The greatest thing in the world.”
In today’s daily blog submission I want to write about a new aspect of me that I have always been aware of; I have always known that my self-gratitude existed but I guess that I have never opened myself up to acknowledge it in an open spoken or written form.
There are many moments throughout my daily writings that I touch on the things about me that keep me going and the events of my life that have paved my path through my life, there are also some moments where I pay homage to aspects of my life, but I haven’t truly sat down and written about the things about me that give me self-gratitude.
Amongst the few things about me that I do not like about myself
- Hair falling out
- Heavy tired looking eyes/eye squint
- Heavy set body frame
- Dry Skin
- A few of my Multiple Sclerosis symptoms
- My moodiness
- My understanding yet ungiving attitude
(These things about me that I can either ignore or modify in order to make me more likeable to my own self).
So you think that I am being a little harsh or a little vein towards the things that I don’t like about myself …? Honestly, I don’t think its that I don’t like these things about myself; I just think that they are the very things about myself that I continuously make efforts on that at times seem as they work against me or take up so much of my time.
My hair started to fall out when I had Nichaalus in 2001, but although it never grew back to its fullest… my hair was more manageable and less heavy but certainly wasn’t patchy. The doctors back then just put it down to hormones after having a baby… & the possibility of my gallbladder troubles causing an imbalance in my body.
By the time I had Katijana my hair loss was no longer able to be ignored but I could still hide the patchiness from the questionable eyes of others. Then one day I was sitting at the nail salon and a simple question “what have you done to your hair, have you done something different?… I knew without question what was being seen and I knew that hiding my very patchy hair was no longer something that I could do… my hair used to be so thick and heavy and constantly needed to be thinned out… I, of course, felt devastated about my hair falling out.
My Multiple Sclerosis is, of course, is a huge hurdle in my life’s path that has caused me to alter the way I go around things:-
- I don’t drive as much as I used to (I get a little lost about this, and feel a little sheltered by others – whilst it is my decision not to drive as much as I used to, being asked constantly if I am capable “as if I would drive if I wasn’t feeling capable” statements like this just make me sit back and wonder what others see in me.
- My walking in an unbalanced ping-pong manner make me self-conscious and the querying eyes of others makes me feel that I am being judged and looked at differently.
- As part of my Multiple Sclerosis I have some major timing issues, things at times can take a greater amount of time to get done i.e. showering, getting dressed etc. Going out and doing simple things like shopping and filling up the car with fuel (I can still do) but find the struggles of walking to the fuel paying counter hard due to the floor texture changes and the shopping brings stresses that are unmeasurable… I can shop but struggle to walk and push the trolley, picking things that I need off the shelves can leave me dizzy, carrying bags is at times too heavy & loading up the car if I survive the shopping trip just leaves me exhausted.
- Another symptom of my Multiple Sclerosis is my dry skin… especially around my monthly cycle the vicious cycle of dry, hot, burning, itching skin in 3-4 place leaves me feeling as though I cannot expect Steve to want to be near me, if I use moisturiser every day I get either cold or oily and hate it because the moisturiser makes my body feel that is sweating but without the moisturiser I can go through the skin cycle written above.
- I guess the worst part of my Multiple Sclerosis is how isolated I can feel… sometimes I choose to not join in on outings to save other people from struggling with other people staring at me or having to wait for me to catch up or even having to push me in my chair…. but there is apart of my isolation that I do see from others… talking in quiet and silent voices, saying things like I didn’t think that you would want to go…. I guess people won’t admit to this and truly I don’t expect or want them to admit to doing this but I would much rather not see these isolating behaviours from others.
My Heavy Darkened Eyes
- My sister when we were kids used to call me a boggled eyed goldfish… this hurt a lot but I never showed her how much it hurt because it would have given her way to much power over my feelings.
- My eyes at times can make me appear to look tired… and although I am naturally cross-eyed in my left eye I am very capable of not showing that I am not cross-eyed. I live in my sunglasses so I don’t have to answer questions like are you cross-eyed? or what are you staring at? At this stage in my life I have perfect control over being cross-eyed, there are few people if any that actually are aware that I am cross-eyed.
- Most days I can hide my dark and heavy eyes by the use of my eye correction pen that helps with dark circles…. mix that up with makeup and mascara and I can often ignore my heavy darkened eyes. A good morning date with my cumber slices also helps.
- Being A Person With A Heavy Set Body Frame can at times be the cruellest of things, I am by no means insecure or disliking of my body but do feel that other people can be very harsh when it comes to the judgement of others… I am short. Yes, I could possibly lose a few pounds… Yes… but feeling that people feel that my Multiple Sclerosis is indicative of my weight is a tear-jerking moment for me… I certainly am not lazy and certainly do not expect more from people than I am willing to do for others… but people are very harsh, rude and very judgemental… whether it is human nature or not… my size and stature is not the reason for my Multiple Sclerosis.
- My understanding yet ungiving attitude, well it is no secret that I have an attitude and know how to use it, but what some people don’t realise is that my attitude is usually my self-defences coming to the surface… these self-defences serve me well; I am not ashamed to say that I have an attitude that can at time cone across to as others as be rude… I am not rude unless I have to be… I use my attitude to defend others… it is my formidable voice that I think others take note of and can’t quite see why I bother myself in the problems of other people… the answer is simple … If I feel that others are being backed into a wall either through bullying or through attacking I feel that these people need to feel that someone is on their side regardless of the reason for them being set on by others.
- I have been told so many time that my attitude can be a contradiction of who I am… on one hand my attitude is often used to defend myself and others from the attacking/bullying of others… and on the other hand my attitude can scare people away from getting to know who it is that I am; people often see my attitude as rude rather than me becoming being a person who is is headstrong and not willing to take shit from others.
- I do have a very giving personality… I do put so much effort into others and choose to do so because I see the value in people… my attitude I feel is a perception of other people… “I don’t have an attitude problem, You have a perception problem” kind of a thought.
- My take on my attitude is this… it takes a great person to help unpack the baggage of another (attitudes included) and I strongly believe that if people could unwrap my inner self before judgement is passed on my attitude that they would see why my attitude exists and what makes my attitude what it is.
So for me, my gratitude to myself is very much written in today’s daily blog submission titled “Self Gratitude” pictured quote – written by “poems porn” –
“To work on yourself is the best thing you can do.
Make peace with yourself. And that’s the Greatest thing in the world.”
I work every day on myself… in more than 1 way…
- Mentally I work with myself in process of learning to ignore the harsh words of others… I am starting to believe that the words of others are nothing more than s reflection of themselves seeing something in their own selves that is either missing or making them feel insecure in their own lives.
- My insecurities, on the other hand, are just things about myself that I can only help to manage… I know that my insecurities that circle around my Multiple Sclerosis diagnoses will never be fully dealt with…owning my concerns and managing them when they boil to the surface is the best that I have to offer myself and others.
I am in control of the very things that work against me in the process of what yesterday would have destroyed me…whilst I have always been strong willed and strong minded… I truly feel that my strong self and the strength that I possess has been something that I have learned rather than it being something that I was born with… I am strong because I won’t be hurt or be taken down by the rudeness or hurtful attitude/words of others…
A Song That Is A Mantra & Testament To My Strength Is; Wilson Phillips’s Song “You Won’t See Me Cry”….. below are two verses that helps to sum up the strengths that I have in myself and for myself.
- I am very grateful for my attitude; both good and bad (it delivers me from evil and helps me to show others that I am not a person who will be walked over or disregard). My attitude keeps me true to my self & in touch with my core beliefs and inner core values.
- Through my self gratitude I have learned that I have always had a self sabotaging attitude that has taken me away from who I wanted to be … my optimistic pessimistic attitude that allows me to see the good in the bad and the bad in good has led me to always question myself and the things that I am doing, I am grateful that I am learning to control this element of myself… I look forward now to the changes that I will be able to make that will help me to live my life in a self-fulfilling nurturing environment.
- I am grateful for my struggles for they have taught me to work hard for the everything that is in my life, no excepting hand out and putting my all into my family and my life’s needs have made me honest and honourable.
- I am grateful that I am learning to be more patient with myself and others… learning that nothing great in life is just given to you… that the gratitude is in the working towards one’s life’s wants.
- I am grateful that I can see my impatience in my Multiple Sclerosis diagnoses… I believe that if I was comfortable with my life changing due to the inabilities that my MS gives me that I would never truly learn to cope with future life’s changes and the lifestyle that I would have to be forced to adapt to.
- I am very grateful that I have become a lot calmer within myself…learning to choose my battles rather than going head-on into snapping at the bitt or the heads of those who piss me off.
- I am grateful that I do the best that I can do every day for the greater good of myself and my own self-happiness. This, in turn, helps me put my everything into being the person that I am for my a Family.
- I most particularly grateful for my self-acceptance.. being ok with myself, being comfortable in my own skin (even on the bad days I can see the good in what acceptance of my bad days is trying to teach me).
- Above all My gratitude plays homage to words that I write every day, it has been s a long way back to my writing and to the download of my thoughts… writing has always meant a lot to me and now that I am back into writing every day I feel less frustrated and much happier within myself.
- First comes the acknowledgment of goodness in one’s life. In a state of gratitude, we say yes to life. We affirm that all in all, life is good, and has elements that make it not just worth living, but rich in texture and detail. The acknowledgment that we have received something gratifies us, both by its presence and by the effort the giver put into choosing it.
- Second, gratitude is recognizing that some of the sources of this goodness lie outside the self. At this stage, the object of gratitude is other-directed; one can be grateful to other people, to animals, and to the world, but not to oneself. At this stage, we recognize not only the goodness in our lives, but who is to thank for it, and who have made sacrifices so that we could be happy.The two stages of gratitude comprises of the recognition of the goodness in our lives, and then of the source of that goodness that lies outside of ourselves. By this process, we recognize everything and everyone that makes us who we are in our best moments.
So today’s daily blog submission is on “Self Gratitude” – a self-appreciated exercise that I will again in my later submissions revisit.
Author. Tanya Kelly