Day # 68 “My Written 2019 Mantra”

I don’t feel that today’s pictured quote needs any introduction… it to me clearly says everything that I have to say for how I feel about me snd my here no journey at this moment in time.

“I Am At Place In My Life
Where Peace Is A Priority.
I Make Deliberate Life
Choices To Protect My
Mental, Emotional
And Spiritual State.”

Just like the leaf falling from the tree’s heights just above Charlie Brown’s & Snoopy’s togthered embrace; I will watch as the ambered leaves fall from season changing trees and let them show me their natured and nurtured beauty rather then seeing them for the mess that they make to my home.

Symbolically the leaf in this pictured quote are representation of all those around me…
Those who work to walk beside me
& those who struggle to fall with me..

& for those who choose to walk with me
embracing me no matter how many leaves blanket my exterior
they will have the luxury of seeing me for all of whom I am.

Mentally, I have always been pretty strong & I have learned to depend largely on myself.
I know the people that embrace me
I know them intimately in my heart
but I am also very aware of who those faux fur imitators are
I know who is there;
No matter how deep I go within myself
& no matter how far I push them away.

Emotionally, I get by on the smell of an oil rag;
Taking each day one day at time
Embracing the turbulence within me.
I would like work on things affecting me less,
Finding the switch that turns the negativity of others off
I am working on this as a priority
I will start with learning the words “No & Not Today”

Spiritually, I am not lost to religion
Rather I am lost to the mixed messages of the religions spoken & written words.
I am deeply sound in my own hearts beliefs
& I know that my journey isn’t in finding a higher God
its in finding my own very self.

So whilst  today’s daily blog posts pictured quote doe not need any introduction… I feel that it needs a concluding statement that will become my “2019’s To Work On Mantra.”

I will sit upon my own hearts benched seat blind folded & alone in all of 2019’s seasons. I will wait in silence as people come and go & I will embrace those who wish to communicate with me – not through their spoken words but through the promises and their actions.

& as the last day of 2019 comes to its last seconds end
those who remain will be held strongly in my embrace.

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For me 2019 is the year of cleansing,
Working on me and my life’s journey
Ploughing through the lifeless crops
That blanket my fields with promise of seasons of goodness
But deliver little when those season’s turn to dust.

2019 is my year
My year to find my okayness in who it is  that I am
Giving into no sentimental attachments
Screaming loudly… “you are either in or you are out.”

” 2019 this is my written & spoken mantra
A written plan that isn’t at all fool proof
But it is a worded mantra
That I walking and working on & through you with.”

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

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Day # 63 – ” Happy New Year “

Today should be day no#88 of my 365 Day Blogging Journey… but I have decided to start from where I left off instead of trying to catch up on the days that I either missed or was way to bogged down by… there was so much going on over Christmas… the  celebrations/get togethers, shopping for Christmas… Christmas Day itself… not to mention the many visitors that we had & of course the New Years slurry To have sat down in the lack of available time to write a post of any kind would have given me just one more task that would have served to push me and my equilibrium to an unstable centre.

So here I am… thankyou to all those who have messaged me over the Christmas / New Years break.. & a special thankyou to all those who has sent beautiful cards and or presents. even my mail out is still sitting on my table and I will get it to those who are being very patient with me just as soon as time permits but let me thank those who have messaged, checked on me… sent me letters cards and gifts again… I am so very appreciative and thankyou from the bottom of my heart for taking time out of your busy Christmas / New Years Schedules to adorn me with such beautiful treasures.

Firstly Happy & A Very Belated “Merry Christmas To You All, Happy New Year… ” here is to wishing you all the positive vibes that will you see you through to a great 2019….. 2019 can you believe it? wow how time seems to be flying by.

Todays blog post comes with a version of the following quote that I saw Last night on Facebook as 2018 rolled into 2019 – “ When The Countdown To The New Year Begins Raise Your Left Foot, That Way You Start The New Year Off On Your Right Foot ”
So here I am walking along with you all in our blogging journey’s, wishing you all the greatest of wishes for the new year and the days that will surely follow.

I am excited & energised to be back at my  daily blogging writes… & I look forward to reading everyone’s daily writes.

Again Happy New Year Fellow Bloggers & Followers Of 365 Day Somethings.

Written By
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #62 – ” Dear Past Me… “A Note To My Younger Self ”

Below is a writing exercise that is titled “A Note To My Younger Self “

“A Note To My Younger Self “is a letter to my yesterday’s self that reflects upon my journey of many challenges… this is blog post is a writing exercise  that offers up insight to the life’s path that I have walked… offering up insight but not enough to alter the path of my younger self’s future

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“A Note To My Younger Self ” …

Many years have passed since we have entered this world & learned to walk, talk, eat, drink & sleep through the night. Much has happened but I am her as proof that  we survived.

As A child we were a quiet book loving introvert who kept to herself & managed to evolve in a small company of who we called close friends. Our childhood wasn’t always easy and many struggles kept us locked away in self protection mode.

My dearest past self here are my words that I will tell you about the Me that makes up Us…

Some of our journey will be heart breaking, our resolve will be surely tested. Some of what we will go through will for sometime hold us back – we will grow to be introverted liking more and the company of only we but this too i have learned will become a lesson in love and trust… forgiveness wont be easy and why should we offer forgiveness you will surely ask but I will tell you why my younger self and it is simply because if we do not learn to listen to the what we know in our hearts, we will pull ourselves through the struggle and never get loving us.

As we got older we learned to trust the people we felt safe and sheltered by, we should have known then that everything has an expiry date… even the relationships that make our days seem brighter.

As a teen our relationships evolved and at many key times we were happy and blissful in our own bubble. The weekends were filled with get togethers, bbq’s and swimming… adventures to the sea side and the occasional weekends away.

We have entered into relationships with others some good and some bad. Some of these relationships dissolved with mutual agreement and others passed on through natural progression. We in our own opinion always put fourth a foundation of treating others as we would treat ourselves and we have been know for often putting others first but at age 42 (the age i am today January 13th, 2018) I know that I must work on putting us first. For you my younger self in our years to come we will go through many hurdles in the years that will pass.

Friends will come and others will pass, people that we hold deer and close to our heart will push us to the limits of our very core – the struggles associated will in time pass, but the length of time and longing ness for the familiar voices will never leave.

Our life isn’t all dreary… our self created family will become your everything. They will fill your days with the strength that you will hold, they will be your everything. Family to us is the very centre of our core.

Our health will have its hurdles… most will come and go…. but someday soon in your future you will become aware of that little something that has ailed us should be the little voice you should listen to. As hard as some days will become; we too will survive this… this journey maybe ours to be on, but I feel that we were given the task to teach others along the way. Hold on tight, not everyday is easy… but we certainly could, would & should learn to be a little easier on us…yesterday’s self we were born headstrong, independent, open minded and very determined to be who we want to be, but yet I know from experience that I have been to hard at me.

My younger self I could only wish that I was more confident in the me I cover up. I am less self spiritual (I have lost my way in my faith, but I do not “Denounce God”). I feel he has tested me and handed me far greater than my share… but my younger self “We meaning you .. will to survive this.”

Someday beside you will walk with one of this earths greatest souls, together hand in hand. You need not be told who this may be because someday soon a face will become part of we. Learn the lessons that unity has installed, not every day will be roses but love and foreverness will become the everything that you will become.

Let your face and heart be held tightly, let him caress your heart and soul, let the depth of your unity be the bubble that will surround you both.. everyday will be a journey of strength and of struggle but if you have faith in the path that I have already walked; you too my younger self will know the true side of forever love.

Enjoy your journey my younger self, there is much coming your way. Don’t let others curve your enthusiasm or dim the fire in your soul. What others think of as arrogance will serve you well.. stay strong for who you are; for who you will become will be forever faithful to the very person that you will become.

” I wish I could protect you, or show you even more of the journey that you are yet to take.. but I cannot alter your reality  but I do hope that your journey is different now that our life’s insights are yours.

I want you to know that I know our journey may be at times difficult, but I now at the stage in my life; like the view from where I write this note to you.”

Written By
Author. Tanya Kelly
“A Note To My Younger Self”
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #61 – ”My Cracked Mirrored Pane”

Almost like a mirrored tile sitting way up there on a dull lit wall, I find myself gazing into a cracked mirrored pane in the wall that appears to be showing me a reflection of the person in my soul, beckoning and yearning my very glance, not wanting me to be afraid of it or even walk on by.

I sit and glare at the cracked mirrored pane for hours it does seem, wondering with curiosity if anyone can see the cracked mirrored image starring back at me. The reflection in the cracked mirrored pane may mirror my every move but to me it appears to look nothing like me.

Curious; I question what, why and whom is this shadowed figure is playing in my mind. I watch for hours till the sun has set and see that the characteristics of the shadowed face can barely now be seen.

Is the shadowed figure lonely, or looking for a place to sleep?

Hours pass and I catch a glimpse of the shadowed figure trapped near the surface of the cracked mirrored pane. No longer is it mirroring me; my actions, behaviours or even my gentle yet curious smile. No longer can I see its glance for it no longer seeks my attention as i stare at it from where i sit.

The shadowed reflection stands directly behind me now brought fourth by lighting shinning down upon the wall.

I can see the shadowed figure but no longer seek the answers to whom and what it is, for I have become aware that i am who is appearing from the cracked mirrored pane. My figureless shadowed face a reflection of my lonely soul. I can see myself so clearly now, so vivid is my reality, that through the cracked mirrored pane the true me is who I see.

The shadow that stands behind me now is the reality of whom I could be, I need not be faceless or unrecognisable by all that pass me by. The lesson that I have learned tonight has been bestowed on me by myself. I have been holding myself back from the reality of the treasured gifts that our world has to offer in abundance. I have been hidden behind my protected walls with only a small glimpse of who is me.

I had yearned for the attention of others to pull me out of my protected self. No passers by saw the real real me, protected and held in safety by my cracked mirrored pane; I became a faceless shadow trapped within my sheltered heart, a deep but not darkened place that sheltered me from being me. Through my shadowed, protective. cracked mirrored pane I have been shown the truth of whom I truly am. I never sensed that no one could ever not be seeing and hearing me. I never felt my disconnection from the world, from the truth that I hid from me. I lived my life (so I thought) just as everyone else was doing, step by step – day by day never questioning how…of why I live this way.

My intentions were to build a wall to aide in building a safe place. My fear of rejection became my hide away, i had imprisoned me. I can see myself now so vividly now and know what I must do! I do not want to be that solemn faceless shadow looking back at me.

I will take down my cracked mirrored pane and replace it with a shelf, rewarding it with my collected treasures; adornments of who I will become . Never never to be forgotten but to be reminded of the person who once lived within. It is time for me to regain myself and to take down my cracked mirrored pane so that my protected, shadowed self can join the reality of us being we.

Now there is and never was a shadowed cracked mirrored pane hiding me away from me. What is left is ME, the very me that I can be unprotected by my cracked mirrored pane, left open to reality without fear of feeling pain. I can see my world so clearly now, embracing it with both hands. I am out from my hearts protective place “my cracked mirrored pane” my journey has begun, I am learning to be me again.

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My Cracked Mirrored Pane is a collection of verses into who I had become. I guess I was always very introverted, even when i was very young, preferring the company of the written world.

I could always see who I was, but through the process of my Counselling Diploma I became aware of how ridged in my self reflection & self protection that I had become… I preferred to stay blanketed rather than showing others the real & true me. 

People have the ability to gain a draw upon a misconception of people, their thoughts, behaviours, expressions and even the interpretations of another persons stories… it is after all human nature for us to question and build upon our life’s lessons and therefore our transcript into the world that is us.

For me My Cracked Mirrored Pane governs me to who I am.
I was never going to be a conformist to the ways of others wants, I was always going to be an individual and knew that this may lead me to a world where I had to become my own best friend. If I could go back and “do it all again” I don’t for one moment feel that my paths history would change me – for as hard as being so introverted is… loneliness may come and go, and at times knock even louder at the door but in reflection when all is said and done…

What My writing says here is that “I AM CONTENT IN WHO I AM” no matter what others think or feel about m and no matter what the reflection of my cracked mirrored pane may show me.

Written By
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #60 – “My Words Of Scribe”

I am happily sharing with you a few of my self written pieces of written works that I have written over he years… celebrations of who I am & written pieces that show you who it is that I am.

I am hoping that through my written works that you will get a look into who it is that I am.

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My Words Of Scribe
I scribe my words;
Of thought of fear,
I scribe my words of;
Of hurt and tears,
I scribe my words;
Of thoughts of remembrance,
I scribe my words;
Of Love and heartbreak.
My words of scribe;
Will one day tell one or more,
That I was once here.

Written By
Tanya Kelly

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The Colours In Our Life

Like the colours on this page;
You fill my life with many special spectrums.
Red is for the colour in my cheeks,
That the words I love you bring to my face.
The colour blue is for the tears in my eyes,
That you take away with a loving hug.
Green is for the garden,
Where we have made our home.
The colour pink is the blood;
Running through our veins.
The swirls are for the turbulent times;
That you and I will pass on through.
Each of our spectrum colours mix with black and orange;
Symbolising the busy little bees,
That we always seem to bee.
We you and I;
Are like a rainbow,
We show our many colours,
Through the love that we have for each other.

Written By
Tanya Kelly

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Written By
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

© Copyrighted By Tanya Kelly. 2018. All Contents Of This Blog Including But Not Limited To; Poetry, Graphics, Photo’s Are Copyrighted. None Of It’s Contents Or Part Thereof Maybe Used Without Prior
Permissions.

Day #58 – ” For My Inner Soul… “

Below is a poem that I started to writing in the wee hours of one of last weeks mornings…. Today I sat down and thought of how to end it… I wasn’t at all feeling down or blue, I just wrote the words that flew out of my mind…. that came easy but now that I look at them I can see that they paint a picture of moody loneliness… I think that the hours of the wee morning was the very thing that brought out my words….

” For My Inner Soul… ” is a poem that reflects the deepest and strongest pain there is known to man… Deeply embedded soul taunting pain… The sort of pain that is very hard to forget and even harder to forget.

Each of us has at some time or will at some time come to a darkened place that no other can reach… This place will be so dark that it will seem that there is no darker place to fall but hell itself.

Whether the infliction of such pain is from heartbreaking loss of a loved one or a breakup or even a snap moment conflict of a friendship at its end… There are so many life experiences that can and will bring forth such pain, each of us will go through this… But none of us the same.

The lonesome clock ticks will ring truly loud.. Days will go on forever… The soul will seem dark… And whilst the days will keep at bay the heart for a while… The darkness won’t last forever… The sun is sure to shine once more, it is important for the grief and loss of any traumatic time to be given the time for grief and the rebuild.

Some people will come through and seem unsaved. Others will wear band-aids and the scares may slowly heal… For others the wounds will be deep… and mind the will appear lost… Only time itself can and will heal the heart filled pain.

“My Inner Soul” is a poem that teaches us how our own heart, mind and soul and body as a whole encircle what is hurting and works to comfort and repair the damage within.

In my poem “My Inner Soul the heart, arms and mind become the strength that holds tight to the inner soul… comforting the inner soul out of its darkened place and into the symbolic sunshine that is to be tomorrow’s brighter days & less stormy waters.

These brighter days and less stormy waters serve to strengthen us… We will not see soulful hurt as a lesson till we have had time to reflect on the darkened moments that pushed our backs to the wall.

If by chance we are able to pick ourselves up and move on it is the person and the traumatic event that depicts how long the inner pain will last. There is a chance of course that a person may harbour the feelings associated far beyond the initial dark filled heartbreaking moment, there is also a possibility that these such wounds will stay open and stay roar… Time can never be factored into the recovery time… We are all different and there is no way that a person can predict a time factor for the recovery of a wounded soul.

If a person is lucky to have the comfort of loved ones to lean on then boundaries and expectations of the recovery period may become broken due to the intensity felt by the person going through their traumatised moment… Patience, understanding and an unconditional ear are where a person should find themselves… It is with the hope that the traumatised soul does not mistreat the very strength that encircles it.

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Here we are with our backs to the wall…
We are worn out
And have been torn down…
Far beyond the floor we sit on
My inner soul
Can you feel me?
I know you’re there … I’m your beating heart.

I find you sitting alone in the darkest place
Full of contemplation and regretful rage
Flowing tears fill the swollen embankments of our eyes
Angry, hurt and feeling misunderstood
You; my inner soul you are a shadow of our former self.

Reflections of guilt and clout cloud our mind
Memories of yesterday
And what could have been
Tireless times and in rewind it seems
Our memories and regrets
Play over and over in our mind
For what our mind replays
Our heart can not forget

Our struggles are plenty
And our pain is great
Those stormy waters keep us in constant fight
With flooding tears and swollen eyes
You no longer see anything
Other than our inner grief
But I see us there
Cradled there in that darkened place
I hear you now
My lonesome soul, I hear your plight
I see you there, you are in there alright

Feel me now as our heart beats strong
Tiredness may overwhelm your will to fight
But dearest inner soul hang on tight

Breathing now
I see your smile
Below your tears
You no longer frown
Close your eyes
Deep breath now…
Go on breathe and breathe again
In and out, out and in
Listening now as we breathe again
We will soon surpass our stormy times

Let us stand
Stand tall we must
Postured shoulders are strengthening now
Relax those arms that comfort our woes
Let sleep become you
Rest our mind
Tomorrow is breaking
The dawn is near

I know we have been tested and beaten down
And even though we are taunted
We are nevertheless strong
For our inner strength held us tight
Day breaks here
And sleep is calling
Our tired arms and weakened mind
Will in hours awaken
The sun will be shining and you will see
That through the rubble of our darkened place
There you are standing and standing tall
Caressing our self-reflection
We will be whole once more.

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This poem is a poem that reflects the deepest and strongest pain there is known to man… Deeply embedded soul taunting pain… The sort of pain that is very hard to forget and even harder to forget.

Each of us has at some time or will at some time come to a darkened place that no other can reach… This place will be so dark that it will seem that there is no darker place to fall but hell itself.

Whether the infliction of such pain is from heartbreaking loss of a loved one or a breakup or even a snap moment conflict of a friendship at its end… There are so many life experiences that can and will bring forth such pain, each of us will go through this… But none of us the same.

The lonesome clock ticks will ring truly loud.. Days will go on forever… The soul will seem dark… And whilst the days will keep at bay the heart for a while… The darkness won’t last forever… The sun is sure to shine once more, it is important for the grief and loss of any traumatic time to be given the time for grief and the rebuild.
Some people will come through and seem unsaved. Others will wear band-aids and the scares may slowly heal… For others the wounds will be deep… and mind the will appear lost… Only time itself can and will heal the heart filled pain.

“My Inner Soul” is a poem that teaches us how our own heart, mind and soul and body as a whole encircle what is hurting and works to comfort and repair the damage within.

In my poem “My Inner Soul the heart, arms and mind become the strength that holds tight to the inner soul… comforting the inner soul out of its darkened place and into the symbolic sunshine that is to be tomorrow’s brighter days & less stormy waters.

These brighter days and less stormy waters serve to strengthen us… We will not see soulful hurt as a lesson till we have had time to reflect on the darkened moments that pushed our backs to the wall.

If by chance we are able to pick ourselves up and move on it is the person and the traumatic event that depicts how long the inner pain will last. There is a chance of course that a person may harbour the feelings associated far beyond the initial dark filled heartbreaking moment, there is also a possibility that these such wounds will stay open and stay roar… Time can never be factored into the recovery time… We are all different and there is no way that a person can predict a time factor for the recovery of a wounded soul.

If a person is lucky to have the comfort of loved ones to lean on then boundaries and expectations of the recovery period may become broken due to the intensity felt by the person going through their traumatised moment… Patience, understanding and an unconditional ear are where a person should find themselves… It is with the hope that the traumatised soul does not mistreat the very strength that encircles it.

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Written By
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #55 – Word Of The Day “Querencia”

I was just this week reading through a few of my written pieces and came across the following piece that I wrote way back in November last year…. I think this piece was written when I was looking for myself in my own stagnated world…. what a difference a year makes hey!

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So the word of the day is “Querencia”

The meaning of “Querencia” is a place you always can come back to, the place you are safe, your home.

Today’s written pictured quotes writing writes – a place from which one’s strength is drawn, where one feels at home; the place where you are your most authentic self.

Reference – https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Querencia

In English, querencia means to be safe, but in Spanish querencia is a metaphysical concept in the Spanish language, querencia means to haunt somebody in Spanish i.e. in bullfighting, a bull may stake out his querencia, a certain part of the bullring where he feels strong and safe.

Ernest Hemingway’s 1932 nonfiction book Death in the Afternoon describes the querencia in this context: a querencia is a place the bull naturally wants to go to in the ring, a preferred locality… It is a place which develops in the course of the fight where the bull makes his home. It does not usually show at once but develops in his brain as the fight goes on. In this place he feels that he has his back against the wall and in his querencia, he is inestimably more dangerous and almost impossible to kill.

— Ernest Hemingway, Death in the Afternoon

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Querencia… I think that I have spent my lifetime walking around in my own life’s path looking for a place where my wants and likes to share the same importance as my dislikes and grievances do.

I have spent many years inside my mind looking for a place where I unconditionally belong… by unconditionally belong I mean “without having to consider the thoughts and feelings of others in my daily to-do list.”

Some days are so frustrating for me and my headspace; that even a simple conversation can turn into a verbal moment that often ends in a backhanded conversation that has me hearing that I am being demanding or self-conceited in my wants… at times conversations like this have led me to hear that I am also lazy towards getting my own wants… expecting others to serve my needs and wants.

So in the journey of my life, I have sort the very “Querencia” the place that I can go to, the place that I am safe, the place that I can call home. What is home to me? A calming place with no external judgements… no conversation that points out what part of my today’s to do list did I actually get done. A place where acceptance is not sort and judgement is not passed.

“Querencia” is my life’s need… sometimes I feel like an invisible, a somebody living in a world of many others who never truly hear or see me…. at other times I feel as though I am that necessary evil, the go-to person, the person who everyone turns to in their times of need… not necessarily invisible but certainly pulled in any way to invested (either willingly or out of loyalty and relationship connectedness) into the lives of others.

I love doing what it is that I do others, but sometimes I feel that my giving is on a one-way street to nowhere…. will my feelings and thoughts sway me away from being who I am to others… mmmm NOPE!! – call me a sucker for punishment, but I am who I am… My personal struggles with how I feel & how it is that I am seen by others is just that… personal and my view.

The way I am treated or seen by people does not take away the helping hand that hold out and stand in weight hold in an outstretched gesture…..

Most of the times I can get past the feelings that I internalise from the words and expectations of others and at other times the overflow into my minds here and now overflows into my attitudes holding yard… and what shows up in the place of my outstretched hand of giving is a traveling stone of rolling resentment and displacement….

Most of the time I am able to take a few days of solitude or minimal contact with others and alter my own attitude by keeping my mind busy on other areas if focus… but then there are other times when my attitude shakes it’s self-free and has an insatiable need to just run away….

At this very moment I have the biggest need to dig my heels in… spin some rubber… and burn away at my paved road beneath me… I’m feeling slightly overwhelmed and pushed into a place in my mind that has me screaming for a breath of fresh air…

“Querencia” my go-to place… the place where I am at ease… a place that I feel safe in, and the place that I call home…. is currently living a virtual existence in my mind… someday my “Querencia” will have a real existence and an address of its own.

So there it is… my today’s daily writing  “Word Of The Day – Querencia…” meaning a place you always can come back to, the place you are safe, your home. “Someday but not today Querencia will be mine.”

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So what has changed in the year since I wrote this piece on and about the word

“Querencia” and what it is & means to me.. well I have been working hard at finding my own centre, learning the selfless act of finding my own space, my own calmness and my place where I can happily exist and belong…

I have always known that my happy place is in my writing mind; I have known that in my toughest of writing days that writing for me is the world that serves me in becoming the me that exists in my happy scribbling’s..

“Querencia” for me is my writing; the place that I feel safe, my sanctuary.. my minds home… the place where strength is drawn, where I feel that can be the best me that I can be; my writing is the very place that I feel I am my most authentic self.

” What A Difference A Year Makes “

Written & Referenced Where Applicable By
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #54 – Footsteps Of Life

Those who want to change themselves and the story of who they are
For both their now selves and the tomorrow’s person that they want to become
Will place their life plans into the pathways of tomorrow’s winded jet stream
And they will learn to captain themselves in becoming who they want to be.Those who don’t want change persist with the excuses that work against them & become The anchor of their life’s hang ups.
They will become held up by their unwillingness to try
Becoming forever stuck in the revolving doors of their life’s unseen plans
And the regrets of plans made but never seen.

Personally my journey is to see myself through to the clearing
Of the deepest parts of my minds thoughts.
Only the Lord knows If I have the inner braveness & the inner strength
That will see to the clearing in me that I want to see.
A well trodden path where plenty has been done and seen.

But the one thing I know is that I will never know if I will succeed
If I don’t at first
Pick up my feet and give my journey a footstep forward to begin with.

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Choices that we take in life are very much like footsteps in the sand, maybe those footsteps are hard to treed for nothing in life worth having is ever easy.

Sometimes we sink into the days that our lives have us living
& on other days we may take a wrong turn and see life through a different perspective
There will certainly be times
When the sand under our feet moves and makes our journey a hard one
& maybe those same sand will become
The footing that we will place our life’s footings into.

There is no guarantee’s to life,
Life offers nothing more than a journey to be had
One foot in front of the other,
One grain of sand at a time.

Written & Reference Where Applicable By
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #53 – “Heal The World With Knowledge & Education – & Make It A Better Place

There are many quotes that I have read & collected over the years that have helped to sum up my life’s path and the learnings that I pass onto others. Todays daily writing is dedicated to “Thomas Woodrow Wilson.”

‘ (Thomas Woodrow Wilson was the 28th President of the United States from 1913 – 1921) ‘
**Please Note: that this daily blog post was meant to be a written piece about Thomas Woodrow Wilson’s famous quote, this was not intended to be a political piece… but in writing my thoughts I thought I gave note to the good that he became famous for but didn’t show his for the negative values in his beliefs. “No Offense Intended.”

Thomas Woodrow Wilson Wrote:

“You are not here merely to prepare to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand.”

Reference – www.biography.com/people/woodrow-wilson-9534272

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What Thomas Woodrow Wilson says here to me is that my vision for my path in this world is for me to move ahead in my life without comparison to any other persons achievements; being the best person that I can be in my own here and now.

Being proud of who I am and stand strong in my values, morals & convictions, enriching my own life’s spirit and in return gaining and living a life with a deep desire to love without fear or conjecture of the people around me, growing within myself; one day at a time, expecting and accepting nothing more than me being 100% true in all that I do.

I feel that What Thomas Woodrow Wilson is also saying is that me lessen our selves & our abilities if we strive to be anything other than the best person that we can be; both for ourselves and in the service of others.

what he says in his opening line is this “You are not here merely to prepare to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply” – what he is saying is that in order for the world to live in a more plentiful and sufficed environment we much gain knowledge, new skills, striving forth in the giving and teaching of others both in mateship and in the education of others.

It is indeed our path in life to enrich the world with our questionings our knowledge and our learnings, growing our days world so that tomorrows world can grow and continue in the development of new technology, new understanding, and far greater development in knowledge and understandings, pushing the world and our societies in greatness for tomorrow’s future.

Thomas Woodrow Wilson lived up to his famous quote “You are not here merely to prepare to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand ”  It was very that was a man who worked hard and strove hard to live up to his own famous words.

Thomas Woodrow Wilson wanted the world to be a better place and in doing so the following things were just a few of his accomplishments;

In August 1920, the 19th Amendment became law and with this law American women gained the right to vote. (The 19th amendment gives men and women of the United States Of America equal voting rights. The amendment states that the right of citizens to vote “shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex”).

Thomas Woodrow Wilson was an advocate for democracy and world peace, whilst he was the 28th President he led a campaign “Keep Us Out Of The War” – he that tried to keep the USA out of the world war. In the end the USA went to war because Thomas Woodrow believed that “The World Must Be Made For Sae Democracy.” At the ending of  President Woodrow Wilson helped to negotiate a peace treaty that included a plan for the League of Nations (a group of countries that would help to negotiate disputes and help to keep peace in the world) after World War 1 & In 1919 he was awarded a Nobel Peace Price for his efforts in and for the League Of Nations.

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In many ways I think that the 28th President of the United States Of America was one of last real political gentlemen but his well know racial behaviours towards black people and migrants was his worst worldly written trait… “For all his talk of even handedness,” Berg writes, “Wilson did not consider the races fundamentally equal, and he had no intention of equalizing them under the law.” – historically written by A. Scott Berg.

I Liked The 28th President – Thomas Woodrow Wilson for his famous quote “You are not here merely to prepare to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand.”

Thomas Woodrow Wilson drives my way into helping others in learning what they can to better themselves and those around them, he has shown me through his words that the world needs us all as individuals to work as a unified group… pushing forth against the people who hold as at arm’s length from world peace, but for all the good that he did… his judgements and racial tones became the very undoing of his outward appearance of being known as having one view but acting out another. He was known for looking like a buttoned-up, moralistic and rigid preacher’s son.

I think it’s sad that a man who did so much good for our world and for who own country was a man of his own judgemental views, views that kept the division rather than giving the unity to the very people of whom he served.

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Michael Jackson is an author of music who advocates the very messages relayed in
Thomas Woodrow Wilson’s famous quote “You are not here merely to prepare to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand.”

” Heal The World ”
By Michael Jackson

Reference – Watch “Heal The World Video Here”

There’s a place in your heart
And I know that it is love
And this place could be much
Brighter than tomorrow
And if you really try
You’ll find there’s no need to cry
In this place you’ll feel
There’s no hurt or sorrow

There are ways to get there
If you care enough for the living
Make a little space
Make a better place

Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me
And the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough for the living
Make it a better place
For you and for me

If you want to know why
There’s love that cannot lie
Love is strong
It only cares of joyful giving
If we try we shall see
In this bliss we cannot feel
Fear of dread
We stop existing and start living

The it feels that always
Love’s enough for us growing
So make a better world
Make a better place

Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me
And the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough for the living
Make a better place for you and for me

And the dream we were conceived in
Will reveal a joyful face
And the world we once believed in
Will shine again in grace
Then why do we keep strangling life
Wound this earth, crucify its soul
Though it’s plain to see
This world is heavenly
Be god’s glow

We could fly so high
Let our spirits never die
In my heart I feel you are all my brothers
Create a world with no fear
Together we cry happy tears
See the nations turn their swords into plow shares

We could really get there
If you cared enough for the living
Make a little space
To make a better place

Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me
And the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough for the living
Make a better place for you and for me

There are people dying
If you care enough for the living
Make a better place for you and for me

You and for me

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Heal the World was published in 1991. Heal the World foundation was founded by Michael Jackson in 1991 to help disadvantage people.

The song was written to promote awareness to children that needed help, like children living in war zones. Heal the World is that we can all do something to make the world better. For example, helping the poor people. Making the world more peaceful and happy. Literary Device. The main literary devices used in the song are personification and metaphor. These literary devices used help create a closer bond to people and emphasis the message of helping people.

Reference – https://prezi.com/1oqtpog17iwb/song-analysis-heal-the-world-michael-jackson

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Written & Reference Where Applicable By
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #52 – Gratitude To Someone Who Is Not Invisible But Will Go Unnamed

Ok Guys Here Is  A Rarity For Me
A Small Written & Heart Felt Note Of Thanks & Appreciation
For Someone Who Will Remain Nameless
For I Am Sure He/She Will Know Who This Note Is For.

Sometimes Even The Strongest Of People
Need A Moment Of Clarity
& A Gentle Nudge In To Clear Out The Volume Of Debris
That Comes Through Our Lives
& Stands In Our Way
Of Us Being Truly Us.

For Me This Person Who Will Remain Nameless;
& No This Unnamed Person Certainly Isn’t Me…
I Will Today Play Gratitude To
Because He/She Was The Shove In The Shoulder
That I this Week
Needed He/She To Be…

You Put Me Back On Track
& Listened To My Moment Of Wows & Weakness…..
You Sorted Me Out
& Slapped My A$$ Back Into Reality
But I Am Sorry For This Short Lived Moment…
For I Am Going Back To Being Me !

For “Nameless”
Forever In Your Gratitude

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #51 – I Am Me! No Apologies This Is Who I Am

There are so many things that I could write about.. & there are even more things that I could write & tell you about myself… but my self-written following verse will help to sum me up !

We all have to dare to be ourselves;
No matter how frightening the fear of being so is.
Let Me Tell You About Myself…

There was a time when I cared for how others thought & perceived me…
I cared so deeply about the thoughts and thinking’s of others;
That I would question myself in the reflection of my mirrored self.
I used to think that the perception that others had of me was somewhat questionable,
I questioned their perception of me
I questioned people
And I questioned  them loudly
& I wondered if they had ever taken the time
To actually  see me for all of whom I am…

I may at times be raw & blunt
But I have learned to stand tall in the beam of light that is me…
Shinning outwards my strengths and commitment to staying true to;
Myself built moral and obligations that I hold myself to
I have had to learn that those who walk with me, walk with the greatest of intentions…
& that they walk with me; not because they can but because they wish to.

I have also had to learn that those who judge me and question my authentic self
Are well in their own right to have their own made up option &
But more importantly I have had to learn
That their actions & opinions shouldn’t matter to me.

I am raw,
& I stand in true conviction of myself…
I am the truest form of myself that I can be
For myself & for all that I believe in
I am true and today I write these words with no hesitation and no apologies.

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Within the words of the song This Is Me
By Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Ensemble
Reference – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEJd2RyGm8Q

“This Is Me”

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are

But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that’s what we’ve become (yeah, that’s what we’ve become)

I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
This is me

and I know that I deserve your love
(Oh-oh-oh-oh) ’cause there’s nothing I’m not worthy of
(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is proof
This is who I’m meant to be, this is me

Look out ’cause here I come (look out ’cause here I come)
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I’m gonna send a flood
Gonna drown them out
Oh
This is me

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My Interpretation Of “This Is Me”

I’m not a stranger to the verbal words spoken behind my turned back
I see the finger-pointing
& I feel the stabbing pains that dig me deep within my heart
Pushing me to my breaking pointing
Expecting me to run
Run as far as it takes where no one can see me
All because they say its fun
To pull away at my inner workings
To see how I tick and toc

They want to see me hurt
They want to feel my need
All so that they can say that they were the ones who saved me!

I walk alone in my own stained glass tears
Pushing forward with all that wills me
Through the barricades of people who hold me back
& onto the footpath that I have built for me
And when the darted words make my life unbearable
I choose to walk tall vowing that my tears will never fall.

Silent moments and a flood of tears
Away from watching eyes and cheers of laughter
Silence becomes my comforter
As my legs raise me to where I am ok again.

I am not scared to have to have an opinion
& I am not scared to make it known
& whilst I certainly do not walk without fear
I am comforted by my guiding morals and values
I make no apologies,
I welcome my strength and know that this is who is me.
And when their words
Try to bend and break my resolve
I put on my brave face
& walk proudly on.

I am me
I am unique
I am the best me that I can be.
No hesitations
No apologies
& certainly no damn sorry’s
For I am being who it is that I was meant to be.

Written By
Tanya Kelly

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I Have in myself the everything that I hoped that I would find in others; I am & have trust in myself… I am resilient & self-reliant…

I am full of self-confidence, and I have grown inner self-worth… my independence is my strength… highly reliable and unwavering to the lessons that others try to pass at me.

I am the honesty and the warrior that I seek in others… I am me and I am raw…

I will forever stand in true conviction of myself…
I am the truest form of myself that I can be
For myself & for all that I believe in
I am true and today I write these words with no hesitation and no apologies.

Today’s blog post is my 100th time over; written testament to me.
Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #50 – ” It’s Not The Skills Or The Layers That You Have, Its The Attitude That You Have That Helps You To Survive “

Today’s daily blog post came to me late last night when I was watching a re-run episode of Naked & Afraid on tv.

The episode that I will be referencing is season 1 episode 6… a quote was said at the end of the show by one of the participants of the show (Ky Furneaux) after her and her partner (Billy Berger) successfully completed their 21 days in the Louisiana swamp.

Reference – https://two-movies.name/watch_episode/Naked_and_Afraid/1/6/

Billy Berger and Ky Furneaux are dropped in it up to their necks as they have to survive 21 days in the Louisiana swamp. They are washed out of their shelter by storms and have to tackle deadly snakes at every moment while avoiding the hungry alligators.

In the episode of naked and afraid… Billy spends his time in his shelter… having a hard time with the always wet and swamp conditions… Ky gets concerned about Billy’s state of mind when he talks about how the conditions of the camp are unfavourable and are making him miserable.

Billy says to Ky on day 14 that if he and Ky don’t find other accommodation that he cannot stay … Ky reluctantly says “w e started together we will finish together “ and agrees to find another place where they can build a camp for the last 7 days of their 21 days stay in the Louisiana swamp.

Even after packing up camp and trudging through the swamplands of Louisiana Billy continues to see the negative in the swamps lands… his demoralising attitude starts to wear Ky down & she begins to question if moving camp was the right decision… even when Ky spots land both her and Billy aren’t sure that what they see is land…

Ky keeps Billy level-headed and focused throughout their episode of naked and afraid…. she was determined that they as partners would conquer their 21-day challenge and that they would stay together… no tapping out!

At the end of Billy & Ky’s episode of naked and afraid Ky says the following quote “ we started together we will finish together “ Ky’s spoken quote got me thinking and gave me my ah ha moment to today’s daily blog post.

I know that she was talking about her strength and determination of keeping Billy focused on conquering the Louisiana swamplands and his mindset that was forcing him to question himself and his mindset… but I feel Ky’s quote resonated with yesterdays daily submission titled “This Is Who I Am” – a daily submission where I talk about me and my inner self as if it was just as an onion is multi-layered and protective of its core.

I very much believe that she was talking about her determination to keep Billy from tapping out… using her inner strength to give Billy the perseverance to keep going… it was important to Ky to have her and Billy start and finish together in their Louisiana swamp challenge… Ky showed remarkable strength and aptitude in being the backbone that both she and Billy needed her to be in order for them to be at the finish line together.

As said by Ky….“It’s not the skills or the layers that you have, its the attitude that you have that helps you to survive”

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In life there are so many hurdles and uneven terrains that work against us in our life’s journey… these hurdles and terrains ate ready to trip us up at any moment of our unpredictable journey through life.

Like I wrote in yesterdays daily writing “My outer self is a husk… the toughest part of me that I use in protecting my inner ingredients from being bruised or spoiled by the hurt and words of other peoples actions.

I also wrote in my yesterday ‘s daily writings a few words that came to through the song “This Is Who I Am by Vanessa Amorosi “ the following mantra that I stand tall too in my life “ In the strength of standing alone, I have given myself the permission that I need to be ok with who I am, unwavering in my convictions, my morals and my values.”

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I like Ky believe that it takes a lot of inner strength and unmatched attitude to get us through the toughest challenges of our days…. being able to pull ourselves out of the ungiving swamp pulling ourselves onto flat land where the sun is shining and trees give us the air that we require to breathe and to revive ourselves as well as the shelter we need to rest our weary bodies and minds at the base of their strength. Ky helped Billy to stay mentally and physically switch on and in the moment, helping him to get through each day as it came… giving him the ability to see the finish line at the end of their final 7days of their 21 Louisiana swamp challenge.

Throughout many occasions in my life, I have had to dig deep and push way past the point of my own giving up… I have also been challenged with the task of carrying people in the wake of my strength who have given into their own challenges.. they have been beaten down and lost their strength and motivation to keep moving forward…

Carrying oneself through the swamplands of life is a task that often leaves us wondering how and why we keep finding the extra mile that serves to keep us upright and pushing forward… but it takes a great sense of self to help another along the way.

People and their baggage is notoriously heavy and often a burden to the workload and strength of others, but when a person in need comes into a tide that they can no longer struggle against it is human nature, mateship, empowered and a strength that comes deep within ones core that finds that inner strength and moral backbone to help another who is in need.

Having a strong mindset and empowering strength that enables me to be able to help others or to carry them through their toughest days are certainly not the easiest of human qualities to process…. putting other people and their needs above my own can at times leave me feeling empty of energy and at times I feel the ungrateful attitudes of others… its times like these that I wonder why I am like I am… why do I not just look after myself and my own self’s welfare…? Well, the best answer that I can muster up here is this… when I find myself trudging through the swamp… I am weighed down by the water and the unknown debris in the water… but if I was to turn and see another way behind me pushing hard to find the strength to take one more step… I know in my heart, mind and soul that I must turn back and lend my strength to them…

I see it this way… whilst I may be struggling to complete my journey, I still have reserved strength in me that allows me to turn and see another person struggling… so instead of wasting that energy in continually turning around to see the distance in our divide, I choose to turn that strength into a hand that I lend to others.

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Recently in this being 2018, the Commonwealth Games were held in Queensland’s Gold Coast Australia… I was watching the Men’s gruelling 42.195km road race that was taking place in 30 degrees plus weather… I am not big on sports myself… but I like to watch the Commonwealth and Olympic Games on the tv.

I sat and questioned how the race was being allowed to continue in the Australian heat that was relentless in its heat.

Athletes train and give up on everything in their lives to participate as an athlete in competitive competitions at the Commonwealth and Olympic level…

I was watching as the road race was coming to an end… I saw many competitors end their own race with a did not finish rather than pushing on through the unbearable Australian heat.

I watched as Scotland’s athlete Callum Hawkins struggled to keep himself hydrated, upright and pushing forward… his disorientation was very evident… you could see that he was stumbling to the finish line… and then he collapsed… showing much strength he picked himself up and stumbled on through his race… his strength was wavering and finally he collapsed and he was unable to right himself again… I watch and watched as I waited for someone to come to his aid (I know if I was on the roadside I would have jumped the barrier and handed him my water)…

I watched as I am sure thousands of people did as Aussie Michael Shelley came into view… and I prayed that he would do what Australians are known for doing “ Stand By Yah Mate”… I felt for him and the choice he was confronted with… he had run a race and came into second after the gruelling weather took runner after runner out of the race…

I felt for Michael Shelley….he had done his training, given up all to be there & now to think that he had to choose between “The Australian Mate Ship Way” & a Commonwealth Gold Medal… I watched as I saw him conflicting with his morals … I also encouraged him to know that he was almost home, in first place and the gold was his… keep going .. keep going… stop and carry that man to the finish line… share your empowerment share the finish line…

Michael Shelley slowed to make sure that Callum Hawkins was ok but chose to keep running… you could hear the negative comments breeding as I watch take back to the road.

Michael Shelley is now known as a disgrace in the eyes of many people who feel that he left a Callum Hawkins crumpled on the road… but the truth be told… Michael had the right to finish and it should have been the support staff and the organisers of the race that should have cone to Callum Hawkins ‘s side and it should have also been then to encourage Michael Shelley to keep going.

I write about the Commonwealth Games running marathon – Callum Hawkins & Michael Shelley – in today’s daily post because I want to share what I would have done if I found myself in the same morally driven choice that Michael found himself in.

If I was in this moral dilemma… I know that I would have stopped… I would have done my utmost best to carry Callum to the finish line… I would certainly have been screaming for someone to come to lend a hand… I am a person who chooses to be the Australian Who Stands By Their Mate, Their Enemy, & Anyone In Need.”

Like I said throughout this written daily submission… having a strong mindset and empowering strength that enables me to be able to help others or to carry them through their toughest days are certainly not the easiest of human qualities to process…. putting other people and their needs above my own can at times leave me feeling empty… sometimes like Michael I am not the one who empty’s me…& it’s more often than not the people looking into my need to help others out that empty me with their words, opinions, criticisms and opinionated words as well as their ungiving hands that weigh me down; leaving me angry and empty.

I am by no means an athlete or deserving of a gold medal in a 42km plus road race… but I am a morally driven who has a great deal of self-integrity. I am a self-appointed giver to people who come into a time when they need someone to be there… to help them back onto their feet.. or to give them strength, a helping hand and empowerment to see the finish line in whatever they are doing.”

Michael did what he did to keep his own mental awareness with him… he stated in an interview “On the home straight, as you can see, I tried to accelerate but I was gone as well. I’m glad to finish, to be honest”…. he deserves his win… he deserved to finish the gruelling marathon… he deserves his accomplishment but he certainly doesn’t deserve to be the disgrace of the nation or the Commonwealth Games….. sheer willpower kept Michael upright… he pushed through his legs wanting to collapse… it could have very well of been him collapsed on the road. Michael isn’t the nation’s disgrace he is a winner of overwhelming willpower and self-empowerment.

Ky also gave Billie the same empowerment and together they both conquered their 21 days stay in the Louisiana swamp. Ky was a pillar of strength that saw her stand tall to her morals, and she believed in herself enough to carry both her and Billy to the Louisiana swamp… one person’s determination to help out her fellow man.

Empowerment and self sacrifice is what many humans do in order to help their fellow man out…. whether we help our friends out to cross the finish line, or stop running our race through life to check if our fellow man are ok… the spirit of a person’s empowerment and giving hand is always worn on the sleeves of the people that choose to help others out.

Today’s daily blog post was all about the human spirit and empowerment that we all own and possess… the lending a hand attitude to those in need.

So that’s my today’s daily blog post.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #49 – Layers Of Me

Today’s daily writing is yet another written pictured quote that reflects on me as a person… summing me and my inner character up in a few hundred words… revealing a little about me and the person that I am.

Over the past few months, there has been much revealed about me in my many written daily entries.

Over the years it has been told to me (just as much as it has been talked about) that I am a pretty closed book and keep things about my inner self away from the prying ears and thoughts of others. I have also been told that I choose when and who I want to open to, going onto say that even after I have opened up that no one person truly knows who I am. Yeah well maybe there is some truth in what is written here… but there is always a reason for why I choose there who and what; the answer is simply this… self protection is everything to me, allowing others know to much opens me up to vulnerability and open scrutinisation…. It is true that I choose to keep the deeper parts of myself away from the prying ears and hands of many who have walked through my inner vines.

I do accept that I am very restrictive in what I do and do not share about myself… but in defence of this acknowledgement, I am not restrictive and or secretive by choice… I do very much believe that I do give people the permission to get to know me .. but I feel that if they choose to stay at a distance or at a basic understanding level of who I am… then I will not roll out the red carpet to the inner self of who I am.

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I do see myself as an onion in some ways… My comparison to an onion is this:-

My out self is a husk… toughest part of me protecting my inner ingredients from being bruised or spoiled by the hurt and words of other peoples actions.

The layer of me below that husk is a base to every recipe within me, this layer is the staple to knowing me… it offers a glimpse of me just as an onion adds flavour to dishes it’s added to.

This layer protects my inner self.. my inner core and is impossible to get to without undoing all the layers that protect it… if a person was to stab me or cut into me with the pain and hurt… my inner core would be shown… my protector- my husk would spoil the chance to get to know me and I would immediately become spoiled, or un-wanting for you to get to know me.

If I deemed you and your friendship worthy…I would certainly allow you to see me for me… seeing how I work and function and maybe even see me cry… but it takes years or monstrous effort for a person to see the everything that I am… me in my completely open and raw state.

There are very few who have been privileged to know the real me… rawness, flaws, uncovered, unprotected … me for all that I am.

For someone to truly penetrate my inner core… I spend days, weeks, months, years watching every reaction to every moment we share… seeking a fault line in the thing one hates in me… tempting fate with tests of your commitment to keeping yourself at my side… testing trust and sincerity in every word, action and glance that you make.

Once I am hurt or cute beyond repair… aquatinted once friends is the very least that one can expect… but once the hurt goes beyond pushing me to the floor … I always shut down and never again open my doors.

Sometimes a small flinch from another is all it takes for me to shut down… at other times; I try hard to hold on and put value in what myself and the person once had… choosing to stand and fight for the strength to reach out and reconnect… this level of my inner forgiveness seldom happens… but it certainly only happens once. I never forgive again beyond this point.

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The song that sums up today’s  daily blog post is “This Is Who I Am – By Vanessa Amorosi. Watch the “This Is Who I am”  Video Clip Here

“This Is Who I Am”

I spend my life, trying to do things right
but all I do is fall to my face with my hands on my head so many times
but then I learnt, after being burnt
to get back up and push straight on
stop the tears people move on, on

Well it’s alright to be myself
now I’ve learnt to stand
well it’s ok to be just who I am
I spent years really hating me
longing to be friends, now I hope that you can understand
This is who I am

Now when life gets tough
I’m quick to hurry up
I run all day, I run through the night
I break down walls, I hit up high
I don’t care if I’m fat, or if you think my clothes are bad
‘cos I can go to sleep at night, I’m a good person and I’ll get by

Well It’s alright to be myself
now I’ve learnt to stand
well it’s ok to be just who I am
I spent years really hating me
longing to be friends, now I hope that you can understand
This is who I am

Are you someone, are you someone, are you someone, someone like me
you deserve, you deserve, you deserve to be free
cause the world will keep spinning, and you’ll be trapped in it

Well it’s alright to be myself
now I’ve learnt to stand
well it’s ok to be just who I am
I’ve spent years really hating me
longing to be friends, now I hope that you can understand
This is who I am

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Like Vanessa’s lyrics, I too have spent my life, trying to do things right… taking much on myself.. failing the wants of others… putting my hands on my head so many times… I have learned the hard way & I have been burned too many times to remember….. but I always get back up … dusting myself off and pushing on … being the giving person who is me… resetting myself up .. with no time for tears… walking, stumbling and continue along my hard trekked road.

I have had to learn to be my own backbone

And I have certainly learned what standing alone feels like… learning the lesson many times over & the hard way.

In the strength of standing alone, I have given myself the permission that I need to be ok with who I am, unwavering in my convictions, my morals and my values.

In traveling through my life’s journey I haven’t always seen myself the way that I do today… not necessarily hating myself for my inner strength but certainly not understanding why it is that I did have to become so mentally strong… when it would have been so much easier to throw myself at the floor and scream what did I do? Why me…? What about me?

Longing for friendship with forever connectedness … and an undying unconditional acceptance is where I have forever found myself… I offer this to people who come through my onion gauntlet… undying & unconditional acceptance is the gifts of me that I bring to the table.

Once I have built this connection with another the bond becomes strong and unable to be entered by others… I take my friendships seriously and see them as I do the blood pumping through my veins… my oxygen driving force.. my lifeline… the ingredient that makes me me – not trapped by my arms wrapped tightly around our friendship.. but impregnated into the everything that I am.

I have learned to accept myself for my onion layers and my brutal strength… I make no apologies… for I am happy with who I am… I don’t ask others to understand me, I prefer that others do nothing more than to understand that we all have ingredients floating within us that come to make us us… I don’t expect them to be anything other than who they are so my only ask of them is that they accept that I am who I am… that they are are who they are… that we are each perfectly imperfect to us.

So there is my daily blog… an insight to me and how I see myself.

Till Tomorrow

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #48 – ″ Suddenly “

Todays daily blog post is based upon a song called “Suddenly – By Angry Anderson”

Here are the lyrics – (Watch The Video Clip Here)

I only dreamed that I would find
A loving heart, an open mind to see the real me
And I hoped that you would be the one

A chance to talk, a chance to grow
I’ll take the risk, let my feelings flow
I’ve found the words I need to say

Suddenly you’re seeing me just the way I am
Suddenly you’re hearing me
So I’m talking just as fast as I can to you
Suddenly every part of me needs to know every part of you

Now I know that you are mine
You bring me your love and peace of mind
You see the real me and I know that you’re the key

Suddenly you’re seeing me just the way I am
Suddenly you’re hearing me
So I’m talking just as fast as I can to you
Suddenly every part of me needs to know every part of you

Suddenly you’re seeing me just the way I am
Suddenly you’re hearing me
So I’m talking just as fast as I can to you

Suddenly, awkwardly
You’re all I want, all I need you to be
Suddenly every part of me needs to know every part of you
Just you, it’s you

---

My version of “Suddenly” came to light some years ago when first embarked upon my counselling journey… I promised myself that I wouldn’t go through my studies alone; I knew who the real me was… I knew that I preferred to go things alone… simply for the ease of doing so and to avoid the politics of communal groups, I have always done things on my own, most often than not I preferred to work alone but I made a deal with myself that I would find myself a study partner who I would occasionally converse with. A person who I could occasionally swap thoughts and ideas with.

A month into my counselling studies I met Tess… a Mum of 5 who was engaged to be married to the love of her life Corey. She was looking for a little bit if a guiding hand and also had the dislike for small minds and loudmouths in a small group overtaking and or taking on leadership roles that change the dynamics of a group as a whole and change the opinions of the individuals within the group situation.

We had an instant rapport, helping each other to understand the misguiding questions and the difference in our views.

Tess has children with Autism, they are lovely in every way…. but often they would get frustrated when they couldn’t get out what they wanted to say… of course our studies became secondary as we began to talk of our children and although I believe we all learn differently I feel that how we communicate is the very obstacle in our way. Children don’t want to be remarkable, they certainly don’t want to be left behind but some of our children they are left to find their way.

The song “Suddenly” began to play and I knew it was a thought to be had, the words were no sung so clearly as I stopped to hear them play, I heard a different tune and the words were no longer the same.

In my moment of thought I had to say to Tess, young Ella wants you to hear something, she has something worthwhile being said, as Tess sat and listened she told me that she too could hear the song suddenly your hearing me, being re-written… singing proudly… “oh Mumma I have something to say… and although you cannot always clearly hear me… and sometimes it takes a little more attention on your behalf to hear me… I know what I want to say… and Mr Anderson’s song is showing me the way.”

I believe deeply that children with disabilities such as autism are very capable of going through their day and through their lives with the greatest adaptive skills… they are certainly the 8th wonder of this world that keeps us as parents or even us as citizens of our world in wonderment of how beautiful our children and their innocent adaptive abilities truly are.

I believe that children who can not always find their way through the barriers of communication are saying the following to the very people who give them the gift of learning through different strengths: –

Here is a note “ Written Through The Eyes Of Ella For Her Mum Tess. ”
Ella may not have spoken these words but she spoke to me through her eyes and heart when sitting at her Mums computer as I spoke with her, I simply wrote out the words that she was screaming through her verballing queues; in hope that she would be heard. “Tess Later told me that they She & Ella Listened to Suddenly every night before bed… Ella singing the words in her own mumbledness.”

You only had one want;

And that was to see my smile…

I came into your life and lit up your world

Beautiful eyes looking back at you

I was your life and piece of joy.

But suddenly all wasn’t right;

What once was perfect,

A delicate beauty

And a gift from God;

Turned your blue eyes grey.

Your heart ached,

And I could feel you cry.

You looked at me and wondered why

How could the ground open up and crumble you down?

But surely you had to know

That your love wasn’t all in vain?

Some days passed like a whirlwind in the sky

The nights were dark

And the days were so bright.

Despite your questions dear Mumma

I continued to thrive…

The news came “I was not the same”

My limitations would set me aside…

The news was heartbreaking…

I would struggle to reach my milestones

And I would need

Extra help to get through school.

My dearest Mumma…

Again you cried out of fear for my tomorrow’s.

But Mumma there is a reason why you are mine

I was given to you to help you shine

You have a heart that’s open wide

Full of love and open arms

I became your teacher

A teacher of strength and perseverance

I was given to you

For you to teach and empower.

My dearest Mumma

Today I will grow my skills

And Tomorrow I will stand tall

In the eyes of my diversity

In the glory of my learnings

Grinning happily at those who once scoffed at me, applauding you, for your generosity,

For your open arms and the in your mind.

You will show your true self

Through your smile and resolve.

But until then my Mumma,

I beg of you to hear me…

I Will push through the negativity

And even harder through them closed minds.

I will stand in the gaps of them closing doors

Asking for nothing more but a chance to learn

I will show them, Mumma

Just you wait and see.

But my dearest Mummy…

It’s for you I yearn to show

How I will turn your heartfelt tears

Into tears of joy

When suddenly you will realise

That through your strength and empowerment

And all that I will have learned

That I will promise to dry up your tears

And light up your sky’s

You my Mumma

not only have you given me life

You, my mummy, have given me much more;

You have gifted me strength that will see me past the taunting and through the closing doors

But most importantly

My beautiful mum

You have taught me talk and have taught me words the words to push away the harsh criticisms.

For now at this moment

All I have to give

Is the promise of a brighter tomorrow;

And the promise that I will become all that I can

I will make you proud

Just wait and see!

Right now at this moment, I write you this message

Gratitude from my heart

Telling you that I am forever in your debt…

Thanks, Mumma for “suddenly hearing me… and excepting me for who I am

for loving me unconditionally…

For giving me the time that I needed to show you

That I am like all those other kids

I may have been made different

But someday I will make you proud.

Written For Tess
Through & From Her Daughter Ella

---

So after writing Ella’s letter to her Mumma Tess, 
A letter that Tess sat & read along side and out loud to Ella… I sat for sometime and reinterpreted Angry Anderson Song Suddenly.

I began to rewrite the lyrical words of “Suddenly. “Re-Interpreted for Ella & For “The Worlds Children Who Are Living With Difference – Striving Each Day To Be Heard, Crying Out For Someone To Hear Them – screaming as loud as they can
” I May Communicate & Act Differently But Inside I Have Much To Say “

Below is my interpretation of Angry Anderson’s Song Suddenly. A dedication to my Tasmanian friends and their special Daughter Ella.

Ella drew the tears out of me & gave my worldly problems a new perspective; showing me that through the innocent eyes of a child that she was able to light the way through her problems and bring forth a smile that would light up the world.

I only dreamed that I would find,

Mumma who’s love

Was built around an open mind

A Mumma with open arms and love abound

Full of strength to let me shine

And I am glad that you are my Mumma

And I am glad that It is you that I have found.

I know you get sad

And I know that you hurt hard

But give me the chance

To talk and walk… please let me run through your boundless time…

Letting me fly, letting me be free…

Mumma, Suddenly you are the one

Who see’s me just the way I am

I know you’re hearing me

And I am learning just as fast as I can

Just give me a chance

To spread my wings

I will show you

That I will thrive.

But until the day

That you see the best in me

Every part me; knows that you are loving me

You bring me contentment

And my strength to thrive.

You see the real me and I know that you’re the key,

You have switched me on and empowered me, Thrusting me forward

To be the best that I can be…

You are my backbone and you are my magic

Someday soon

I will be thanking you…

for your times of struggle

And for the many hours that you didn’t give up

I hope someday I hope that you will find

The strength to smile…

For someday soon you will see

That yesterday’s worries

Will be my blueprint for the future of my tomorrows.

Suddenly and someday Mumma

I will be all but grown

Today’s woes will be tomorrow’s wows

I will make you proud

I will make you smile

Thank you, Mumma,

For Suddenly showing me;

who I am and who can be.

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Dedicated To Ella & Her Mum Tess As well As All The Children Around The World Who Show Us Through Difference That We As Human Beings Have A Lot To Learn When Listening To A Children Who Can Not Communicate Like We Can…

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #47 – Plus 1 Day

I have loved you forever
Plus one day
I will love you for eternity
Way past the moon & further than you can see.
Our journey through the years
With you, I would gladly walk again
Memories and tribulations
Have both honoured us & made us strong
If forever was to end tomorrow
I would only regret
That I didn’t love you one day more.

Written & Owned By Me Many Years Ago

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com