The very prompt that brings me to my days writing is worded in the following way:
I don’t know how my
Story will end, but
Nowhere in my text
Will it ever read…
“I gave up.”
Author – Unknown
Many things have come to me in my 42 years of life… And those many things have varying degrees of love tears and respect.
I feel honoured to be living the life that I live… & I feel a lot of gratitude for the people that I have in my life – both near & far – I especially feel the most grateful for my self made family that I truly love with everything that I have in my internal being. My gratitude for them extends far further than the words that I write here; they are my life line, the sanity to my insaneness, they are the gift of love that is truer than my heart can beat.
I do feel very blessed to find myself in the midst of my 18 years marriage & our near to 24 year relationship… I have given all that I am to the commitment that I laid out for our futures tethered path. My gratitude extends to the strength and connection that we have.. because I do believe that we have come through the thickest of forests that should just have swallowed us up whole.
There is so much involved in my stories that have evolved to make up me and my life. It would bd a lie if I said that all that makes up me is and has all been good… but that would be a lie… and on the same hand if I was to tell you that all that has happened in my life was all bad… that to would be a lie… the fact is that both the good and the bad have made me the person that I am today… both sides of me; the good and the bad have been touched by the many lessons that have helped to map out my life.
I will never know if the good and bad events of my life’s journey have directly or indirectly influenced how and or who it is that I have become… who knows how my life would be if my life was plagued with the testing times that my heart has had to endure… but you know what? As hard as these testing times have been I am not sure that I would want for my life’s path to be any other way… sure I would seriously like a break in the reality that is my life and I most certainly wouldn’t want for the hand that life has dealt me to be any others person’s story… only because I am unsure if I am truly the strength that I show or I am indeed just good at pushing through the storms in my life way.
If I had to paint myself onto a canvas and tell my story I would paint myself as a brightly lit fire that sparks and ignites the passion in my own selves convictions.
I wouldn’t paint that flame with paint mediums and paint brushes, I would paint that canvas and the flame that burns brightly within me with my body that I symbolically hold to the canvas as my heart danced across its span. I would let my heart show me the fear it feels and the strength it has to endure… in that moment of artist direction it will simply know what to do and say.
The water that I would use to wash away the residue of paint left behind by hearts artistic moment but had not been transferred to the canvas that has been decorated by my hearts story time would be symbolic of my self empowerment washing away my pain and cleansing my mind and soul.
My boiling waters temperatures brought to the simmer by my hearts painted canvas will not drown out the years of pain that have seen my self built structures being brought to its knees and they will certainly never be cooled again to the freezing point where I became vulnerable and left open to the destruction that I had for a long time felt… and the misty fog or clouds of steam will never have me blanketed or unable to see.
My hidden hideout will be my sanctuary but not the environment that keeps me locked away and contained… tidal waters may have calved the opening to my inner self; built from the many millions of tears that I have for the longest time cried but they have built me a forest and a stream… where emotions are now flowers & my duty is to now keep them nourished and free to be them.
I know that I cannot rewrite or let go of the past, I know that my only home is through the thickness of it’s debris.
I cannot change my life’s events or the paths that have been built uneven by cobbled stones in my wake.
What was in yesterday’s history can today not be controlled… my lesson in my thinking is that I have to let go of my fear… what holds me to my past I now know can only be undone by me.
My Hearts Flaming Canvassed Flare” is my hearts portrait of all that it holds within, blanketed storms, fears and loves… memory’s or my yesterday’s – both the good and the bad. Painted hearts flame, artistically splashed on a life’s canvas, symbolic of how we survived the thickened forest that should have swallowed me & us whole.
No matter my lesson… & no matter my path… what is certain in my hearts flaming pictured narrative is that through the simple words that are full of gratitude for the lessons that myself and my heart have learned are the words:
I may not know how my
Story will end, but
Nowhere in my written thinkings
Will it ever read…
I gave up.”
So there it is my daily blog write… titled “Hearts Flaming Canvassed Flare”
Author. Tanya Kelly
Copyrighted By Tanya Kelly. 2018