my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, and about how PPMS, “My Story” & I  are the elements of me that make me; me!

Reference/s – https://themighty.com & https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf

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Thank you for sticking with me & my long winded writings and thoughts. I hope that through my words you gained a greater understanding of what Multiple Sclerosis is and how the many of thousands of people who have it get through their every day’s.

Multiple Sclerosis may have altered some of my body’s workings & it may have altered the way that I do thing in my day to day life… but I am strong and I live each day to the fullest with a hope that the generations that will follow in my footsteps will live a life without Multiple Sclerosis or any other autoimmune disease in their timeline.

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<== This Blog Post’s Other Pages ==>
Introduction  –  #1  –  #2  –  #3  –  #4

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

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Day #133 “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” – Part #3

“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”
Reference/s –
https://themighty.com &
https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf

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So to answer the question put forward at the beginning of this daily write:- “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”

Well the answer is yes… yes of course my condition & diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis is part of who I am… but not in terms of “Am I Who Is It Is That I Am Because  I Have Been Diagnosed With Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis?” Well the answer to this is no, no my PPMS hasn’t made me who it is that I am & I certainly do not write about the things that I write about in my daily scrawling’s because of my Ms.

Some Background To My Daily Writings

I have been writing since I was very young & I have always written  at some level for these many years but on January 9th, 2018 I took up my daily writings as part of an agreement that I made with myself.  (I wanted to start up journaling again but was seriously concerned about the safety and security of my writings because some years ago my journal was stolen and handed around my teenage community of friends – from that moment I vowed to never journal again).

So in January last year I started writing on a daily bases and submitted my daily thoughts at http://www.750words.com&#8230; this writing forum was locked by a username and password… so I began writing and submitting my daily scrawling’s and felt secure in doing so.

So time rolled in and I was already dabbling in my thoughts of blogging… but there was no way that I was going to post what I had been writing about in my 750words.com’s daily postings… some of it was ok to use… but there was a degree of “personal anonymity that I want to keep.. for both me and my writings sake.”

I was so bogged down by my initial setup of my blog because I wanted to use my web design skills to create a website/blog that was all mine… I was do weighed down by the designing process of my blog that I becoming very overwhelmed by the whole idea of blogging, so I bit the bullet and put my design wants aside and began a free blogging site with http://www.wordpress.com – a site that is today known as 365 Day Somethings (https://365daysomethings.wordpress.com).

What I write about at 365 Day Somethings isn’t all about my diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis… there are posts about my PPMS but it rates the occasional mention and only from time to time.

Before I was diagnosed with PPMS I was a writer with much to say… but writing poetry & daily journaling was where I was in my wants for my writing journey.

As a child I did have ideas and or thoughts of becoming a journalist or a columnist but these parts of my secret thoughts and wants for my life were avenues and aspirations that I never pursued.

So before blogging and daily writings at 750words I was a web designer and the occasional writer of poetry… & when I say occasional writer of poetry what I mean to say here is that I probably have a few hundred pieces of written pieces that I have written over the past years.

After my actual diagnosis of PPMS I do think that I became more serious about my writing abilities and my wants for my many stories and hidden thoughts to be written…

There was a part of me that thought that my stories would be of some comfort to my Family and Friends in the event that my PPMS was to take a turn… I wanted to write and share the things that I kept within and didn’t share freely with others… I suppose that you could say that I saw a need to get writing and to finally download my many thoughts.

So in terms of the question at hand “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” Mmm… like I said … yes no and maybe in a small way it it… but I have always had a writing voice and I have always had an opinion about many things… but I do feel that I dont use my writing voice, my many daily writing avenues and my diagnosis of PPMS to have my say… in fact I more of a “prolific personal writer – an author of many writings “ but in saying that I am not a writer that chooses to write about things that are going on in and around the world… I have written about things in a more open stance before but I feel that my writings could be seen as a “personal collection of memoir elements that put together will tell the many stories of who it is that I am.”

Writing about my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis is a small part of who I am, there us apart of me that want to write as a Warrior and a voice of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis… I do have moments where I want to use my writing abilities to bring a voice and an awareness to Multiple Sclerosis and the life altering symptoms that causes Ms’ers the many limitations that’s its diagnosed disease brings… yes there is a part of me that has a want to advocate for the awareness, the education and the voice for Multiple Sclerosis… but I selfishly want to tell the stories of how my own personal journey and diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis affects and impacts me, my loved ones, my immediate family and my many friends near and far.

My personal stories will with hope become my personal memoir… a story of who I am that will in some sort of left handedness will serve to educate others about the fight and cause of  the disease know as Multiple Sclerosis.

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<== Please Go To Blog Post #4 To Continue Reading This Blog Post ==>
Introduction  –  #1  –  #2  –  #3  –  #4

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

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Day #132 “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” – Part #2

“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”
Reference/s –
https://themighty.com &
https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf

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I personally see my own Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis battle as it is a “Symbiont”) – An organism in a symbiotic relationship. In cases in which a distinction is made between two interacting organisms, the symbiont is the smaller of the two and is always a beneficiary in the relationship, while the larger organism is the host and may or may not derive a benefit from the relationship.

And then there are times when I see my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis as a parasite (Parasitism is a kind of symbiosis; a close and persistent long-term biological interaction between the parasite and its host. Parasitism is a relationship between species, where one organism, the parasite, lives on or in another organism, the host, causing it some harm, and is adapted structurally to this way of life).

Why can’t Ms be known as a parasite?… after all what Ms does to the body is that it eats away the insulating covers of nerve cells, the brain and the spinal cord causing quite a bit of damage and leaving scars along the way… disrupting the ability of parts of the nervous system; causing it to miscommunicate with the body, resulting in a range of signs and symptoms, including physical, mental, and sometimes psychiatric problems.

So What Is Multiple Sclerosis In A Nutshell?

Ms is a demyelinating disease which means that it is a disease of the nervous system in which the myelin sheath of neurons is damaged. This damage impairs the conduction of signals in the affected nerves. In turn, the reduction in conduction ability causes a deficiency in sensation, movement, cognition, or other functions depending on which nerves are involved.

However, a person chooses to take on the plentiful gifts of Ms &it’s many symptoms is purely up to the person who has been given the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis.

In my journey I choose to have a sense of humour (that I hold “My Story) responsible for), I keep busy with my web design/computer technician work, my many writing adventures & of course my blogging journey. I’m a busy Mum of 3 and a Wife to a very supportive Husband who all work hard to keep me grounded and on top of my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis ailments.

I may sound chipper and it may seem that I have a can do, will do & have to do attitude about this whole life-altering story that has me in a not so bad of a way; let my words be heard but please don’t think that my journey has been and will be in the future an easy one, I have many many hard says and some land me in bed for days at s time… I work hard to keep myself on top of things & I work even harder to complete my own self appointed daily schedule… some days are more of an ass kicking than I let on… some days are full of self-talks and muttering moments that spur me to get a move on…

My Diagnosis of Ms has given me many hours of self-doubt… but I will never let myself get to the self-pity stage… I get angry for my family who has to endure the struggles that are not theirs (they also have to take on some of chore lists when “My Story” decides that he isn’t going to be a team player and work to get the house and its many chores done)… I am afraid of what tomorrow will bring… to be frank I am scared shitless of the unknown… I am in constant question time with my mind and souls governing body, it always seems to be in censorship that I am way to busy and mindfully active for someone who has PPMS but being busy in my many daily habits, Family and work life is where I get to be me… the me who has a diagnosis of Ms but is able to push through and just get shit done.

The best advice I could give to anyone struggling is this… get a notebook and write, write, write… Write about anything, writing is the best therapy that you could give to yourself.

Find a hobby, join a book club, take on a new adventure… but please whatever you do… “DON’T SIT STILL” sitting still and giving up will allow Ms and any other autoimmune disease to take over the cognitive functions of who it is that you are…

Like the saying goes “Strength In Numbers – When Referring To Bullying “ I believe that “A Can Do Attitude & Willful Strength Will See Those Brain Fog Days & Kick Ass Symptoms As Moments Of Resting Time For One’s Inner Courage.”

Building strength and determination that will help you to reach deep within… giving you the power to see you through your toughest days is what makes up the best defensive game for you and your Ms journey… will yourself every day to never give up… Ms doesn’t have to be the end of all your life’s ambitions… every person’s Ms is different so it is up to you to draw what will be the map of your life’s path.

“Ms Doesn’t Get To Wear The Warrior Costume & You Don’t Need One; Getting Up & Everyday … Pushing Hard To Be The Very Person You Can Be… Will Become The Grit & Grind That You Hold Onto Strength & Sheer Determination Will See Your Foggy Days Clear… Your Own Warrior Journey Will Be Your Best Run Race The Warrior In You Will Be Victorious When You Take Ms Head on Into Battle.”

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<== Please Go To Blog Post #3 To Continue Reading This Blog Post ==>
Introduction  –  #1  –  #2  –  #3  –  #4

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

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Day #131 “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” – Part #1

“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”
Reference/s –
https://themighty.com & https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf

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An interesting question came into my inbox this week.. this question got me thinking about my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, about me & about how the two parts make me; me…

The question that was asked is this “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”

So this question by “The Mighty Community Website – which is a supportive community for people facing health challenges and the people who care for them.” got wondering and then all of a sudden I went all sci-fi on my identification of what Multiple Sclerosis may actually be…

My thoughts are kind of a funny now that I am taking the time to sit down and read what it is that I have written. I actually sat down to put some serious thought time into the question at hand…

Blame it on my pain meds or on “My Story – (Ms for short) for the way it chooses to humanise himself with his spits and spats and tit-tat moments of humor… you see… from time to time “My Story” plays out his days as a comedian… he does thinks he is funny… I like to to laugh at him deliberately because I find that he is nicer to me in the days after he has had a good night laughing with his audience… when he has a feeling that my laughter is being disingenuous (not laughing because he is funny… laughing because I know it benefits me and weeks level of suffering)… he serves me a great big bloody hug… taking the air out of my winded sails and forces me to tap out… collapsing into an unscheduled nanna nap.

At first … when I began writing this piece… I wondered in some kind of a half arsed thought; if I was actually living in some sort of codependent relationship with “My Story “ at the helm.. I started to wonder if I was actually the one that was codependent on “My Story” … relying on him soon became over run by the thoughts in my head – screaming out “You codependent on “My Story” oh what a laugh… (seriously I couldn’t be reliant on “My Story” what does he bring to the table besides the attention that he brings me by adorning my body with its ping-ponging funky walk)…

I quickly thought nah to the thought of me living in a codependent relationship with “My Story”… I ‘m not an attention seeker snd my funky walk … well after 6 nearly 7 years of it actually being in existence… it isnt that funny anymore… being flung into my wardrobe as I stumble off balance whilst trying to dress is just not funny anymore… let me not even entertain you with my many stories about my 4am meetings with my hallways door handles that love to stamp my body with bruises.

Who knows; maybe it’s “My Story) that is actually the codependent person in our relationship… after all the definition of codependent is (behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity)… he certainly has a need to be attention seeker, he thinks he is funny, seeks approval by forcing me to laugh at him or he causes me to hurt… and that funky walk he has me doing !! Immaturity Right There !! Yep “My Story” most definitely has a reliance on me for a sense of identity… as warped as it maybe!

Now with all seriousness & with “My Story” & his identity aside…

Maybe just maybe; Ms requires us its life-altering subjects to have life-altering symptoms for it to gain what it needs from us ie myelin and energy…. maybe it has a substance issue and the symptoms that people with Ms suffer from are the very things that Ms is physically or psychologically addicted to…

My theory is that maybe when Ms doesn’t get its fill… it falls into a relapse and drains its human host and land him/her into hours and days of suffering the symptoms of its temper tantrum… stepping up in intensity… proving that it is in charge by allowing the human hosts immune system to eat away at the bodies protective covering of its nerves… tap dancing from head to foot … stopping from time to time to hug its host… making sure that they know that it’s not yet time for Ms to return to its plateau – where it sits in quiet, entering a state of quiet where it has little activity or progress in the progression of its severity and or symptoms.

Then I had a questioning moment where I asked myself with some degree of curiosity… Is My Body A Vessel that carries Ms along in its journey? Or is my Ms a succulent (adaptive and able to absorb and manifest itself and its altering conditions to suit it’s here and now… able to grow into what it wants to be … knowing that it has little to no medical intervention or medication regimes to stand in its way.

Then another thought came by… Is Ms an organism, unfounded, unidentified by today’s scientific world… is it possible that Ms may actually be a parasite or a symbiont feeding on my fatty myelin, whilst wrapping itself around my nerve fibres either to keep warm, or maybe Ms is wrapping itself around my nerve fibres in order to fill its own energy reserves for the purpose of altering me, my abilities, my onslaught of symptoms and of course the level of ever-changing disabilities.

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<== Please Go To Blog Post #2 To Continue Reading This Blog Post ==>
Introduction  –  #1 –  #2  –  #3  –  #4

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

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Day #130 “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” – Introduction

“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”
Reference/s –
https://themighty.com &
https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf

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This is a preliminary post about what I will be blogging about for the next few days. This post that I wrote is quite long so I thought that I would sit down and post it to my blog over a few days.

So what are the next few days of blogging to be about? Well in my e-mail’s inbox a few days ago a question caught my attention… so I thought that I would sit down to write out an answer to the question being asked… (apologies in advance)… It’s seems that my thinking thoughts ran away with my finger tips and together they got a little busy…  unfortunately for you I seem to be a marathon writer – I like to write lengthy posts… but even I think that this one may be a little to long… (but I just couldn’t cut it down to a reasonable & a read worthy size).

So I have placed my thoughts into a few blog posts so I don’t bore you to death.

(I even created the graphic to the left of this blog post to give you a clue of what I will be writing about).

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So here is the question that I found in my e-mail’s inbox.
“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”

Referenced Websites
– https://themighty.com &
– https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf

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<== Please Go To Blog Post #1 To Continue Reading This Blog Post ==>
Introduction  –  #1  –  #2  –  #3  –  #4

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

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Day # 83 – Pep Talk Day

Very few words were spoken today, instead I spent the day pep talking myself, giving myself the strength and the time out that I needed to find inner peace within me.

Firstly this pictured quote that I am found strength in writes:

“Respect your body when it’s asking for a break.
Respect your mind when it’s seeking to rest.
Honour yourself when you need a moment.”

Author.
Notes Creator

This pictured quote gave me the greatest strengths today.. it told me in a symbolic embrace to see myself and my body’s pain in all it’s here’s and now’s… let the trying moments of my hurting days to be allowed to take the break that it needs to replenish its strength. This Pictured quote was a message that gives me the message of “learn to respect me and how my body feels and needs time to heal.”

This self respect message came to me when I needed it most… I have been pushing hard to be all to everyone – putting myself way past the end zone of my own needs. “I know I need a moment to find the time that my body needs to build up the strength that it needs to carry me on through to the junction in my road. Its time to listen to my body… and today I heard it loud and clear.

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In this pictured quote the message that has the following words scribed into it says:

The strength of your soul
Was born on the backs of moments
That brought me to my knees.

Author.
S.L. Healon

The message that was delivered to me in this pictured quote was a strong reminder of how I became me.

I have indeed seen some of the worst sides of human nature and the behaviours that make up people. I have indeed been hurt and felt the greatest of pains both in my heart and throughout my body… so what this pictured quote reminded me of is the many times that I have been brought to my knees, but have found the strength and the courage to bring myself to an upright position, placing my head high and my eyes set firmly on the path that was ahead of me…

Proving to me that even at the worst stages of my life I was able to be my own backbone and I am here today because I chose not to give up on any of my previously hard days.

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When Life’s challenges become harder,
Challenge yourself to become stronger.

Author.
Unknown

This week I have had to learn to breathe deeply… my week delivered me and Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis – “My Story” an ass kicking and a reality check into what happens when I don’t listen to my body need to say enough is enough… I failed to heed my bodies warning signs and it in return decided to turn the outcome into a lesson of gruelling pain.

My body challenged me emotionally, physically and mentally this week & it has left me a little weaker than I would like.. but I have learned the message that it was screaming at me “I know now that I must take time out for my body to catch its breath and pace”… I will indeed take this weeks challenges and lessons and be the mindful strength that my body and I need.

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This pictured quote is a quote that I found whilst looking for memes that relate to Multiple Sclerosis.

This meme’s Author is.
MSMultipleSclerosis.net

Ms continually challenges me
To find balance between
Pride & Humility.

I wrote the following this week in another written blog post:

I guess I now know what extreme heated days , fatigue & Multiple Sclerosis can do to a person… what I haven’t said is that I have also lived with my light weight cardigan in my lap this week… because I have not only had extreme heated body temperatures taking me out of the realm of my comfort levels… I have also had moments where my temperatures plunged to the ground and had me putting my cardigan and socks on and off… I must have looked like an igloo man coming out of the Antarctic lands straight into the desert waste lands and only to return back again to blazing sun heat days.

I know that there will be days when my Ms symptoms will spend the days peeking to their highest levels of annoyance… pushing my pain level and my tolerance to the to the highest level of my pain threshold… but I am optimistic & hoping for a better week.. emotionally, physically, mentally & socially… this Truly was my worst week ever since my Ms Diagnosis… I am hoping to not have many more of these days… “Here’s Hoping For A Better Week.

This week has taught me a valuable lesson in asking and in seeking help… the heated days and nights defiantly took e beyond my limits… I knew that I was feeling week, but it is never me to give up… but I know now that continuing on and pushing myself harder to complete my daily’s jobs was the very thing that undid me and turned my bad days into nightmare driven painful moments that took 6 days to come through.

I am to proud for my own good… I don’t like asking for help… I knew that I needed it but my pride forbid me to ask for it… yes I had a low level outlook of my own needs and importance.. I took my body for granted and it gave me a spin rinse and wash.

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This pictured quote depicts what it is that I have leant this week in my trying times and how I should prevent a repeat of this week happening ever again.

When I am resting
On a “Fare Up Day”
I need to remember that I am not wasting the entire day doing nothing.
I am doing exactly what I need to do.
I’m recovering.

Author.
Unknown

Simply putting it I walked the long road to learning the words “Not Today”
I pushed my body and my mind set out of their pyjamas and right back into the rat race of life…
I took it upon myself to allow myself to feel that others were relying on me to be me and to simply get things done… when my body needed rest it screamed and screamed… falling on deaf ears my “flare up” became my bodies enemy and it certainly took care of me…

It is usual for me to feel guilty for the things that I didn’t get done throughout my day..
& being told that I am lazy or relying to heavily on other to see that my needs and wants are met; serves to spur me on and pushes me out of my rest. I thought that I was a person who cared little for the what others had to say… but clearly my thoughts are incorrect or I would have stayed in bed to rest.

Taking a day here & there doesn’t mean that I am lazy… I know this oh so well
When my body signals its warning signs
I now know to stop & listen.

Rest isn’t for the weak or lazy,
It’s for the greater good  of this vessel that I call my soul & body.

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There are so many lessons and words of advice that I could offer to those who are standing on the outskirts of a loved one or a person in their midst… giving them the knowledge of what it it is like to have a life altering illness… but I think my time would be better spent encouraging them to hear the many messages that scream to with in no-verballed tones to simply lend a hand…

Firstly the worst thing that a person could tell a person with a life altering illness is  to “tell them to get over it”
There is a degree of ignore in the toned voice of these very words… why instead of watching the struggle don’t you just get down to a struggling person’s out stretched hand ” & help them get through it…”

Another important lesson that I would surmise to teach is:-

Never underestimate
The pain of a person,
Because in all honesty,
Everyone is struggling.
Just some people are
Better at hiding it
Than others.

Author.
www.healtyplace.com

Not every  persons pain is visible and no two people feel pain in the same way… and for some people (myself included) we choose to keep our inner struggles and our inner woe’s to ourselves – preferring to suffer in silence then to see pity and disgust on the faces of the people we love and trust).

Truth be known we are all struggling in some way shape or form… no-one has the perfect life of no aches, pains or groans… empathy & compassion will go further in the
life and world of someone needing a moment of care and understanding.

A written quote by Lupie Linda sums up my every thought…

When you have a chronic illness,
How you feel Changes from day to day,
Hour to hour
& even minute to minute.
I never Know how I’ll feel.

For those standing on the outskirts of a person with a chronic illness; it may seem that plans get changed or even broken … and that excuses of tiredness and exhaustion are the words that are often spoken… “I read a meme just this week that said.. no matter how much rest I may take, my tired symptoms rarely leaves me to just be me.”

Lessons Learned In Life writes on their meme the following words of wisdom and offers up a great word of advice:

No matter what you do
Someone will always talk about you.
Someone will always question your judgement.
Someone will always doubt you.
So just smile and make choices
you can live with.

I say right on  “Lessons Learned In Life”… run your own race at your own pace… listen to everything that you are told and hear, divide it in half, throw one half away and what you will be left with; is what you know and believe is the truth.

I have gained much personal insight this week into how it is that I cope when I am in grips of strong handed pain… and I have most defiantly seen myself in the grasp of unrelenting pain… I have seen the not so likeable me pushing to offer assistance as far away from me as I could get them… I have seen those around me struggling to take away my pain… I have seen as I have yelled and screamed that no one can hear the words that scream out “I Need help !”

I have also learned another very valuable lesson that cuts me to my core.. & that would be well founded in the words of the bellow written quote:

My biggest regrets in life are
Being to damn nice,
Apologising when I didn’t do anything wrong
& making unworthy people
A priority.

What I Learned this week in the depths of my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis’s death grip is what true humanity, love and plain & simply who gives a shit…

I have been in a position to watch the people that I love and know be in position of unmeasurable pain… I cant ever remember a time when I turned my back and simply walked away… it may be true that pain changes who it is that we are, and how it is that we act when we are brought to the kneeling stance praying for a moment to breathe… but nothing has prepared me for the ignorance that some blank faces have shown me… my diagnosis of PPMS has shown me the raw bones of my inner smile…

There is so much strength in a person who is seen the strength of strong pain… there is even a far greater strength on those who use their pain to find the inner strength to stand and scream “wow.. shit what a ride” – laughing at the grips that tighten around their every in and outed breath.

I so hope with hand on my heart hope that this weeks onslaught of weathered heat and body driven by Ms pain never meets again… I certainly have had my share of ups and downs and I have seen my sanity take a dive… but the one thing that I take from this weeks painful body blows is that I am strong and very capable of standing and admitting to my deep and raw pain… I appreciate that I could see the bad side of hat my pain can do to me… and I can appreciate now the lessons that I should have all along been listening to… that sixth sense that tells me something’s can sit on the back burner that it is time for my body to rest.

This week was most certainly a week of  humility smacking my pride in its face.

“Now, every time
I witness a strong person,
I want to know;
What darkness did you
Conquer in your story?
Mountains do not rise
Without earthquakes.”

Author.
Katherine MacKenett
The Minds Journal

I was that person that the above written quote talks of, just this week in my
“Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis’s Earthquaking Journey”

Whilst I may have seen the inner darkness of my pain and it’s tolerance, I know that I will never conquer my “Ms Story” or the path that lies in its ruins… but I am a witness to my own body’s lessons and now it is up to me to find the time to sit in the wake of my pain delivered memories and learnt what it is that my body is telling me.

I will finish  today daily blog submission off with a quote that I saw today.

” Bend Don’t Break Be Flexible Yet Stand Firmly Rooted “

oh yah before I forget… here is my final thought

” wow.. Shit What A Ride “

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Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 43 – “Ralph Sockman Wrote”

Today I am sharing a few of my many favourite quotes by “Ralph Sockman” that I think sums up every person’s will to survive and push forward, seeing their tomorrow’s sunrises rise & their evenings sunsets set. Ralph Sockman also throws into the mix a persons own resolve in the questioning of their own real strengths, self-gentleness, inner morals, value & convictions.

A Quote Written By Ralph Sockman
“ Nothing Is So Strong As Gentleness & Nothing Is So Gentle As Real Strength ”

What Does Ralph Sockman’s Quote Mean?
Well …. at some time or another in everyone’s life we all go through rough patches and turbulent waters that engrave deeply both negative and positive lessons deeply into our soul’s & minds.

These lessons show us how strong we are when we are going through troubled times & they show us our resolves when the storm is blown over. What Ralph Sockman is saying is this…. ” A person’s inner gentleness is a beautiful tool to own, it allows us to show empathy, love and consideration to others and to ourselves. When someone is gentle they are often endearing to others, people find gentle souls a great comfort in trying times.

On the negative side of gentleness, people and their giving nature can often be taken for granted… a giving nature is a soft target for those always seeking an easy path to self gain. There is a great deal of truth to the fact that a gentle soul can sometimes leave its owner existing in a lonely world…. feeling as though they are only wanted by others for what they have to offer often leaves a person’s soul empty or unfulfilled.

On the plus side of gentleness, people are not only characteristic of noble & kind they are people who other seeks out for true and meaningful relationship’s & friendships.

Gentleness is more than a personal disposition. It’s an outgrowth of love. It is when you care enough to choose not to be harsh, rash, angry, or rough. Gentleness is when you learn and use the best way to hold an egg or a butterfly. A gentle person knows better than to harm others, and so chooses to act in a way that does not. A gentle person does not seek to make other people angry. Gentleness may lose battles, but it helps win the overall struggles. A gentle response tends to create fewer enemies and more friends. Spiritual fruits all tie together. Self-control overcomes impulsive reactions, which are usually not gentle. Gentle care grows the ability to bear suffering or disadvantage for a long time. Those who have an attitude of kindness (looking for ways to benefit others) will treat others gently. It can not only prevent harm, it can create room for emotional healing.
Reference – http://www.spirithome.com/gentleness.html

Real Strength is the self empowerment that a person possess within themselves that see’s them as people continue to be of a loving nature and personable self after the storms of their own lives have passed through.

When a person shows real strength they are able to see the positives that come out of events that have set their lives into moments of turmoil or sadness. Even if a person is sad or upset they are able to break themselves free of their downtimes and push forward into rebuilding their lives.

Real strength isn’t something that a person’s possess naturally, real strength is   something that can only be accessed over time. By definition, it involves a person’s ability to deal with challenges and bounce back from them, real strength is inner empowerment and isn’t  just about surviving the hard times, it is also about thriving in what is a persons here and now life despite the challenges that a person has gone through.

I think that Ralph Sockman sums up his written quote “ Nothing Is So Strong As Gentleness & Nothing Is So Gentle As Real Strength ” in the study of his next two quotes:

“The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.”
&
“True humility is intelligent self-respect which keeps us from thinking too highly or too meanly of ourselves. It makes us modest by reminding us how far we have come short of what we can be.”Gentleness & Real Strength is certainly seen when a person has a choice of standing on the foundations of his or her own morals, value & convictions even if that means that they are at odds with the majority of those making the same choices.

Showing support and empowerment to a cause or to the people they are choosing to support is a moment of choice that isn’t for the faint  hearted, people often feel the loneliest when they are having to make a choice between standing alone for their beliefs or standing in a crowd with their moral selves being held into self question.

When we are placed in these moment when we must choose… we suddenly find our selves on one side or another.. standing alone or in a small group of like-minded thinker or standing in a crowded space of majority rule thinkers who are either their to save face/relationships but have little self-respect to place their own moral thinking’s on the line.

When self loyalty is tested the test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority – ‘meaning that when we are in a majority our selves morals and values are often questioned and its then that we are able to see ourselves from the view-point of our own thinking’s… these moments are called a moral dilemma’s – situations in which there is a choice to be made between two options, neither of which resolves the situation in an ethically acceptable fashion.

In moral dilemma’s true humility is either shown or shunned…
When humility is shown true strength is brought into play & when it is shunned our inner strengths, moral compasses and gentleness towards others is thrown to the wind.

Showing gentleness, real strength own real strengths, self-gentleness, inner morals, value & convictions and stand point that we as humans have a choice in using.

Both sides of the coin have great implications for our choosing to use and display gentleness, real strength own real strengths, self-gentleness, inner morals, value & convictions but in the end it comes down to what is important to us as people.. how we as people see ourselves and what is important to who it is that we are not only to ourselves but also in the eyes of others.

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Personally, in my own life…

I have on may occasions had to choose where it is that I stand & whilst I knew in all of those moments that I would often find myself standing alone I always chose what was
important to me, standing tall in the days when my gentleness, real strength, inner morals, values & convictions were being tested & questioned…. I have always know that being true to myself & my beliefs would always earn me the respect of myself and not necessarily that of others.

I may lose battles, & friendships may part like divided river ways & at times I may have fewer friends and a greater number of enemies & there may be times when I question my own views and stand points but standing true to myself and what I believe in helps me to win the overall fight.

I am not a rebel or a warrior to a cause…
I just know who I am & in knowing who I am; 
& who I am as a person is
“A person of gentleness, real strength, inner morals, values & convictions”
I know that being anything other than me;
Wouldn’t make me at all happy within myself.

A quote I live By Is
“I would rather stand alone in my convictions then stand alone in a group of people full of  ignorance’s”

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #40 – Spurred On By An Ms Meme

Today’s daily write has been spurred on by a Multiple Sclerosis meme that I saw this morning on my daily read of what I affectionately call “the newspaper- i.e. Facebook.”

The meme reads –
“It’s weird, but M.S. can help you appreciate THINGS what you ONCE OVERLOOKED“

This Meme was founded at a Facebook page titled “MS Memes and more Multiple Sclerosis Information” https://m.facebook.com/msmemesandmore

Well, this meme got me thinking & I just had to rewrite this meme to suit my own Ms Story and my outlook on my life.

So my rewrite of the above meme is this…

“My M.S diagnosis has taught me lessons that I didn’t see coming… I have seen my true worth through the eyes and actions of others and I have seen how my inabilities make others truly feel.

I have never overlooked the behaviours of others but I see things a hell of a lot clearer now that they have revealed their true & selves.

I know my worth in the actions of those who walk beside me without judgement… choosing to see me for whom I have always been & I have seen those who have made the choice to walk along in the far off distance either by judgment or by choice… & who in these communities who it is that I can trust… those who aren’t with me; I know that I should let them be alone to question their own mind & self.”

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In our everyday happenings, we become acceptable of behaviours that are placed upon us in varying degrees of acceptance and non-acceptance.

There are times that pass by us when we are in allowance of other people’s opinions and their thinking thoughts that they have about us, but I believe that in time where illness and struggles knock on our door… I believe that we find out who was truly there for us and who never truly has been.

I have learned that my Multiple Sclerosis acceptance isn’t about me learning about my life that is limited by my daily symptoms… it is about how others feel that I should see myself in and through the eyes of themselves.

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Let me put my thoughts to you as clear and as simply as I can… “I do not overlook the
actions and or talkings of others… and I do not accept the behaviours and or actions of other people either… but what I do do is… I acknowledge that it is human nature for people to live in question of others.

I have made my choice to see that people who have no place for me in their world- in full acceptance of my Ms diagnosis and my day to day limitations are part of my past that I simply was ok to live in their yesterday’s ignorance’s but today I am not.”

Friends will come and others will pass by, people that we hold dear and close to our heart will push us to the limits of our very core – the struggles associated will in time pass, but the length of time and longingness for the familiar voices will never leave but this too is a symptom of the Ms illness that only the one living with it can see.

I take pride in myself when I tell you that I try with all my might to live without judgement of others. Physical characteristics are only just a covering to who people are… I know what judgement feels like so I choose to live my life giving what I can to other allowing them the room to teach me about their life.

“I want to make it clear that I make no apologies for who it is that people perceive me to be… I live my life in a world of pain from the time the sun rises till the very moment that the night gives into the morning’s dawn…. the energy that it takes up explaining why it is that my body and mind need moments of the days to turn off and seek rest … overwhelms me at a far greater pace than the actual Ms symptoms.”

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I am ever so impressed by someone who comes to me asking questions to help in educating themselves… these very people are the energy that takes away the ignorance of humankind and replaces it with an open mind.

I didn’t want to become a member of the “Multiple Sclerosis Warriors Club” but let the truth be told that like any other illness sufferer I just want to treated as you have always treated me. Yell at me when you are mad at me … hug me when you have moments to celebrate me … and most importantly let me be if you cannot accept me and my wheelchair that has replaced my walking feet.

People with Ms are normal people with a box of lucky dips to choose from… each day is unique & no two days are the same… and what you may see in people with Multiple Sclerosis as laziness is to us a moment, a day, or a week where Ms has us by the heartstrings kicking our ass.

For me & “My Story” (My Ms Diagnosis’s Name) our object in life Is to run an untimed gauntlet… Jump through all the hurdles… stacking it from time to time. Incurring painful penalties… for taking on the chore list that we go through every day. There nothing could be worse; than the miscommunications between the body & the brain. For me and “My Story.”

All that there is left to do is Run this bloody gauntlet Listening to our cheers squad Screaming “My Story” Will Not Beat Me…. & Never Will I Give Up!

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What Ms has done and is doing to me is surely a humanitarian crime…

I have come full circle with my Ms diagnosis… I don’t hide behind it … and work hard at maintaining my life and the things/people that I want in it… I own my shit and under very difficult life-altering circumstances I get up every day to do what needs to be done… and whilst some days are harder than others to muster up the energy to meet the day… I drag my ass out of bed at 7 am most days.

I keep myself either physically busy…(chores or things around the house), or mentally busy (writing, blogging, designing… tutoring or fixing a computer)… I try with all my might to keep my daily workload and a rate and level that works with my daily fatigue levels.

People cannot get how truly see how exhausting the fatigue level is and can get. A simple shower can take me hours to recover from… standing to do the dishes (piled high from no one wanting to do them or even from the weekends visiting hours) can leave me limping and pained for hours to days at a go…

My MS is doing its bit right now to lessen my tolerance of others… I am short-fused at the hand of other people’s opinions… and repetitive behaviours are doing my head in… & I know that my Ms symptoms have taken on a different persona… simple tasks like shaving my legs or putting on my shoes can take me two to three time longer than usual.

Here it is the business end of 2018 and I cannot remember the last time that I had a
great day… a day without pain meds… or even a day without a new bruise… my wardrobe gets friendly with me and likes to get in my face… door handles are my favourite they are like magnets to my arms.

“My Story” my companion Thinks he is the teacher What he isn’t aware of is that I have come stronger in my mind… I now know that it’s my job to teach him… how to live with me. I am living with “My Story” But “My Story will never get hold of me.

But through all that you have read here, the one thing that I hope you take away from this my daily blog post is that “Struggle” is my middle name.

I have learned to embrace my limitations, my struggles and even “My Story” thinking that he has one over me… but I ask you as my readers to see me for who I am… no labels and no Ms diagnosis or even for the attitude that has grown quite a voice… I am nobody different than I was yesterday… when I walked beside you shoulder to shoulder.

Today daily blog post titled “Spurred On By An Ms Meme” – Reads – “It’s weird, but M.S. can help you appreciate THINGS what you ONCE OVERLOOKED“

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Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com
Copyrighted By Tanya Kelly. 2018